Why not me???

[itsonlyme]

Hi.
I have a strange situation. I was FRIENDS with a married man for over 7 years. We bacame close and he started making comments about getting divorced and wanting to be with me. I tried on numberous occasions to 'cut ties' with him but he only persisted with the comments and promises. I finally caved in and fell deeply in love with him. He separated from his wife in June and I just found out that he moved in with ANOTHER woman. I don't understand how someone could do this and I feel so foolish to have fallen for his lies. Now I'm wondering what is wrong with me??? What could make him want to do this to me after all these years and promises?? It's like something from a movie and I'm so hurt by it all. I don't know if I can get past this one. I feel so ugly, unwanted, used...STUPID!!!! I don't have the words to describe the thoughts going through my mind except that something must be terribly wrong with me. What should I do???

 

[industrial_girl_2000]

Husbands trying to fulfill themselves with "the other w

Hi itsonlyme,

I read your post and I just wanted to reach out to you. I was married for 3.5 yrs (together for almost 6 yrs) to a man who eventually left me for someone else (he was seeing her the same time he was married to me). At first, you feel angry after this man runs out on you with someone else. I know I was angry after my separation from my husband and the fact that I had to uproot my life, but realized that I had to get on with my life. The good thing is that I have a good job, wonderful friends, and several hobbies which keep me very fulfilled (and busy!). So these items were like therapy to me. I used all these things to help "occupy" my time so I wasn't thinking of him. 1 yr of separation+1 yr after the divorce (2 yrs total), I have moved on and started dating again and emotionally I am happy again. However, I didn't respond to your post to let you know how well I am doing, I wanted to let you know what is going on in my ex-hubby's life (and the fact that there is life after a breakup!). I am not a psychologist and these opinions are purely my own (based on experience), but I hope I can share something with you that will help you feel better about the whole situation.

It dawned on me that men cheat on their wives when they feel somehow unfulfilled at home. They get part of the emotional fulfillment from their wife, and the rest from "the other woman." The cheating relationship only works if the person is still married. If the cheating spouse eventually leaves his wife for "the other woman", then he is concentrating 100% of his effort on his new girlfriend. Now all of a sudden that "new girlfriend" has become old hat, and he has to move on to some other "exciting" brand new person. And so on. Apparently, the guy you fell in love with just needed the excitement of discovering a new person and while he was married, you provided this for him. Then, he found a new thrill with someone else according to your post.

To prevent this from happening in the future, concentrate your love on someone who actually loves you. A husband is incapable of loving you in the way he loves his wife. And if a man leaves his wife for you, can you really trust him? Once you are his wife, then he could very easily cheat on you with someone else. This would be a very bad situation, especially if you had kids with him. Take good care of yourself. You deserve so much better!

In the short term after the breakup, don't date for a while. Don't talk to him or take his calls. Take yourself out to the movies, or to the mall, or take up a nice hobby that you can do without the pressure of dating someone. Take a girlfriend (that's what we are here for, afterall) and maybe try something new or go for a makeover! Join a regular exercise class to stay in shape and remember to eat healthy so you look good (look good, and you will also FEEL good too). Enjoy YOU. Remember you are a fabulous girl and you don't deserve anything but the best. In time you will draw good men to you without even trying. Good men respect women who have fulfilled lives! And if they are married, don't even let a friendship like the last one start up! Married men need to concentrate their main emotional efforts on their wives. Start up friendships with single men or men who have already been divorced for a while, and take it as a friendship rather than a dating thing. Let things develop s....l....o....w....l....y. Life is not a race!

Take care!
K.
PS: my ex-hubby broke up with the woman he left me for 6 months after we separated. I still won't take him back. I have moved on and now love my life. So should you! All the best to you!