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LoneBird

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Hello,

I have a question that I just don't understand or how I can stop what keeps happening from continuing.

I was sexually abused as a child by a male teenager, then later at 14, by someone's father.

I don't know what it is called, but I am sure it is some form of sexual abuse.

My own father since childhood spoke to my sister and I very sexually along with very explicit dirty jokes and still does even though I constantly complain about it and rarely visit him because of it, a very distant relationship. I have decided I am not going to speak to him again since everytime I speak with him his dirty words makes me feel so bad for so long afterwards.

Anyway...my question is, all my life, I keep attracting men who are predators in my life. They don't take NO for an answer, I have been "date" raped several times. I have had many men "Flash" me out of the blue. I have had men at several jobs grab me sexually (4 or 5 different ones) I have had male friends who I have made very clear "just friends, please don't touch, etc." who later corner me and touch me sexually (just recently in fact) etc., etc, etc,. They just don't hear my word NO. It has always just fallen on deaf ears. :confused: Now I have to end yet another friendship because of it, and again, I'm alone. No I didn't press charges on any of them, looking back I should have and if it ever happens again I WILL, I pray that it won't but being this magnet it seem inevitable, how can I stop it?

Why am I a magnet to these types of men. I would really like to know how I can change this, or why this is keeps happening. :yuk:

I feel that I have good self esteem. I feel that I deserve a good, loving man, I am a good and loving woman...and I have always prayed for that, but have given up...I have never had the good fortune of being with one and I have lost hope of ever having a good, decent man love me, so I figure I have to settle on being alone the rest of my life. I basically have been alone my whole life anyway, except for these perverts I keep attracting.

What do I need to do to keep these types far from me? Why do I keep getting sexually abused/harrassed/molested even into adulthood instead of loved?

Is there a thread or post here at the forum dealing with this issue?

Any advise would be very appreciated. :)
Thank you,
LoneBird
 
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hello lonebird, first of all, welcome to the forum :)

i'm not sure why this keeps happening to you. the only thing i can think of is that at an unconscious level these types of men are familiar to you, so those are the types of men that you seem to end up with. also they may sense from your body language that you are vulnerable in that way.

when you look at the types of partners people tend to choose, they typically at some level are familiar and remind people of their parents in one way or another. it may not be obvious but it is there.

have you ever taken any kind of assertiveness training?

you say you feel you have good self-esteem. i imagine that this kind of abuse would really affect your self-esteem. i am wondering if maybe it's not as high as you think. if so, it would be beneficial to you to get some help in that area. a person's self-esteem shows through their body language, and you may be sending signals to these men that you're a "good" target for them.
 

ThatLady

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A couple of questions for you, Lone Bird: How old are you? Where do you meet these men? Do you agree to go out with them the first time they ask? Are you openly friendly immediately, or do you keep a bit of reserve on first meeting? Do you have female friends with you when you meet these guys?

All those questions might give us some clues as to what to advise you. It sounds like, somehow, you're either coming off as approachable and willing (this is probably not your fault!), or you're meeting men who aren't exactly sterling examples of mature manhood. If we know a little bit more about how things get started, it might give us some clues as to how you can put a stop to this sort of garbage. :hug:
 

LoneBird

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Thank you for your replies :)

Ohhh I just wrote a detailed post and it timed out and it got lost so I will try to remember it all and re-write it.

A couple of questions for you, Lone Bird: How old are you? Where do you meet these men? Do you agree to go out with them the first time they ask? Are you openly friendly immediately, or do you keep a bit of reserve on first meeting? Do you have female friends with you when you meet these guys?

I am 44, I met these men at jobs who touched and grabbed me at work, and others I met just at the mechanics, or the store, or at my apartment building, a few of them. I did agree to go out with them the first time they asked if I liked them and was open and friendly as this was my natural personality with everyone.

No I did not have female friends when I met guys, I have never had any female friends even though I have always tried to make friends with girls/women, it never happens, even as a kid, women just don't seem to like me for some reason. I would like to have female friends very much.

Maybe I don't have the high self esteem that I think I do as I think about it more. I have always been the one sitting alone at the end of the row, with a few seats next to me empty. I am the opposite of a social butterfly. I rarely get out, just to do errands. I am just not chronically depressed (could be the meds) and I have, or did, have a good outlook on life (could be the meds again).

As for body language, I act only as a lady, I sit and walk like a lady, I fold my hand in my lap. I dress very conservatively and always have, except for summer shorts, perhaps. I have had chronic back and neck pain for 20 years which makes me walk stifly and when I stand, sometime I have to have my hand supporting my lower back, which would look like I have attitude I would think. I am friendly and smile and greet everyone with a friendly smile and a rare hello.

