I am not asking for a diagnosis. Just some insight -- an objective opinion from a third-party.
I'll try to make this short, but I have to give some background. I suspect that both of my parents had NPD to some degree. Sometimes a thing is known by the fruits, and I would say all three children, myself included, are a mess. My brother committed suicide 15 years ago and my sister is estranged from most of the family. (my brother was the golden boy - a title I inherited after he died, and my sister is the scapegoat) I have been divorced twice and have trouble with intimate relationships.
My father passed away 8 years ago, and my mother is 92. She has slowly developed dementia over the past few years which landed her in assisted living when she couldn't take care of herself and I couldn't do it full time.
She has, for most of her life, had a very close friend whose husband has also passed away. They have traveled and socialized together for years. When my mother first started showing obvious signs of dementia this woman would call 3 - 4 times a day ... sometimes as late as 9 pm when I was trying to get my mother settled and asleep. (at the time I was fixing her meals and making sure she took her medicine) She would insist on talking to my mother right that minute regardless of how many times she had called during the day. Finally, one night I had had enough and told her she had to call back the next day. She then started telling me that I was the cause of my mother's illness and that she was fine before I came into the picture. I hung up on her.
After my mother went to Assisted Living this woman came to visit her. Within a matter of weeks she had moved into the same facility. This is a pattern that repeated all their lives. She is very competitive with my mother. Many years ago we planned a family ski trip with another family - not this woman's family. When this woman found out she packed up her family and showed up at the same place. (We got there Friday night and she arrived Saturday morning.)
A couple of weeks ago my mother had a bad fall which resulted in a broken hip. She had surgery and had to go skilled nursing for physical therapy before she could try to go back to her apartment. This woman friend has called every single member of the family trying to find out about mom. She knows where she is because she went to visit her, but she still calls everyone. Several of my cousins have stopped returning her calls so she has taken to calling my mother's two younger sisters. Somehow she got my cellphone number and on Christmas Eve she started calling me. She didn't just call once and leave a message. She called me 4 or 5 times in the span of about 90 minutes demanding that I call her back because she was "worried." It was something I didn't want to do and in retrospect I probably should have just ignored her -- but I didn't.
So when I called her back I simply said, "I've gotten your messages and I was calling to tell you that mom is okay but will be in physical therapy for a few more weeks." She immediately said, "that's NOT what I heard."
That was enough to send me over the edge. I never raised my voice, but I said very firmly, "I don't care what you may have heard I am telling you what I know and am willing to tell you." She didn't accept that either and went on about what other people had told her. Finally, she starts telling me that my mother has to keep paying for her apartment even if she is not living there and it is expensive ...
I told her I knew what needed to be done and that I paid my mother's bills and that none of that was any of her damn business. Of course, she accused me of being rude and rather than escalate any further I told her goodbye and hung up. Now I am beginning to think that all this woman wanted was some information to gossip about and to find out if she could have my mother's apartment. Her apartment is very small and she has "lusted" after my mother's apartment since mom has been there because of its size and location.
I've never liked this woman, but I am just wondering if my personal feelings are skewing my judgment and maybe she is just worried about her friend, or if maybe my intuition is right and she has an ulterior motive? In the past, she has always made things to be about her and has used people to get what she wanted. She cannot stand for someone to have something she doesn't have (see above) and has no qualms about giving her opinion to anyone whether they want to hear it or not.
She has my phone number now and if she starts calling me to find out about my mother I may have to change the number even though I use it for business. (It is a cellphone number so she could not have looked it up in a directory so I am pretty certain she conned one of my aunts into giving her my number.)
What sort of person acts like this and why does it upset me so much?
I'll try to make this short, but I have to give some background. I suspect that both of my parents had NPD to some degree. Sometimes a thing is known by the fruits, and I would say all three children, myself included, are a mess. My brother committed suicide 15 years ago and my sister is estranged from most of the family. (my brother was the golden boy - a title I inherited after he died, and my sister is the scapegoat) I have been divorced twice and have trouble with intimate relationships.
My father passed away 8 years ago, and my mother is 92. She has slowly developed dementia over the past few years which landed her in assisted living when she couldn't take care of herself and I couldn't do it full time.
She has, for most of her life, had a very close friend whose husband has also passed away. They have traveled and socialized together for years. When my mother first started showing obvious signs of dementia this woman would call 3 - 4 times a day ... sometimes as late as 9 pm when I was trying to get my mother settled and asleep. (at the time I was fixing her meals and making sure she took her medicine) She would insist on talking to my mother right that minute regardless of how many times she had called during the day. Finally, one night I had had enough and told her she had to call back the next day. She then started telling me that I was the cause of my mother's illness and that she was fine before I came into the picture. I hung up on her.
After my mother went to Assisted Living this woman came to visit her. Within a matter of weeks she had moved into the same facility. This is a pattern that repeated all their lives. She is very competitive with my mother. Many years ago we planned a family ski trip with another family - not this woman's family. When this woman found out she packed up her family and showed up at the same place. (We got there Friday night and she arrived Saturday morning.)
A couple of weeks ago my mother had a bad fall which resulted in a broken hip. She had surgery and had to go skilled nursing for physical therapy before she could try to go back to her apartment. This woman friend has called every single member of the family trying to find out about mom. She knows where she is because she went to visit her, but she still calls everyone. Several of my cousins have stopped returning her calls so she has taken to calling my mother's two younger sisters. Somehow she got my cellphone number and on Christmas Eve she started calling me. She didn't just call once and leave a message. She called me 4 or 5 times in the span of about 90 minutes demanding that I call her back because she was "worried." It was something I didn't want to do and in retrospect I probably should have just ignored her -- but I didn't.
So when I called her back I simply said, "I've gotten your messages and I was calling to tell you that mom is okay but will be in physical therapy for a few more weeks." She immediately said, "that's NOT what I heard."
That was enough to send me over the edge. I never raised my voice, but I said very firmly, "I don't care what you may have heard I am telling you what I know and am willing to tell you." She didn't accept that either and went on about what other people had told her. Finally, she starts telling me that my mother has to keep paying for her apartment even if she is not living there and it is expensive ...
I told her I knew what needed to be done and that I paid my mother's bills and that none of that was any of her damn business. Of course, she accused me of being rude and rather than escalate any further I told her goodbye and hung up. Now I am beginning to think that all this woman wanted was some information to gossip about and to find out if she could have my mother's apartment. Her apartment is very small and she has "lusted" after my mother's apartment since mom has been there because of its size and location.
I've never liked this woman, but I am just wondering if my personal feelings are skewing my judgment and maybe she is just worried about her friend, or if maybe my intuition is right and she has an ulterior motive? In the past, she has always made things to be about her and has used people to get what she wanted. She cannot stand for someone to have something she doesn't have (see above) and has no qualms about giving her opinion to anyone whether they want to hear it or not.
She has my phone number now and if she starts calling me to find out about my mother I may have to change the number even though I use it for business. (It is a cellphone number so she could not have looked it up in a directory so I am pretty certain she conned one of my aunts into giving her my number.)
What sort of person acts like this and why does it upset me so much?
mg:
