Wearing the Mask

[Lana]

so i have a couple of questions. the first is, why do i feel different like that with different people? the second is, how do i just be me regardless of who i am with? i want to be confident and strong and stop worrying what people might think.

Hi ITL;
Sorry for such a late response...I haven't been around much today.

To begin addressing the questions you posed, first you need to answer the following:

1. What differentiates one person from another to you? How do they differ as to evoke a different reaction?

2. to be you, you have to know you...and you have to let go of expectations that you THINK others have of you or let go of trying to please them or impress them. In other words, you have to like yourself and not depend on others assessments of who you are.

3. What does "confident and strong and stop worrying" mean to you? think of specific examples.

4. This one's a biggie: Why do you care what others think or you, or how they see you? What does their perception signify for you?

When you can answer these questions, you'll begin to see how it's not so much about "them" but everything about "you".

 

[Into The Light]

2. to be you, you have to know you...and you have to let go of expectations that you THINK others have of you or let go of trying to please them or impress them. In other words, you have to like yourself and not depend on others assessments of who you are.

that certainly has me thinking. how do i learn to know me? i feel like i don't know half of me yet.

4. This one's a biggie: Why do you care what others think or you, or how they see you? What does their perception signify for you?

this is something that drives me crazy. i am a people pleaser because i fear rejection. if i get rejected then i'm not good enough as a person. i know this is illogical thinking but it is so deeply ingrained at an emotional level. logically i know it's nonsense, but when i'm interacting with those people it just kicks in. i suppose the answer to this is to use CBT over and over until my thinking automatically changes?

 

[Lana]

that certainly has me thinking. how do i learn to know me? i feel like i don't know half of me yet.

I can say this with confidence that you're correct in saying that you don't know half of you yet. One of the main reasons why that is, is because you rely on what you think others feel about you. One way of getting to know that part of you is to stop looking for other peoples validation or approval. That means, trusting yourself and your own judgment, knowing and being comfortable in the knowledge that being you means that some won't appreciate you or even like you and being ok with that. Basically, you have to like, if not love, being in your own skin -- who you are as you are. There are many things that you do not accept or like about yourself and this "others interpretation" business is really a form of transference. You transfer your own self-dislike onto others and further away from your own grasp and control. In essence, you're putting a wall between your self and self-perception.

this is something that drives me crazy. i am a people pleaser because i fear rejection. if i get rejected then i'm not good enough as a person. i know this is illogical thinking but it is so deeply ingrained at an emotional level. logically i know it's nonsense, but when i'm interacting with those people it just kicks in. i suppose the answer to this is to use CBT over and over until my thinking automatically changes?

You fear rejection, but the only person that constantly rejects you is your self. Looking for other's acceptance is like saying "I can't stand myself but won't you please accept me for me." You fear it, yet in a way, you do it to yourself. this is particularly evident in the self talk you give yourself when you think that others don't care for you. It's as if you use others to reinforce your own negative feelings about yourself.

While writing this, I kept remembering a time when I was seeing my doctor for something, I also said to him that when I press on a certain spot on my head it hurt...a lot. He turned around and looked at me in a peculiar way and said, "Then stop pressing." The absurdity of that at made me laugh so hard. How true it all was. I know that what some of us go through is hardly "pressing a point on the head", but the principle is the same: most of our fears and anxieties are self-inflicted and superimposed on others to make it more "valid".

 

[Into The Light]

i really appreciate the feedback lana, thank you. it is really insightful. looks like i have a lot of work ahead of me.

thanks again.

 

[Lana]

You're most welcome, ITL. :hug:

Think of this....you know when you have a friend that you adore, but some say they don't like that person...our instinct is to acknowledge that other friends don't care for that person, but it doesn't diminish or invalidate our own like of them, right? It's the same thing when liking yourself....sure, there may be flaws, but that's what makes you so wonderful.

 

[Jazzey]

Actually, what I'm talking about here really has nothing at all to do with anyone else. It's all about challenging your own perceptions and interpretations and ensuring that there aren't alternate interpretations or reactions which might change how you were feeling initially. The other person in this equation is irrelevant - at least to this point.

I had to think about this for a while, but I now understand what you were saying.

 

[unionmary]

Wearing the Mask, Acting "Normal"
by John McManamy
Thursday, December 31, 2009

Wow!

 

[Into The Light]

i've been mulling this over for a bit and trying to figure out this need to please others.

i am discovering that my thinking tells me i want to be a "good person" - whatever that means. apparently being a "good person" for me means that i need to give other people what i think they want - and i am talking about strangers and acquaintances, not those that are close to me. so, i am only a "good person" if i give them what i think they want - even if it goes against what i want or need. it means letting myself be walked all over for fear of not being liked.

when i think about not doing this, and not going out of my way to please others (again, not those close to me), i feel like i am incredibly selfish. selfish for not caring about what these others want from me. because in reality i don't truly care. i care about ME.

it's a totally different story around people that i love and care about deeply. i don't feel selfish there at all. there i can negotiate and we can compromise on needs. but when it comes to acquaintances or strangers, i see myself as selfish if i don't meet their needs that i perceive them having.

can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?

