Woe is the existence of melancholy...

[BluMac81]

Melancholy... or at least that is what president Abraham Lincoln experienced. This mundaneness, no, this, lack of seeing any hope for life, or find any temporary 'good feeling' a reason for living.

I sit here now, 1AM. I should be in bed because my goal is to stop all to-do's at 10:30pm, and go to bed at midnight, so that I'm not in that rut of waking up at 12pm and the day is half gone. So I sit here, eating some life cereal at random, i had about 3mg xanax, 1 pill ambien and 1 pill Elavil as usual to help me 'wind down' to the state that I might sleep. Sleeping to me seems...well... illogical... and unnatural. Lying there... fighting the thoughts in your head about yesturday, today, and tommorow, and what you should do or have done differnetly. I begs you to take action, yet, you musn't, for then you will not sleep. Hence the drugs. I probably take Xanax far too often for my own good, it is perscribed and he actually perscribed for 1mg doses per day, so for the most part i'm within limits, but I tend to take 3 or 4 pills before doing something quite 'social'. I'm tellin ya, xanax is THE CURE for social anxiety. However, it works just the same way alchohol does, and niether and healthy long-term solutions.

Things are a bit.... 'weird' for me now. I moved to Colorado Springs, got a part-time job with this security company (going to start the job this coming Sunday, the day after tommorow), and am doing two summer classes at PPCC, MAT106 (Intermediate Algebra) and PSY101. PSY101 is great I could just type for hours in the discussion forums (its an online class), and the subject matter fascinates me, but Algebra... phew, it's been a while since I took a math class so it'll take a bit to get used to the whole math way of thinking. Luckily i'm on the right track in terms of getting my human biology degree at UCCS. What I'm going to do with it? Who knows. Well I do plan on continuing on to grad school in Boulder focusing on neuroscience, but things could change you know.

Anyway now to the main subject. My mood, my depression, my anxiety, my sleep disorders. Well my mood is basically like a roller coaster throughout the day....sometimes I feel content and hyper, and then I will swoop down to this hopeless depression, then I get in this mindset of 'oh there are some good things in this world, i should appreciate the little things', and the mood goes up again. That, or my mood tends to go up if i pop 3-4 1mg xanax pills, or do some tobacco dip (spaced properly of course). I find it hard to 'look forward' to anything throughout the day. I wake up in the morning, groggy (because of the sleep meds), and usually check email and play some World of Warcraft. I'll have some breakfast (usually cereal, fruit, or oatmeal), and then have the first dip of the day. You know, dip... chewing tobacco, stick it under your lip. The first dip of the day is fantastic, my mood is immediately calm, relaxed, tranquil, and all around... happy. I usually do that whilst playing World of Warcraft so I can be social while i'm in that mood. It doesnt last though...about 5 minutes or so into dipping it gets worse and worse, start to feel like this very slight nauceous feeling, and very tired.

SO to conteract that, and also to get myself started for the day I brew a huge cup of coffee and take a shower or bath. By the time the coffee is done, i'm dressed and ready for the day (by this time it is usually 12pm-ish. So here is where I sip my coffee, look at my to-do list (I have it planned Monday-Sunday, and decide in what order I'm going to do everything.

Unfortunately... I have this tendancy that I can't seem to break, that makes me schedule waaay too many to-do's for the day. Stuff that essentially keeps me busy from 12pm till 10:30pm (when i call everything quits for the day). And I would have to say that for the last month, I have not had one single day where I have gotten all of the daily to-do's on the list done, I always realize its late, realize there is no way i can get this done, and transfer the todo's to the next day. These are to-do's like... register my truck at the dmv, apply for disability at the VA, go to tennis lessons, do psych or algebra coursework, etc. etc. But every stinkin time I can't get them all done.

And here I am, Saturday 1:20am, tommorow, at 1:30pm, starts my first day on the job. I am nervous as hell already. I'm not nervous about getting fired, no.... I have the GI bill and stafford loan to get me by at least a bit.... no, I am nervous about the SOCIAL aspect. For one, being the "new guy" is NEVER comfortable, for anyone. So I guess that's normal. But for me, I have this obsession where I am seriously deathly afraid of being labeled as 'stupid' or 'lazy' at a job. I don't know why, it's always been there. So ya naturally, the first day on the job, I will create many opportunities for me to be labeled as stupid or lazy amongst these stranger co-workers... so that does make me nervous. I will probably end up taking 4 xanax before headin to the first day.

