What am I doing?

[Eye Stigmata]

This is so ridiculous, I'm ranting on a site I've been on for 12 hours about how much I hate my life. And everything there is wrong with me.
If anyone is bored enough to read this - then you need more help than me.
Haha........just kidding.

I should be going into my third year of university, and what am I doing? Working my butt off 110 hours her pay period, in hopes, HOPES of opening my own store.
Why am I doing this? because my heart and soul and spirit and everything is in this business, because I wake up everything more and leap out of bed excited to work a 12 hour day. I know this is what I want.....I've wanted this for the past 3 years.......It's my everything, and it breaks me heart because I feel so unnoticed....... I feel like I'm getting no where, I put in so much voluntary time because I want someone to see how much I care, I dont even take days off....ive woken up and puked everywhere for an hour and still gone to work.......I just wish I could get somewhere with this.....I can't keep giving of myself like this. I've cut down my entire social life and family time for my job and I dont know how much longer I can do it.

Maybe no one will ever notice, maybe I will always be that stupid fly on the wall that everyone just wants to get rid of... maybe I should just spare them the trouble?

 

[Into The Light]

i don't have a lot of time to respond properly right now but i just wanted to say you are depressed, and depression really clouds our thinking. suicide is not the answer. i will respond properly tonight.

 

[Mari]

Dear MonkeyMunch,

If you need immediate care or just someone to talk to the following number might be helpful.

Crisis 7days/week, 7am-11pm (403) 266-0700

:hug: Mari

 

[Daniel E.]

Suicide and crisis hotlines in Canada:

http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=40
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=77

I put in so much voluntary time because I want someone to see how much I care, I dont even take days off....

IMHO, it's easier to get a raise than to get a sense of validation from many employers.

I've cut down my entire social life and family time for my job and I dont know how much longer I can do it.

Exactly. Not putting yourself first is a great way to burnout or have a relapse:

If we are not proactive, if we do not take care of ourselves, if we do not create healthy boundaries between work and family life, without question, many of us can spend 18 hours a day in front our computer monitors or 18 hours a day solving the world's problems.

Don't succumb to self-neglect - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Similarly, there is the idea that time is the new money, and you need to pay yourself first:

My grandfather said when it comes to budgeting your time, you should pay yourself first, then budget for everything and everyone else next.

Someone else said, "No one ever said on their death bed 'I should have spent more time at the office.'"

The Importance of Active Leisure - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[Into The Light]

i agree with daniel. you're burning yourself out, and you need to make some changes here because if you don't, you will crash, and you will crash hard. you really, really don't want that to happen.

if you want validation of your efforts, have you ever had any kind of performance review where you got any feedback? if not, that might be something to take to your boss. ask for the validation, don't just wait around for it and hope. get feedback on how you are doing.

i can't help but wonder if you are tieing your self-esteem to validation from others on how hard you work. this will make you feel great if you get the validation, but it'll make you feel awful if you don't. if you do get the validation, you're going to want it over and over again, and this will be draining. i know it's not easy but your thinking needs to be adjusted, and try to change where your self-esteem comes from. tieing it to external factors is inevitably going to lead to disappointment. i know it's much easier said than done - but it is an area i think that would be helpful for you to work on.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I think you are right about linking the self esteem to validation, I also feel like I need someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, I feel like if no one says anything then they don't notice.
I'm not sure what the problem is...
I just know if I were working for myself I would be alot happier because I would be working this hard for my own life, not someone elses?
I hope that doesn't sounds selfish, but I'm busting my butt here and yeah...
I guess I don't feel appreciated.

Also - I'm not sure why people are assuming I'm suicidal...

 

[Daniel E.]

Also - I'm not sure why people are assuming I'm suicidal...

We always assume the worst and hope for the best in the suicide forum.

 

[Always Changing]

maybe I will always be that stupid fly on the wall that everyone just wants to get rid of... maybe I should just spare them the trouble?

I believe this sentence would lead many to believe that suicide was on your mind.

I agree with the others also, Burnout could be fast approaching unless you actively slow down some.

I believe also that Therapy would be a good place to address some of the underlying issues you appear to have. (given the other thread you have also posted on).

Take care.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I dont think in a million years i would call a suicide hot line....they would be like, your crazy, just get it over with...
ok maybe not.......but it would be weird

 

[Banned]

I have called a suicide hotline in the past and they have been extremely compassionate and caring. Alot of the people taking the calls have been in the exact same situation. They've then gone on to help others who are walking that dangerous tightrope.

Suicide hotlines are lifesavers for many, many people each year. If they didn't work they wouldn't be around. I would encourage you, or anyone who is feeling suicidal, to keep the local number handy and not be afraid to call.

 

[Into The Light]

turtle is right. they won't judge you, they are there because they want to help people who are in crisis.

if you are in crisis, calling the hotline is one of the things you can do to help keep yourself safe.