As for assertiveness, I am very assertive, I have never had a problem saying no, or asking for what I want or need from anyone.

I did counseling therapy for 2 years based on child abuse, 1-2 times per week sometimes lasting 2 hours each session. I attended group sessions 2 times a week 3 hours per session 2 times a week for 2 months.

I attended a group session at a church last year for survivors that wasn't very productive, this one did not last long.

I read self help books that I find helpful, I like Joyce Meyer books and I love to watch her program, she is an adult survivor.

The last incident was my next door neighbor who I was very reserved with and didn't talk to for about a year, just a hello now and then. When the summer started I started to talk with him and we became friends. I made it very clear that I was not interested in him romantically and had NO interested in him. As we were watching a movie he starting touching me sexually, STOP IT! I said never do that again, he agreed. Then he did it again a month later. First time shame on him, second time shame on me I guess. I should have never associated with him after the first time. He didn't respect my boundries.

There is more but cannot remember what I wrote in my original post, if I remember I will post it.

Thank you very much for your help :)

LoneBird
 

LoneBird

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P.S.

If this information helps at all.

I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, this is the group sessions that I attended for 2 months, 3 hours per day, 2 times a week, it was DBT classes.

I wonder if the BPD symptom of "lacking in judgement" is the reason why this keeps happening to me. I just can't think of any other explaination. I don't seem to have the naturally built in "radar" to detect when someone is going to harm me. But it doesn't matter because it would have happened anyway, I think.

Could this be the reason? If so, I guess I'm doomed to having it keep happening until my dying day because I know I'm as recovered as I'm ever going to get with BPD because I could never afford any further treatment...

Yet I still don't see how I have done anything to have attracted these occurrances over and over and over again in my life. I'm not the approacher, or initiate anything, I just magnatize them somehow and wonder why.

P.S. The diagnosed BPD is mild now, 95% of the time. If at all noticable. Before therapy, I was most of the time, emotionally a wreck, and could barely function.

Any Ideas, advice?

LoneBird
 

ThatLady

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You've mentioned meds. What kind of meds are you on now and who prescribes them for you?

It sounds to me like you could use some good friends, girl! I'm wondering if, perhaps, you could get involved in something where you could meet other women looking for friendships and someone to hang out with. Volunteering at a hospital is a good place to meet this kind of people, as is helping out at the library, or at a school. I think, if you had some female friends to go out and have fun with, they would act as a buffer for you and you could learn by watching them what to do to prevent this sort of thing from happening. :)
 

LoneBird

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You've mentioned meds. What kind of meds are you on now and who prescribes them for you?

It sounds to me like you could use some good friends, girl! I'm wondering if, perhaps, you could get involved in something where you could meet other women looking for friendships and someone to hang out with. Volunteering at a hospital is a good place to meet this kind of people, as is helping out at the library, or at a school. I think, if you had some female friends to go out and have fun with, they would act as a buffer for you and you could learn by watching them what to do to prevent this sort of thing from happening. :)


Hi ThatLady,

My Medical Dr. prescribes Luvox and Topamx and Klonopin, an anti-depressant/ODC medication and a mood stabalizer and an anti-anxiety.

That is excellent advise, and surely that would help me a great deal, I really am alone most of the time and for many many years. Although I have tried many times to get involved in functions with women i.e. bible studies, church functions in the past. I always felt uncomfortable and well, just unwelcome and felt they had their click going and I was still alone and just stopped attending.

I just recently volunteered with helping wildlife with other women and they were not looking to be my friend, I was seeking their friendship, when I reached out, they backed off, it got personally very stressful for me so I quit. I'm going back JUST FOR THE ANIMALS soon.

I will definately look into volunteering in other areas where it is female based where I can meet other women to make friends with. I do believe this would help me a great deal. I hope this time around of trying, I won't feel so uncomfortable or unwelcome in my attempt to make friends.

Thank you so much for this advice, I truly appreciate it :)
 

ThatLady

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Hi ThatLady,

My Medical Dr. prescribes Luvox and Topamx and Klonopin, an anti-depressant/ODC medication and a mood stabalizer and an anti-anxiety.

That is excellent advise, and surely that would help me a great deal, I really am alone most of the time and for many many years. Although I have tried many times to get involved in functions with women i.e. bible studies, church functions in the past. I always felt uncomfortable and well, just unwelcome and felt they had their click going and I was still alone and just stopped attending.

