Who's to Say What's "Right" in Parenting?
by Dr. Dan Bochner
Have you ever wondered why you treat your kids so differently when other people are around? It's a common difficulty in parenting to be influenced by the judgment of others, even when you're confident about how you want to handle your kids. Most of the time this difficulty occurs around the issue of discipline. Maybe you tend to be the kind of parent who likes to let your children have a little freedom, and you find that others seem to suggest, through body language or sideways glances, that your children are getting out of hand. Suddenly, and right out of the blue, you become some wicked and maniacal control freak whom your children hardly recognize. Or perhaps your kids know you always follow through, and you're very careful about what they do. Then your friends or family seem to suggest, through some twisted crack or smarmy witticism, that you're way too “anal.” “Just let kids be kids, for goodness sake,” they say. Suddenly, and right out of the blue, you become some free love flower child that your kids, not surprisingly, are all too eager to meet. While these characterizations might be exaggerations, what is important to know is that consistency of approach, not any one parenting style, is what leads to the best results in raising kids.
The basic problem here is that no one, and I mean no one, really knows for sure what single parenting approach is best for children in the long run. It is much easier to know what is not good than what is good. Extreme beliefs in any direction are definitely not good. What is good boils down to a few basic principles that are necessary to ensure emotional maturation. Each of these differ considerably depending upon the viewpoint of the individual parent. Let’s say that loving your children means providing proper guidance through kindness and affection, balanced by firmness and consistency (please see article, The Essentials of Parenting). If that is so, then how do we know how much kindness and affection to give before becoming firm and making sure we are consistent? Unfortunately, that is a very complicated question. Nevertheless, two basic approaches to parenting can be easily outlined, and the basic strengths and weaknesses of each are easily delineated. One, the authoritarian approach to parenting, balances toward the side of discipline. The other, the child-centered approach to parenting, balances toward the side of kindness and affection.
The authoritarian approach, when properly balanced, will definitely lead to driven children who are quite likely to succeed in very conventional ways. Children from well-balanced authoritarian homes very much want to please their parents as youngsters. Then, as young adults, they typically identify with their parents in becoming extremely moral and responsible, and as full grown adults they are, most of the time, very hardworking. Of course, there are no guarantees, and deciding whether the authoritarian approach is relatively balanced or not often has to do with the particular temperament and personality characteristics of any individual child. When the authoritarian approach is not well-balanced, that is when it is either too harsh and controlling or when it is being employed with a child who naturally tends to look at things in a different way, certain problems are likely to occur. Problems in authoritarian homes often develop from children believing they have to be “perfect” to please their parents when authority is too strict, harsh, or controlling. On the other hand, when a child simply doesn't fit with seeing things as right or wrong, many kinds of depression and anxiety can develop from feeling as though one's specialness is never recognized.
In the more child-centered home, when freedom and discipline are relatively well-balanced, children do feel special and know their worth to their parents. Such children often find the occupations that really suit them and follow their heart in making decisions for their lives. Children from well-balanced child-centered homes work to develop their creative thinking. They tend to see kindness and independent thinking as the most important attributes for any person, and they prize being fair above respect or what others unthinkingly believe to be right or wrong. Of course there are no guarantees in the child-centered approach either. A child's temperament is equally important in deciding goodness of fit within the child-centered home. Many children do want things to be simple and benefit from a clear and concise approach to what will please their parents. Such children don't feel natural in finding their own creative solutions and they can feel alienated in the child-centered home. When the child-centered approach is not well-balanced by proper guidance and discipline, very significant difficulties can arise. Many children from unbalanced child-centered homes feel exceedingly entitled if they receive excessive unearned praise. Often they feel too comfortable in being at their parents' level authority, so they can actually be quite disrespectful. Many children from such homes can also get lost in figuring out who they are or what they are supposed to do. They struggle to find meaningful goals since meaning itself is so important. There is often not enough satisfaction for such children in working hard or a job well-done. Children from child-centered homes also often lack adequate ability to compete because kindness is so highly valued. Sometimes they develop a distaste for competition which further strips them of any desire to “get to the top.” Depression and anxiety can develop in the child from the child-centered home when work seems too hard or when one finds no really special meaning in life.
The trick to finding a good approach to parenting, generally speaking, whether you are more authoritarian or more child-centered, is to know yourself, your own preferences, and your child. The proper amount of kindness, affection, firmness, and consistency, must come from inside you, the parent, and must fit your particular child. When intervening with your children, if you maintain conscious concern for them, you will always be able to make an adequate choice for what to do in any situation. The only time to worry about your choices is when you are feeling stressed or influenced by others, or when you are unable, for any reason, to be thinking of what is best for your children. If you are handling a situation as you think is right, from your heart but with enough thought to demonstrate concern, you will be relatively consistent. And since you truly believe what you are doing is right, firmness will generally not be a problem. If you are staying connected to your child’s feelings in the moment, then the right time to be kind or affectionate will also be obvious.
