Abused by professionals

[Kanadiana]

Hi folks,

Yes, I've experienced abuse by professionals I've gone to for help.

1) A Vancouver gynaechologist, twice, in his office and examining room when I was early pregnancy (1982) My history didn't help me to avert that, first sign of wierdness triggered my "freeze" reaction and disbelief ... I never went back, never had the abortion because of that, but would have cancelled anyways because I wouldn't have been able to go through with it when the time came.

I never came forward. Shame and fear. It always bothered me to not report him ... I just couldn't "go there" and I always wonderd if he were still practicing. I carried huge guilt for not having courage. By the way, I did absolutely nothing to encourage that sort of behavior,except perhaps he recognized a "sexual abuse victim" as easy prey.

10 years later I read an article in a paper about several women who had come forward in a class action lawsuit against this doctor. He had done the same things to them as to me. Some worse. I felt incredible relief and satisfaction to know he'd been "caught" and assumed he had JUST been caught... so... add another 11 years of extra huge guilt and shame when I thought he'd abused women for another 10 years and I couldhave PREVENTED THAT! Horrible. Well... carried that ... until I found the courage to make enquiries to reassure myself he was no longer practicing. He was middleaged in 1982. I was happy to find out he'd been reported and "disciplined/barred" a year or so after messing with me. College of physicians and surgeons sent me a photocopy of some of the "complaints' against him. Similar scenarios to my experience.

Imagine ... the long term IMPACT this man had. He's elderly now. Have NO idea if he was ever charged by police etc.

2) Therapist ... for panic disorder and agoraphobia for months. Married. We became lovers. He was "so kind" to me and helped me a lot to cope with my symptoms which were actually related to surfacing memories ... severe ones. He was extremely angry with me when I told him no more sexual relationship.

3) Psychotherapist .... 2 sessions, woman, her specialty was regressing sexual abuse survivors. I had some severe reactions to her aggressive pushing me and what she triggered ... came "to" to see her shaking like a leaf, mascara and tears running down her face, trying to light a cigarette. She was really shaking. I asked for a cigarette, which she gave me. Told her, "I have to function as asingle parent with a toddler at home. I can't do this like this. I'm all my daughter has". She got really angry at me and started literally yelling really loud that I was a cop-out and other things.Pretty vicious actually. I basically very coldly said Fine then ... if thats what I have to do to function as a mom, thats what I'll do.
I asked her if she'd ever been sexually abused as a kid. She said YES. I asked her if she were ever treated for it or worked on her sexual abuse issues. She said NO.

That explains the whole above scenario? I think so. PTSD for survivors wasn't an official category in those days. Too bad, eh?

I have one thing thats been driving me crazy wondering since that event.

The point where I lost it in that last session, she was being really deeply confrontational and at one point I started screaming at her "STOP PUSHING ME",and she reached over and pushed hard on my belly/diaphrahm
at which point I started pounding my fists on my legs yelling "Stop pusing meeeee" gasped... next thing I remember is seeing herwith th sigarette... what BOTHERS ME and what I want an answer for is THIS:

WHEN I "came to" I felt incredibly weird and I had this very DEEP and LOUD DRONING BUZZING in my head that went on for a very long time (think of the deep drone of electrical generators or cables) I felt this deep buzz in my whole body ... and yes it effected my "equillibrium" to move and walk a lot for along time. I think it took me a few hours before the buzzing finally stopped and my fear that something short-circuited in my brain.

IMPORTANT.... What the hell was BUZZING all about? I've always wanted to ask someone ... but I have this little problem with "trust" for people I go to for help. Understandably so. If anyone here has any insight, I'd be so glad to hear it.

Thanks ....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

WHEN I "came to" I felt incredibly weird and I had this very DEEP and LOUD DRONING BUZZING in my head that went on for a very long time (think of the deep drone of electrical generators or cables) I felt this deep buzz in my whole body ... and yes it effected my "equillibrium" to move and walk a lot for along time. I think it took me a few hours before the buzzing finally stopped and my fear that something short-circuited in my brain.

IMPORTANT.... What the hell was BUZZING all about? I've always wanted to ask someone ... but I have this little problem with "trust" for people I go to for help. Understandably so. If anyone here has any insight, I'd be so glad to hear it.

Truthfully, I don't know, except that under extreme stress I think our nervous systems do become highly sensitized and as a consequence we may sometimes have unusual sensory expreiences. To oversimplify, imagine that under extreme stress, your brain and body are inundated by the release of adrenaline -- suddenly, your heart, respiration, muscles, and certain brain areas are "over-amped" and all working at peak capacity, the so-called "fight or flight reaction", heart beating rapidly, blood pressure up, sensory systems shifting into "maximum alert" -- this would be a bit like suddenly injecting a large qauantity of speed into your system.