I just recently volunteered with helping wildlife with other women and they were not looking to be my friend, I was seeking their friendship, when I reached out, they backed off, it got personally very stressful for me so I quit. I'm going back JUST FOR THE ANIMALS soon.

I will definately look into volunteering in other areas where it is female based where I can meet other women to make friends with. I do believe this would help me a great deal. I hope this time around of trying, I won't feel so uncomfortable or unwelcome in my attempt to make friends.

Thank you so much for this advice, I truly appreciate it :)

That's the ticket, Lone Bird! I really think if you'll learn to think of yourself as someone people want to know and be around, you'll find it easier to make friends. It's sometimes kinda difficult to find that happy medium between trying too hard and not trying hard enough. Yet, if you keep practicing, you'll learn. Also, in almost any good sized group of women, there's someone with a heart big enough to recognize the one who needs a friend. Just put it out there, Lone Bird. Someone will pick it up. :hug:

As I think about it, there's another really good place you could volunteer, and there are people there who need friends just as badly as you do. Try a nursing home, or assisted living, or even a hospital. Believe me, there you will find those who need you just as much as you need them. :)
 

LoneBird

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Thanks Lady,

I feel the dark cloud is lifting :dimples: HOPE

I will PM you and let you know how things go if you would like. I've been looking through my phone book for volunteering positions since you suggested it. :D

Happy Bird
 

ThatLady

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Absolutely keep us informed! I'm very interested in what you find out, and will be glad to hear you've found something that fits you. For me, giving of myself to others has always been the best way out of the doldrums. I just feel better when I can feel I'm doing something for someone. I think you'll find that volunteer work gives you that feeling of being important and connected. It's a really great feeling!

Stay with us, Lone Bird, and keep talking. There are many here who can identify with the problems you're having, and have had, and there's a lot of good advice amongst our little group. Welcome aboard! :group hug:
 

LoneBird

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Thank you Lady,

I will keep you informed. Thank you for making me feel welcome and thank you for your advice too.

I'm still confused as to why the abuse keeps happening though if someone has a clue, I would appreciate an opinion. I would really like it to stop, or how I can get it from ever happening again.

I don't believe I have a victim mentality. When I was in counseling with my Super Counseler, on my last session, she fired me...she said "your healed, fly away!" Then offered me a job at the center WOW! to teach women who have or are experiencing violence/abuse in their life. How to get out of the situation, where to go to get help, where the shelters are, and how to defend yourself (I have martial arts training, I learned while I was going through counseling) My job would have would have been to teach basic techniques to stop the attacker with these techniques in a room with a padded floor with videos and pamphlets. But, after my application process and everything, they downsized and I didn't get the opportunity. :(

So again, I don't walk around with victim/hurt me on my forehead, so, why do these men continue to stake me out? Is it at a cellular level :confused:
I look, talk, and act like a very strong, yet feminine woman.

Still looking for answers...

P.S. Is there a link/thread I can read that deals with unable to forgive you Mother, I have serious issues in this area as she was also an abuser in the area of invalidation, neglect and other things my whole life, and still does, how to forgive/not hate her and deal with it? One of my homework projects at counseling was "eliminate you mother from you life entirely" but I could never do it, she has a "hold" on me.

Cutting her out of my life won't solve the problem, I will still feel this way. I don't want to continue to feel hatred toward her, it only hurts me to feel that way. I know it sounds really bad on my part, but, there are whole valid life long reasons behind it. All my brother's and sisters feel the same as I do, one brother has always wanted to even kill her and talked about it :eek: What a lovely functional family I have I do :rolleyes:

Lone Bird/Confused Bird
 

just mary

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Hi Lonebird and welcome to the forum, it's nice to have you here.

I think TL had some really good advice, specifically to do with finding more women friends. I'm in the same position, I'm looking to find some female friends but I'm having a hard time. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's just getting older?? But TL is right, we just have to keep on trying.

I'm not sure what type of advice to give regarding men, other than - try to visit with them in a public/group setting, don't be alone with them, until you're comfortable and ready.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that we're listening and to keep posting. :)

Take care,

jm
 

ThatLady

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One way to stop such behavior is to be sure you're not alone, as Mary suggests. Another is to report when it happens. If it's at work, tell your boss or your Human Resources department representative. If it's at the perpetrator's place of business, tell HIS boss. Do it immediately. No excuses. No explanations. Report it immediately to someone in a position of authority. If someone touches you without your permission, you have every right to complain loud and long - to the police, if necessary.