The most difficult complication of influence arises when you do not agree with your kids' other parent. Disagreements can be handled later, and I strongly suggest that the solution chosen in the moment should simply be safe and cause the least anxiety for the children. With respect to kindness, affection, firmness, and consistency, it should not be a problem for parents who have a good relationship to come to an agreement and then be consistent and firm, as well as kind and affectionate, on agreeable terms. If parents love and/or respect each other, the instinctual commitment to parenting (love) holds plenty of motivation in itself to ensure that your parental decisions come from your true convictions.
Of course, working together to have a consistent approach after a separation can be far more complicated, especially because the same differences that lead to divorce often have specific correlates for the “right” way to parent. In these situations, love for the children must win out. Any disagreement that lasts hurts the children more than any one parenting approach possibly could (unless someone is abusive). Thus, love of the children must lead to compromise on a more or less permanent basis. No matter what each parent thinks is the “right” approach, whether they are parenting in one household or when separated, agreement will lead to consistency, and consistency of approach is the most important attribute for ensuring healthy, balanced children.
Who's to say what the “right” approach to parenting is? No one really knows because different people value different aspects of life or attributes of character. There is not one specific approach that is clearly the best. What comes naturally to you hopefully will help you choose between a more authoritarian or a more child-centered approach, or some other approach in the middle. Whatever choice you make needs to be agreed upon between you and your spouse, or any other individual involved in parenting the children. Even when there has been a separation between parents, hopefully both partners can agree that consistency is best for the children, and thus the approach chosen can be a compromise between the two separated parents. Either way, your approach should be the one you believe will be best for your children. The more natural it is to you, the better. If you understand your own motivations well, and your primary concern is for your children, even when others feel the need to interfere you will have little difficulty following through in your way. Keeping things consistent for your children is of utmost importance and may require you to simply let people know to back off. You need not explain to others why you are doing what you know is right. If you're balanced between kindness, affection, firmness and consistency, your children will know your path and feel good about themselves even as they learn to work hard for what they want and to stand up for what they believe. Who's to say what the “right” approach to parenting is? In a way, there's a simple answer... You.
Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I'm a psychologist and author of two books, one published 10 years ago entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy, and the second not yet published entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health. This second book is currently available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com. This particular article addresses the chasm between two very different parenting styles, and points out the likely outcomes of each. I hope you like it and will comment on your views either way.
by Dr. Dan Bochner
Have you ever wondered why you treat your kids so differently when other people are around? It's a common difficulty in parenting to be influenced by the judgment of others, even when you're confident about how you want to handle your kids. Most of the time this difficulty occurs around the issue of discipline. Maybe you tend to be the kind of parent who likes to let your children have a little freedom, and you find that others seem to suggest, through body language or sideways glances, that your children are getting out of hand. Suddenly, and right out of the blue, you become some wicked and maniacal control freak whom your children hardly recognize. Or perhaps your kids know you always follow through, and you're very careful about what they do. Then your friends or family seem to suggest, through some twisted crack or smarmy witticism, that you're way too “anal.” “Just let kids be kids, for goodness sake,” they say. Suddenly, and right out of the blue, you become some free love flower child that your kids, not surprisingly, are all too eager to meet. While these characterizations might be exaggerations, what is important to know is that consistency of approach, not any one parenting style, is what leads to the best results in raising kids.
The basic problem here is that no one, and I mean no one, really knows for sure what single parenting approach is best for children in the long run. It is much easier to know what is not good than what is good. Extreme beliefs in any direction are definitely not good. What is good boils down to a few basic principles that are necessary to ensure emotional maturation. Each of these differ considerably depending upon the viewpoint of the individual parent. Let’s say that loving your children means providing proper guidance through kindness and affection, balanced by firmness and consistency (please see article, The Essentials of Parenting). If that is so, then how do we know how much kindness and affection to give before becoming firm and making sure we are consistent? Unfortunately, that is a very complicated question. Nevertheless, two basic approaches to parenting can be easily outlined, and the basic strengths and weaknesses of each are easily delineated. One, the authoritarian approach to parenting, balances toward the side of discipline. The other, the child-centered approach to parenting, balances toward the side of kindness and affection.
The authoritarian approach, when properly balanced, will definitely lead to driven children who are quite likely to succeed in very conventional ways. Children from well-balanced authoritarian homes very much want to please their parents as youngsters. Then, as young adults, they typically identify with their parents in becoming extremely moral and responsible, and as full grown adults they are, most of the time, very hardworking. Of course, there are no guarantees, and deciding whether the authoritarian approach is relatively balanced or not often has to do with the particular temperament and personality characteristics of any individual child. When the authoritarian approach is not well-balanced, that is when it is either too harsh and controlling or when it is being employed with a child who naturally tends to look at things in a different way, certain problems are likely to occur. Problems in authoritarian homes often develop from children believing they have to be “perfect” to please their parents when authority is too strict, harsh, or controlling. On the other hand, when a child simply doesn't fit with seeing things as right or wrong, many kinds of depression and anxiety can develop from feeling as though one's specialness is never recognized.
