"Why are you so quiet?"

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think it's the best idea to date through the internet, there are many psychos and perverts on the net, just think about it why would a young man try to pick up chicks on the net when it's a lot more simple and natural to go to a bar or some nice place.

Internet dating sites have become increasingly popular among teens and younger adults as well as older adults. I think many people become tired of singles bars and other traditional venues for meeting people, and additionally internet dating sites allow one to "get a feel" for the other person and what interests you and the other person have in common.

I agree with Steve's cautions:

Unregulated venues such as chat rooms where individuals can claim to be anyone without verification, are known for predators to be seeking out vulnerable and shy individuals.

These predators are skilled manipulators who exploit well meaning, innocent admissions by unsuspecting people wanting to make real friendships.

People have been known to lose their life savings, and even their lives not to mention the psychological trauma of betrayal as a result of these internet based liaisons.

That's not to say there are not opportunities to forge real and long lasting friendships through internet encounters, but one must be very cautious and even skeptical when an internet acquaintance wants to meet in person.

A good rule is to not to rush, and if a meeting is to take place, make it in a public place and invite a third person to come along until the stranger's intentions can be evaluated.

That said, I do know of couples who met via internet dating sites and have successful long-term relationships, including marriages, as a result. As Steve says, the key is don't rush and don't allow yourself to be rushed. If that person doesn't think you're worth waiting for, s/he's probably not for you anyway.

 

[Aggress]

I think many people become tired of singles bars and other traditional venues for meeting people, and additionally internet dating sites allow one to "get a feel" for the other person and what interests you and the other person have in common.

hey, i wasn't talking about singles' bars, i meant real bars where you can dance and play games and have fun with other people

internet is good but it can't replace that lol

 

[David Baxter PhD]

hey, i wasn't talking about singles' bars, i meant real bars where you can dance and play games and have fun with other people

internet is good but it can't replace that lol

You're missing my point: Some people don't like going to bars at all, or any other event where there are crowds and typically a lot of noise. Some people prefer a quieter venue, where the focus is on conversation, but that kind of place can be more difficult to meet people.

 

[Aggress]

Some people don't like going to bars at all, or any other event where there are crowds and typically a lot of noise. Some people prefer a quieter venue, where the focus is on conversation

Hmm, that's true, but some poeple do. And Rebecca8 sounds like a young girl. And it's better to test a person in a "real" environment, bec. - let's face it- conversation is what psychopaths are best at

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, an interesting post that may be related:

Is not it ironic...that the people u work with probably have a lot in common with but u cannot date them cause of the "taboo". And that the people you probably have the least in common with are at the bar but people hook up there all the time.

Meeting people to date in bars.....good or bad? - Page 3 - LoveShack.org Community Forums

On the other hand:

You really can't generalize about things like this. I've met some really weird people at religious events and some very kind ones at clubs.

Meeting boys in bars - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hmm, that's true, but some poeple do. And Rebecca8 sounds like a young girl. And it's better to test a person in a "real" environment, bec. - let's face it- conversation is what psychopaths are best at

Perhaps, but that would be true on line as well as in person. I don't think you understand the nature of shyness and social anxiety. What you suggest may work for you but it's like telling a depressed person to just go out and have fun so s/he can feel better... if it were that easy, no one would need antidepressant medications. Similarly, with severe shyness or social anxiety, following your suggestions would likely be very difficult for them.

 

[moonriver]

I agree with David. Rebecca, you sound alot younger than I am, but I for one have never felt comfortable in bars or crowds. Even the thought of having to go to a crowded place where there is dancing and lots of people makes me feel sick. I would totally feel like I was on display and every one was staring at me. Even though I know that makes no sense. Wanting to go and feeling able to go are two entirely different things. I dont see the harm in Rebecca trying to meet people on line if she feels comfortable doing it, you just have to be smart about it of course but better she try that than wait until she is in her thirties like me when it gets even harder. I really should have done something about this a long time ago.

By the way Rebecca, there is a nice book out called the Introvert Advantage, I cant remember who wrote it but its a nice book, you could probably get it at Chapters or something if you dont have it.

 

[rebecca8]

Yeah, bars or clubs really aren't my thing. I feel so self-conscious. Not to mention, I found that many people are trying to act cool, and not really being themselves. Also, most likely, they are drunk. I'm not very comfortable being around people who are drinking too much. Both parents are alcoholics......self explanatory.
So, thanks David for setting Aggress straight. I don't think this person understands. I'm not looking for a date, just some new friends. I've actually felt a little insecure about the fact that it seems many people assume just because I'm young, I should be hanging out at loud bars, and dance clubs, and having fun. It feels like they are saying I'm boring, or something because I don't like that scene. I'll be 26 in a few months, maybe I'm getting too old for it anyway.
Thanks, moonriver, for the book recommendation. I think I saw that title at the library. I'll check it out. If you have time, look up a book called, "The Friendship Crisis." The author talks about how and why it is becoming increasingly difficult to make and keep friends in today's society.
Well, I RSVP'd for a shyness group meetup on Saturday. So far, I think 7 people are going, and it's at this cafe that I've heard of before. I'll let you all know how it goes.

