forgetmenot
MVP
i don't feel like someone i feel like that no one that nothing from long ago
I have nothing to hold onto now i wish i could explain more
- Thread starter forgetmenot
- Start date
i don't feel like someone i feel like that no one that nothing from long ago
I have nothing to hold onto now i wish i could explain more
When you say, 'I have nothing to hold on to' -
So was your work role more of a sense of security, a sense of grounding?
Or more a sense of worth?
Or both?
xx
So was your work role more of a sense of security, a sense of grounding?
Or more a sense of worth?
Or both?
xx
forgetmenot
MVP
My work was an escape from reality it was safe haven so to speak oh god i had connections there i was someone there i had self worth there
when i was there there was no time to think about anything but my work my patients i had escape from the pain the sadness inside me
it was a way out for awhile you know
when i was there there was no time to think about anything but my work my patients i had escape from the pain the sadness inside me
it was a way out for awhile you know
Yeah, I see. A lot of different positive functions for you.
Great work for talking about it Forgetmenot and articulating it a bit more.
I guess the main thing to remember is we really can, and will, find other new ways to serve those functions.
Our therapist can really help us to work out how we are going to do that, and help us through all the challenges of the change.
One thing I wonder about sometimes: I wonder whether some folks may feel guilty or ill at ease, about the new ways of serving those functions though.
You strike me Forgetmenot as someone who is understandably very devoted and caring about your family, and you have a family who have a lot of challenges.
Sometimes, people in that situation, who could otherwise move more smoothly into new positive things after retirement, might find themselves instead thinking, 'Wait - how can I start some new positive thing for myself or volunteer for strangers, without pay?
Shouldn't I instead be doing this or that for family, if I have time on my hands? Or maybe, will my family think that?'
(They did not have that concern when it was paid work. Because paid work contributes to the house income, financially helps support the family members, and so they see it as more of a 'necessary responsibility and an obligation'. These type of folks have no trouble with responsibility and obligation! So that makes work seem different to these other things.)
Of course that might not be you. But do you think that factor is possibly a barrier for you, when you consider new ways you can experience those positive things?
Great work for talking about it Forgetmenot and articulating it a bit more.
I guess the main thing to remember is we really can, and will, find other new ways to serve those functions.
Our therapist can really help us to work out how we are going to do that, and help us through all the challenges of the change.
One thing I wonder about sometimes: I wonder whether some folks may feel guilty or ill at ease, about the new ways of serving those functions though.
You strike me Forgetmenot as someone who is understandably very devoted and caring about your family, and you have a family who have a lot of challenges.
Sometimes, people in that situation, who could otherwise move more smoothly into new positive things after retirement, might find themselves instead thinking, 'Wait - how can I start some new positive thing for myself or volunteer for strangers, without pay?
Shouldn't I instead be doing this or that for family, if I have time on my hands? Or maybe, will my family think that?'
(They did not have that concern when it was paid work. Because paid work contributes to the house income, financially helps support the family members, and so they see it as more of a 'necessary responsibility and an obligation'. These type of folks have no trouble with responsibility and obligation! So that makes work seem different to these other things.)
Of course that might not be you. But do you think that factor is possibly a barrier for you, when you consider new ways you can experience those positive things?
forgetmenot
MVP
My obligation have been to my family that is why i was and am so tired i was bu rning candle at both ends sot to speak but my work took me away from the sadness of my family. dam My first day of retirement i have been up since 545 am and going non stop until now looking after my girl then my mother and twin who is not well
i am so afraid for her and i feel so guilty that i do not do more i can't breath ok i can't breath because there is so much sadness
I eill be expected and rightly do to step up my time now to help out when all i want to do is to not be here it is hard for me
i don't want to see any more or feel any more i really don't want to be here
have a plan and it is almost complete one more step that is all and that step will take alot of courage yes and alot of soul searching but it will be it has to be
i um have not been here no me really for a long time my career kept me going for awhile until i just had nothing left in me to go on
i am not wanting to fight anymore i am not wanting to be a carer anymore i want one thing but i cannot have that until my last step is completed
the circle is completed it is i started from nothing and i will end up nothing
i am so afraid for her and i feel so guilty that i do not do more i can't breath ok i can't breath because there is so much sadness
I eill be expected and rightly do to step up my time now to help out when all i want to do is to not be here it is hard for me
i don't want to see any more or feel any more i really don't want to be here
have a plan and it is almost complete one more step that is all and that step will take alot of courage yes and alot of soul searching but it will be it has to be
i um have not been here no me really for a long time my career kept me going for awhile until i just had nothing left in me to go on
i am not wanting to fight anymore i am not wanting to be a carer anymore i want one thing but i cannot have that until my last step is completed
the circle is completed it is i started from nothing and i will end up nothing
I encourage you to keep speaking frankly to your therapist Forgetmenot, as frankly as you have here, about these topics.