In the more child-centered home, when freedom and discipline are relatively well-balanced, children do feel special and know their worth to their parents. Such children often find the occupations that really suit them and follow their heart in making decisions for their lives. Children from well-balanced child-centered homes work to develop their creative thinking. They tend to see kindness and independent thinking as the most important attributes for any person, and they prize being fair above respect or what others unthinkingly believe to be right or wrong. Of course there are no guarantees in the child-centered approach either. A child's temperament is equally important in deciding goodness of fit within the child-centered home. Many children do want things to be simple and benefit from a clear and concise approach to what will please their parents. Such children don't feel natural in finding their own creative solutions and they can feel alienated in the child-centered home. When the child-centered approach is not well-balanced by proper guidance and discipline, very significant difficulties can arise. Many children from unbalanced child-centered homes feel exceedingly entitled if they receive excessive unearned praise. Often they feel too comfortable in being at their parents' level authority, so they can actually be quite disrespectful. Many children from such homes can also get lost in figuring out who they are or what they are supposed to do. They struggle to find meaningful goals since meaning itself is so important. There is often not enough satisfaction for such children in working hard or a job well-done. Children from child-centered homes also often lack adequate ability to compete because kindness is so highly valued. Sometimes they develop a distaste for competition which further strips them of any desire to “get to the top.” Depression and anxiety can develop in the child from the child-centered home when work seems too hard or when one finds no really special meaning in life.
The trick to finding a good approach to parenting, generally speaking, whether you are more authoritarian or more child-centered, is to know yourself, your own preferences, and your child. The proper amount of kindness, affection, firmness, and consistency, must come from inside you, the parent, and must fit your particular child. When intervening with your children, if you maintain conscious concern for them, you will always be able to make an adequate choice for what to do in any situation. The only time to worry about your choices is when you are feeling stressed or influenced by others, or when you are unable, for any reason, to be thinking of what is best for your children. If you are handling a situation as you think is right, from your heart but with enough thought to demonstrate concern, you will be relatively consistent. And since you truly believe what you are doing is right, firmness will generally not be a problem. If you are staying connected to your child’s feelings in the moment, then the right time to be kind or affectionate will also be obvious.
The most difficult complication of influence arises when you do not agree with your kids' other parent. Disagreements can be handled later, and I strongly suggest that the solution chosen in the moment should simply be safe and cause the least anxiety for the children. With respect to kindness, affection, firmness, and consistency, it should not be a problem for parents who have a good relationship to come to an agreement and then be consistent and firm, as well as kind and affectionate, on agreeable terms. If parents love and/or respect each other, the instinctual commitment to parenting (love) holds plenty of motivation in itself to ensure that your parental decisions come from your true convictions.
Of course, working together to have a consistent approach after a separation can be far more complicated, especially because the same differences that lead to divorce often have specific correlates for the “right” way to parent. In these situations, love for the children must win out. Any disagreement that lasts hurts the children more than any one parenting approach possibly could (unless someone is abusive). Thus, love of the children must lead to compromise on a more or less permanent basis. No matter what each parent thinks is the “right” approach, whether they are parenting in one household or when separated, agreement will lead to consistency, and consistency of approach is the most important attribute for ensuring healthy, balanced children.
Who's to say what the “right” approach to parenting is? No one really knows because different people value different aspects of life or attributes of character. There is not one specific approach that is clearly the best. What comes naturally to you hopefully will help you choose between a more authoritarian or a more child-centered approach, or some other approach in the middle. Whatever choice you make needs to be agreed upon between you and your spouse, or any other individual involved in parenting the children. Even when there has been a separation between parents, hopefully both partners can agree that consistency is best for the children, and thus the approach chosen can be a compromise between the two separated parents. Either way, your approach should be the one you believe will be best for your children. The more natural it is to you, the better. If you understand your own motivations well, and your primary concern is for your children, even when others feel the need to interfere you will have little difficulty following through in your way. Keeping things consistent for your children is of utmost importance and may require you to simply let people know to back off. You need not explain to others why you are doing what you know is right. If you're balanced between kindness, affection, firmness and consistency, your children will know your path and feel good about themselves even as they learn to work hard for what they want and to stand up for what they believe. Who's to say what the “right” approach to parenting is? In a way, there's a simple answer... You.
Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I'm a psychologist and author of two books, one published 10 years ago entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy, and the second not yet published entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health. This second book is currently available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com. This particular article addresses the chasm between two very different parenting styles, and points out the likely outcomes of each. I hope you like it and will comment on your views either way.