 

[Daniel E.]

..."The Friendship Crisis." The author talks about how and why it is becoming increasingly difficult to make and keep friends in today's society.

Although the book is directed towards women, my favorite quote from the book (from what I could preview for free):

If there's any secret to social success it's this: the people we like best are the ones who are interested in us. (pg. 95)

Amazon.com: The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore: Books: Marla Paul

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If there's any secret to social success it's this: the people we like best are the ones who are interested in us. (pg. 95)

That is a great quote. I often suggest to people who are shy and have trouble thinking of things to talk about in social settings that asking questions is usually a good way to get going... general questions about the other person (e.g., are you originally from Ottawa?). Most people are happy to talk about themselves as long as you don't get too personal and typically they'll reciprocate (how about you? did you grow up here? what schools did you go to?) and before you know it you have a small conversation going.

 

[ShyLady]

.......

Anyway, I think the compulsion to ask "why" is to do with them feeling awkward or frustrated.
1) They don't feel good about leaving you out of a discussion - perhaps you don't like the topic, *change of topic* nope, still not talking, *give you a choice of topic* nope... okay, why?
2) They're trying to keep a conversation going - after receiving a number of fairly repetitive, short responses to questions (How are you? Ok, yourself? ...What did you do on the weekend? Not much, you? ...Did you watch ___ last night? Yep. What did you think of it? It was okay. etc.) they begin to wonder why they're having so much trouble and having to keep thinking of things to say. (This may be a fairly unusual position for them to be in, so we have to be nice. ) They may reason that this difficulty isn't something that they're doing wrong (after all, they're usually such successful speakers) but is instead something to do with you. And the best way to find information is to ask for it, so why indeed are you foiling my plan to have a conversation?

I always think those who are so loud most of the time, and start being very quiet when I'm alone with them, all of a sudden, are needing to be entertained by me.

I have so much trouble talking to anyone. My oldest daughter, whos 20 and very talkative, always tells people, about me, "She's shy, she just smiles all the time", it makes me so embarrased. I just give her a hard look, to warn her to be quiet about me.

I used to be asked this almost daily. Awesome fun.
Alternatively, it becomes a statement - "You're being really quiet." For some reason, they then want a response to their statement... "Yes, I am. How very observant of you," doesn't quite cut it (after all, eight words is far above the average of two, and may no longer fit the definition of "quiet".)
"Would you rather I be louder?"
After some people asked, I used to repeatedly bounce a ball in my hand just above the table, so it would make one of those noises that people get irritated by. Then they couldn't say I was being quiet! :tapfingers: (Probably not the best idea )
To top it all off, my friends were speaking in Cantonese for the majority of the time, so I didn't have a clue what they were saying. I'm guessing it got to the stage where they were like, "Oh well, she's not going to say anything anyway, let's just speak in a language we're more comfortable with." ... and then one of them still wonders why I'm quiet??? Sheesh.

Anyway, I think the compulsion to ask "why" is to do with them feeling awkward or frustrated.
1) They don't feel good about leaving you out of a discussion - perhaps you don't like the topic, *change of topic* nope, still not talking, *give you a choice of topic* nope... okay, why?
2) They're trying to keep a conversation going - after receiving a number of fairly repetitive, short responses to questions (How are you? Ok, yourself? ...What did you do on the weekend? Not much, you? ...Did you watch ___ last night? Yep. What did you think of it? It was okay. etc.) they begin to wonder why they're having so much trouble and having to keep thinking of things to say. (This may be a fairly unusual position for them to be in, so we have to be nice. ) They may reason that this difficulty isn't something that they're doing wrong (after all, they're usually such successful speakers) but is instead something to do with you. And the best way to find information is to ask for it, so why indeed are you foiling my plan to have a conversation?

Hmm, that's true, but some poeple do. And Rebecca8 sounds like a young girl. And it's better to test a person in a "real" environment, bec. - let's face it- conversation is what psychopaths are best at

Women, children have been killed meeting people in "REAL" places to you know?! I met a man once. We had been chating and emailing with each other, and he was the kinda man who wanted to rush and meet me. He tried talking to me in a way where he seemed to be encourageing me to meet him. Telling me that if i didn't just get out and meet somebody that I'd never do it. So I decided he was right and went to meet him in a very public mall resturant. We decided after we ate to go to the river walkway and I drove my own car to the place and met him there. We didn't get to walk on any of the more private places in the park, because they were having construction work done around the places where we tried to go. Which I'm glad now of that. So we had to stay in the more populated area till it was time for him to go. And we went our seperate ways. Later he tried to get me to go on another date, but I was too scared to go agin. I had had fun with him as a first date ever kinda thing, and felt like a teenager again, but I had not talked to him much. I wondered why he kept trying to get me to go out with him again so fast. I didn't think I was that great looking and my self-esteem was terrible. Besides I wanted to go more slower online where I was truely looking for friendship at and where I feel more comfortable. He didn't want to be friends that way, though. He said he had already wasted 6 months on me online already. So that made me even more nervouse so I went deeper into my shell with him. He finnaly stopped emailing me.