What is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

[whatsgoingon]

I cant believe I am asking this after so may years of wondering, I feel like an idiot but im startingto feel down...

For years and years and had this ridiculous 'feeling' that something happened to me when I was younger. I have no actual memories,just a weird feeling inside. I have always hated sex-the first time I remember thinking 'this is a fimiliar feeling. Ive been with my fiance for 5 years and I can count the number of times we have had sex on one hand. My father has had a history of 'flashing' young girls and also child porn.

When I was little I remember playing with dolls and making ken 'do things' to barbie-why would I do this?? I'm just starting to think i am really messed up. I've struggled with depression, selfharm and had 2 hosp admissions for anorexia. If something happened I would remember it, so why the hell cant I get this out of my head??all I want is to stop thinking like this!!!!

 

[Jazzey]

Re: what the hell is wrong with me?y am I having these thoughts???

Hi WGO,

Have you ever talked to a psychologist about your thoughts? feelings?

I only started to sort out my past recently, with the help of my psychologist...

 

[whatsgoingon]

Re: what the hell is wrong with me?y am I having these thoughts???

Hi WGO,

Have you ever talked to a psychologist about your thoughts? feelings?

I only started to sort out my past recently, with the help of my psychologist...

Hi
I don't have one anymore,I've had 4 years of them dealing with anorexia etc. so really don't want to see anyone else,I never mentioned this to any of them because ...well I dont know! It just seems wrong and embarrasing! It was like this before all my 'issues' started, but through the anorexia I didn't think about it. Now im in recovery its all started all over again.

I actually spoke to my fiance last night, and he said that he'd always wondered if anything had happened and that (knowing my dad's past) he really believes in his heart that something went on...I don't really know how to feel about that...i just think if something like that went on i'd remember it's not exactly something you forget is it??

 

[Jazzey]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

It's hard to say WGO. Like you, I've also always "known" on some level. But I spent a long time dismissing what it was. It was easy for me to convince myself that I was somehow making it up. So I never talked about it either. Until my life just got progressively more difficult for me.

I've only know started getting what I call "memories". With the help of my psychologist, I'm trying to make sense of it all. But unfortunately, I don't think that child sexual abuse is something that you can work on by yourself - you need that expert hand guiding you through the emotions, the feelings, the memories.

I hope that you do go and see a psychologist. Maybe even try to find one who specializes in child sexual abuse? But you do need to talk to a psychologist about this WGO....

 

[whatsgoingon]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

Thanks, I have got an appointment in sept with a doc at the ED unit because he wants to take me off antidepressants...but i'd be too embarrassed to tell him-he'd prob think i am a right freak, if I had memories yes i'd tell him but I don't. It's just an overwhelming feeling I've had since about the age of 15.

I even forgot about the doll thing till my step sister came round not long ago and said do you remember when you used to get us to play barbies and what you used to do? I was like god I totally forgot about that! but I remember it being really secretive and stuff...i dunno.xx

 

[NicNak]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

:hithere: Whatsgoingon. :welcome: to Psychlinks.

I had flashbacks before too. I told my Psychiatrist and he was very understanding about it and helped me though it. When I told him, he did not make me feel embarassed, he was compassionate and kind.

I agree with Jazzey that it is a good idea to talk to a professional about it. They can then help you work through it and help you figure out what it is all about.

Those thoughts are scary, so I empathize with you :support:

 

[white page]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

Hi whatsgoingon,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this distress,
Please let me reassure you that no therapist or Doctor would ever think of you as a freak or judge you in any way, when you see a psychologist he or she can only help you if you are frank to them, as frank as you have been to us.

I hope that you do go and see a psychologist. Maybe even try to find one who specializes in child sexual abuse? But you do need to talk to a psychologist about this WGO....

I agree with Jazzey, at times things happened to us that we block out, or they happened before we had the words to put around an event in order to describe what happened.

I am glad you found us, it is very courageous of you to open out tu us like this.

take care wp

 

[whatsgoingon]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

thank you all so muchthis has been plauging me for so long.I just feel like an awful person even implying this.we are close and I even went to live with him when I was 8 bc my mom had problems...I will think about telling the doc tho.xx

 

[white page]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

Dear whatsgoingon,

Please, please remember, that a child who was abused in any way by an adult , be it by any innappropriate words, actions and environment, IS A VICTIM, any guilt should lie in the abusers camp and not in the child's.

