Absentee father....

[sunset]

Although I had a "father" in the house, it felt more like I just lived in the same house as he did. Apparently I didnt get what a little girl needs from her father, and it has played havoc with my relationships with men, and I am still trying to deal with it.

My father died in 2001 and I didnt feel much, nor did I cry. It felt the same as if a neighbor died or something..

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I am unable to relate to this. Not because i get on fantastically with my parent, (that is farthest from the truth) but because of the lack of emotion, (we had all of the negetive ones, lol)
But I was wondering, in what way do you percieve your relationship with him as different to how you feel it 'should' be?

 

[sunset]

Hi Phoenix... I am not sure of what you are asking , but I will reply as to what I think you are asking..lol!

I was never close to my father and actually is was a non issue with me until my therapist got into it with me. He said I didnt get what I should have gotten from a father, so therefore I am always looking for a father figure which has gotten me in trouble. I dont know how I should "feel" but I am puzzled when I hear women say they are a "daddy's girl" and still call him "daddy" even though they are grown! I thought it was weird actually.

I never really had a relationship with my father. I viewed him as my mothers husband who went to work and paid the bills... Where I got that idea... I have no idea!
Did that answer your question? Hope its not too confusing.

 

[foghlaim]

Although I had a "father" in the house, it felt more like I just lived in the same house as he did.

i can relate to that.. when he died I didn't feel anyting at all (only went to the funeral cause i was supposed to, obliged to if you like)

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Did that answer your question? Hope its not too confusing.

Lol, yeah, I guess so. Do you think that when you were younger you wondered why you wern't getting his attention? Do you think that you have noticed differences when viewing relationships between your g/f's and their fathers? Have you ever cryed (or experianced a strong emotion that you couldn't explain) during therapy when speaking about your father, or something related to him?

 

[sunset]

I never wondered about getting his attention, nor did I seek it, or even thought it was a "problem". I had my sisters to play with and my mother was nurturing, so I was fine... Or so I thought.
I have noticed differences when my friends talked about their fathers, and I never felt the same way. In the back of my mind, I wondered if something was missing, but at the time, could not understand it. I always wanted a father... just not the one I had. Which has the pattern in my life, attaching myself to other men for a father figure, and then when they are gone from my life, I am devastated.

Never had any emotion about my father, except for hate a few times, when he went after my twin sister. I wanted to kill him.. I guess thats a strong emotion.

However, I have felt nothing for him at my earliest memory (around age 5) and the above happened in my early teens...

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

You mentioned hating him in your teens, have you hated him since then? or has it just been no emotion?

 

[sunset]

No emotion really. I felt bad when he got sick and died, but thats about it. I felt more for my mother because she was so close to him.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Ok,
Well, sorry for asking so many questions, just wanted to get to know more of the story. I think that the reason that your t has mentioned your relationship with your father is probably because he/she has noticed some tension/*unusual* (I hate usuing that word, I don't mean strange) vacantness. Its worth while talking to him/her more so that you understand what exactly he/she meant by this.
However, I don't think that there is a 'normal' father/daughter relationship. I always hesitate to classify things as normal anyway, because its all relative. If you felt no emotion when your dad died, then you shouldn't worry about it, shouldn't feel guilty, because its a result of the relationship that the two of you had.
But, I'm not saying that your t doesn't know what he is talking about !!! because he may feel that you have repressed emotions towards him.
I guess the thing to do, would be to delve a little deeper into it with your t.
I hope this is what you were originally after??

 

[sunset]

I dont mind the questions at all Phoenix..
I am not sure what I am "after", but I guess I wanted to know I wasnt the only one who has felt this way.
It seems I lacked a fathers influence, at least enough to damage me even now, and I have no idea how it happened. It is frustrating to say the least. I keep asking my therapist why it affected me when It was not an issue growing up.. He said although I had my physical needs met as a child, I didnt get the nurturing and attention from my father, and he feels I push my feelings down, which is why it still is a problem for me.
I still dont really understand the workings of a small child and what I must have thought, but I cant remember anything.... Like you said, I need to delve a big deeper and I think we are at that point in my therapy. It was a good session last night, and after the Dr described me, I felt like a mask was being taken off my face. I was relieved to hear him descibe me exactly and yet scary that I feel somewhat exposed....
Hope that made sense....

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Of course, I understood!!
About being exposed. There have been a couple of posters recently that I have heard the same feeling from. And I know I certainly did when I went to t. The way to think about it though is that, esentially thats what your there for. And it doesn't mean that your an easy person to read, just that your t is just trained to ask the correct questions. If he is able to understand you that is a good thing because it makes him more able to lead you to your own answers.

 

[sunset]

Thank You Phoenix for your response. I do feel better about things and I will look at it like you said. I do feel exposed,and it took a long time to get to this point. I am eager to keep on going and start healing.

