David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Why "Open" Marriages Don't Work
by Anne Rettenberg, LCSW, Psychology Today
August 26, 2011
Jealousy is as old and as powerful as sex.
The number one issue that brings couples to my office is infidelity. In my experience, infidelity usually, although not always, destroys the relationship. In a few cases, I've seen people develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from a spouse's infidelity. Yet there are people who want to believe that monogamy is unnatural, or impossible for them as individuals. Some attempt for themselves (or promote to others) the idea of an "open marriage". There are some (in my opinion rather obvious) reasons why ultimately, an "open" marriage almost never works.
First, let's look at who promotes the idea of "open marriage." One of the male bloggers on this site wrote a book promoting the idea that infidelity is "natural" (a meaningless word--aggression and eating high-fat foods are natural behaviors, yet indulging in them is destructive). Here's a quote from the introduction to his book:
"There's good reason marriage is often depicted and mourned as the beginning of the end of a man's sexual life. And women fare no better. Who wants to share her life with a man who feels trapped and diminished by his love for her, whose honor marks the limits of his freedom? Who wants to spend her life apologizing for being just one woman?"1
Hmm, does that sound sexist to you too? The author actually seems to be promoting a double standard. And I haven't known any women who felt they had to "apologize" to their partners for "being just one woman".
Nor have I known men who've felt "diminished" by loving one woman. I have, however, known people who've struggled with fidelity. In counseling, a variety of reasons for this struggle come out: Marriage at too young an age, difficulties with emotional intimacy (often due to an abusive childhood) or an inability to directly confront problems in a relationship. There may also be some people who are more biologically wired than others to be promiscuous, just as there are people who seem to be biologically wired for addiction. No professional counselor I know would tell someone wired for addiction that he should just follow his natural urges and drink when the feeling comes to him, and I don't tell people who seem to be more wired for sex with multiple partners than others that this behavior is inevitable.
People who desire open marriages often don't think about how they would feel knowing their partner is sleeping with someone else. A few years ago, a male patient told me he was contemplating discussing the idea of an "open" marriage with his wife. He didn't think monogamy was possible for him. Not long after, he found out his wife was having an affair. He was devastated. "I can't believe I was thinking we could have an open marriage!" he said to me in session. He had forgotten that jealousy is as old and often as powerful as sex.
Some couples engage in threesomes; I don't consider this behavior part of an "open" marriage, a term that connotes that each member of the couple has sex with whoever they want outside of the relationship. A threesome is group sex within the relationship; I don't see it as infidelity because it's a shared activity. It can also lead to problems, however, if occasional threesomes become a triadic relationship. It's hard to live in a stable triad because humans are wired for pair relationships. As babies, we feel a merger with our primary caretaker, a feeling that relieves the anxiety of our dependency. As adults, we still find comfort in a pair relationship that reminds us of this merger. We want to feel special to another person. If we hadn't been special to our primary caretakers when we were babies, they could have literally discarded us, and we would have died. As adults, feeling special to someone is still comforting.
The reason an open relationship almost never works is because people who enter a serious relationship are people who are capable of attachment. They might tell themselves that because they have a special relationship with one person, it's "just sex" when they have sex with someone else. They forget that their initial attraction to their spouse/partner was probably mostly sexual. It doesn't occur to them that as they and their partner are having sex with other people, inevitably feelings will result. Eventually, one or both of them will find themselves falling in love with a "just sex" partner.
There are some people who aren't capable of attachment. These people don't worry about monogamy or fidelity. In some cases these people aren't sexual (although often they are). When they aren't sexual, they sometimes fit into a diagnostic category called Schizoid Personality Disorder. When they are sexual, they are often psychopaths. The reasons why some people develop these disorders are not completely known, but like most disorders they probably stem from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. People who are capable of attachment (love) can't shut off this capability and operate only on a biological sexual impulse at will. Cupid's arrow often strikes when least expected. People who attempt "open" relationships end up with multiple attachments, confusion, and/or jealousy.
In many cases an "open" relationship is an attempt to avoid problems in a relationship instead of openly discussing or dealing with them. A better option to an "open" relationship is a frank discussion with your partner about your differences and how to manage them within the relationship. That would be a different kind of "openness," and a healthier one.
1Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, Harper Collins 2010.
by Anne Rettenberg, LCSW, Psychology Today
August 26, 2011
Jealousy is as old and as powerful as sex.
The number one issue that brings couples to my office is infidelity. In my experience, infidelity usually, although not always, destroys the relationship. In a few cases, I've seen people develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from a spouse's infidelity. Yet there are people who want to believe that monogamy is unnatural, or impossible for them as individuals. Some attempt for themselves (or promote to others) the idea of an "open marriage". There are some (in my opinion rather obvious) reasons why ultimately, an "open" marriage almost never works.
First, let's look at who promotes the idea of "open marriage." One of the male bloggers on this site wrote a book promoting the idea that infidelity is "natural" (a meaningless word--aggression and eating high-fat foods are natural behaviors, yet indulging in them is destructive). Here's a quote from the introduction to his book:
"There's good reason marriage is often depicted and mourned as the beginning of the end of a man's sexual life. And women fare no better. Who wants to share her life with a man who feels trapped and diminished by his love for her, whose honor marks the limits of his freedom? Who wants to spend her life apologizing for being just one woman?"1
Hmm, does that sound sexist to you too? The author actually seems to be promoting a double standard. And I haven't known any women who felt they had to "apologize" to their partners for "being just one woman".
Nor have I known men who've felt "diminished" by loving one woman. I have, however, known people who've struggled with fidelity. In counseling, a variety of reasons for this struggle come out: Marriage at too young an age, difficulties with emotional intimacy (often due to an abusive childhood) or an inability to directly confront problems in a relationship. There may also be some people who are more biologically wired than others to be promiscuous, just as there are people who seem to be biologically wired for addiction. No professional counselor I know would tell someone wired for addiction that he should just follow his natural urges and drink when the feeling comes to him, and I don't tell people who seem to be more wired for sex with multiple partners than others that this behavior is inevitable.
People who desire open marriages often don't think about how they would feel knowing their partner is sleeping with someone else. A few years ago, a male patient told me he was contemplating discussing the idea of an "open" marriage with his wife. He didn't think monogamy was possible for him. Not long after, he found out his wife was having an affair. He was devastated. "I can't believe I was thinking we could have an open marriage!" he said to me in session. He had forgotten that jealousy is as old and often as powerful as sex.
Some couples engage in threesomes; I don't consider this behavior part of an "open" marriage, a term that connotes that each member of the couple has sex with whoever they want outside of the relationship. A threesome is group sex within the relationship; I don't see it as infidelity because it's a shared activity. It can also lead to problems, however, if occasional threesomes become a triadic relationship. It's hard to live in a stable triad because humans are wired for pair relationships. As babies, we feel a merger with our primary caretaker, a feeling that relieves the anxiety of our dependency. As adults, we still find comfort in a pair relationship that reminds us of this merger. We want to feel special to another person. If we hadn't been special to our primary caretakers when we were babies, they could have literally discarded us, and we would have died. As adults, feeling special to someone is still comforting.
The reason an open relationship almost never works is because people who enter a serious relationship are people who are capable of attachment. They might tell themselves that because they have a special relationship with one person, it's "just sex" when they have sex with someone else. They forget that their initial attraction to their spouse/partner was probably mostly sexual. It doesn't occur to them that as they and their partner are having sex with other people, inevitably feelings will result. Eventually, one or both of them will find themselves falling in love with a "just sex" partner.
There are some people who aren't capable of attachment. These people don't worry about monogamy or fidelity. In some cases these people aren't sexual (although often they are). When they aren't sexual, they sometimes fit into a diagnostic category called Schizoid Personality Disorder. When they are sexual, they are often psychopaths. The reasons why some people develop these disorders are not completely known, but like most disorders they probably stem from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. People who are capable of attachment (love) can't shut off this capability and operate only on a biological sexual impulse at will. Cupid's arrow often strikes when least expected. People who attempt "open" relationships end up with multiple attachments, confusion, and/or jealousy.
In many cases an "open" relationship is an attempt to avoid problems in a relationship instead of openly discussing or dealing with them. A better option to an "open" relationship is a frank discussion with your partner about your differences and how to manage them within the relationship. That would be a different kind of "openness," and a healthier one.
1Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, Harper Collins 2010.
