Why won't they help?

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I had lots of difficulty with my own mom. I had to choose NC (No Contact) because it was the safest thing to do. It sounds like we may have that in common.

I've always been a bit of a "rescuer." I had to learn to stop trying to help and fix people who don't want to be fixed. It doesn't help when you grow up with a broken mom that you can't seem to fix and you think it's your responsibility to do that. The child should not be the parent to the parent, but some parents are not fit to be parents and actually depend on their child for emotional support. I am not sure if this is what happened with you. But if you always feel responsible for everyone else, it wouldn't surprise me if something along those lines occurred.

Also my mom basically denies anything she does is wrong, as well. She is very good at projecting her faults on other people. Almost like she is from another planet but lives inside a human body.

At least, as a mother, you are willing to look at yourself, and that's another thing we have in common (I don't have kids, but I've had to unlearn a lot of what I learned to survive being raised by my mother).

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[SilverRaven]

my mom is a retired social worker and that is what hurts..she should know what is expected as a parent but yet she does not use what she tells people...she used me to make her feel good just like she uses my one daughter for that..buy things to make the child happy makes her happy but if the child says no don't I don't need it then she is unhappy and will buy it anyways for you..aargh..toxic parent...yeah that is what she is...I do not like who I am most days because of her..I do not like looking in the mirror and seeing someone who lacks social skills because of her..I don't like knowing that she kept me from knowing what life was about and then throwing me to the wolves to figure those things out myself...telling me that I cant do this I can't do that..you don't know what your doing..you shouldn't do this because you'll mess it up...yeah I guess mom was right...I messed up my kids lives ...I failed at school..I failed at so many things but its still not who I am..I at least tried to make things work..and I have made a difference in many lives with the help I offered....but my life seems so messed up that I'll be dead before it is ever close to being normal...what I would do to just experience one day of normalcy..one day of things going right with no fights no complaints no worries at all...just one day...I would take that one day and relish it forever if I could have it..

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Right, sounds like she was a rescuer, too.

She'd try to do everything for you, and help you... even if you DIDN'T need to be rescued. That's called interfering.

My mom was a lot like that. And I was like that. I had to learn to figure out my boundaries. I had to figure out where I ended and other people began. I had to figure out that people I wanted to rescue usually didn't want to be rescued, and instead of looking for someone to fix, I should have been fixing myself, and maybe been looking for someone who was already whole.

I imagine it's something like that for you. I had learned some behaviours from my mom. But I'm doing pretty well and unlearning. You can, too.

I'm in my 40's and been working on my unlearning since I was in my 30s... I know ladies in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who are in the same boat as myself.

If it's one thing I've learned, you're never too old to start anything. Including healing. Especially that.

 

[SilverRaven]

ok so I get into see my regular doctor and he takes me off the trazadone for now to see if that helps my moods and that...but I have been put on a cancellation list with my therapist to see if I can get in soon because they can not get me in sooner at this time and once I see her then she will decide if I need to be on meds and what not and then set me up an apt with the psychiatrist omg...that could take another month...I jsut want to get back on my meds that I was taking before omg..is that so hard?....gggggrrrr...its the same clinic I was at before I moved three years ago so why is it a big deal?...I cant take this anymore no way...I cant wait....I told them I cant wait..if they can get me in sooner they will..I'm losing it ...I gotta do something....I so want to do some crazy stuff right now...how assertive or aggressive do I have to be to get them to get me in NOW.......I am beyond angry now...beyond wanting to handle this rationally...this is why I want to die...wait wait wait wait...oh you gotta wait longer yet even after waiting ....I'm so done with waitingmg:

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Raven, please, if you are going to do something "crazy" call your 911/crisis line, okay? If you want immediate support and the usual method is backed up from appointments, like with a doctor, get help immediately.

If you have a stroke or a car accident you get taken to the ER, if you are having some kind of mental breakdown, you need to get that sort of help immediately. Whether it's 911/crisis line/ER whatever, don't have to wait for that, do it now. ♥

 

[SilverRaven]

yeah..,,mental breakdown..I like that term ...sure is better than what others are calling me tonight....should go for a walk maybe the nice windy cold air will open my mind up...so its freezing out but better than sitting in the house thinking...I'll call if I think its that bad..I don't think it is but yeah...thanks...onward

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I am sorry if my phrasing offended you. I've had what I would call a mental breakdown. My mind just went kablooie one day. I couldn't function anymore. That was it. I can't say it was worse or better than what is happening in your mind right now, but when my mental/thinking just grinds to a halt, I don't know what else to call it...