After he descibed me last night, I thought of Billy Joel's album, "Faces of the Stranger". Thats how I felt, but was now without the mask...
Weird!

 

[sunset]

I really should proof read first! Sorry for the mistakes....

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Hahahahahaha
Don't worry at all... I have terrible TERRIBLE spelling!

 

[Peanut]

Hey sunset,

I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you posted about being having detatched feelings from your father, or not much feeling about his death.? I have almost no attatchment to my father and I honestly think I would not care if he died (anymore than I would care if someone I didn't know and never talked to died).? It's not like I wish him ill or anything, I just wouldn't really care.? I think your lack of emotion is not reflective of you at all, just of the quality of relationship you had with your father.? I can also relate to what you said about wanting a father figure in your life...my mom never dated so I had pretty much no older males around.? I remember always wishing that my friends' dads would think of me like their daughter, although they never did because they had their hands full with their own children.? And I've always been attracted to(I don't mean just sexually, I mean I like to be around them) fatherly type people, alpha male types and unavailable men. I'm not sure if it's related but I think it may have something to do with me not having had one in my life.? Growing up it seemed like most people had dads, or at least step dads.? I know that your dad wasn't absent physically, but it sounds like he was pretty emotionally absent and that is not something that you could control...you were the child...and I think that the reprocussions from the relationship (or lack there of) are not your fault, but I guess like you mentioned, even if it is not your fault, you may still feel like you need to deal with it in therapy.? Anyway, I didn't have any great advice or anything, but I just wanted you to know that you weren't the only person who felt detatched from their father.? I mean, my dad didn't even respond to the wedding invitation I sent him....and I doubt I would even go to his funeral or cry if he died.

 

[sunset]

Hi toeless, and thanks for your input. I have not been online since Monday, because I have been sick, but am on them mend now.
I am sorry you feel the same way, but I am relieved to know that others have felt this way.. Why is it we always feel we are the only one who has felt a certain way about this or that? My guess is because we cant read each others minds and feel isolated in our own thinking.

What is really kind of strange is, that my father was a nice person, went to work everyday and was in the house.... but thats about it.
I would like to just understand why I was affected even though there is no earth shattering reason. I guess the little girl in me must know, but she isnt saying at the moment. lol!
I am sorry your dad didnt respond to your wedding invite! That had to hurt.
What do you do now??

 

[Lana]

Hi Sunset;
I never had a father figure in my life so I can't relate to this question. However, I was curious about a couple of things you said. You mentioned that your father "went after" your twin sister. How do you mean "went after"? Also, are you the only one that feels that way about him within your family. That is, how does your sister (or sisters and/or brothers) feel about him?

P. S. Welcome back. I'm glad you're on the mend now

 

[sunset]

Hi Lana,
He went after her to hit her. She done something he didnt like and he went to hit her, which I always thought cruel. I am not one for "hitting" children and in fact, I believe it damages them. Of course I am very protective of my sister as she is with me, so I was really angry when he did that.
My sisters and brother and myself dont talk about this kind of thing, but I think I am the only one who feels that was about him.They seem well adjusted and happy and I am in therapy! That speaks volumes right there. I dont know why that is, and I often ask my therapist about that. Apparently I am way sensitive and things probably affected me more than the average kid.

Its amazing how much of a mask I wear, even with family. My Dr is the only person, besides myself of course, that knows me. He has managed to get the mask off of me and I felt totally "exposed".

Lana.. How do you deal with never having a father figure in your life?

 

[Lana]

Lana.. How do you deal with never having a father figure in your life?

Wow?that question had me totally stumped!? ?

There is a saying, ?You can?t miss what you don?t know?? It applies here as well.? There really isn?t anything to ?deal? with as it?s never been an issue for me, one way or the other.? To me, having a father in my life is a very foreign thought/experience.? I very vaguely remember him coming around when I was...9?I think...or maybe 7 (i have a lot of blanks so can't be exact).? To me he was a complete and very tall stranger with presents, and I had no idea who he was or why he was even there.? ?

My views on having a father are very idealistic, based on what I learned through books and television shows (and here ).? Sometimes I think it would be cool to have one.? But I can?t even imagine what it would be like which makes such thoughts very fleeting.? I also think that they stemmed from the desire to belong.?

 

[sunset]

Lana, although? I agree with your "cant miss what you dont know" theory, in this case I wonder.? Even if you didnt have a father, you have wondered about him, and also go by what you see on TV or books as far a "fathers" are supposed to be. My two IDEAL fathers from TV Land are "Charles Ingalls" in Little House on the Prairie, and "John Walton", from the Waltons. I would have LOVED to have either as a father when I was a kid and often pretended that they were.. I know, pretty sad.
It probably has affected you in not having a father in some way that you dont "see". You dont see it as a problem either, because you know nothing different, but still, I think it has to have some sort of affect.
I think the last line you wrote drives my point home.....