Abusive Mother

[dw4]

Hi,

My name is Shelby Thorn. I am still getting used to the tricks and quirks of this forum and website itself. I am here because last night I came very close to doing the unthinkable. Something inside me told me to grab the laptop and google abusive mothers. I landed here, not even knowing what a Narcissist was! I proceeded to read, and at first was thinking I was way off track. That I was in denial about how terrible a person I am and that I needed to stop this nonsense. But something caught my eye and I become so engrossed in what I found I couldn't tear myself away from the screen. The traits of a Narcissist were listed and I was shocked that my mother fit most, if not all those traits. WHAT!? Pretty soon I found myself wanting to know more and to talk to people here. I registered but to my excruciating dismay I needed to be approved. So I read, I read everything I could on this sight deep into the night. My mind reeling. But a certain freedom had begun to spring forth. A river of release, of all the toxic, terrible, nasty things I felt about myself. Although I still need to work on my self-worth, I assure I can now pinpoint why I have felt this way for the last 40 years. You see, yesterday afternoon I asked God to show me, please of please God pin it down with a name if it is her. If it is me, I must know, I just have to. I need revelation like no other time in my life. Mom and I had one of the biggest blowouts in history yesterday. It was bad.

She moved here where I live almost 6 months ago, and it has steadily been getting worse and worse. I was bearable when she lived 2 hours away, and that is why I moved here 6 years ago. As all this has come to a head I have learned something so wonderful I could shout on top of every rooftop and dance on every street in the rain screaming "FREEDOM"!!! I have learned that IT'S NOT ME!!!!! I didn't do this. I am not worthless and disgusting and certainly not better off dead!!! In my mind, as I am dancing, wet hair flying in my face, joy filling my heart, I came to a screeching halt. My celebration was suddenly over. The shocking realization hit me and my gut instantly began to hurt. I want to throw up. Now I must face two realities. One: My mother is not capable of ever loving me or feeling empathy for me, ever! I did not know my father as a child and still really don't, but now, I am losing a mother who was all I had left. My grandfather (father figure) left me in 2003. I am alone in this besides my brother who stands by the best he can through his terrible divorce from his own narcissistic and Psycotic wife.

As I came to this realization, it was all I could take. I finally went to bed and tossed and turned and had nightmares all night. When I finally woke a few hours later I was exhausted in all ways. I dragged my sorry behind out of bed and got my coffee from my loving and supportive husband to sit and think. And then.....BAM!!! Another very real and horrible thought came to mind. Since I know about all this stuff, things are going to be much, much different. That means, the ultimate blowout with her has yet to come. She will catch on very quickly to what I am doing and this is going to be the fight for my life. Anything else I have done was only in preparation for this massive war that is inevitable. OH God, Lord God, if I have ever needed your strength, your words and your wisdom, bring it swiftly now. I have spent my day working all these things out, discussing with my husband the prospect of moving. Talking with my brother about what comes next. Talking with my best friend....

I have decided to fight the good fight. I have decided, now that I know I am a healthy loving and lovable woman that I am going to fight for my own 3 young boys so that we may all live. And really live life, with love, and empathy, and all those feelings I was never allowed to feel for anyone but her. I have to, I just have to! It's a final choice to challange the demon in my past and the monster is has grown to be.

I am happy to be here. Thank you for immersing yourself into the beginnings of my painful journey back to myself.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, dw4.

 

[Budoaiki]

Welcome to psychlinks dw4,

If you can find out where the hurt she carries comes from it may help you find some peace and please be careful because it sounds like your mother is a confrontational person and confrontational people often seek out arguments as a means of avoiding their own pain and to further justify their anger.

In which case going to war with her may perpetuate and exacerbate the problem so tread carefully.

 

[dw4]

Hi Budoaiki,

Thank you for your kind words. I am not so sure that I will ever find her hurt or that she ever was. Are narcissists capable of feeling pain, other than the loss of control they have over their extentions (children). I am terrified of her. She was very violent when I was growing up. She never hit me, but she didn't have to. Her screaming rages at me were more than enough. Of course, she doesn't do that now, but she does display her temper from time to time to get her way. My mother is confrontational when her lies have created havoc. When she knows she has complete dominating control, she confronts. This will all play itself out in the next few weeks, I can feel it in my gut.