 

[forgetmenot]

I can relate to wanting to help people to give them what they need to meet their needs to make them happy. I think it is just inbred in ones mind to always look out for others I really never think about me just that i want to be useful.
How to undue these thoughts well therapy helping me to see sometimes i have to look at my needs not to keep wearing a mask that i am strong all time.
I too am a people pleaser to everyone and when i hear disappointment or anger or any negative feedback i feel i failed somehow and i just beat myself up and try even harder to do the right thing. Why do we care so much what people think or say because we all want to be accepted somehow. I just need to feel i am important and what i do does matter somewhat. so i guess i am being selfish because what i do fills this need in me whatever that is. I hope i am making sense sorry if i am not.

 

[Lana]

i've been mulling this over for a bit and trying to figure out this need to please others.

i am discovering that my thinking tells me i want to be a "good person" - whatever that means. apparently being a "good person" for me means that i need to give other people what i think they want - and i am talking about strangers and acquaintances, not those that are close to me. so, i am only a "good person" if i give them what i think they want - even if it goes against what i want or need. it means letting myself be walked all over for fear of not being liked.

when i think about not doing this, and not going out of my way to please others (again, not those close to me), i feel like i am incredibly selfish. selfish for not caring about what these others want from me. because in reality i don't truly care. i care about ME.

it's a totally different story around people that i love and care about deeply. i don't feel selfish there at all. there i can negotiate and we can compromise on needs. but when it comes to acquaintances or strangers, i see myself as selfish if i don't meet their needs that i perceive them having.

can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?

With those you love and care about....you know them, and they know you. There is no need to come up with reasons or rationalizations about what they think or want or need. Nor is there an insecurity about how they feel or think of you.

With strangers, you do not have the benefit of such knowledge. There is no way to say how a stranger will think of you and what you say or do. And this is the hook that clouds the issue: you fill in these gaps with your own views and perceptions. If you think you're not good enough, you transfer that onto this stranger making it as if he or she feels the same. This, in turn, pushes you to do more despite your own reservations or desires. You find yourself doing things you don't want or like only to please "him" or "her".

The reality is, that all this display of "giving someone what they want", is the need to give yourself what you need and want. Another reality is that strangers cannot possibly fill you with what you need for many reasons. One, they don't see you the way you see yourself. Two, they may not have a clue of what your actions and efforts mean to you. Third, they may not even be aware that you're struggling to please. Fourth, your actions can mean different things to them. And so on. The list is endless. It's an abyss of impossibilities really.

And that's not the worst of it. The worst is that every single time you see a stranger (which is pretty often and regular), you throw yourself into the same impossible task and look into this abyss of impossibilities for validation of who you are and what you're worth. Ideally, you only have to look in the mirror and within. There you will find all that you seek, want, and need. Your loved ones see it, your friends do also, as do those you care about...and us here, at Psychlinnks. Use all those as your encouragement and support -- and then look only within to see that you are wonderful just as you are. Know it and believe it...no matter what any one stranger thinks. And trust me...if you see that beauty within yourself...others will also....and those that don't are probably staring into their own abyss of impossibilities.

 

[Jazzey]

can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?

Yes, I can relate. How do you get rid of the feelings of not being a good person? By actually practicing and practicing and, practicing. Learn to say no. The first few times you will feel 'mean' so rationalize out why it is that saying no in that instant doesn't make you a mean person. As time goes by, it gets easier.

"Selfishness" is always used as a derogatory or denigrating. But really, when we can pause long enough selfishness isn't always a negative trait. It's what allows us to protect our needs.

I'm still learning ITL. One trick that I've learned to so - when I'm asked to do something that I don't want to or can't but I struggle with doing it anyway - I tell the person that I need a little time to think about it ("I need to look at my agenda", or whatever...). Then I have a bit of extra time to look at the whole situation more objectively and assess why it is that I am or am not willing to do *the thing*.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One trick that I've learned to so - when I'm asked to do something that I don't want to or can't but I struggle with doing it anyway - I tell the person that I need a little time to think about it ("I need to look at my agenda", or whatever...). Then I have a bit of extra time to look at the whole situation more objectively and assess why it is that I am or am not willing to do *the thing*.

I often do that for another reason: Usually, it's not that I don't want to say yes or no. Rather, it's that I'm busy or otherwise preoccupied and I don't know whether I want to say yes or no. Getting that extra time means I don't have to react on the spot and later regret my response.

I learned this trick when my children were young. I found myself saying no to things because the question or request just seemed like one more thing on my "stress list". I made a rule for myself: I cannot say no until I have considered whether there is a good reason for not saying yes. later, I expanded the rule to its present version.

 

[Meg]

The psychologist I've been seeing has said to me about five times in seven sessions that she doesn't think anybody else has any idea of what I'm going through because I'm so good at hiding it. I've repeatedly argued myself in circles about my motivation/justification for doing this. I'll just say that I'm still working on this one

 

[forgetmenot]

In regards to the tight rope does anyone feel that they are not just walking on it but that they themselves are in fact the tight rope. Sometimes it feels like i am about to unravel because of all the weight put on and that i am about to just snap from being stretched so tight. You think if one more thing is added that will be it the rope snaps and there will be no way to permanently fix it. It doesn't feel i am on top of it It feels i am it. stupid ah