Abusing body and can't stop!?!?

[Heather]

OK this will sound bad.

I have really been having a tough time of late so I have taken to knocking myself out with sleeping pills, I don't take enough to kill me or anything so it isn't a suicide attempt it is just to knock out my sorrows, now this is getting quite bad now because I now can't stop doing it when I am down even though I know it is wrong.

I have been spacing out (this happened before doing this with the tablets though), and I am on anti-depressants, pre-scribed pain-killers and these tablets to help with the fluid retention in my neck, which I am getting physio for. I know how bad this is but will I have really bad long term effects what should I do? I can't tell the doctor or they will stop prescribing them for me!

The other bad thing is I have done re-hab for drug/alcohol abuse and now am off them besides I drink on the occassion when I go out (and yes it is hard to not fall back in to the trap of drinking)...

On top of that I don't eat much and when I do it is really unhealthy stuff!!!

There is more as well (I self harm i.e. cut myself, punch my house which is made of brick), mmmmmmmmm I am really starting to think that there is no hope for me...

Heather...

 

[Eunoia]

ok, 1st thing 1st. yes this is a bad idea, as you have already realized. but don't worry about it "sounding bad". it's better to get advice/insight on this than to ignore it.

I think knocking yourself out w/ sleeping pills is just like ie. getting drunk to the point where you can't remember what you're doing and passing out so that you can forget things/ get a break. it's a not so good coping mechanism in the LT. probably even ST. the combo of all the pills you're taking (ant-depressants, sleeping pills, painkillers, fluid retention pills) are not supposed to be taken together at such extremes or at all, so yes, there will be negative side effects. spacing out, even before starting the sleeping pills, is more than enough reason to go talk to your doctor/ psychiatrist etc. about this. that shouldn't be happening for no reason.

you're right. if you tell a doctor they probably will stop prescribing you the pills (sleeping pills I'm assuming? or painkillers?) but that's the point! They're supposed to help you not feed you to continue this behaviour. but yes it's scary, it's like taking the alcohol away from an alcoholic. good for you for completing the rehab- you know how much effort it took to do so and get to a point where you say you're "ok" going out for a social drink. you're close to falling back into those habits though if you continue like this. use the knowledge and wisdom and new coping skills you learned from the past and apply them to this situation.

if you don't eat much who knows what these pills (all of them) are doing to your insides. not so good for kidneys etc. or your heart... it's like putting all of this toxic chemical stuff into your body w/out any means of "buffering" some of it... also, not eating a lot may make you dizzy which may explain some of the "spacing out" ie. not being able to concentrate, feeling dizzy etc.

there is hope for you Heather! there's hope for everyone- gotta believe that or else I think I'd go nuts! just remember all that you have overcome in the past and the strength you had to get through that. you have a lot to deal w/ and going on in your life (si, pain, depression, physio etc...) the last thing you need is more problems w/ beiing addicted to sleeping pills. I think you know that. In some part of our mind we always know on some level that things aren't "ok". Hence you wrote about this here too... go talk to someone about this.. you can't say there is no hope if you haven't tried absolutely everything to get better.....hang in there!

 

[Heather]

Re: the meds the doctor said they are ok to all be taken together but it is far from the ideal! And yes in such extreme doses is NOT good!

I have spoken to the doctor about spacing out but I have to force myself to go back to them, I go to a counsellor but only about once a month and I haven't mentioned any of this to her so I guess I should when I go next (which is next week actually). The doc thinks it is stress and disassociation the spacing out I mean, but I dunno.

I was meaning stop prescribing the sleeping tablets, the pain killers are needed the dr even said that I really need them to survive right now (long story). I know I am close to falling back into the habits that I went to re-hab for that is why I posted

Never really thought about what the pills are doing to my insides even though I know you are right, just have so much else on my mind I guess.

Thanks for saying that there is hope It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but I guess there has to be! I think that my brain is going OMG look at what I have overcome I can't do it again, does that even make sense??? But it should have more hope because of what I have overcome already you are right!

Yeah I really don't need to be addicted to sleeping pills, but how do I stop that (I am not really asking for the answer, just tossing out the thought)?

Anyway thanks again I appreciate your time

Heather

 

[Eunoia]

yes, do tell your counsellor about all of this when you go to see her next week. telling your doctor and counsellor are both good ideas and keeping them updated on how things are going so that they can help you in the best possible way. I don't know the history, but if you ever feel like it would be beneficial to be able to talk to someone more than once/ month you could try bringing this up w/ your counsellor.

well it's a good think that you posted. and that you realized things are kind of out of control again. seriously, that's the 1st step in fixing any problem- realizing that you have one. It's hard to think of reasons for why this or that isn't good if it feels good or serves some kind of purpose. It is even more diffiuclt to imagine how this will affect one in the LT. But if you're searching for reasons at all to stop ie. taking the sleeping pills, then do think about how this can and will and is affecting you not only now but also in the future.

I sometimes think exactly what you're thinking. like omg, I have had to deal w/ so much shit, I can't do this anymore. but you know, somehow things do keep on going, right? your day may suck and things may not be "happy go lucky" but you are surviving one way or the other. And I think a lot of people have a lot more strength inside of them than they think. The fact that you have made it through so much is proof that you are strong and can fight this. I mean, if you think of someone who has never heard of disorder "x" and then they are experiencing some of the symptoms, it is SO much harder to go get help b/c you have no idea what is wrong. I mean they realize things are out of the ordinary, but you have knowledge from previous experiences that tells you, no things aren't really ok.

I know you weren't asking for an answer. And I mean I have no idea what the answer is. I think only you know. but think about what made you start taking the sleeping pills. that might give you an idea about what it will take to stop taking them. ie. if you figure out what made you start in the first place and if you can figure out what it is you are trying to block out when you pass out, then dealing w/ those issues will eliminate or reduce the need to abuse sleeping pills. It's a coping mechanism. and it's a temporary solution to a "permanent" problem- I hate this saying/quote etc. but it is true in the sense that once you wake up your problems are still there. so taking the sleeping pills isn't even helping w/ your issues, it is only adding another one to the list!

 

[Heather]

Hey thanks again,

I won't tell you the history besides it is abuse received as a child basically (long story, I have said a little about it on this site from time to time but find it hard to talk about).

Yeah I do know I have a problem and I can relate to what you are saying about already having an understanding of it, which is a good thing in this case.

Sigh, I really do understand what you mean by saying that things do keep going wrong, they do for me ALL the time!?!?

I know what started me taking the sleeping pills: I was having flashbacks that I didn't want to have them so I tried to suppress them and I was also not sleeping, long story as well, LOL! Yeah there is a lot of truth in what you said about if I clear that up it will be fine, well not fine but you know!

Thanks again Heather