Which approach should I seek for?

[Cristina]

Hi everyone, I have been browsing this forum for a long time trying to find people in a situation similar to mine to see how to get better. Unfortunately I haven?t found any. A lot of people have bronken up with partners and want to forget the past and move on. But I want to forget the past with my husband who I have not left and I am happy with now, which is a very different situation.

We?ve had a lot of problems during the 14 years we have been together. About 6 months ago I have accidentally read in a magazine about ADHD in adults and both me and him thought he had all the symptoms of it. I was happy to find out that the lack of attention and self-control I felt in him could be due to a biological condition and not lack of love as I thought, I became more understanding instead of angry. At the same time he seeked therapy and made great progress on some specific behaviors that were damaging him and our relationship. We both made the effort to develop closeness again and after a while we became very happy as a couple and as a family (we have a daughter).

But from time to time, I recall how things were like until a few months ago and become very sad, resentful, angry and worried, this lasts a few days during which I am not a very pleasant person to be around. I do not want to ruin everything we have done to recover our love for each other, but I can?t forget the past stuff, I can?t believe I have lived a bad relationship my whole life.

I know I am being stupid and childish. I want to look for a therapist, but I do not know which approach would work the best. Plus I am a little ashamed for being so silly. DOES ANYONE RECOMEND A SPECIFIC APPROACH?

I am 33, started dating my husband when I was 18, we are the same age. We have a 9 year old daughter and we didn?t plan children or marriage, it just happened (in that order). At first we were crazy about each other but after a few years it was clear we would be unhappy, we tried to break up a few times before the birth of our child, then we considered a divorce last year, but decided trying to work things out for a last time. I WANT TO ENJOY MY MARRIAGE WITHOUT LOOKING BACK TO THE PAST AND FEELING RESENTFUL. I appreciate any suggestions, thanks.

 

[Trust]

Hi Cristina! Welcome to the forum! :wave4:

I'm new here as well but have found the people here to be very kind and welcoming and my particpation here feels really positive and helpful to me. I hope you have the same kind of experience!

I was married for about the same amount of time as you, but have been divorced for many years now. I married very young, had kids, and had very little in common with my husband. I decided to leave the marriage, but by no means was that an easy decision, and although I do feel that I made the best choice for me, it had its downside as well.

First, and most important to me, was the effect of the divorce on my kids. It is painful for children to endure the separation of their parents. All their expectations of life are changed by that decision. My children did adjust, as many children do, but it requires as much commitment if not more than the marriage itself, to ensure that they come through it all okay.

My situation is unusal because my ex and I have not remarried and while we lived apart we shared in the rights and responsibilities of raising the children. We kept things as "normal" as possible for them, ie same friends, schools etc and we have never spent a family holiday apart ie Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, weddings, etc. Some people find that odd, and it may be, but it has worked out for our family. I guess that's what happened - my ex and I divorced but we are all still a family.

Looking back, it was not easy. Financially, things were more difficult because you have to maintain two households. Emotionally, it is lonely at times. Compatibility was not there from the beginning insofar as interests, personality types, spirituality, future plans, etc. for my ex and me, but I have come to see that our values about the important things have never changed - we both made our children our main priority and have raised them well. They are now all grown and we have grandchildren which we both find delightful!

Only you and your husband can decide if your marriage has a future. I will say though, think long and hard because the alternative can be very difficult to adjust to and it adds more stress to your life in some ways. I look back at how impatient and demanding I was with my husband and how ill prepared he was to tune into my needs; I often blamed him for my own inadequacies, sex was another area where our expectations were disappointed and yet we didn't talk about it; communication was not good between us. We both had limited experiences in relationships prior to marrying. Having kids when we were barely adults ourselves was something neither of us were prepared for but we both lived up to the challenges in that respect even though our approaches were opposite which also caused conflicts.


I believe we are tempted to think that there is someone else "out there" where we could find more understanding and fullfillment, when the truth is that the answers to our happiness and fulfillment come from within. At least, that's what I have found for me. And any subsequent relationships I had after my marriage broke up saw me repeating the same kind of issues with a new person. Needless to say, I have not been successful in the romance dept.

It's a very complicated thing - and if I were you I would pursue counselling to see if there is something you can discover about yourself that will help you cope with your feelings and find the happiness you need in yourself and then see if that happiness can be incorporated into your marriage. Communication is so important between partners, IMO.

It's great that your husband is taking part in therapy. You may be feeling some sort of feelings of being left out or left behind as he is engaged in his own process of self discovery which IMO is a natural thing to feel.

Obviously, I have no idea if anything I'm writing will be at all helpful, but that is my intention. I'm kind of tired and need to head off to bed soon!

I'm sure you will get lots of response from others whom may be able to articulate more clearly the thoughts that I am trying to convey.

Best of luck to you and your husband and daughter, Cristina!

 

[ladylore]

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Cristina :welcome: to Psychlinks

Glad you joined us

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, Cristina - welcome to Psychlinks.

I don't think the specific approach is as important as the therapist's knowledge of the issues that face you. First, you want to find someone who understands and has some experience with adult ADHD, since from what you say this appears to be at the root of the problems that you've experienced in your marriage. Second, you want to find someone who is willing to work with you individually but also with you and your husband as a couple so you want someone who offers and has experience with marriage or copuples counselling.

 

[Rima]

Hi, it feels like what you're saying is that you want some acknowledgment, or recognition of what you went through for so long, and are feeling deprived somehow of that, plus maybe want some way of making it up to yourself, or want your husband to do so. Well, he's obviously made a huge effort to change, and apparently has, which can be rare to say the least, but he's also gotten all the attention while it was happening and you're still stuck in the past (psychologically). Why don't you see if you can find someone for you to talk to by yourself, to get your feelings out and get some feedback. You need to deal with it all too, especially as his behaviour impacted you for so long. Good luck!

 

[Jazzey]

Welcome to Psychlinks Cristina

 

[Cristina]

Thanks for all your contributions, It has really been helpful, I will definitely see a therapist ASAP.