David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Health Beyond the Normal or What To Do If You Don’t Have a Sense of Normality Due to Trauma or Neglect
Living Authentically
April 13, 2012
Presuming there is a normal
Most healing, therapy or self development presumes that we have a normal, healthy life; that our problem(s) disrupt this; we deal with it; and get back to normal.
Unfortunately
Unfortunately for some people there isn’t this normal. If you suffered early trauma, especially if it was ongoing trauma, then you won’t have this ‘normal, healthy’ life as something you live and can go back to.
This doesn’t only apply to trauma – violence and abuse – it can also include neglect. If your care-givers never connected with you emotionally for instance. This can be harder to see – your care-givers might have provided well for you and genuinely did their best in their own way – and it still left you with a yawning chasm of need for emotional connection.
This means
If you did suffer ongoing trauma or neglect you may end up feeling that ‘just getting through the day’ takes everything in you. You don’t experience ‘cruise y days’ where things just go along normally – no big dramas, no big highs, things go normally and you get to the end of the day feeling ok.
We adapt to our early experiences – even if they are trauma or neglect. They are what is normal for us. If you experienced ongoing trauma you may find that ‘you only have one gear’ that you do what you do full-on or not at all; or that you are easily ‘triggered’ – what other people take in their stride you take a long while to recover from, like being startled by a loud noise sets your adrenalin surging and it can take minutes or hours to recover from it.
If a need of yours was chronically neglected then managing this longing can mean you feel exhausted at the end of the day. Or that what other people find normal has a huge impact on you. If you didn’t get enough physical touch then shaking hands or a hug on meeting might send you into a spin.
There is no ‘normal’ for you.
If you suffered chronic neglect or abuse early then you may feel that you are always in crisis mode. (I suppose you could say that this is your “normal”.)
You don’t have a sense that things are going along well and then something disrupts you. Instead you feel that your life is turned upside down by what others take in their stride.
Others seem to have a centre that they usually function from, and that they return to after a problem has been dealt with. For you, if you did suffer early and chronic neglect or trauma, you may have little sense of a centre – or feel that your ‘hold’ on it is precarious.
What to do
I think there are at least three possible approaches to finding satisfaction if you don’t have the sense of life being normal for you.
Bliss
Usually we are able to recall moments of euphoria, moments when we have been absorbed in what we are doing, when we have lost a sense of time and anxiety about ourselves.
These give us hints about what we need. These are moments when our deep needs have been met (even if we didn’t know beforehand what these needs were).
Pain
Pain has the advantage of getting our attention, and, if there is not too much of it, being motivating. It doesn’t take much to get us to pay attention to pain usually.
(Unless you have trained yourself to ignore it. In this case get good support before you set about undoing this habit. Otherwise you can end up overwhelmed which will be very unpleasant and not help at all. If you are someone who ignores pain don’t try learning from it. Just skip this part of the post.)
Instincts
By the time we are adults we will have developed a repertoire of responses that occur more quickly than conscious thought.
If you suffered chronic abuse or neglect you will have retrained some of your instincts.
But you will have other instincts that still work well for you. As you tune in to these healthy instincts you can get a sense of ‘what smells right’, where you are comfortable, and what disgusts you, for instance. By tuning in to your instincts you will get a sense of what is healthy for you.
Health beyond the normal.
Even if you don’t have a sense of what is normal you will have a sense of what is healthy in some areas of your life. Bliss, pain and your instincts give indications of your needs and how to fulfil them in a healthy way.
Once you can tune in to what is healthy in some areas you can begin to expand this into other areas too. Step by step in small and safe ways.
Living Authentically
April 13, 2012
Presuming there is a normal
Most healing, therapy or self development presumes that we have a normal, healthy life; that our problem(s) disrupt this; we deal with it; and get back to normal.
Unfortunately
Unfortunately for some people there isn’t this normal. If you suffered early trauma, especially if it was ongoing trauma, then you won’t have this ‘normal, healthy’ life as something you live and can go back to.
This doesn’t only apply to trauma – violence and abuse – it can also include neglect. If your care-givers never connected with you emotionally for instance. This can be harder to see – your care-givers might have provided well for you and genuinely did their best in their own way – and it still left you with a yawning chasm of need for emotional connection.
