More threads by Tempered Tense

I recently saw something on the news about this, and I am not so sure the term they used is the right one. Plants are A-Sexual, meaning they reproduce by themselves. I think I might be a non-sexual, meaning I have absolutely no desire for sex, and the act actually disgusts me. Now if I were maybe 7 or even 10, this might be acceptable, but not at 30. I have destroyed relationships of mine because of this, and have turned down many a date. It's gotten to the point where I can be with someone I love, find them attractive in every way, yet when it comes time for sex, or intimacy, I stiffen up, start dreading the act, as if it is tedious work I have to finish. I also become disgusted.

I do have OCD, and a fear of germs especially toward bodily secretions. Could this have anything to do with it? When I think about it, I come to that conclusion, yet there's more. I think that sex itself has become such a cliche in society, that whenever I see a muscular man in his briefs, or mistakenly come across pornographic advertisements, instead of becoming even slightly aroused, I become annoyed and angered. Especially with the way sex is handled as a sport all too often these days, it just kills any desires I might have had.

I have been hearing more and more about this, people having no desire for sex, though most of the time it is do to some other disorder, whether it be depression, hormonal, or just a low sex drive. I am not talking about this. I am talking about no physical or raw emotional desire for sex, period. Not do to any underlying disorders. Not do to painful intercourse. I believe this describes me. I would ask if it is normal, but I don't believe there is such a thing as normal. I'm asking if anyone has ever felt this way or met anyone like this.

This isn't to say that I don't get aroused. I get aroused in other more simpler ways. A compliment or gesture from someone I find attractive will arouse me. Stimulating conversation. The mere thought of that person liking me, or even provocative play. But that is where it ends for me. Most people have considered me a tease, but it's not my intention. I feel like I never blossomed past that young adolescent girl giggling in the corner with butterflies in her stomach. Perhaps this may be psychological, but in doing research I could not find anything on this condition. That is what it may be, though it's arguable. This condition causes me no distress, and no discomfort. I don't feel I am missing anything. The only stress I get is from partners, and society making it seem as if sex is a necessity in life. I see this as just a sexual or rather non sexual preference. I'd love to hear others thoughts on this matter.
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Daniel E.
While you are waiting for replies, a previous thread that may be helpful if you haven't seen it already:
Does no sex = dying alone?

I think the recommendation in that thread that most applies to what you are saying is the recommendation for discussing this with a qualified therapist since there are different psychological reasons for feeling asexual.

Silhouette said:
...society making it seem as if sex is a necessity in life
You are right, of course, about society at large (the masses) seeming sex-obsessed, but a lot of this is just bad marketing:

The world, at least our world, does seem obsessed with sex. Whole industries are devoted to making people think everyone else is having more, doing more, doing it better. It's a principle of Marketing 101 that anxiety about one's ultimate desirability as a mate is a great sales tool. You don't have to have a low sex drive to understand that the reality is not quite so florid...

Silhouette said:
Especially with the way sex is handled as a sport all too often these days, it just kills any desires I might have had.
On the other hand, most people still have romantic notions about sex, and we are not yet living in a Brave New World:

Falling in love is a sin in this world in which one has sex with everyone else.

Barron's Notes on Brave New World
Sex has been related to love in our society. I believe that it is important to know a person and understand what kind of person you are becoming involved with first. I have observed far too many relationships where it starts out physical and bursts into flames with the two individuals hurt. Being sexual is a part of being human but too much emphasis is placed on it in today's society.

Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. You might be experiencing something like it. Are you seeing a therapist? It would be helpful with the issues you spoke of. Take care,

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
It sounds more to me like you have a fear of or aversion to sex, possibly related to your OCD anxiety about bodily secretions. This is not the same as lack of libido. In essence, your aversion to the act and/or fears about contamination are significantly inhibiting your arousal.

Have you in fact ever talked to a therapist about this?
I am currently in therapy, though my therapist usualy gears the topic of conversation in his own direction. We usualy discuss day to day problems and issues I am having and whenever I feel I want to get into more deeper issues such as my OCD and views toward life, he gets a bit uncomfortable and shifts the conversation back toward what we were previously discussing. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, but whenever I am in a session I feel like I am talking to case manager rather than a therapist. I'm not good at confronting, and he is a nice person, so I usualy just keep things the way they are.
Licensed Independant Social Worker. It seems he's been in practice for a considerable amount of time. I grew up in the system so I am not new to therapy, however I think the problem is probably with me. I don't think I am assertive enough. He's convinced I should go back to college (which I am in the process of working on) But this seems to be the primary focus of all our sessions, and it is not why I initially went back into therapy. Most of the time, when I bring up an issue involving my OCD, it is very fleeting. I wind up analysing, come to a conclusion, therapist agrees, and that's where it ends. There's just so much more though.

He did make a statement at one point, that I tend to think too much.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
My orientation is primarily client-centered. That means the client decides (with assistance from me as required) what are to be the goals and objectives in therapy. Personally, I think if a client wants to address a certain issue or topic, in most cases it would be wrong for me to attempt to discourage that. The exception would be if I felt that the client wasn't yet ready and that to address it prematurely would be damaging - for example, I might say something along the lines of "I think it would be better to address issue A before we try to address issue B", presumably providing the client with the rationale for that recommendation.

I'm not trying to sabotage the working relationship you have with your therapist - I would never wish to do that. But perhaps this is something you and he should talk about. It may be that you have outgrown this therapist and that someone with a different orientation would be more helpful now.
I understand what you're saying. I've only been seeing this therapist for a little over a month now, and I do feel comfortable with the therapy, so I am going to see where it goes. We can't talk about school forever. I am not sure how much training he has, but he does tend to interrupt and take over a lot, though I don't think I should have a problem addressing this issue with him. Also, on a side note, he's probably right about my over analysing.
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