 

[Yuray]

That means, the ultimate blowout with her has yet to come. She will catch on very quickly to what I am doing and this is going to be the fight for my life.

You are preparing for a combat that is unnecessary, and unhealthy. You have come to the conclusion your mother is a narcssist. Well done. The high road is the best defense. No combat. You will never change her, or cause her to see the wrongness of her ways, but you can change your approach. This isn't the time to get even and vent at her. It's time to extricate yourself with the knowledge that she is who she is. Step back. There is nothing to be gained by confrontaion, unless it is personal satisfaction of anger. You have educated yourself. Use it to your advantage. Others will post links to follow to get a deeper insight into narcissism, and the ways to overcome the feelings of anger and resentment you may have.

Welcome to the forums

 

[dw4]

Yuray,

thank you for your post to this thread. Unfortnately, this battle is not mine. I know what I am up against. I know what she is capable of. She would scream at my brother and I until she spittled and her face turned red. Destroy entire rooms! Make us clean it up. I am her Golden Child, her extension, who she lives through. She has not accomplished a darn thing in her life. She lives through my accomplishments and takes credit for them. I think she really believes that my kids are HER kids. She has staulked my brother in the past when he has estranged himself. But it was staulking from a distance. I know it will be different with me. I am the one who has never turned my back on her. This is the battle I am talking about. I have no desire to go to war with her. But I may be forced to fight a battle that she pursues. I will not let her terrorize me or my family. As for all the anger and resentment, I released that. I had to in order to live. No one wants to go to war, but sometimes if you want to protect what's yours you have to. I will move across America to get away. I will fight my way away from her no matter what it takes. I just hope I have the endurance (emotionally, mentally) to do so. Because with her, nothing is easy.

 

[Budoaiki]

I will not let her terrorize me or my family.

I will move across America to get away.

I have no desire to go to war with her. But I may be forced to fight a battle that she pursues.

I will fight my way away from her no matter what it takes.

I just hope I have the endurance (emotionally, mentally) to do so. Because with her, nothing is easy.

dw4 I have some experience in this respect from dealing with my own mother and I selected portions of your previous reply, out of context to illustrate how her behaviour is disrupting and complicating your life.

With my own mother I found confrontation only perpetuated the problem, I have been subject to both the emotional and physical violence of her anger which she sustained through her aggressive nature and used as a means to hide from her own innner turmoil.

I don't know if that applies in your situation but I do know that by understanding the emotions she caused me I began to understand how to deal with her behaviour.

It's like a being forced into a fight that you didn't start, someone says something or physically attacks you to try and agitate you to bring you to the point of violence so they can release their own anger or at least justify it.

Just because someone throws a punch it doesn't mean you have to, with a calm state of mind you can easily see the rigid nature of their posture and avoid their attacks altogether which can either tire them out very quickly or cause them to see the futility of their actions while sparing them harm, saving your energy for other more important things and avoiding the guilt that comes from violence in all it's forms.

 

[dw4]

Budoaiki,

This helps, thank you. So let me ask you another question. How? How do you keep calm when you are being attacked verbally, mentally and emotionally? Do I make myself numb? I honestly don't know how to do it.

 

[Budoaiki]

dw4,

Well my answer is in part also a few questions.

Did you do anything to warrant such an attack?

No, of course not. She may use any excuse no matter how small to get angry with you but her anger is not your fault.

Second when do her attacks stop?

In my situation it was when she got me agitated enough to the point of where I was as angry as she was or when she found a way to try and make me think it was my fault that she was angry or that I deserved to be treated that way because of how I reacted.

Violence in any form is an act of desperation and when confronted with it, especially when it's someone who's so close to your heart it's easier for them to push your buttons, to push you to the same point of desperation even though it may be drastically different than her own.

In the end even though she may not even be aware of it, her end goal is to bring you to the same point of desperation like old adage says misery loves company.

Numbness is the exact opposite of how I do it, I feel pity when I see that because I see it for what it is an act of desperation.