While I can only feel for the pain you have been in for a long time, I have to urge you to think about the following two facts:
-There is definitely another way and it is genuinely better. It is just so hard to see, in your position.
- If you left early, would that not sort of render all the help and support you have given to your family, quite undone?
Far better to look after yourself in some new ways and give yourself what you really need, while still supporting your family reasonably and appropriately for your (and their) varying capabilities and situation.
The first option which your mind keeps dangling before you, is very lose-lose for everyone, while the second option is win-win.
But you will need to work openly with your therapist, to avoid falling for the trick.
Sometimes we never get to experience how well the second option can work, for everybody, as for so long we are too afraid to try it...
Random events, and other peoples choices, that we were not responsible for, that we could not really have prevented, may have also added to the fear.
Meanwhile, it is just not something we have ever done, we were not taught it early in life - we may have learned the opposite - and we are tricked with a very old illusion, that we do not deserve to make our own needs significant and that is not okay - that it takes away from others.
When in fact, we can make it so that it only gives and gives, and teaches healthy things to others - lessons they will not do well without.
We do not have to try it in a huge way, straight away. We can try it slowly and carefully, seeing what we can do in small ways or small amounts - only up to the point that seems okay; and we can prove the benefits without risking anything.
Please keep talking about all of this to your therapist and us, Forgetmenot.
Thinking about you a lot.
xox
While I can only feel for the pain you have been in for a long time, I have to urge you to think about the following two facts:
-There is definitely another way and it is genuinely better. It is just so hard to see, in your position.
- If you left early, would that not sort of render all the help and support you have given to your family, quite undone?
Far better to look after yourself in some new ways and give yourself what you really need, while still supporting your family reasonably and appropriately for your (and their) varying capabilities and situation.
The first option which your mind keeps dangling before you, is very lose-lose for everyone, while the second option is win-win.
But you will need to work openly with your therapist, to avoid falling for the trick.
Sometimes we never get to experience how well the second option can work, for everybody, as for so long we are too afraid to try it...
Random events, and other peoples choices, that we were not responsible for, that we could not really have prevented, may have also added to the fear.
Meanwhile, it is just not something we have ever done, we were not taught it early in life - we may have learned the opposite - and we are tricked with a very old illusion, that we do not deserve to make our own needs significant and that is not okay - that it takes away from others.
When in fact, we can make it so that it only gives and gives, and teaches healthy things to others - lessons they will not do well without.
We do not have to try it in a huge way, straight away. We can try it slowly and carefully, seeing what we can do in small ways or small amounts - only up to the point that seems okay; and we can prove the benefits without risking anything.
Please keep talking about all of this to your therapist and us, Forgetmenot.
Thinking about you a lot.
xox
forgetmenot
MVP
See my therapist today thanks MHealthJo i see only one option but as you say depression is doing that i will talk to him as much as i can
Really great work hanging in there Forgetmenot.......
So sorry that it is so very hard.
I guess that's the case for many too - many have lived a whole lifetime really of 'hanging in there' - it seems the only thing there is.
Great great work in keeping on, being around for those you love.
I believe if they had to choose between you
a) having to do less for them, or
b) being totally gone because the full pace is not healthy and not possible.....
I know what they would choose.
xox
So sorry that it is so very hard.
I guess that's the case for many too - many have lived a whole lifetime really of 'hanging in there' - it seems the only thing there is.
Great great work in keeping on, being around for those you love.
I believe if they had to choose between you
a) having to do less for them, or
b) being totally gone because the full pace is not healthy and not possible.....
