More threads by csch


My story is very complicated.

I am in love with a married man! Now, he still lives with his wife, but they sleep in separate bedrooms. Actually he sleeps with his little son in one bed and she sleeps with their daugther in the other bed. They share the beds with their kids. The kids are still pretty young. So he believes that is a good upbringing for his kids. But I don't want to get to much into this right now.
So, we have this affair over a year now. Good times bad times. I am not sure if his wife knows about us. She comes from a different culture, where affairs are pretty much excepted, and, yes I know that is not an excuse for me. But it happend and I am in love with this guy.

Right now he has to deal with a lot of stuff. Both of his parentsare very old, very sick and probably dying. So he has to deal with it, because his brother and sister can't do it and don't want to do it. He runs two businesses. Takes care of his family and always says he wants to take care of me. I have never taken money from him, I have my own business. I never thought I would be the one that would have an affair with a married man.

I had a couple relationships before, but I was never in love with my boyfriends, not like with him. I know I have problems too, it takes somebody a long time to get close to me. I don't open up us fast, and if I get hurt I close up like a clam and it will take a long time for me to trust again.

But with him, he probably knows me better then anyone before. And he says that I know him better than anyone else. He had a very difficult child hood and upbringing. His mom was an alcoholic, his dad left when he was about 14. His brother and sister was out of the house already, so he dealt with it. His dad was still in his live, but just not always there. He still has a lot of secrets, I don't know everything about his life.

He takes care of everyone, his family, his friends, his employees, just everyone. And I just think that he had enough. And than the secret affair.

When I first met him he partied quiete a bit, but that has changed in the last couple of month. Mostly because he has to deal with his sick parents. He likes to drink sometimes, but it gets bad when he gets into the hard alcohol. He gets violent, had a couple fights in the bars.

A couple days ago he shows up at my house, pretty drunk, wanted to sleep there. I have no problem with that, better then driving home. But things got worst, and he got violent towards me. Actually an hour before he said he would never hurt me. But that was a lie. He hid me, and threw me around the bedroom. So I told him to get out of my house. He had so much anger in his eyes, I never seen that like this before. It wasn't him. I believe there must have been something else, why he got so upset. I am not saying that I was all quiet through the whole thing. I get very vocal too. So he left, but he threaten me before he left.
He came by the next day, did not have much recollection of it. He knew that we were fighting, knew that he 'tapped' me in the head. But he did not know why. I told him that it still gives him the right to hit me. I know he is very sorry. We had a long emotional talk about it. I told him that he has to get proffessional help. He said he is going to start with not drinking anymore. Because he thinks that is where the problem is. Well, in a way yes, because he is never like this when he is sober. He is not an easy person to get along with, but normally we do understand each other very well.

I am not happy about the affair. I rather would have an open partnership. But he say, because his children are both still so young he has to be there for them. Eventually, his wife wants to move back to here home country, but for now they stay together, for the children. I want him to be there for his children I don't want to take him away from that.
He loves his children very much. He is a very loving person.

I would like to help him, but I am not sure what I can do. I even would go and see a thereapist with him. But I think he is not willing to do that. Should I just let go of him?


what should I do

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship from several points of view.

He's married and won't leave his wife. Forget the excuse. All philanderers have an excuse. It's usually the kids. Yet, even if divorced, he could still be a part of his childrens' life, if he chose to do so.

He drinks and is violent toward you (and probably toward his wife and children). If he couldn't control his anger with you, what makes you think he can control it with them. If I were his wife, I'd want to go back to my own country, too...just to get away from him!

He shows up the day after beating you up unable to remember what he's done. Yeah. Right. They all have the same MO. I don't remember much of what happened, but I'm really, really sorry and I'll never do it again. I'll stop drinking. My guess? It'll never happen.

If you value your sanity, and your life, kick this dude to the curb. You don't need what comes with a man like this, believe me. You might also want to consider that if he'll betray his current wife, what makes you think he won't betray you?


what should I do

He would never harm his kids. I've seen him with his children, and there is no way he would do anything to them. He never says anything bad about his wife. They don't want to hurt their children, by separating, that's why they still together. They want to try to keep their upbringing as normal as possible. But they are not staying together forever. I knew that from the beginning.
I just think he has so much on his plate, that he just snapped. Don't get me wrong, I am not here to get beaten up again. Actually we had a talk, and I just tried to tell him that he needs to do more then just stop drinking. That he needs to go to somebody to talk to. And that I would be there for him if he want me to. I just want him to get help. But I am not sure where he could go, or who he should talk to. I am keeping distance, I have not phoned him and I have not seen him since Monday. I do love him, want to help him, but I am sure not jump into bed with him and pretend everything is fine.

I know, what I wrote before, is so textbook. But in a way it is not, there is so much more behind it. Now you will say, she is making excuses, maybe I am. But I am willing to help him, even the relationship is over. I am not pushing him to anyhing, I am not forced to do anything. I probably know more about him then his wife and they are married for 7 or 8 years.
I am not affraid of him, I am not scared, I am still speak my mind.

He respects me and supports me, (not with money) with friendship. I just feel what happen, when it happen it was not him, when he stood there infront of me he was looking at me but he did not see me, it was like he saw something else.
And I have to say it again, if he is willing to seek help, I am with him. I will put the relationship on hold, be a friend, a lover, but not in the sexual way.

Does anyone think that is possible?

And if he is willing to see anyone, can anybody tell me what kind of therapy or help we can get?


what should I do

If he's willing to seek help and apply himself to the goal of defeating his problem behaviors, the relationship could certainly work. However, those two factors MUST be present. He has to seek help, and he has to work at changing.

For someone who gives in to anger and has an alcohol problem, you need a psychologist who has plenty of experience dealing with this sort of thing, in my opinion. I don't know where you live, but most cities (at least, in the United States) have referral agencies that will help you find a therapist who meets your needs. Your family doctor is another source you could try.
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