Intelligence For Your Life
August 26, 2012
Psychologist John Gottman has studied long-term relationships for more than 30 years. He’s the guy who figured out that people need to make five positive gestures for every negative one to keep a marriage strong.
But according to New Scientist magazine, Gottman says the initial feelings that make couples FALL in love aren’t enough to keep them together. In fact, romantic love is a bad thing to base a marriage on because those feelings of "chemistry" fade. And if you don’t know how to behave in a relationship once they’re gone, it’ll come crashing down around you.
But that’s not to say love and romance AREN’T important in a relationship. Gottman says they’re wonderful - you just have to look beyond them. Ask yourself these questions:
"Am I being treated with warmth and respect?"
"Do we support each other?"
"Do I like spending time with my partner?"
"Is it easy to be together?"
"Do I like myself when I’m with this person?"
If you answered "yes" to these questions, Gottman says you can start thinking about a long-term relationship.
But on the flipside, Gottman says there are four specific things that’ll drive your relationship into the ground. He calls them the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." They are:
Gottman says you have to avoid these things. Otherwise the affection, respect and support you have NOW don’t stand a fighting chance.
If you’d like to go further, check out Gottman’s book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.
August 26, 2012
Psychologist John Gottman has studied long-term relationships for more than 30 years. He’s the guy who figured out that people need to make five positive gestures for every negative one to keep a marriage strong.
But according to New Scientist magazine, Gottman says the initial feelings that make couples FALL in love aren’t enough to keep them together. In fact, romantic love is a bad thing to base a marriage on because those feelings of "chemistry" fade. And if you don’t know how to behave in a relationship once they’re gone, it’ll come crashing down around you.
But that’s not to say love and romance AREN’T important in a relationship. Gottman says they’re wonderful - you just have to look beyond them. Ask yourself these questions:
"Am I being treated with warmth and respect?"
"Do we support each other?"
"Do I like spending time with my partner?"
"Is it easy to be together?"
"Do I like myself when I’m with this person?"
If you answered "yes" to these questions, Gottman says you can start thinking about a long-term relationship.
But on the flipside, Gottman says there are four specific things that’ll drive your relationship into the ground. He calls them the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." They are:
- Contempt. Direct insults, sarcasm and feeling that you’re better than your partner.
- Criticism.
- Defensiveness. Never taking responsibility for your actions.
- Stonewalling – or emotionally withdrawing from a situation.
Gottman says you have to avoid these things. Otherwise the affection, respect and support you have NOW don’t stand a fighting chance.
If you’d like to go further, check out Gottman’s book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.