I know what they would choose.
xox
Always Changing
MVP
I hope you had a good session today Forgetmenot.
thinking of you.
things do get better ok my friend, they do, .
thinking of you.
things do get better ok my friend, they do, .
forgetmenot
MVP
words would not come out until now
I saw my psychologist and we talked and some tears came
i did not realize i had been seeing him so long and that i had been sad so long 4.5yrs wow
meds again were brought up hard one but i told him i will talk to my gp on 30th this month
i was upfront i told him my thought i need one more step to be done
but he got me to see i had accomplish things and that not all is as dark as i feel
how can sadness stay with a person so long
Thanks for saying things get better AC i will have to take your word for that
right now i am just keep me so busy helping my family so i don't think
AC i will be ok right i will be ok i just have to keep my mind busy
Hope all is well for you AC
I saw my psychologist and we talked and some tears came
i did not realize i had been seeing him so long and that i had been sad so long 4.5yrs wow
meds again were brought up hard one but i told him i will talk to my gp on 30th this month
i was upfront i told him my thought i need one more step to be done
but he got me to see i had accomplish things and that not all is as dark as i feel
how can sadness stay with a person so long
Thanks for saying things get better AC i will have to take your word for that
right now i am just keep me so busy helping my family so i don't think
AC i will be ok right i will be ok i just have to keep my mind busy
Hope all is well for you AC
forgetmenot
MVP
don't know what to do ask my gp or not fight or give in
i am alone in my mind this battle so long it has been going on
i don't see me
i am alone in my mind this battle so long it has been going on
i don't see me
What is it that you dont know whether to ask your GP, Forgetmenot?
And what is it that you are afraid of?
And what is it that you are afraid of?
Budoaiki
MVP
Was this about your therapists recommendation that you talk to your GP about meds?
What are you fighting, Forgetmenot?
Or, what is fighting against what?
xx
---------- Post Merged at 01:45 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:20 PM ----------
Its so easy to get into confusion, or to start out with confusions which aren't easy to get rid of....
It's so very important to be really sure we are fighting the right battles...... Or, fighting on the right side....
Fighting for our true health and true wellbeing and true strength...... not a certain idea or 'concept' of strength...... or a false identity of strength, that does not allow humanity.... does not allow the true, real, genuine range and array and complexity of our humanity.....ideas that have to be let go.....
.....they only hurt and exhaust us and beat us down..... they give nothing.... a benefit that is just an illusion........ they take, they just take, not only from us but from our loved ones too.......
We can choose the battle that is best to fight, we can choose the right side.......
We can choose to lay down our arms, or switch side, in some battles. And find peace.....
Fighting the wrong battles is terribly exhausting, terribly disheartening..... it hurts, and nobody wins..... there are no true spoils....
We can ask for all the help we need, to choose the right battle, and then win. We deserve that.
forgetmenot
MVP
YEs i was to ask about medication again and i did and i stated i did not need them and she believed me that i could cope without them as i have been doing
I told her i have been seeing a therapist a very long time now since all this started 5 yrs ago
i think perhaps sometimes i am fighting a losing battle one within myself one that says i don't need anyone i never have needed anyone i fight on my own don't trust anyone they only harm
Yet i have been with this therapist a long time so there is trust there some trust and i don't know why he has not given up on me
i don't know why he hasn't walked away
I have taken enough of his valuable time i am taking it away from people who need him more and i do feel guilty about that
i assured my gp i was not going anywhere i told her of my thoughts but they are just thoughts of wanting a way out
This battle me against her me in control against the one that is so dam weak me not wanting to be one of them this battle in just inside me dam
see battle is just me and my mind and i have to win i have to have control strength
Meds will not help me they harm me they are just one more battle i fight one more battle god
I don't know I am ok I am ok because i have to be ok i have to be ok
sorry
"We can ask for all the help we need, to choose the right battle, and then win. We deserve that."
I wish i could ask for help i really wish i could but i cannot i don't want help i guess
I have to stay here for them even when my mind says enough already enough
i don't know who me is anymore i am no one in my mind no one
I told her i have been seeing a therapist a very long time now since all this started 5 yrs ago
i think perhaps sometimes i am fighting a losing battle one within myself one that says i don't need anyone i never have needed anyone i fight on my own don't trust anyone they only harm
Yet i have been with this therapist a long time so there is trust there some trust and i don't know why he has not given up on me
i don't know why he hasn't walked away
I have taken enough of his valuable time i am taking it away from people who need him more and i do feel guilty about that
i assured my gp i was not going anywhere i told her of my thoughts but they are just thoughts of wanting a way out
This battle me against her me in control against the one that is so dam weak me not wanting to be one of them this battle in just inside me dam
see battle is just me and my mind and i have to win i have to have control strength
Meds will not help me they harm me they are just one more battle i fight one more battle god
I don't know I am ok I am ok because i have to be ok i have to be ok
sorry
"We can ask for all the help we need, to choose the right battle, and then win. We deserve that."