Xanax is great, seriously, I take 3 or 4 and social anxiety is... GONE. Like the other day my sister's friend who became my acquaintence invited me to a dinner party, LOTS of people that I didnt know. Normally I woulda freaked and just drove home... but I had xanax, and through everything my mind wasnt on "what do they think of me", it was just on... the present moment. Like in meditation and mindfulness, cept this one is in a pill. Too bad the doctors say long term use of this xanax can get you addicted and have bad side effects. Can't imagine my life without it now, so many changes going on.

As far as sleep goes, yup, the VA wont let me have lunesta (which is THE cure for my sleep issues...(panicing about not being able to sleep which causes me to not sleep), and lunesta was THE cure for that sleeping disorder (xanax helps a bit too as well). So ya instead they give me ambien. Which is not too bad, it does the job, but not nearly as well as Lunesta. Ambien sometimes makes me dizzy, and it makes it hard to wake up in the morning.

Tommorow is gonna be crazy. I want to get all my psy101 and mat106 coursework DONE by the end of the day, since Sunday-Thursday I'm working 1:30pm-7pm. I have loads of errands on my todo list but no way i'm getting them done. I've just got to accept the fact that my (3 page long) to-do list will never be completed. But man I am OBSESSIVE about it, everything that I need to do MUST be on that to-do list or I will freak, since my memory is not too great.

So I dunno, things might change when i start working again. Everyday these constant mood swings are driving me mad. I wake up happy, then become sad, then become happy, then sad. etc. etc. It's not bipolar cause apparently bipolar is with manic or depressive episodes accross several weeks at a time. And i've tried meds that treat bipolar, no effect. No its not... is it... dsythemia? Or whatever they call it? Either way I am just a total mess.

I've forgotten how to have fun, and don't enjoy much of anything anymore (again, only those short periods of some dippin' + playin WoW and sometimes playing some tennis is fun. I am set off to the whole drinking alchohol thing for now... I had one episode where I was challenge to down 1/8th of this 90 proof mint schnapps... (while already drunk) and I did it. Worst night of my life, dizzy, nauceous, puking left and right... not good. Besides alchohol doesnt really make me feel any better than, say, 3-4 pills of xanax does.

So I question. How the heck do I enjoy life? HOW people HOW? Ya nobody is probably reading this now which is fine, its just a journal right. Though its open for comments so feel free to comment. Nobody looks at these though lol.

Why do I bother continue living at this point. Even if i achieve all my dreams and goals, a loving relationship, financial stability, a career that I enjoy, etc., will I even be happy then? Heck now I have tons of 'free time' since I am only taking the 2 class (well till sunday when i start work) and I am still jam packed with to-do's lasting me from when i wake up till when i go to bed. Only parts I enjoy are the ones involving xanax, dipping, and sleeping meds. Otherwise life feels bleak. I find myself searching for 'depressing vlogs' on youtube alot, cause you know, misery loves company. And to me, it seems like everyone in the world is happy but me. Though I'm sure that's not true.

I'm trying though! I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself. Learning tennis, working on my college, degree (yet getting super-deep in debt for it), diligently searching for the love of my life (using match.com now), trying to learn songs on the guitar and piano, all that stuff. I want LIVE my life. Not like certain people I know (*cough* Amanda *cough*) who are content to just not go to school, not work, just stay at home all day and play video games, at age 23. How she lives like that I will never know, no drive or passion. but still she is happy as can be. I've learned that we are all born with different sensitivity levels to our environment and some are set more sensitive to others naturally. There are benefits and downsides to being sensitive and I guess you gotta take the good with the bad eh?

I am in fact continuing therapeutic conseling (appointment on July 2nd to be exact), and intend on getting these issues worked out the right way. I do realize that using Xanax in this way is unhealthy, but, with therapy, I plan to be off it for good. Until then, the anxiety attacks I experience in social situations (for example, starting a new job tommorow, so I"m a nervous wreck today) are nearly unbearable.

