When to say I love you or not

[nathalie]

Everything was fine with my boyfriend of 7months before I took one week vacation down south. I came back and got sick. Being sick gave him the interpretation that I was distant and felt for a full day that I was going to dump him. It’s funny because by him being distant, it made me get distant and when we finally spoke to each other we realized that we both assumed wrong. We always talk so much about everything and we are so opened about everything, that we failed to talk about this sooner, yet importantly we did get to talk and straighten this out a couple of days later.
I know my boyfriend has many problems going on in his life right now. He is worried about his dad, and he is being bounced from responsibility to job without any clear direction. I too have many things that are happening and I cannot seem to concentrate clearly since things are a bit tough for us right now, but yet there is no such thing of having a perfect relationship for testing makes us stronger to combat bigger issues in the future if they arise.

I have learnt that nobody is perfect till you start falling in love with them. Of course nobody is perfect in life, but the perfection every individual searches for is the perfection that they feel in their hearts and what is good enough for them is what is most important.

Some people fall in love quickly, for some its love at first sight, and for others it’s a continuation of getting to know one another to become an ever lasting love. When you have been burnt like we have, you become more cautious and you get scared to tell the other person that you love them. I think when you tell someone really early in a relationship that you love them, it may just be words of infatuation, or a guideline of norms. There is no real test of time to tell someone when you love them, it just happens one day and then you have attained another step in your relationship.

The first couple of months, I didn’t even think of the love word, but around the 6th month, when we would make love, I stopped myself twice from telling him I loved him. I was scared and unsure and was worried about what he would think.

When I went away I wasn’t lonely at the beginning, I wasn’t sure I missed him, but then I realized that yeah, after the ocean and sand sunked in my body, and the pina coladas had been drank, after a couple of days without hearing from him, I missed him. I would even say we started to miss each other around the same time. Around Tuesday and Wednesday that same week.

We do have a connection and we can talk about everything together. We are opened with one another and most important of all we started a good foundation based slowly on friendship. We are taking the time it takes to get to know one another. We didn’t start our relationship based on lust, we waited 2 months. Our lovemaking is passionate, and although we don’t spend that much time together because of our schedules I do miss him and I know that if he was no longer in my life I would miss him dearly because I have grown attached to this man. I have gotten attached to the funny stories and the comfort he gives me when I have a problem. I feel safest in his arms and all the bad dreams and anxiety go away in my life when he is holding me.

He may not feel that he is special in my life, and I have not been fully expressive and show him with touch and words how I truly feel, but as time goes by I want him to be part of my life, I want him to be part of my family, I want him to be my lover and my best friend.

I am scared, yesterday he said he loved alot of things about me, but wasnt sure if he was in love with me. I am not IN love with him but i do love him and i dont want to got with someone else.

Can you help me out.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Nathalie:

From your description, it sounds as though both of you are still protecting yourselves against the possibility of future hurt, a natural reaction when you have been hurt before. I also think your caution about waiting and letting your own feelings develop over time is wise - you're right - many people do confuse infatuation with love, or lust with love, and sometimes it takes a while to be sure.

But you are also both struggling with the idea of "being in love" versus "loving" - you say "I am not IN love with him but I do love him and I dont want to go with someone else". I wonder how, in your own mind, you make the distinction between "in love with him" and "I do love him".

Two thoughts come to mind: First, it may be fear and insecurity - protecting yourself - that is causing both of you to keep a certain emotional distance from one another and in turn prevents you from attaining the total connection with one another that you associate with "being in love". Second, it's hard in any relationship to sustain that "being in love" feeling that happens with the first rush of love - some people mistake that feeling and worry that when it isn't there with the initial intensoty it means that what you feel can't be "true" love - some spend there entire lives going from one new relationship to another trying to find that feeling again. But in most successfult long-term relationships, that intense passion and excitement evolves into a closer, more trusting, more connected, more durable love that is actually much more precious and meaningful.

I would suggest that both of you give yourselves more time to let this relationship unfold and evolve and to discover what it can become. It seems pretty clear that it is important to both of you and not something either of you is eager to give up - I think it would be a mistake to walk away from it because of fear or mistaken expectations about what you should be feeling at this moment.

 

[nathalie]

Thank You

Hello,

I just wanted to thank you for your response. I feel there is much truth to what you say and I am very grateful to know that true feelings and companionship doesnt necessarily come overnight. It is true what you say, some people often jump from one relationship to the other looking for something that they may never find. They also confuse the feelings of if there isnt the big firework show going on, it may not be the right person). Its unfortunate that they dont look past it. I think they do get confused with what a relationship is all about. I will give it my best and will continue to take the time and devotion to build this relationship. Thank you once again.