I had a breakdown, burnout... Whatever you call it. I left work after bawling outside in the field out back behind the building, and didn't come back into work again (at least not to that job).

In retrospect it was a good thing that I finally broke down, because I stopped harming myself by continuing going to work at a very dysfunctional workplace that was too much like a recurrence of living at home (so I know a little about patterns)...

 

[SilverRaven]

no I was not offended by what you said...mental breakdown is what it is..its just better than what everyone else is calling me today...stupid idiot coward..irrational fool...crazy..screwed in the head..etc..
so no your wording is right...I have been crying off and on and screaming and all kinds of stuff....my mind is not working..guess thats a good way to put it...I think all the good got deleted...I am not a patient person so waiting to do something about all this is putting me over..and it feels like a bomb went off...but your all good...don't worry bout me..I do a lot of ranting right now..

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Don't worry, "the good" doesn't get deleted.

It's just everything is overwhelming right now.

I've felt like a burnt marshmallow before. Essentially your outsides are fried and somewhat like lava... Inside there is still mostly marshmallow...

But just don't stay over the heat any longer to catch fire. Because if you do stay in those flames too long you just might just melt right down to nothing but the nub of your marshmallow stick.



It's okay to scream and holler and beat up pillows and stuff. Best to do it when no one else is within, earshot, mind you. Do what makes you feel sane as long as it doesn't hurt you...

After some crying and screaming and dancing like mad to some mind-fracking music and exhausting yourself, though, have a hot bubble bath, then curl up somewhere and just close your eyes and breathe slowly in and out for a while. Maybe you could get some quiet relaxing music to go along with it. ♥

 

[SilverRaven]

a marshmallow yeah..sounds about right..no, I went out and started beating the crap out of my truck...lol...ha..felt good for a time..thing wont run anyways so thought since it looked like I felt it was something constructive to do..wrote some poems to..trying to get some of the darkness out..and a bit of light I guess..but so much more darkness inside thou..but I think a long walk is still in order..when he gets home from work...I'm gonna leave...the night is calling..

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Stay warm, Raven.

Maybe he'll go walking with you?

I saw your poems just now waiting to be read, will go have a look.

It's good to get that out on paper. Helps leech it out of your head. Better than letting things rattle around and bounce off the insides of the skull.

 

[SilverRaven]

Thanks..but I don't want any company when I leave..I will go by myself...better that way...hope you like the poems

---------- Post Merged at 01:09 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:16 AM ----------

https://www.facebook.com/SilversWritingPage
Wandering Spirit

Who am I, why am I here, where am I going? These are questions I have no answers for. Everything around me seems so strange and unfamiliar. I do not know what my purpose here is. All around me are faces I do not know. What do they want with me? I am traveling on an unknown path, seeking what I haven't a clue. I cry out to the faces I see and my words do not reach. Why can't they not see me and why can they not hear me. I cry but no tears fall from my eyes. Time passes by and my sorrow turns to anger. I am tormented by this silence. Why does nobody care. Why do tehy ignore me. How can i be set free if nobody cares. After what seems an eternity, I came upon a cemetary. I wandered around until I came upon a name. I knew that name. Why did I know that name? Then it came to me all at once. That name belongs to me.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey, Raven,

I am sorry I didn't get the chance to say hello yet today!

Got work tomorrow... Was using our airmiles to have my MIL come visit (I actually like her), and we did it online... It's exhausting for some reason, to do it online....

Also made Chile for supper (it was a 3 hour deal)....

Just the same, wanted to touch base.... How are things...

---------- Post Merged at 10:33 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:07 PM ----------

Seemed like quite an errand sort of day. Were you able to get an appointment with your physician yet?
Have a good night, if you can... Or a good walk if you plan to go for one tonight.

 

[SilverRaven]

well thanks for thinking of me...glad you get along with the MIL..wish I could cook but mines a work in process...I have not eaten ....much in the past week...nothing stays down for long...to stressed out..
went for my walk last night which was cold...today is not going well at all....things are just getting worse...my friend got his truck running over the weekend and today while I was driving it it broke down again
this is twice in a week that I have been driving his truck and it breaks down...just like me....been in a very dark place today...having real bad thoughts...tried talking to a friend but it didn't help...tried to get my mom to talk to me and that failed which made things worse ...I am in a void ..a black hole ...the image on the mirror is the same on both sides....black...no shades of grey or color...just black...