What should I do?

[worried]

A couple of months ago my husband and a few friends went out of state to visit a friend. On one night, they all got very drunk, and my husband and one of the friends ended up in a very seedy strip club while the other friends went to eat something. My husband said he was approached by one of the girls in the club, but after he told her he didn't have any money, he was left alone. In the meantime, the other friend disappeared, and when the other friends returned from eating, they were denied access to where the missing friend was. The next thing my husband knew, police showed up because the other friends became very concerned about the missing friend (apparently the guy they were all visiting didn't want them to go in there to begin with). After the police informed them that they couldn't do anything, my husband went looking for the friend and found him behind a curtain with a woman in lingerie sitting on his lap, apparently receiving a lap dance. My husband apologized for interrupting and waited outside that area for about a minute, at which time his friend emerged. The next morning the friend who disappeared received a phone call because his credit card company was concerned about a charge for several hundred dollars placed on his card the night before by the strip club. When my husband returned home, I could tell he was not being very honest about what went on that night (he had given me some details), and after I confronted him, he told me about what his friend did and the charge on the card. The friend had asked all the guys to never tell anyone, and that he would find a way to hide what happened from his wife. My husband believes that the place just took advantage of a very drunk man and charged up his card, but even by his account, the friend was gone for a long time. I promised my husband that I wouldn't say anything to the friend's wife, but I feel very uncomfortable with the position we are in. We have known this couple for more than fifteen years. Given the charge on the card, I think it is likely the wife will discover something, and then be upset at us as well since my husband was one of the "idiots" that behaved badly that night. Her husband was also the one bent on visiting such a place prior to the guys all becoming drunk. What is my responsibility here? I strongly believe that friend owes his wife the truth, but I don't feel comfortable involving myself in their marriage (which has been rocky at times). Any thoughts? I feel really bad for her, and I am upset with him for trying to create secrecy between my husband and myself.

 

[ThatLady]

In my opinion, it's not your place to intercede between the husband and wife on this issue. You're right. The charge on the credit card may well give him away. If it does, it's between the two of them. It shouldn't involve anyone else.

I can understand you being upset with this man for the situation he created, but...let's face it...your husband was there of his own accord and any secrecy between the two of you was your husband's responsibility, not someone else's. He did come clean about what happened, so deal with it and put it behind you.

Each of these men is an adult. Each made decisions for himself. Nobody was twisting anybody's arm, and nobody was the cause of anybody's problems except the individual himself. If the other man's wife is upset at you because her husband made a jackass of himself, that's her mistake.

 

[worried]

I agree with what you said. I told my husband when he tried to excuse his friend's behavior by saying that he was "dragged off", that his friend was an adult and responsible for his behavior, drunk or otherwise. I guess I'm afraid of the actual confrontation that I sense coming from the wife. We have discussed a little bit of what the guys did, and she's the one that acts as if all the other wives are all over-reacting, and that the guys going to strip clubs, buying other women drinks, etc. was acceptable. I can't help but think it is just an act, and that maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with her own situation, or maybe she just feels so little for herself that she is willing to accept her husband's behavior (though I'm certain she doesn't know the full extent yet). I think that if she has to face it, it may get ugly. If she asks me if I knew, I won't lie, but how do I explain to what will probably be a very emotionally wrought person that it wasn't my place to tell her, even though we are friends. And on top of this, my husband seems to be acting uncomfortable with getting together with this couple now, I think maybe because he feels so guilty for his part in it, and doesn't want to have to face the wife. As a side note, my husband has now become a bit on the jealous side. When I went out with a girlfriend recently, he acted as if he was o.k. with it at first, but then called me repeatedly, and acted mad for a few days. He has made comments that he was worried about other guys while we were out. Another friend of mine said she thinks he is super imposing his bad behavior on my situation, and feels guilty, causing him to be insecure. He's never done this before, and we've been married for fifteen years. I know he feels stupid for his behavior(he doesn't normally go out and get drunk and rowdy like they did that night), but I feel like I'm being punished by his guilty conscience. I just hope to get things back in balance soon, I guess I'm still irritated at my husband's initial dishonesty.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with ThatLady. The other point that I'd add is that even if you were to go and tell the wife what happened, you might well find that she wouldn't appreciate you doing that - indeed, you might find that both she and her husband are now furious with you. It's their marriage. Let them handle it.

