Why I hate my mother

[Kayty]

I have been holding all this hate towards my mother and I dont exactly know why. Whenever she walks in the room it make me pissed off and upset. Today I was talking about it with amy and trying to figure out some reasons but I dont have any memories of before my father died so im not exactly positive. I have come up with a few things but not the major reason but I just thought of something that really upset's me. When I was about 8 or 9 I was argueing with my mother (I dont remember why) and I toofk a knife out of the kitchen draw and put it up to my heart and said I was going to kill my self and my mother said go ahead do it. She claimed afterwards that she knew I wouldnt do it but what if I did. What kind of mother would say something like that. Any normal mother would be worried and want to get there child help. Err this makes me so upset.

Kayty

 

[braveheart]

I hear you, Kayty.

I hear how much you need your emotional pain to be heard, seen, validated.

Of course what your mum said would make you upset. You were upset already, and that just compounded it.

 

[ThatLady]

I can certainly understand your pain, Kayty. Parents are very imperfect creatures, just like all humans. Sometimes, they do or say things that are very hurtful, and that hurt can last for years. Sometimes, it's because the person is just a truly rotten parent. Other times, though, it's because they're having a bad day, or they make a mistake, or they get carried away with their own emotions.

I guess one way to look at the incident you mention is to think about yourself. Have you ever said something you later regretted having said? I know I have. I've said things in anger that I'd give almost anything to take back. However, those things are part of my past. I can't erase them. The only thing I can do is try to do better today, and tomorrow, and on down the line.

Have you talked to your mother about your feelings concerning this issue? Perhaps, if you could talk it out some of the pain would be relieved.

Hugs to you, Kayty. I'm so sorry this has injured you so deeply. :hug:

 

[Halo]

I think that TL has made some great points and I know that I have definitely said things that I regret and wished that I could take back. I would also wondering whether you have ever brought it up to your mother about what she said? If not, maybe it would be a good idea to get her perspective on it and see what she recalls. I know that no matter what she says it won't take away the hurt that you feel but it might lessen it a bit. Just a suggestion.

Please take care

 

[texasgirl]

Kayty: When I was first admitted to a psych hospital many years ago, my mother told my psychiatrist that I would be better off dead than leaving my husband (who was very abusive to me). It took me years to be able to even ask her what she meant by that - and it stuck with me as the ultimate horrible thing that a mother could say about her own child. I finally confronted her with it, and she said that she was just so frightened for me being alone and so sick that she just blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. Not much of an excuse, but it was better than having me think that she really wanted me dead all these years (which is what I thought). But for years I carried that with me that that's what she wanted. It does help sometimes to get up the courage to ask...even though the answer is sometimes less than what we really want.

 

[Retired]

What kind of mother would say something like that. Any normal mother would be worried and want to get there child help

Perhaps a mother under stress herself, possibly trying to deal with some major life issues of her own. Perhaps your mother was at her wit's end, and overwhelmed with anxiety and made her comments out of desperation.

Parents {people} do and say things based on their knowledge and understanding of a situation. Sometimes one's knowledge and understanding is compromised due to limited education or emotional stress.

The words that come out of peoples' mouths when they are under enormous stress don't necessarily reflect their true feelings, so it may be worth reconsidering your own feelings toward your mother despite the terrible things she may have said.

Is your mother still living and do you have contact with her?

 

[Kayty]

The thing is that isnt the only thing. She was never there whenI was a child. I was pretty much raised by my father, my aunt and my grandmother. Also my mother has slammed my hed into a car before and tried to push me down the stairs but I got away so she grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed. She would never hit me now though because she know's I wouldnt have it. Im not sure about other thing's she has done but im working on bringing back memories. I dont really have memories from before my father died. Yes I do have contact with my mother. I live with her (Im only 15), but I dont like talking to her it makes me uncomfortable.

Kayty

 

[Kanadiana]

Hi Kayty,

It sure sounds like you have a lot of memories of the times when your Mom has literally failed you. I can't think of any times more intensive than what happens between parents and kids when one or both have maxed out on coping skills and the words and actions fly in the heat of angers and frustrations (and fears). I know my youngest daughter and I went through a lot of really negative stuff when she was going through her teens, as I did with my own Mom when I was in my teens. None of us are perfect, but that doesn't resolve or condone any of the past words and actions that were wrong.

Like you, I couldn't stand to be near my Mom and it got so bad that everything she said and did I was just angry with her all the time. Just the sight of her was enough to put me in a negative mood My daughter felt the same about me for some time and our relationship now is good. We can talk about all that "old stuff" Today we're cool, but that "old stuff" can still get in our way occassionally. What brings us out of it is talking openly about how we're thinking and feeling, knowing we both love each other to pieces. But she's 23 now, and I'm 52. There was a time we both feared we'd "lost each other" forever and would never feel 'close" again. Well ... as I said, we got through it, as I figure you and your Mom can and will too. The history may have a lot of negatives stuff, but from today forward, maybe things can be greatly improved between you two.

I wonder, are you and your Mom into maybe trying some counselling together to try and understand each other better and work towards a better connection right now? Counselling with a neutral outsider can sometimes help a whole bunch to understand each other better and have a better relationship. It has to be tough when you still live together and those things are in the way.

It sounds like your Mom loses control sometimes and that ain't good either. I'm sorry to hear that she's lost it so much in the past that she's hurt you. That ain't good at all. If she still loses control maybe she will consider getting some counselling of her own to sort out some of her own stuff so she can learn to get on top of this.

Meanwhile, I hope talking in here is helping you somehow.

Stay strong and cool, and keep doing what you need to do for yourself.

K.

 

[ThatLady]

There's something here that's confusing me a little, Kayty. You say you have no memories from before your father's death. Yet, you say your mother wasn't around when you were a child and that you were raised by your father, aunt and grandmother. Is that what you've been told? If so, by whom?

If your mother has hurt you physically, as you describe, she definitely needs some help! She's got anger issues, obviously. Fortunately, she doesn't hit you anymore, but I agree with Kanadiana. If the two of you can talk it out, perhaps you can agree to get some therapy together. That would benefit both of you, both from an individual and a relationship standpoint.

 

[Halo]

I just want to echo what both Kanadiana and TL said about maybe having some therapy together to try and rebuild the relationship. I know for me when I was 15 there was no way in ..... that I wanted a relationship with either of my parents. The farther away I got from them the better. It wasn't until I was about 19 or 20 that things changed and we were finally able to communciate and appreciate one other for human beings and adults rather than child and parent. I think that just the fact of being 15 is difficult enough without the fact that you have a lot of anger at your mother and rightly so after the way she has treated you.

Again, counselling might be good for both you and her so that the relationship is not strained forever.

Take care

 

[Kayty]

Thanx for your reply's and Im not sure about counceling with her. I dont like to tlak about things infront of her. As for the memories I remember being there all the time but I dont remember details. Like I dont have memories of spacific incidents (except maybe 2). Also my mother told me that at one point she was working so much that I told her I forgot what she looked like. I dont know I dont even think I want a relationship I just want closure. I want to remember more of my childhood.

Kayty