Years Later I'm So Angry At Who?

[Lilhelp]

What a mess child sexual assault leaves behind.

Beat myself up by proclaiming to only me that it only happened once so I should be grateful. When I finally told there was disbelief, AND a good old "Well you're lucky he could have murdered you easily and you're alive".

Thankfully I understand now why I buried it. I understand why it surfaced fiercely when my own child became the age I was when it happened to me. Thanks to a good intake worker who when I nonchallantly answered "YES" to the question wheather I was sexually abused as a child did I begin to learn just why I hated me and wore a happy mask for everyone else.

Now though I am so furious at my family. Mind you they had not a thing to do with this, BUT while helping me raise my child they were so protective, and never aloud out of our sight. I know why I smothered the poor kid. You KNOW it takes a mere few minutes for some freak to turn your life upside down.

WHY then did my parents allow me to go in a car with a man they know was an alcoholic. Sure, his wife was an awesome woman and a dear friend, but he was driving. NEVER would they have allowed my child to go somewhere with someone like that.

I mean what am I chopped liver? What makes her more important than me?

Just rambling but I'm really mad about that. Maybe because it was different times back then? I don't know, but if they'd have said NO she can't go to the picnic at the lake I wouldn't have been attacked.

This make sense?

 

[steel_lady]

I guess all survivors blame their parents for not protecting them. Maybe your parents are now much older and wiser than when you were kid. Maybe they listened much more to media and what can happen. At least we should be glad that people are more aware. I would put monitoring cameras in all kindergartens, schools etc.

 

[Lilhelp]

Thanks Steel lady and I hear ya about cameras.

Naw, nothing to do with the media and how we see so much on TV now about the terrible state of the world and how we treat children.

My dad was a cop. Cop for over thirty-five years. He saw it all so it wasn't that. He sure knew where I was when I was sneaking around as a teen. BAM he was right on me catching me smoking or whatever.

Kind of seems like I'm going through the motions of who to be mad at about it. True though we love blaming our parents. I know my siblings and I do. My mom anymore says "It's all my fault whatever you are all going to say". LOL