If it has never recurred, or only under similar circumstances, I wouldn't worry about it being anything pathological.

 

[Kanadiana]

Thanks

I thank you David.

It was a pretty intense experience and at the point it happened i actually passed out and slumped, the buzzing happened when I "came to"and asked the therapist...what the hell just happened? She had no answer for me.

No, it never recurred but there were some after effects that stayed with me a long time ... I felt like a zombie and and visually it was like sunlight didn't "reflect" anymore... grey muted. Scary to live through months of that and do my life and responsibilities.

The timing of that "buzz" episode coincided with flashbacks/intrusive memories ... I passed out right at the point where at age 4 I fought the man (50-ish) the first time, went ballistic on him screaming and pounding on him, like I did on my legs in the session,... and hurt him. It all adds up to him having knocked me out. A puch in the head as a knee jerk reaction on my pounding him in his crotch ... punch in the head could causea buzz like that. no?

Actually, at age 50 and having workd through much of the crap, when I think about attacking him at age 4 and getting a good shot in ... well hey... pat pat pat. I really hurt the SOB (my stepfather)

There is TRULY some satisfaction in that. GRIN .... after all, I AM and ARIES! I figure THAT experience did the most damage to fight/flight because after that I was submissive with him and anyone else I couldn't evade/avoid.

Seriously though, thanks for your feedback.

We're all amazingly resilient. Thank god.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Wow! You have been through -- and survived -- a lot, Kanadiana.

It does sound rather like a very intense "flashback" or "episodic memory" as you describe some more of the background - complete, perhaps, with the memory of being punched in the head by your abuser... Mr. Spock would have said, "Fascinating", but I don't know what to say beyond what you said yourself at then end:

We're all amazingly resilient.

 

[Kanadiana]

Wow! You have been through -- and survived -- a lot, Kanadiana.

It does sound rather like a very intense "flashback" or "episodic memory" as you describe some more of the background - complete, perhaps, with the memory of being punched in the head by your abuser... Mr. Spock would have said, "Fascinating", but I don't know what to say beyond what you said yourself at then end:

We're all amazingly resilient.

Yep... thank god for resiliency. And some experience of "positive" types with people.

Theres really nothing anyone can say except...WOW.

Regards the flashbacks/intrusive stuff. Whena Vietnam Vet or other combat vet etc talk about flashbacks/intrusive memories, it truly IS RE-living as though you were there again...all sensations a flyin...
....I know EXACTLY what they're talking about.
There was always apart of me though, an "observer" aspect perhaps... AWARE that I was remembering something/reliving, rather than just nuts. It does sound awfully close to integrating an alter... in my case it was absolute amnesia for that exprience when I was 4 until a deep fear triggered the memory.

I hope that people will read my "stories" and rather than feel horrified, just feel, holy cow ... there IS hope that in spite of the horrors I've been through, and maybe even done, and how it effected me and my life ...that I'll LIVE rather than simply "survive" one day I'll get on with the biz of living in spite of history.

One of the most important things is .... a good therapist I can tell you are, as I'm sure most are. You're all a lot more informed too. Cool.

A GOOD THERAPIST!

Be well.

 

[Ash]

I've gone through flashbacks myself. Scary stuff!

It's very important to have a GOOD therapist and if for any reason you are uncomfortable, FIND ANOTHER ONE!

I'm glad that everything turned out. Being resilient is a gift and I'm proud of you!

 

[Kanadiana]

I've gone through flashbacks myself. Scary stuff!

It's very important to have a GOOD therapist and if for any reason you are uncomfortable, FIND ANOTHER ONE!

I'm glad that everything turned out. Being resilient is a gift and I'm proud of you!

Hi AshThank you ... it works both ways, I'm proud of you too. You have resilience too I can tell.

Yeah ... scary is an understatement at times, hey? I hate to think of you, or anyone else, going through all that.

Therapists ... information .... have both come along way in understanding. Too late for years past when it would have helped, but not too late for "today and tomorrow"
We're ALL learning and growing as we go.

Stay strong

 

[Ash]

Yeah ... scary is an understatement at times, hey? I hate to think of you, or anyone else, going through all that.

That's for sure! Luckily I don't get thrown into that very often anymore. I would be happy if no one had to go through what causes flashbacks in the first place!

Too late for years past when it would have helped, but not too late for "today and tomorrow"
We're ALL learning and growing as we go.

Good girl! That's the kind of attitude I like! We can't be held responsible for what was done to us in the past but we SHOULD be held responsible for what WE do in the future.

 

[Kanadiana]

Luckily I don't get thrown into that very often anymore. I would be happy if no one had to go through what causes flashbacks in the first place!

Me too. Big time. I'm also very glad to hear you don't get so thrown, so often.

Too late for years past when it would have helped, but not too late for "today and tomorrow"
We're ALL learning and growing as we go.