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Shelby,
I am so glad that you grabbed your laptop and do some reading. You are obviously having a strong emotional reaction to what you are coming to understand. I, as others have, council you to make your first step be one of sit back and absorb. Don't act just yet. Allow the insight to simmer and develop and show itself in greater form. It is just one door that has opened to you and a lot more will come if you try to absorb it with grace and peace. Acknowledge your anger but don't let it lead you.

You were never at fault but things that happened have affected you to a depth that will only slowly become clear. A damaged person damaged you. For now let them go and focus on your own healing because you truly are the important one here. Not your Mom. The more you focus on your anger the less you will focus on your right to heal and love yourself. This really will happen with time that will begin to balance the wrongs or at least balance your perspective on the wrongs.
My own parents were not bad people so much as they were just damaged people. As I slowly come to terms with that it helps me to love myself more.
You said it so wonderfully "..the beginnings of my painful journey back to myself." It is not a short or easy journey but is worth every bump in the road.
We all wish you the very best and thank you for spending time here.

Also, as you probably know, you may find it easier at times to simply avoid her in order to avoid her behavior.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

 

[dw4]

Bodoaiki,

I am not sure if I did anything to warrent her attack. When she talks to me I feel like I am to blame. I needed to borrow money because our savings was wiped out to fix our car and put new tires on it and then we had a childs dentist bill to pay. She says I should be more prepared than I am. Maybe I should be. Part of me feels like she makes sense while the other part of me feels attacked. I try so very hard. I feel confused half the time. Like I am being mean and pigheaded.

I have even been questioning this week since I came here if I am wrong about her being a narcissist. But all the peices fit. She fits the mold. Or am I just trying to make her fit because I am in denial of who I am. Am I a narcissist? I am scared to death of being one. I have felt vanity before. I have seen some of the narcissistic traits in me. But I have also fetl extreme humblness. Is it possible to feel humble and be narcissistic?

This week I have begun to feel like I am being too harsh on her. My moms sister told me Friday that my mom told her not too long ago that she feels like its too late for me and my brother. That because she made so many mistakes when we were little that its her fault. Crying and saying how much she loves us. But my aunt said something that has stuck with me all weekend. My aunt told me that my father beat my mother when they were together. That she would call my aunt and have my aunt and uncle rescue her. My father is the farthest thing from a wife beater. He has been married a couple of times more since my mom and I have never even heard him raise his voice to them much less hear them complain about being abused. In fact, my father sufferes from migraines and most of his wives divorced him because of his lack of companionship due to his constant headaches and depression. My father has never been an aggresive or violent man. Much the opposite in fact. I have also never, ever heard my mother talk about my father beating her during their marriage. No one has ever brought that up to me.

One minute I am thinking that I am a traitor and that I am being too hard on my mom. The next minute she hurts me so badly with what she says that I am screaming to myself that I hate her and cry for hours.

I am pretty sure my aunt has already called my mom to tell her that I think she is abusive towards me. My mom hasn't said a word to me about it.

Yesterday I let my kids go to her house and spend some time with her. When my husband went to go pick them up he came back with a very beautiful handpainted, wooden stocking hanger for Christmas stockings. She had made it at one of her church womens groups. It is probably the nicest, most thoughtful gift she has given me in a long time. But I couldn't help but notice how she made it clear that she was making one for herself and thought she might make me one too. As if I was the after-thought. Or am I reading too far into things again........ Confused......

---------- Post added at 05:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:20 PM ----------

Bloodwood,

I am at the questioning point of all this. Am I really doing the right thing here? Have I misdiagnosed my mother? Am I overreacting? I feel guilty for doing this. I have already let the cat out of the bag with some of her side of the family so I can show her where I am with her. I am a little baffled by her reaction to me. She won't get near me, won't talk to me, yet when I called to thank her for a gift she sent home with my husband yesterday while he was picking up the kids, she acted like everything was fine. It hurts.... all this just hurts.

This is hard for me because I want a mother who I can talk to... I think I have clung to that for so many years that it is hard for me to let go of. I over analyze everything for some reason, and try to find the deeper meaning of maybe why we don't get along. I am having a hard time pinning this narcissist label on her. But it all seems to fit her description and how she operates. One minute I think I am overreacting and the next minute I am on the floor crying because I am a screwup.

Is this normal? For me to feel this way? I don't like this splintered feeling.