It is not for you to have any guilt.

 

[whatsgoingon]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

thank you white page,I think if I knew for sure I wouldnt feel like that I justfeel that way because I have nothing to go onand itsa terrible thing to imply if nothing actually happened.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

...hmm, I felt very much the same way that you do right now WGO. In fact, there are still many days where I feel horrible for some of the things that have come out of my mouth.

But until and unless you see a psychologist, you'll never know for sure. And if you don't know for sure, you can't work on it so that you feel better...

Besides, working on this is just figuring it out. Maybe it's not an accusation? Maybe more of a question mark. And, it's between you and the psychologist. No one else will hear what you're saying unless you decide to share.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: what is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts???

Sorry - I'm back WGO. I don't want you to think that I'm dismissing your feelings. That's not my intent.

I also feel alot of guilt about some of the things that I say, about the accusations that I've made. Some I know are true without a doubt, some others I'm still sorting out. But it's only through the sorting out that I think I can be ok with all of it. Or at least learn to cope with some of the feelings I have. The panic attacks, the feelings of wanting to disappear etc...

Anyway, just wanted to make sure you knew that I'd heard every word - I didn't mean to dismiss what you're feelings - you're allowed to have those feelings WGO and I heard every word of what you said.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I've struggled with depression, selfharm and had 2 hosp admissions for anorexia. If something happened I would remember it, so why the hell cant I get this out of my head??

First, no, you would not necessarily remember it. While the issue of "false memory syndrome" is important, there is no doubt at all that some memories, especially early traumatic memories or memories that conflict with what we otherwise want to remember, can be and do get repressed (buried in the unconscious or subconscious mind). Second, if feelings may be the reason you've striggled with depression, self-injury, and anorexia, all of which are common among abused children and abuse survivors.

See:

• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/memory-and-memory-disorders/8791-why-memories-haunt-us.html
  
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/memory-a...vered-memories-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.html
  
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/memory-a...5-brain-may-be-able-to-suppress-memories.html
  
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/memory-and-memory-disorders/2446-how-false-memories-are-formed.html

Thanks, I have got an appointment in sept with a doc at the ED unit because he wants to take me off antidepressants...but i'd be too embarrassed to tell him-he'd prob think i am a right freak, if I had memories yes i'd tell him but I don't. It's just an overwhelming feeling I've had since about the age of 15.

It's important to tell your doctor this. He won't think you are a "right freak". Chances are he's had other patients tell him similar things.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thread split to http://forum.psychlinks.ca/general-support-and-advice/18948-afraid-to-post.html

 

[whatsgoingon]

Hi jazzey and dr baxter,1st off jazzey im really sorry If Icame across funnt to make you think that,I dont think you were dismissing what I said at all
you have been a great help thanks very much!

dr baxter thanks for your reply also

I was thinking today about my mom telling me that she once took me and my brother to the docs to have us checked out to see wether my dad had ever done anything to us,she would have said if they had found anything wouldnt she?so if doctors checked and there was nothing then maybe it is all in my head....juatfeeling really odd latelyspeciallythis week,Ive had SI thoughts which im determined not to do but just feel crap.
xxx

 

[Jazzey]

im really sorry If Icame across funnt to make you think that,I dont think you were dismissing what I said at all

No, not you at all WGO. That's all "me", just being too worried about whether I'd hurt your feelings. It's one my little quirks...

I was thinking today about my mom telling me that she once took me and my brother to the docs to have us checked out to see wether my dad had ever done anything to us,she would have said if they had found anything wouldnt she?so if doctors checked and there was nothing then maybe it is all in my head....

A doctor may not necessarily have seen anything at that particular time. But it doesn't mean that the abuse didn't occur. There are various forms of sexual abuse WGO and each as damaging as the next one. And again, I'm not convinced that a doctor would necessarily always see anything. At least I think.

I still think it's worth talking to a psychologist about all of this. Maybe sort it out for yourself. You lose nothing in just talking to someone, and you even risk feeling better.

See:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/adult-survivors/18829-myths-and-facts-about-child-sexual-abuse.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/adult-survivors/17032-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.html

And you can find more information in the Adult Survivors section of Psychlinks - right here - Adult Survivors - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[whatsgoingon]

me too!lol. I worry far too much about that! thanks for being such a star and not judging me, I cut tonight for the 1st time on over a year, just been feeling really crap: (thanks so much again!)xx