My psycologist at my first appointment was leading to the fact that all of my mental disfunctions can be traced back to the fact that my father was a raging alchoholic, he abused and neglected my family and I, until his untimely death (due to alchoholism) at age 59. I'm skeptical that this is the root cause but, certified psycologists know more about this then I do right? What do you guys think? I have been considering going to an Al-anon meeting at some point, my little sister went to one and said it helped alot.

I would appreciate any support or advice, and future comments are always welcome. And yes, I apologize for the excessive length of my post, I tend to be a bit "over-thorough" when it comes to typing out my thoughts... hehe.

Well anyway things getting blurry and it's getting late (nearly 2am geesh), so, just wanted to get things off my chest. Comment if ya want

 

[Into The Light]

My psycologist at my first appointment was leading to the fact that all of my mental disfunctions can be traced back to the fact that my father was a raging alchoholic, he abused and neglected my family and I, until his untimely death (due to alchoholism) at age 59. I'm skeptical that this is the root cause but, certified psycologists know more about this then I do right? What do you guys think? I have been considering going to an Al-anon meeting at some point, my little sister went to one and said it helped alot.

i think this would have a profound impact one someone. i think your therapist is probably right. an abusive home life often does lead to depression and other problems.

an alanon meeting may be helpful. you can give it a try and see what you think

 

[Daniel E.]

Even if i achieve all my dreams and goals, a loving relationship, financial stability, a career that I enjoy, etc., will I even be happy then?

Just surviving one's 20s can help:
Older may mean happier - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Forum

Also, some tangential thoughts:

1. Exericse can be as effective, if not more so, than anti-anxiety medications. So if you are taking more Xanax than prescribed, exercising more may help, e.g. I found it helpful to do pushups before going to places where there a lot of people.

2. The antidepressant Wellbutrin has been used to help people stop smoking, so maybe it can help with smokeless tobacco. Certainly, oral cancer is a concern, and you may need to be screened for oral cancer later in life, especially if the habit continues. Dentists offer such screening tests.

 

[BluMac81]

i think this would have a profound impact one someone. i think your therapist is probably right. an abusive home life often does lead to depression and other problems.

an alanon meeting may be helpful. you can give it a try and see what you think

I can really only remember one such instance where my father hit me. But my mother and sisters recall several instances of him abusing me, my sisters, and my mom. To me the fact that I don't remember the abuse leads me to believe that it is not a causing factor for my current issues.
BUT I was told something I've never heard before by a research psycologist. As a child, you store all your memories in the 'sensory' center part of your brain. Therefore contantly being on your guard and anxious as an adult could have resulted from being in that constant 'on your guard' state as a child. I do admit that I remember always looking forwad to my dad being gone (off to a bar probably) and freaked out when my mom was no where to be found.

---

Just surviving one's 20s can help:
Older may mean happier - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Forum

Also, some tangential thoughts:

1. Exericse can be as effective, if not more so, than anti-anxiety medications. So if you are taking more Xanax than prescribed, exercising more may help, e.g. I found it helpful to do pushups before going to places where there a lot of people.

2. The antidepressant Wellbutrin has been used to help people stop smoking, so maybe it can help with smokeless tobacco. Certainly, oral cancer is a concern, and you may need to be screened for oral cancer later in life, especially if the habit continues. Dentists offer such screening tests.

Thanks for the info, I'll definitely check out that link. I make it a point to exercise at least 20 minutes a day. I even made up my on solo basketball game i call "lay the ball where it lies fastpaced", I try to beat my score all the time (current 20 minutes 74 points). I did that and I do tennis lessons. I admit I feel better after I exercise, and that's why I did the addition basketball exercise to day, to release the nervousness about the first day on the job i'm going to tomorrow. As far the tobacco thing, I'm not concerned at the moment about my dipping habits, since I dip only once or twice a day, and spit it out pretty quick.

 

[braveheart]

All the best for today and starting in your new job.