I wish i could ask for help i really wish i could but i cannot i don't want help i guess
I have to stay here for them even when my mind says enough already enough
i don't know who me is anymore i am no one in my mind no one
What is it you are afraid will happen, Forgetmenot, if you ask your therapist for help to change the nature of these battles in your mind?
The thing that you are afraid of -
is it worse than now - worse than the prospect of these ongoing battles?
xox
The thing that you are afraid of -
is it worse than now - worse than the prospect of these ongoing battles?
xox
Budoaiki
MVP
Forgetmenot,
I respectively disagree, I don't think you've waisted your therapists time your health and well being are just as important as anyone else's.
That's a battle he's chosen to help you with and meds are a valuable part of the arsenal there's no weakness in following a battle plan.
In my opinion you are a very caring person, one deserving of all the support you've sought so there's no need to apologize for that or how you feel.
I respectively disagree, I don't think you've waisted your therapists time your health and well being are just as important as anyone else's.
That's a battle he's chosen to help you with and meds are a valuable part of the arsenal there's no weakness in following a battle plan.
In my opinion you are a very caring person, one deserving of all the support you've sought so there's no need to apologize for that or how you feel.
forgetmenot
MVP
Thank you both for your replies i am afraid i don't know fear of losing control fear of becoming so overwhelmed with pain It is still there god it is still there after all these years dam it the sadness the dam sadness the anger the guilt the shame the anger the anger don't want to feel i don't want to feel her pain i don't want to go there
and yet i am not a professional not anymore i can't breath fear of losing control i cannot go there i have to stay in control of me and have no emotions is the only way to stay in control wow i have to stay me who ever the hell that is now i have to just stay me
My therapist has pushed meds meds and yet he knows my brain fights it because in taking the meds i guess it confirms i am ill i am not in control i don't know but each time i try taking them i feel like i failed somehow stupid i know i know how stupid t hat sounds but that is how brain works
You see them all fight you see them all struggle you see their pain theri suffering and you say i cannot become one of them icannot become one of them i cannot become one of them meds meds say i am one.
5 yrs almost i don't know i think if i was my therapist i would have walked away He did not sign on for this ok he did not sign on to have me as a client this long He was to help me only get over the suicide of my brother to help me deal with that loss and um i g uess i am still here so he did what i ask him to He promised he would not throw me away and he has not I do not want to keep him to that promise he has done more for me then anyone has in my life dam t dam this tears
How long how long does one go to therapy when one does not even follow her therapist suggestion when one is non compliant It is not fair to him he did not sign on for this
and yet i am not a professional not anymore i can't breath fear of losing control i cannot go there i have to stay in control of me and have no emotions is the only way to stay in control wow i have to stay me who ever the hell that is now i have to just stay me
My therapist has pushed meds meds and yet he knows my brain fights it because in taking the meds i guess it confirms i am ill i am not in control i don't know but each time i try taking them i feel like i failed somehow stupid i know i know how stupid t hat sounds but that is how brain works
You see them all fight you see them all struggle you see their pain theri suffering and you say i cannot become one of them icannot become one of them i cannot become one of them meds meds say i am one.
5 yrs almost i don't know i think if i was my therapist i would have walked away He did not sign on for this ok he did not sign on to have me as a client this long He was to help me only get over the suicide of my brother to help me deal with that loss and um i g uess i am still here so he did what i ask him to He promised he would not throw me away and he has not I do not want to keep him to that promise he has done more for me then anyone has in my life dam t dam this tears
How long how long does one go to therapy when one does not even follow her therapist suggestion when one is non compliant It is not fair to him he did not sign on for this
Are you in control hun?
Are you successfully away from that pain?
You say you have not been 'you' for a long time now.
-------
These goals sound desirable...
But hun, the way you are going about them, does it work?
---------
Why not again consider different ideas of doing things that will help you actually, in reality, have more control, feel less pain, and stay 'you'.
In reality.
Yes, there will be battles also in going about things in a different way. The issues of feeling like a 'failure' or identifying with people you dont want to identify with. But if you are open and honest about those things too, your therapist (and we) can help you to the other side of those obstacles. Therapists, if they can engage fully with the patient, can be very successful in helping a person change their beliefs and views of themselves.
xox
---------- Post Merged at 09:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:05 PM ----------
^^ These battles are worthy and can be won.....
The ones you are fighting now, I don't know.
xox
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