I know he feels stupid for his behavior(he doesn't normally go out and get drunk and rowdy like they did that night), but I feel like I'm being punished by his guilty conscience. I just hope to get things back in balance soon

I would suggest you put it to your husband in exactly that way - and point out that you haven't "misbehaved" in 15 years so why should he think you would suddenly start now?

 

[ThatLady]

Different people have different reactions to situations. Some spouses don't seem to mind if their significant other goes to strip clubs (male or female variety) and participates in the goings-on. Other spouses are mortified by such behavior. It's something that needs to be settled between the couples, since we aren't clones of one another. We have a right to think differently about such things. The important thing is that each member of a couple understand and accept the boundaries of THEIR relationship.

It sounds like both the wife of the "misbehaving male" and your husband are trying to transfer their own feelings of angst (and/or guilt) to other people. As one of those other people, you don't have to accept that burden. If the wife comes to you ranting and raving about why you didn't tell her, you can quietly explain that her relationship is HERS, not yours, and that you would have been interfering in something not your responsibility. She needs to deal with what happened in the way that's right for her. As for your husband, you need to sit down and have a good long talk about what happened, who was responsible, who did something of which he's ashamed, and who must bear the blame/shame for that behavior. You do not deserve to be placed under scrutiny for something HE did, and I'd make this quite clear to him.

 

[worried]

I just wanted to make it clear that I had no intention of going to the wife, my fear is when and if she confronts me. I'm not sure how to win in the situation that her husband and my husband created. I guess I'll wing it if it happens. I'm not very good with messy situations, I tend to be a very up front person and typically avoid "skeleton in the closet" situations. I agree that each of the husbands are responsible for their own actions, my husband keeps saying that his friend was "dragged" away by a girl, and that he hadn't eaten all day and accidentally got drunk (and the rest is history). Excuses, excuses....Mostly I find myself disappointed in my husband giving in to peer pressure and doing something he was not comfortable with, and then being dishonest with me (even if he was trying to protect a freind). Perhaps if the wife comes to me, I will tell her it is best she speak with my husband, as he was there. Sort of killing two birds with one stone?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

"Accidentally getting drunk" was long ago rejected as a defense for criminal acts like impaired driving and assault. I don't think it stands up any better as an excuse for infidelity.

 

[ThatLady]

I like the "dragged off by a girl" part! That must have been some girl! Amazon, perhaps?

In all seriousness, if the woman comes to you to discuss her husband's behavior (or your husband's, for that matter), I'd just tell her that since I wasn't there, I really have no knowledge of what occurred and would not be comfortable speaking of an issue I know nothing about. If she chooses to take it to your husband to discuss, that's her problem...and his.

 

[g-scared]

I agree with ThatLady and Dr. B. It is not your responsibility to worry or arrange another person's mistake. We are all adults and should be held accountable for our own actions. Don't feel bad. You had nothing to do with what happened, and frankly I think that involving yourself in the situation would be a mistake and a burden.

 

[worried]

I understand what you're saying about the accidentally getting drunk defense, but I don't know if my husband's friend is making the same claim as my husband (as it appears it is his possible infedelity that appears to be in question). I think my husband is making that claim because typically he is the one that stays sober while everyone else makes fools of themselves (he comes from a family with alcoholics, and has always seemed a little uncomfortable with drinking and the behavior associated with it, at least where he was concerned). I think just getting drunk and not being in control of himself made him a little afraid and ashamed. But again, even on his part it's just an excuse. I don't have a problem with "letting loose" a little, as I do it my self on occasion, but since he seems to have a problem with doing it himself, I'd appreciate it if he'd either avoid it all together, or relax just a little (maybe trust himself more), as he appears to be making it something of a burden for me as well (the situation with me going out with the friend). As far as I can tell, my husband didn't actually do anything that night that I'd have a problem with. The problem I have with him is his dishonesty and strange behavior upon returning. If anything, the only thing that I can think of that I disapprove of as far as that night goes, is that I think he followed the crowd a little too much, rather than doing what he was comfortable with. Sort of a "grow a set" (if you know what I mean) situation. That behavior does make me uncomfortable, especially in a grown man. P.S. Maybe she was an amazon, my husband did say the strippers weren't very attractive....

