I can see where you see that, Sunset. But I beg to differ. I didn?t idealize anyone in a sense where I wanted to have them as my own father. There was no comparison made. What I meant was that to me, having a father was and still is a completely foreign notion.
I couldn?t (and still can?t) fathom a concept of having 2 parents in my life, or siblings. I have always been a single child of a single parent. It is what it is.
The belonging comment was more of a kid wanting to know what this ?father? deal was so that I could belong to the kids that did have one. I didn?t want a father per se. I just wanted to be able to relate to those that did have one. I didn?t have a television until I immigrated to Canada. I was 13. That?s when I saw the TV shows and strangely, it did not make me wish for a father either. It was more of a ?ah-ha! That?s what it?s all about?
You?re right, all of that had an effect on me and my growing up. One of the biggest is where other people felt sorry for me that I didn?t have one. I often wished they?d see past what I didn?t have and saw what I DID have. Whenever there was a conflict, there was name calling (bastard) and comments to the effect (?If only you had a father?blah blah blah?). And during extreme frustration, my desire for a father was not for me, but for those that so desperately clung to that notion that I HAD to have one. I wished, more then anything, for them to see past that and see me. Sometimes I still do.
I couldn?t (and still can?t) fathom a concept of having 2 parents in my life, or siblings. I have always been a single child of a single parent. It is what it is.
The belonging comment was more of a kid wanting to know what this ?father? deal was so that I could belong to the kids that did have one. I didn?t want a father per se. I just wanted to be able to relate to those that did have one. I didn?t have a television until I immigrated to Canada. I was 13. That?s when I saw the TV shows and strangely, it did not make me wish for a father either. It was more of a ?ah-ha! That?s what it?s all about?
You?re right, all of that had an effect on me and my growing up. One of the biggest is where other people felt sorry for me that I didn?t have one. I often wished they?d see past what I didn?t have and saw what I DID have. Whenever there was a conflict, there was name calling (bastard) and comments to the effect (?If only you had a father?blah blah blah?). And during extreme frustration, my desire for a father was not for me, but for those that so desperately clung to that notion that I HAD to have one. I wished, more then anything, for them to see past that and see me. Sometimes I still do.
