18 Year Old Son - Help

[SuperSwan]

Is there anyone out there who can give my Wife and I some reliable advice plz.

My Son is 18 and turning 19 in January. He was on an apprenticeship scheme but lost 3 placements due to his laziness and not getting up for work on time. These placements were down to my hard work and knocking people's doors. I have been fortunate to get him working at the place I work for the Xmas Period but on an afternoon job (14:00 - 22:00) so that he won't let me down and is able to arrive on time.

My issue with him is the way he treats my wife and I (our son), we bought him up (only child) and yes probably spoiled him, not probably but did spoil him. He now does not respect himself at all going days without brushing his teeth or showering and suffers with body odour. He has stolen from us in the past even stealing ?100 from us the night before we were going on holidays which really spoiled our holiday. He leaves his bedroom in an absolute mess and just helps himself to food in the kitchen irrespective if my wife is using the food to make a dinner.

Basically he treats myself and my wife like nobodies.

Last weekend my wife wanted to kick him out but I did not want to be so extreme (so I thought) but the last few days have been unbearable. I have just come home from work and heard the things that he has been saying to my wife.

My wife had asked for keep which we have not been charging for a while due to the money he was earning. Last week he got paid over ?150 but after his bank charges did not have much left but this week he will earn approx ?330 so we both agreed that ?40 should cover it. Nope. He has told my wife that he will throw her a few penny's because so far in life he has not paid anything for living here so why start now.

My wife threatened to kick him out when he returns from work tonight and he replied with you can try and I ain't scared of dad either. My wife said she would change the locks and he said that he would smash his way in.

My wife has told him that if we do not get the money tomorrow, we will sell his TV. He then said that he would smash the living room TV up and that Dad can then pay for my wife's mistakes?

Last week I sat him down and had an in depth chat with him (I have had 100's of these with him) and set down some ground rules for him to adhere to, out of 7 rules he has not adhered to any of them at all. My wife is saying now that we must kick him out on his return tonight. Deep down I feel like doing this also although it would tear me up inside but realise that he is now making myself and my wife ill with the stress.

I am looking for advice from anyone who has actually kicked their 18 year old son out and what was the outcome.

Incidentally he is definitely not on drugs (I know this for a fact) but does binge drink on the weekend.

From a very anxious upset Parent.

 

[Retired]

Re: 18 Year Old Son- Help!!!

Welcome to Psychlinks!

It sounds like your son has not learned that bad behaviour has consequences.

What has bee the family policy for discipline throughout his life and has the policy changed in recent years?

Have you considered family therapy to address these issues?

BTW, it is not necessary to post the same message more than once on Psychlinks. Because replies are threaded, duplicate posts would be confusing to follow. Forum staff will remove duplicate posts for your convenience.

 

[SuperSwan]

Yes, I am sorry about the duplicate post.
Their has always been Family Discipline within the household but it has always been grounding him or taking away prized possesions like Playstation console for a week or so.
Thanks for your help

 

[Retired]

but it has always been grounding him or taking away prized possesions like Playstation console for a week or so.

At 18 years of age, I wonder if more adult oriented training might be in order. Learning responsibility and self discipline are essential for successful adult life, and the training should begin in the home.

Do you and your spouse agree on disciplinary style and does one of you support the disciplinary decision made by the other, or does Mom intervene and countermand the decision (or vica versa)?

Perhaps some tough love ought to be initiated, where some difficult choices ought to be presented to him, that if he does not conform to the house rules than he would face serious and irreversible consequences.

In view of what appears to be a long standing situation in your home, you may want to explore family counseling with a professional family counselor who can evaluate your family dynamic and propose some gradual steps to achieve a harmonious resolution to your son's opposition.

If you have hopes for your son to be a successful and productive adult, you owe him the opportunity to learn the skills he needs to get through life once he leaves the house.