You know, before I got my meds fixed and started to be able to feel more comfortable with myself with the help of therapy, my nights were sleepless and full of endless thoughts and painful feelings and frustration. Even now I often don't feel rested, but at least I've had some respite. The real importance of sleep is to help rest you and give you the strength for the next day, and give your mind space to process everything safely in the background.

Often we can numb memories of living in an unsafe environment. Or, even, like I know is the case with me, I remember the situations in stark clarity, but split off from the feelings, until I start unburying and connecting them up now.

 

[Lana]

Hey BluMac;
The following comments caught my attention:

Only parts I enjoy are the ones involving xanax, dipping, and sleeping meds. Otherwise life feels bleak. I find myself searching for 'depressing vlogs' on youtube alot, cause you know, misery loves company.

It seems to me that everything you're doing works to sustain your depression rather then move away from it. This, believe it or not, is not unusual. Dispite our discomfort, we tend to stick to our comfort zones. When I say "comfort" I don't necessarily mean "good for us". Comfort in this case means things we are familiar with, things we know. So, you numb yourself a then go off to search for more depressive stuff, effectively keeping yourself depressed.

What if you changed one thing about that? Part of living, expriencing life, is dealing with things it tosses at you. Living doesn't always mean dealing with good things. More often than not, living means overcoming obstacles, achieving goals, facing something challenging and coming out alright from the other end of it, learning new things, and so on. But if you notice, each and every one of those elements calls for some level of discomfort, to learn something new, to step out of the comfort zone. In other words, to live, you need to open yourself up to those experiences.

If you were to give up one destructive habit, what would it be? Keep it small and simple. The idea of such an exercise is to learn to be comfortable in discomfort. So, something small. What about making the to-do list and how you'd achieve it the night before. How about limiting the list to 2-3 things? If you have more than one thing, carry it over to the list for the day after. This will make your list preparing less stressfull and more long term. In short, make the list workable and something you KNOW you'll finish. If you pile on too many things, you will only set yourself up for failure and then indulge in beating yourself over it. Do you think it's something you could try for now?

 

[BluMac81]

Just surviving one's 20s can help:
Older may mean happier - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Forum

Also, some tangential thoughts:

1. Exericse can be as effective, if not more so, than anti-anxiety medications. So if you are taking more Xanax than prescribed, exercising more may help, e.g. I found it helpful to do pushups before going to places where there a lot of people.

2. The antidepressant Wellbutrin has been used to help people stop smoking, so maybe it can help with smokeless tobacco. Certainly, oral cancer is a concern, and you may need to be screened for oral cancer later in life, especially if the habit continues. Dentists offer such screening tests.

Thanks for the comments Actually I totally agree and can testify that exercise works better to combat anxiety (and depression) than any pill can. That's why on a daily basis I make it a priority to exercise at least 20 minutes a day, especially when experiencing anxiety/depression. As far as the smokeless tabacco goes... yea I know oral cancer is a horrible illness, but my two dips per day offer me this... simple R&R that is a major stress reliever. If I stop doing it than wouldnt that equal more stress? Which would equal more issues is my life with anxiety/depression since stress is a contributing factor? Though dang... maybe oral cancer is even worse. Only been dippin for 2 years now, but I'm sure my dentist would have a word or two to say about my current gum condition lol. I'll take your thoughts into consideration thanks

All the best for today and starting in your new job.

You know, before I got my meds fixed and started to be able to feel more comfortable with myself with the help of therapy, my nights were sleepless and full of endless thoughts and painful feelings and frustration. Even now I often don't feel rested, but at least I've had some respite. The real importance of sleep is to help rest you and give you the strength for the next day, and give your mind space to process everything safely in the background.

Often we can numb memories of living in an unsafe environment. Or, even, like I know is the case with me, I remember the situations in stark clarity, but split off from the feelings, until I start unburying and connecting them up now.

Interesting you mention sleep and it's purpose of making you feel rested during the day. I recently watched a video that proposed that depressed people dream more "intensely" and that can lead to the reason why they feel tired alot of the time. It is this video by the way:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MA3Pc22WmwQ

And personally, I am an example of that because I have some intense dreams nearly every single night, and wake up (usually quite quickly) re-couperating from the emotionally tense state.