Good girl! That's the kind of attitude I like! We can't be held responsible for what was done to us in the past but we SHOULD be held responsible for what WE do in the future.

I know what you're saying ... but I'd probably rephrase that a little to say the power is now in our own hands to choose our own destiny and how we allow experiences to effect our behaviors and lives, and its dammed well time to get picky GRIN ...

nite

 

[Ash]

Me too. Big time. I'm also very glad to hear you don't get so thrown, so often.

It does get better. Though the times when it "flares up" are so unexpected that I think it makes everything feel worse. Did that even make sense??

I know what you're saying ... but I'd probably rephrase that a little to say the power is now in our own hands to choose our own destiny and how we allow experiences to effect our behaviors and lives, and its dammed well time to get picky GRIN ...

You definitely worded it better. I think for a lot of us, control (or lack thereof) has always been an issue. It's an "OH WOW" moment when we figure out that we DO have control over our own lives. Shoot, every little bit helps. ;-)

 

[Kanadiana]

Me too. Big time. I'm also very glad to hear you don't get so thrown, so often.

It does get better. Though the times when it "flares up" are so unexpected that I think it makes everything feel worse. Did that even make sense??

Your comment makes absolute sense to me because I'd found the hardest part was to coast along for a long time without "a flare", a sense of trust and security grows that I feel WOW ... perhaps no more The none day, outta the blue ... WHAM ... which left me feeling despair and adding to my load.

The "peace" time lasts long enough to give a false sense of security that I would begin to trust as real.
It DOES feel like a betrayal doesn't it, to have that "inner trust" blown once again?

....... I think for a lot of us, control (or lack thereof) has always been an issue. It's an "OH WOW" moment when we figure out that we DO have control over our own lives. Shoot, every little bit helps. ;-)

Yeah, that self-awareness moment IS a sunny day to wake up to What moments they are too, to realize that somwhere along the way, we learned to relinquish control of our minds, bodies, and lives/lifestyles, to others ... and that we just reunited with our own ability to choose ...

I wish ALL people in the world could understand this concept ... especially when they don't understand why someone else just doesn't "get it, and get on with it"

 

[Ash]

The "peace" time lasts long enough to give a false sense of security that I would begin to trust as real.
It DOES feel like a betrayal doesn't it, to have that "inner trust" blown once again?

Yes, it does. It's the same with Bipolar. It'll be smooth sailing for awhile and then one day WHAMO!, I hit the wall. Blech. I'm trying to just be grateful for those moments of "serenity".

Yeah, that self-awareness moment IS a sunny day to wake up to What moments they are too, to realize that somwhere along the way, we learned to relinquish control of our minds, bodies, and lives/lifestyles, to others ... and that we just reunited with our own ability to choose ...

I just wish it would come quicker! LOL It seems to be such a slow process at times. I still struggle with feeling as if I have no control over how my life will turn out. But those moments of understanding are well received.

I wish ALL people in the world could understand this concept ... especially when they don't understand why someone else just doesn't "get it, and get on with it"

Oh. I hate that. One thing that all of my "issues" have taught me is to try my hardest to not judge someone until I can understand where they're coming from. Walk a mile in my shoes before you tell me what I should/shouldn't do!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wish ALL people in the world could understand this concept ... especially when they don't understand why someone else just doesn't "get it, and get on with it"

Oh. I hate that. One thing that all of my "issues" have taught me is to try my hardest to not judge someone until I can understand where they're coming from.

This reminds me of a frequent well-intentioned but completely useless piece of advice given by friends and family members to people suffering a major depressive episode: "Just get outside and go for a walk in the sun -- you'll feel much better". "Yes... but the point is I can't even get out of bed right now. If I could get outside for a walk in the sun, it would mean the depression had lifted but actually it hasn't yet."

Walk a mile in my shoes before you tell me what I should/shouldn't do!

I can no longer see/hear the phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" without being reminded of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from an older version of the Saturday Night Live tv show:

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. ~ (pause here for effect) ~ That way, if he doesn't like what you said, you're a mile away... and you've got his shoes."

 

[Ash]

This reminds me of a frequent well-intentioned but completely useless piece of advice given by friends and family members to people suffering a major depressive episode: "Just get outside and go for a walk in the sun -- you'll feel much better". "Yes... but the point is I can't even get out of bed right now. If I could get outside for a walk in the sun, it would mean the depression had lifted but actually it hasn't yet."

Exactly. Maybe if you could wheel my depressed butt out into the sun, things would improve. Who knows. I doubt that'll happen though.

I can no longer see/hear the phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" without being reminded of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from an older version of the Saturday Night Live tv show:

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. ~ (pause here for effect) ~ That way, if he doesn't like what you said, you're a mile away... and you've got his shoes."

HAHAHAHA! I actually have that book at home. I read it when I want to cheer myself up.