 

[SuperSwan]

Thanks Steve for your constructive advice but my son would not go through a counselor, he wont even visit his Doctor for issue's he has.
If myself or my wife decide to punish him we both agree the decision in front of him, if one of us disagrees with the punishment, my wife and I talk about it privately but in front of him we always back each other up.
As you can probably guess we did not evict him last night but told him he has until Sunday to find some place to live but also told him that the door is always open to him if he wishes to change his attitude and adher to our ground rules.
Incidentally he did leave the ?40. for us this morning, so hopefully he will realise that this is not an empty threat. If we do not see a marked improvement from now until Sunday we will be evicting him.

 

[Retired]

Sadly eviction might be the strategy needed to get his attention; however, you may want to try to have a quiet "heart to heart" conversation with him, in an unthreatening atmosphere, to let him know you are ready to help him get his act together when he is ready.

Let him know that even after he leaves the home, he is always welcome to return if he meets certain specified criteria in behavioural modifications.

At what point, do you feel things have gone wrong in his development?

 

[SuperSwan]

Steve, thats the problem, I have had many many heart to heart's with him in a nice enviroment, we have tried the heavy hand by not doing his washing/ cooking etc and the guilt trip but to no avail.
Where has he gone wrong in his development? I am not sure really, he was spoilt as a child and has had everything done for him (too much) in my eyes but we put it down to him being ill when he was very young, that is the whole reason why we only had the 1 child because we could not go through the heartache of what we had to. I just believe it is all down to us spoiling him to be honest. It did not get really bad until he turned 18 and then thought he was this big man but in reality the decisions he makes in life are most probably a decision a 15 year old would make, he is not mature by any standards.

 

[Retired]

Has some form of mental illness or psychological disorder been investigated?

Do you have legal recourse to have him evaluated, even, as you have said, he refuses to see his doctor etc.?

 

[SuperSwan]

There is no form of mental illness, he acts as a wonderful person when we are in company but changes behind closed doors, its a behavioural issue.

 

[Retired]

Have a look at these two Forum posts containing some information I thought you might find useful:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/parenting/28213-working-with-defiant-teens.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/parenting/28214-options-for-helping-troubled-teens.html

 

[Daniel E.]

he is definitely not on drugs (I know this for a fact)

There is no form of mental illness

Of course, those are still assumptions. Irritability, for example, can be a symptom of adjustment disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, ADHD, etc.

---------- Post added December 10th, 2011 at 09:00 AM ---------- Previous post was December 9th, 2011 at 02:25 PM ----------

BTW:

The child?s 18th birthday is a terrifying transition for all involved. The kid wants to be a grown-up, and it also scares him right out of his shorts because he also wants to stay 9 forever. Parents have a similar reaction. They?ve been raising him for almost two decades and would like for it to be over, but they also don?t want to ?lose? their ?child? yet.

Instead of just acknowledging this difficult transition and working together towards it, it seems to be easier for most people to just drive each other so terribly nuts that everyone hates everyone and all are in agreement that the teen MUST go.

That way, the teen doesn?t have to feel guilty for abandoning dear ol? Mom and Dad, and he can blame them for kicking him out. Mom and Dad don?t have to feel guilty for wanting Junior out, and they can blame him for making them kick him out.

The key to reducing pain through this transition is for parents to model honesty and respect for the kids. When parents are honest about their own feelings and express themselves respecfully, their children will be more able to do the same. If parents don?t know how to do that, a psychologist can help.

Throwing Junior From The Nest - Dr. Marlo Archer

 

[boi]

Hi SuperSwan,
I am sorry you are going through this and it sounds like a very difficult situation, however, while I was reading your post, I was triggered somehow. I was a problem teenager as well. Different issues but still the same feelings. Very angry and resentful. Taking ownership of your feelings and actions is definitely key in my opinion. You and your wife seem to be so angry at your son and he most likely knows that too. The article Throwing Junior From The Nest - Dr. Marlo Archer seems great. Maybe you and your wife can go to a therapist to see how you can deal with your own beliefs, anger and feelings and then it might be easier to recognize dysfunctional patterns and change them. I do not blame my parents today however, I have understanding of what went wrong and how my emotional needs were not met. I know parents are humans and are not perfect and make mistakes but I believe they too have to take responsibility for their mistakes and behaviour and not only the child who grows up to be dysfunctional, angry, rebellious etc.... I hope I did not seem harsh, I am sure you are doing the best you can and know.