What Not to Say to Someone Who is Depressed

[David Baxter PhD]

What Not to Say to Someone Who is Depressed
by Deborah Gray
Saturday, November 01, 2008

Occasionally, I wish that every single person on earth could experience one day of clinical depression. Not all at once, of course. Geez, would that bring everything to a grinding halt or what? No, I wish everyone could experience it as a rite of passage, like getting your driver's license. Actually, I also wish this about being disabled. You wouldn't believe how many people see me walking with my cane (I have Multiple Sclerosis, and sometimes need to walk with a cane) as some sort of impediment, and literally push past me so I don't slow them down.

Anyway, I know that it may sound strange to wish that people could experience a day of depression, and kind of mean. Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing the pain and emptiness of depression on other people because of a vindictive impulse. But if everyone got at least a taste of depression, they might keep from saying inconsiderate and ill-informed things like:

• "Snap out of it!" Snap out of what? You think I'm sulking or something? I'm just in a rut?
• "You're just feeling sorry for yourself." Maybe, but if I am, it's probably the disease making me feel that way instead of me choosing to indulge in a pity party.
• "I know just how you feel." Unless you've suffered from clinical depression - uh, no you really, really don't. Maybe you had a glimpse of it if you had a significantly "down" mood at some point, but other than that, you really don't know how I feel.
• "You have so much to be thankful for - why are you depressed?" Don't you think that the depressed person has asked themselves that a thousand times?
• "Try prayer." Leaving aside the possibility that the person you're talking to is not religious, I can assure you that anyone who is spiritual has been asking their deity for help all along, and received what comfort they can from prayer.
• "Have you tried just not being depressed?" Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that? I'm cured! (Groan) I mean, honestly.
• "It's a beautiful day!" Not helping. One of the things that is the most upsetting when you're depressed is that a beautiful sunny day can't touch the darkness you're feeling.
• "It's all in your mind." Ummm, yeah. And that helps me how?
• "Everyone gets depressed sometimes." No, what you're talking about isn't depression, but a funk or a rut or a blue day. That's like comparing the flu to pneumonia.

Here's a litmus test. If you wouldn't say something to someone with diabetes or heart disease, don't say it to someone with clinical depression. Go down that list. Can you imagine saying any of those things to someone with a disease that was not located in their brain? (Or even some that are. I would whack anyone who asked me if I had just tried not having Multiple Sclerosis).

Another tip - if what you're saying could be classified as a platitude, consider keeping your mouth shut.

I know that this list is probably coming off as kind of snotty. And I know more often than not, people think they're being helpful when they say these things, or they're frustrated with not being able to get through to someone. But saying the wrong thing will just make the depressed person feel more lonely and detached from you. Or, to be more precise, saying something that shows that you haven't tried at all to understand clinical depression will make the depressed person feel that way. Or that you're stubbornly refusing to believe that they have an illness, despite the evidence.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Worst Things to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

Worst Things to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed
Wing of Madness

Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don't cure depression.

Here is the list from contributors to a.s.d.:

1. "What's *your* problem?"
2. "Will you stop that constant whining? What makes you think that anyone cares?"
3. "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
4. "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
5. "But it's all in your mind."
6. "I thought you were stronger than that."
7. "No one ever said life was fair."
8. "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
9. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
10. "Do you feel better now?"(Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no under-standing of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
11. "Why don't you just grow up?"
12. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
13. "There are a lot of people worse off than you?"
14. "You have it so good, why aren't you happy?"
15. "It's a beautiful day!"
16. "You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed!"
17. "What do you have to be depressed about".
18. "Happiness is a choice"
19. "You think you've got problems..."
20. "Well at least it's not that bad."
21. "Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress."
22. "There is always somebody worse off than you are."
23. "Lighten up!"
24. "You should get off all those pills."
25. "You are what you think."
26. "Cheer up!"
27. "You're always feeling sorry for yourself."
28. "Why can't you just be normal?"
29. "Things aren't that bad, are they?"
30. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?"
31. "You need to get out more."
32. "We have to get together some time." [Yeah, right!]
33. "Get a grip!"
34. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
35. "Take a hot bath. That's what I always do when I'm upset."
36. "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
37. "Get a job!"
38. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."
39. "You don't look depressed!"
40. "You're so selfish!"
41. "You never think of anyone but yourself."
42. "You're just looking for attention."
43. "Have you got PMS?"
44. "You'll be a better person because of it!"
45. "Everybody has a bad day now and then."
46. "You should buy nicer clothes to wear."
47. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
48. "Why don't you smile more?"
49. "A person your age should be having the time of your life."
50. "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
51. "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it."
52. "This is a place of BUSINESS, not a HOSPITAL" (after confiding to supervisor about my depression)
53. "Depression is a symptom of your sin against God."
54. "You brought it on yourself"
55. "You can make the choice for depression and its effects, or against depression, it's all in YOUR hands."
56. "Get off your rear and do something." -or- "Just do it!"
57. "Why should I care?"
58. "Snap out of it, will you?"
59. "You want to feel this way."
60. "You have no reason to feel this way."
61. "Its your own fault."
62. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
63. "You're always worried about your problems."
64. "Your problems aren't that big."
65. "What are you worried about? You should be fine."
66. "Just don't think about it."
67. "Go Away."
68. "You don't have the ability to do it."
69. "Just wait a few weeks, it'll be over soon."
70. "Go out and have some fun!"
71. "You're making me depressed as well..."
72. "I just want to help you."
73. "The world out there is not that bad..."
74. "Just try a little harder!"
75. "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
76. "You need a boy/girl-friend."
77. "You need a hobby."
78. "Just pull yourself together"
79. "You'd feel better if you went to church"
80. "I think your depression is a way of punishing us." (My mother)
81. "Sh*t or get off the pot."
82. "So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?"
83. "What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective."
84. "You're a writer, aren't you? Just think of all the good material you're getting out of this."
85. This one is best executed with an evangelical-style handshake, i.e., one of my hands is imprisoned by two belonging to a beefy person who thinks he has a lot more charisma than I do: "Our thoughts and prayers are with you." This has actually happened to me. Bitten-back response: "Who are 'our'? And don't do me any favors, schmuck."
86. "Have you tried camomile tea?"
87. "So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?"
88. "You will be ok, just hang in there, it will pass." "This too shall pass." - Ann Landers
89. "Oh, perk up!"
90. "Try not being so depressed."
91. "Quit whining. Go out and help people and you won't have time to brood..."
92. "Go out and get some fresh air... that always makes me feel better."
93. "You have to take up your bed and carry on."
94. "Why don't you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you'll feel better."
95. "Well, we all have our cross to bear."
96. "You should join band or chorus or something. That way you won't be thinking about yourself so much."
97. "You change your mind."
98. "You're useless."
99. "Nobody is responsible for your depression."
100. "You don't like feeling that way? So, change it."