I throw in an incerpt from my journal about a dream I had as an example, read if you want


So I'm posting this now not tearly awake, its 10am (yea was up till 2am last night lol)
But I had this intensely emotional dream that I jujst want to get logged before I forget about it.

In the dream, my mother, little sister, and I were visiting my dad and uncle at the "Macagno place" (a house my grandparents owned in San Diego). In the dream it was all of us hanging out (mostly mom, little sis Wendy, dad, and mentally retarted uncle Jerry). As usual the hosue was a mess (the parts that my dad inhabitaed anyway) and we just happened to spend more time in there that day. My dad was making kahula (and chicken grease?) mix (as he always did in real life, always drinking) and actually sharing it with uncle Jerry, though Jerry wasn't quite one to partake. Somehow we bought the newest console nascar video game... was supposed to be top notch (I think playstation 3 quality) and my dad was so happy and excited to get started playing on it... we played a little... for some reason halfway into it my dad said that 'he needs help'.... and we decided to take a 'walk' to the VA psychiatrist. So me and my dad walked to the VA psych.... I remember I had about 4 xanax pills in my pocket but didnt give it to him cause wasn't sure that was the doc wanted. But anyway my xanax pills were small, in this dream, the psych gave my dad a stack of HUGE xanax pills measuring like 6" wide pills... (only in a dream lol), so we were on our way back, I was anxious to have my dad take the pill because he had been moody that day, and also anxious to get that video game set up again.

Suddenly, I walk into the bedroom, and even start setting up the game, and ask my dad if he got the game set up or not yet. He shrugged me off and I noticed some tears in his eyes. He sat there solid on the couch looking very sad..., finally, just as my mother walks in, dad says "JERRY'S DEAD!' apparently he was stuffed under the tv stand (you know weirdness in dreams lol) and it was so sad I remember everyone crying. I didn't cry at first I though, only sad to see my father cry as he did. I was actually a little excited now since we children can inherit the house and get money.

But there was dad was, solemnly gathering a whole bunch of these recliner sofa-chairs outside, musta been about 40 of them, different shapes and sizes... him still crying all the time. I helped moved some chairs around (and people from my mom's side of my family started showing up, and others), and for some reason I was sitting in a truck. Watching everyone crying, especially my dad crying hystarically. Then...I thought back on all the memories, times shared, and things I will about my retarted Uncle Jerry... his obsession with swap meets (real life and in the dream), his jolly attitude (real life and the dream), his tolerance and patience towards living with my dad (since my dad was a raging alchoholic (real life and dream) and really moody (just in the dream, though I do my dad being a very emotional person). So the dream ended as I sat there in the truck and wailed at the loss of my uncle jerry. It wasn't fake either, I even felt the sheer bitter sadness in the dream, and then when I suddenly woke up (in real life) after the crying fit).

And I figured I would log this dream before I forget it. Because who knows, it may have some significance. In real life, it was the other way around, my dad died BEFORE Jerry, he died in his sleep, the doc's diagnosis was: alchoholism. Leaving Jerry the house (legally). Now with both their parents (and my grandparents passed away), it was just my mentally retarted Uncle Jerry. He still lives there today (along with some living-assist care by some social workers).

But wow what an emotional dream... symbolic maybe? If it was symbolic I think that the huge xanax pills given to my father signified that he was 'that much' more mentally dysfunctional then i am right now in my life. And in comparing the pills it must of been a 1/30th oz pill versus a 1 pound pill. My dad had issues... Also with Jerry, because of my money problems building up in real life, I find myself anxious to acquire that San Diego house (that me and my sisters will inherit), but that won't happen till my Uncle Jerry passes away since he offically is in the trust to own the house... till her dies. Maybe dreaming of that was the guilt I was feeling about that, that I should cherish the person (Jerry), while he lives, more than be anxious for the monies acquired from the house. He's in his 50's now, overweight with heart problems and sleep apnea, along with his mental retartdation (its a very light retardation, he still recognizes people and smiles and makes sad faces at appropriate times). So maybe it's the guilt...

 

[braveheart]

I'll get back to this later, Mac.