This means
If you did suffer ongoing trauma or neglect you may end up feeling that ‘just getting through the day’ takes everything in you. You don’t experience ‘cruise y days’ where things just go along normally – no big dramas, no big highs, things go normally and you get to the end of the day feeling ok.
We adapt to our early experiences – even if they are trauma or neglect. They are what is normal for us. If you experienced ongoing trauma you may find that ‘you only have one gear’ that you do what you do full-on or not at all; or that you are easily ‘triggered’ – what other people take in their stride you take a long while to recover from, like being startled by a loud noise sets your adrenalin surging and it can take minutes or hours to recover from it.
If a need of yours was chronically neglected then managing this longing can mean you feel exhausted at the end of the day. Or that what other people find normal has a huge impact on you. If you didn’t get enough physical touch then shaking hands or a hug on meeting might send you into a spin.
There is no ‘normal’ for you.
If you suffered chronic neglect or abuse early then you may feel that you are always in crisis mode. (I suppose you could say that this is your “normal”.)
You don’t have a sense that things are going along well and then something disrupts you. Instead you feel that your life is turned upside down by what others take in their stride.
Others seem to have a centre that they usually function from, and that they return to after a problem has been dealt with. For you, if you did suffer early and chronic neglect or trauma, you may have little sense of a centre – or feel that your ‘hold’ on it is precarious.
What to do
I think there are at least three possible approaches to finding satisfaction if you don’t have the sense of life being normal for you.
- Learn from your bliss
- Learn from your pain
- Learn from your instincts
Bliss
Usually we are able to recall moments of euphoria, moments when we have been absorbed in what we are doing, when we have lost a sense of time and anxiety about ourselves.
These give us hints about what we need. These are moments when our deep needs have been met (even if we didn’t know beforehand what these needs were).
- Take a moment to recall a few moments of euphoria.
- Then see if they have things in common. Perhaps it was a kind of environment. Perhaps it was a kind of activity. Perhaps it was a kind of group that you were in.
- See what these moments of bliss have to tell you about your needs.
- Then do one simple thing to meet this need.
Pain
Pain has the advantage of getting our attention, and, if there is not too much of it, being motivating. It doesn’t take much to get us to pay attention to pain usually.
(Unless you have trained yourself to ignore it. In this case get good support before you set about undoing this habit. Otherwise you can end up overwhelmed which will be very unpleasant and not help at all. If you are someone who ignores pain don’t try learning from it. Just skip this part of the post.)
- Take a moment to think of a few things that you don’t enjoy. (It doesn’t have to be major pain but stuff you know that doesn’t suit you.)
- Then get specific about what the pain is.
- Not, “my friend annoys me”, but what your friend says or does that annoys you.
- Not, “I don’t like this job”, but what it is about the job that you hate.
- Then take a moment to know what causes you pain.
- Then do one small and easy thing to reduce the amount of pain in your life.
Instincts
By the time we are adults we will have developed a repertoire of responses that occur more quickly than conscious thought.
- We move our hand off a hot surface.
- We smell that food is off.
- We adjust our clothing or posture if it is uncomfortable.
- We turn our head to locate a sound.
If you suffered chronic abuse or neglect you will have retrained some of your instincts.
- To ignore some kinds of physical pain,or,
- Your hunger signals, or,
- Your longing for recognition, or,
- whatever.
But you will have other instincts that still work well for you. As you tune in to these healthy instincts you can get a sense of ‘what smells right’, where you are comfortable, and what disgusts you, for instance. By tuning in to your instincts you will get a sense of what is healthy for you.
- Take a moment to think of some of your instinctive reactions. Acknowledge that they give you a raw sense of what is healthy for you.
- Take a moment to imagine what it would be like to be more in touch with your instincts. Imagine how you life would be different if you listened to your instincts more. See if you can imagine five or six specific instances of listening to your instincts and how this would specifically affect you.
- Then do one small thing to listen to your instincts more.
Health beyond the normal.
Even if you don’t have a sense of what is normal you will have a sense of what is healthy in some areas of your life. Bliss, pain and your instincts give indications of your needs and how to fulfil them in a healthy way.
Once you can tune in to what is healthy in some areas you can begin to expand this into other areas too. Step by step in small and safe ways.