As to how to deal with your mother, I think the best thing to do is to get away from her when she starts in with something that's hurtful to you. If you're on the phone, hang up. If you're at her home, leave. If she's at your home, tell her to leave. Explain that you won't tolerate any more mistreatment, and MEAN IT! If you're strong and consistent, she'll either get the message and stop the nonsense, or she won't. If she doesn't, it may become necessary to cut her out of your life. She doesn't really have any hold on you that you don't allow her to have. You have to reach inside yourself and realize that. :hug:
 

Halo

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Hi Lonebird,

I also wanted to say welcome to the forum and I am glad that you have gotten to talking with TL because she has some good advice to offer.

I know in your last post you asked about forgiveness and your mother and this is a thread that I found that may help. I will keep looking and if I find anymore I will post them for you.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=5010&highlight=Forgiveness

Take care
 

LoneBird

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Thank you Mary, TL and Nancy for being so warm and thoughtful :)

TL, If anything happens again, you can be sure I will report it, DEFINATELY. I don't know why I didn't in the past, scared I guess.

One of the times when It happened at work, was right in front of my boss, the perpetrator was our business manager and I was sitting in my chair in my office, my boss was talking to someone right in front of my door and the guy just walked right in and came up behind me without a word and stuck his hand down my turtle neck shirt and grabbed my breast, just like that, my boss saw this and he walked switfly away, like he didn't see it, less than 2 months later I was layed off.

I'm sure he was scared I was going to do a sexual harrassment charge, MILLIONS I would have won. I was an Engineering Technician at an Aerospace Company, I'm sure that was the reason.

Anyway, I sure will read that link you provided Nancy.

You guys are being so supportive and I really appreciate it :)

LoneBird
 
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hi lonebird, you do sound like a confident woman so it is a mystery to me why this keeps happening. bad luck? i hope things turn around for you. too bad you didn't sue at the time; i wonder if it's too late to still do so?
 
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ps - i am still stunned at the audacity of this man sticking his hand down your shirt!! i suppose that is the problem.. you just don't expect someone to have the nerve to do something like that, so when it happens, you just don't know how to respond. :(
 

LoneBird

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Hi BaseBallCap,

Thanks for your reply and empathy,

That incident happened about 18 years ago, and was not the only incident like it, other men did similiar things during my job there and other jobs. Like, walking up the stairs a guy would just pinch my butt :eek: WHAT! I would just say, HEY! :mad: and keep walking.

Another guy, my office mate at the time, just decided to grab my boobs from behind me without warning one day, WHAT! I just left the office for a while and told a co-worker, and never said a word to the guy about it. (I'm even on the small side in the bust area, and just above average looking, so I don't get it)

I asked to be transfered to my own private office without explaination and my boss approved it, I think he knew. It was only a couple of weeks later that I got my lay off notice. Later I kept in contact with a friend their for months and nobody else ever got layed off, I'm sure the management was thinking I was going to do a sexual harrassment suit against these incidenses. After 18 years, I'm sure it is too late, I wish it weren't because I am strong enough to do it now and I would use all the money to build a huge abuse/help center for women and children too.

A couple of times this happenis to a woman is bad luck but countless times and in different jobs and situations? I don't know what's going on :confused:

In a compleletly different job, my boss actually came over to my house and JUST WALKED IN the door (it wasn'n't locked because I was in and out taking out trash) I had called in sick that day, WHAT! I never went back to that job. What boss comes over to your house and just walks in after you have called in sick? For what purpose? I had to pretend I was going to vomit all over him to get him out of there. :D

Here's a whopper! I moved 1,000 miles away and my landlord from my old apartment actually drove to my new apartment (followed me here, knew my new address for my security deposit refund) and knocked on my door, I opened it, saw the look in eyes then went to close the door and he stuck his arm between the door and I smashed his arm in the door and told him to LEAVE! YEP! I called his wife and told him about it, she was so very sorry and thought he was "gone fishin'" I was later told he picked up on 2 women and they got him drunk at his motel and they robbed him :) and he coudn't get back home...serves him right.

There are countless incidences like this, men peeping through my window late at night, me caling 911, men slashing my locked screen door to break in my door to evidently "get at me", men trying to break through my window, all different men. Some I knew who they were, some I didn't. 911 knows me over the years, and it's not funny.

I just want to be a female monk in a monestary, I swear, I can be safe there. There actually is one not far from where I live, and I have checked it out. :)

Thanks for "listening" it feels so good to let this all out. Very cleansing. If I wrote out ALL the incidences that I could remember it would be pages and pages and days to write. I'm not kidding.

LoneBird
 

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