 

[Yuray]

But I couldn't help but notice how she made it clear that she was making one for herself and thought she might make me one too

If nothing else, you have a nice stocking, and as she said, it was made with you in mind.

I am having a hard time pinning this narcissist label on her. But it all seems to fit her description and how she operates. One minute I think I am overreacting and the next minute I am on the floor crying because I am a screwup.

This link may provide more insight to help you muddle your way through this mess.
Psychological manipulation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Cat Dancer]

Have you thought about maybe going to counseling? A therapist could help you figure out some of this stuff. Maybe don't worry about diagnosing your mother, but try to deal with some of the effects of how she treats you and treated you in the past?

 

[dw4]

Yuray,

Thank you, I think your link has helped me a little. Maybe I am in denial. It is really hard for me to believe that people indeed do not feel empathy or love for others. Especially when its your own mother. Mormonism teaches "love at home". How could I have thought any different? I now know why I have abandoned the idea of Mormonism. Although I love their ideal family values, it is just another lie to control weak people like me. I will never go back!

 

[dw4]

Cat dancer,

I wish I could go to counseling. Have wanted to for a while. I went once only to find that the counselor wasn't interested in what I had to say, rather wanted to talk about useless things the entire $80 session that I have never found a use for since. So there are two reasons why I don't go. One, Most here are Mormon and I won't go to a Mormon counselor. Two, I have no insurance and sessions are at least $80 to a $120. I feel stuck and desperate.

 

[Budoaiki]

dw4,

Maybe your mother goes on the defensive because of her own guilt if she feels she failed you somehow as a mother but that still doesn't make it ok. In my opinion maybe that's something you should take in consideration when she says or does something that hurts you especially when or if you blame yourself for her actions or reactions.

And I agree with Yuray, she made that stocking hanger for you, that comes from her love and no matter how it's conveyed it is an expression of her undeniable love for you.

As for your diagnosis of your mother, I am not sure but by the sounds of it she has some of the markers of narcissism but really only a trained psychologist or psychiatrist can make that diagnosis for certain and would be able to educate you properly (based on your specific circumstances) on how to deal with her and the emotions she causes you.

In my opinion whatever she does, know that your feelings matter, try to see through her defence mechanisms but if it's too much to bare at times it is ok to spend some time apart from her. Just because you say or do something and she chooses to react with anger that still doesn't make it ok for her to hurt you or that you are to blame.

It's bound to make you angry and as you have seen with her and most likely in others anger clouds the mind and causes us to do, say or think things we regret.

 

[dw4]

Budoaiki,

Maybe she does feel she has failed me, I don't know. She would never admit it to me if that's what she really feels or thinks. In fact, she is most times emotionless except when she is not getting her way with me. She likes to turn on the waterworks and ply on my soft side when she see's herself losing control of any conversation.

I don't know, other than knowing that I feel confused, frightened, extremely damaged and fragile, I see little else right now. I am doing well just to get up and get dressed and go about my day. My mother is too much to bear at any time. It was wonderful when she lived in another state. I want to move, but don't want to uproot my kids again. I don't ever want to damage my kids the way I have been damaged. her moving near me has ruined my life and all that I have worked so hard to gain in the last 6 years. I have made a good life here and good friends, but now I am in a living nightmare.

I had a night terror last night. I wake up at night screaming as if being murdered when I am enduring painful times. My husband luckily sleeps light enough to catch me most times before I scream and wake up everyone. They scare me in no other way. It takes me days to get over and shake the feelings they leave behind. I just want to move away, to Africa, China, I don't care. But running never amounts to anything. I know that. I have to face this and find out what it is that makes me feel this way and why she continues to abuse me in certain ways. I'm pretty sure I am on the right track, but I guess I will never know until I get counseling.

 

[victoriatcup]

dw4 ~

My heart goes out to you....as I am in a similar situation. In the meantime, while you are deciding what course to take, please check out LIGHT'S HOUSE - Support for Adult Children of Toxic Parents This site will empower, support and direct you toward a better understanding of the issues with your mom. It starts by asking you to think about your parent and selecting a category you believe they fit into... it is a wonderful learning tool and I am fairly certain you will find it very helpful.

Best....