 

[Diana]

I had a situation that was different from yours, but with which I can relate a little. Several months after I had broken up with my boyfriend, I learned that not only him, but another guy had had sex with a prostitute. Now, this other guy was the boyfriend of a girl I worked with and became friends with. I never would have expected that he would have done this to his girlfriend. Well, what could I do. I felt so angry (and I knew most of it was because of my own ex-boyfriend's behaviour), but I questioned what a real friend would do. Tell or not tell. I just didn't think it was fair fro someone to have to continue in a relationship that wasn't entirely based on the truth. I have no evidence as to how many times her boyfriend (now common law husband and father of her baby) had done something like this. Also, she was pregnant by the time I found out about it. I'm not out to ruin families - what could I do? Of course I didn't tell her, but I understand the feeling of not knowing how to be the best friend you can be.
I think at this stage you're doing the right thing by not telling her. It may well come up (credit card, rumours, etc), so there's a chance that she'll find out on her own. If she does come to you about it later, well that's a tricky one. First of all, she has no right to be angry at you for not telling her. If she does get angry, it might just be an emotional reaction that she'll feel bad about later. I'm not sure if you should tell her what you know (heard) or not - I think that's up to you. I think the most important thing you let her know is that you never had any intentions of HIDING anything from her. Let her know that although you knew where your husbands went that night, you certainly didn't want to pass on any incorrect information, making things more messy. And that secondly, you consider her a real friend, and as a friend you wanted to be aware of her feelings by not sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Especially since she might have found out the truth on her own, and then been more embarassed if she knew that you already knew about it.
That's my opinion anyway. I'm sorry that you got stuck in a stressful situation - just remember everything that went on was not your fault. If things go sour between your friend and her husband, I'm sure you will be there to support her. Just as long as you don't take any blame or responsibility for it. Just be there as a friend.

 

[worried]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their input. I have been uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with anyone I know because of the possibility of starting rumors, etc. I do feel more relieved, as I was a little afraid I'd have people telling me that I should get involved. I really hope in my heart that my friend's husband just had a lot of lap dances for his money, and not something worse (though personally, I don't really feel it was appropriate for him to go off alone even for that). But maybe that's o.k. with her, I don't know. Now I think I'm going to need to find a way to get past my disappointment in my friend's husband, I certainly have trouble trusting him now, and apparently so does my husband. I recently suggested that we all get together for a weekend soon, that my friend and I would probably end up running around with the kids, and my husband and his friend could run around and do "guy stuff". My husband quickly responded that he wasn't interested in running around alone with that friend, that there wasn't anything that he would want to do that didn't involve me. I hope he's not going to start smothering me :roll:.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

hmm this intrigued me, because I wondered what I would do in the situation. The information about a couple that we had been close with for 15 years, has come to me third hand. But I still know it. Keeping silent is probably the way it should be done. Its not your information, and you only gained it through your 'marrige' perks. I would still have a problem with being around the women though. Also, is your husband the only one that knows? Could this information be travelling around social circles, for her to be embarrassed later? What would you want her to do, if the roles where reversed?
If you wanted to tell her, with out telling her, could you explain your possition to your husband, who would in turn expalin it to his friend, perhaps encouraging him to be honest?
My feeling is that If she is your friend (I don't really know if you are friends or aquaintences) you will want her to know (or not know... but how often does that happen) so that she feels the minimal amount of pain and embarrassment.
I really don't know... I'm battelings with swings and roundabouts on this topic, but thought you could use some of my points?
good luck