Worrying about therapy

[Cat Dancer]

I'm kind of feeling like a therapy failure right now. I've been in therapy for almost three years. We've mostly been dealing with learning coping techniques for my fairly extreme self-destructiveness. He knows about a lot of my past though from asking me questions about it and me squeaking out answers. I really, really have had SO much trouble talking though. I have been so scared, terrified, beyond that actually, about dying or something really horrible happening to someone I love if I talk about certain things that I just couldn't talk until the last couple of sessions.

I cannot believe it has actually taken me this long to talk. If he's been frustrated with me he hasn't expressed it at all. One thing that really helped was him telling me that therapy was for me, that it was my time to talk about what I needed to talk about. This was just recently. I actually cried when he said that because I have never had that anywhere with anyone before in real life.

So I talked about a few of the very hardest things I'm dealing with inside and he was really understanding and explained how I need to TRY to see these things instead of constantly blaming myself.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but talking like this has brought up so much pain and emotion and I'm scared to keep doing so. I feel like I'm failing if I do or if I don't. Doomed either way I guess.

Is there a way to get past this fear? Or to deal with it so I don't completely fall apart?

I hope this makes sense.

 

[Jazzey]

I cannot believe it has actually taken me this long to talk. If he's been frustrated with me he hasn't expressed it at all. One thing that really helped was him telling me that therapy was for me, that it was my time to talk about what I needed to talk about. This was just recently. I actually cried when he said that because I have never had that anywhere with anyone before in real life.

...This, for me at least CD, is the key of the whole thing. Therapy is really all about you and FOR you. I think that when we've had the experiences that you've had, it's really hard to extricate yourself from the 'invisible' self that we've created...But, it really is about you, your feelings, your emotions. And yes, it will bring pain up to the surface. But isn't that exactly when we can actually deal with it? Recognize that this is a process whereby we deal with the pain and all that it brings with it...?

You're doing a great job Cat Dancer :2thumbs: and for those of us who are at the beginning of the process...well hon...you're just a true inspiration of all the good stuff that can come from the work that we're willing to put into it...

:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

you aren't a therapy failure. you're still going, and you've reached a point where you can talk about deeply and intensely painful things. that takes work and perseverance and you didn't just get there overnight. that isn't failure.

i'm not sure about dealing with the fear, what would work best. i think just take it one session at a time, and deal with what you think you can handle.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Cat Dancer no way you are a failure. I wish i had your courage to actual start talking about issues that need to be dealt with. I think fear is something everyone here has especially with sharing our most deepest thoughts. I think Into the Light is right you just have to take one session at a time and be proud of what you have accomplished take care and thanks again for all your support mary

 

[NicNak]

I agree with the others Cat Dancer. You are not a therapy failure. You are indeed making progress. You were able to open up Cat Dancer, that is a very big step.

Is there any way you can bring up your fear of talking or opening up to your therapist? Maybe try to talk out why you are afraid? Maybe your therapy can put you at ease.

I recall one session very clearly with my Psychiatrist where I let out all my fears about opening up to him. I remember saying to him "I am so afraid I am going to let you down". I find my Psychiatrist will repeat himself a few times during the session on key things such as this, saying "Please, never worry about that, you do not let me down. I do not view what you say in those ways"

I was almost seeing my Psychiatrist as another person in my life who "just might not get it" when I explain things. He and my GP are really the only two people I see who do actually get it. (and ofcourse you folks on Psychlinks) This I now know and realize that neither of them are judging me nor mis understanding me. Which makes me at ease with them, most of the time.

I do still get nervous when I think I might "trouble" them or be an annoyance. Which ofcourse, they always still say I am not bothering them

Sorry I rambled. I hope some of what I say might be helpful to you Cat Dancer :support:

 

[Yuray]

Hi Cat

Why don't you print your original post and show it to your therapist? Think about it.

Yuray

 

[SoSo]

I am with the rest who replied, you are not a failure, you have your 'reasons' why it is hard for you to open yourself. You did start, one step at a time... makes a whole journey when it continues. I was told as I child if I told anyone but anyone what went on at home I would be locked away in the same place they locked my sister away for 6 months, the mental hospital which were not nice places back in the late 50's, was only 11, was terrified. So kept everything inside, until recently. I hope things will get easier for you and soon, you will be like that beautiful flower bud, just opening up to feel the warmth of the sun and freedom from the darkness at last.:support:
SoSo

 

[Jesse910]

Cat Dancer:

Part of me wants to sit beside you and hold your hand. I would tell you that you are not alone in your feelings as previously noted here. You have more courage than you think. I still struggle with words and feelings because I too worry about what my therapist will think/feel. Yet, when I blow past that icky part and find my voice, even though I'm still scared, I find that I'm not alone with those my thoughts/feelings.

Therapy is about going at your pace. You're okay.