Abusive Narcissistic Parents

[David Baxter PhD]

Abusive Narcissistic Parents
by Kelli Deister
2009

A person that is narcissistic might have certain characteristics that makes life very difficult for their child. This type of parent can be very self-centered. While narcissistic parents cannot be generalized to say that all will behave the same way, there are abusive narcissistic parents.

For example, a narcissistic father might turn their child down when asked to race, since the parent believes that they alone will win the race. The father might tell the child he won’t race because he will win anyway. This parent might also be very angry should they lose the race; thus, placing blame on their child. Another example is that of the narcissistic mother. When her child wants to help her in the kitchen or with other chores, the mother might continuously belittle the child and tell them that they can’t do anything right.

How then, does narcissism affect the child? While I have been made aware that not all narcissistic parents are the same, I do believe the child can suffer a great deal with this type of parent, especially if they are not seeking help for the narcissism. The child might feel as though they can do nothing right. They may feel that they continually fail their parent, since that is the message that might be sent by their narcissistic parent. The child might also withdraw inwardly, so that they cannot be barraged with negative comments and statements by their abusive parent. Children of narcissistic parents that are abusive, must be on guard constantly. They must strive to do their very best in school, for fear of being told how successful their parent was in comparison. A child that struggles with their schoolwork has it hard at home, since the narcissistic parent might go on and on about their own successes, creating a sense of shame for the child.

Another way that narcissism affects the child is that of the emotions. For example, a child that is being bullied at school has a variety of strong emotions they feel. Sadly, the narcissistic parent might not know how to show sympathy or empathy towards their child, since they can be so self-absorbed. Their child is then left to defend themselves and to not show any emotion, since the narcissistic parent might not acknowledge the child’s emotions. This can have huge effects on the child. It is as though their narcissistic parent expects them to not feel. When they do feel strong emotions, they are not accepted by the parent.

The child of narcissistic parents might find themselves feeling as though they want to quit, since they can’t measure up. They might feel as though they are nothing but a failure, since they can’t do as good as their parents supposedly did in school. Some children, as they grow older in this environment, may turn to self-injury.

If you are involved in the life of a child that has narcissistic parents that are abusive, please do all that you can to offer them constant praise and acceptance. Help them to know that they are not the problem in this relationship. Lastly, report the verbal and emotional abuse to the authorities. There is no form of abuse that is worse than another. Abuse is abuse and the child deserves to receive help.

See also:

Adult Children of Narcissists: For adults who were raised by a Narcissistic parent

Narcissists Suck - a blog by a child of a narcissist

 

[Cat Dancer]

How do you get past being raised like this? What if you just feel hopeless that you can't overcome this stuff?

 

[W00BY]

In all honesty hard work.

You need to learn to gift yourself the things your parents never.

by that I mean self esteem, love, attention chose to be round about people who do not exhibit anything that your parents represented.

The hardest part for me was extricating my mind from all that my parents were and did because it was all I had ever known.

It took therapy before I could even look at my mothers role in it all because I was so far disconnected from my mother as a personality and being a mother myself I could not get my head round how she had behaved.

I look at my kids and all I want is the best and am filled with love and pride, sadly that is not the case with them.

I don't think as such you ever get over it, they are the first human relationships we ever have, they are supposed to provide us with emotional nourishment we do not get and it all goes downhill from there, but you can come to terms with it and begin the long road to acceptance with the help of others in amongst this is shedding what they have told you, you are, all they demanded that you were and the coping mechanisms you used to get by at this point in life.

It is the single hardest thing I have ever had to get over in my life both the fact it was a biological fate that I was born to these people and no matter how much I crave them to be normal and have a relationship of some meaning with them it will never happen.

It is also the best thing I ever did for myself... As nothing ever changes with them, yet I have changed so much.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I've been in therapy for six and a half years and it hasn't even begun to touch on this it seems. I don't think there's much hope for me.

 

[W00BY]

There is more than hope me lady!

some people take way longer just depends on how you do in therapy the kind of problems and issues involved and what else is going on your life amongst other stuff.

I don't know if I ever will be totally over it but I am better and that is all that counts!

The very fact you can talk about it at all is huge!

 

[Darkside]

I've been in therapy for six and a half years and it hasn't even begun to touch on this it seems. I don't think there's much hope for me.

Cat Dancer, I don't know if any of this will help you, but I think we all do the work we need to do when we are ready to do it.

I'm 59 years old and I've been in therapy off and on most of my adult life. I am just now (literally within the last year or two) starting to understand how my family life as a child has affected me as an adult, and to see things with some degree of objectivity. Part of that is accepting that my family was/is highly dysfunctional and NOT a normal or even just average family. That means I have to abandon almost everything I was ever told and decide for myself. But part of it is also facing some things I don't like about myself in the here and now without blaming others, and to understand how I may have affected my own children.

I bounce around between denial of my childhood, anger because of what happened to me and grief over the childhood I did not have. Mainly I feel anger and grief, but I still do some denial - I still have some illusions/delusions about who I am that I have to abandon to find my my real "self." (I know ... it's a 70's cliche, but it's true.)

The hardest thing for me has been to let myself grieve -- to literally weep, and to accept that this is going to take more time. I have a picture of myself at about age 11 or 12. That is the age where I "felt" the injuries the most because I was just starting puberty and didn't understand what was happening to me. Everyone around me was too preoccupied with themselves to even notice. I am trying to learn to love that adolescent boy and to remember what he felt.

This is all the hardest work I've ever done in my life. It is like trying to move a mountain with shovel. But I really feel like, for the first time, I am actually breaking through the outer layers. I remember when I was about 40 thinking about the layers of an onion. That was 19 years ago.

 

[W00BY]

Could not have put that any better darkside

wow

well put!

and yay @ getting somewhere with your onion!

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think I have been wrong about my parents. They did the best they could and tried to be good parents and were good parents. I just messed up my life. I really am sad and sorry.

 

[Darkside]

I think I have been wrong about my parents. They did the best they could and tried to be good parents and were good parents. I just messed up my life. I really am sad and sorry.

I know exactly what you mean, but ask yourself this question - and try to be as objective as you can. Did you really know enough to really "mess up" your life or were you just following your programming?

Taking responsibility and not blaming others is admirable but not always correct. I know people who sit around blaming their parents for everything but never lift a finger to do anything about it. That's wrong! But understanding how you came to be, the origin of attitudes, beliefs and even some behaviors, is part of the healing process. We are all what we are now, but it didn't all happen in a vacuum.

 

[Ftbwgil]

Hey Wooby

I agree with your comment. While my brother and sisters still long to have a picture perfect realtionship with their father and they always come back upset....... I did as well.... I had to go through a grieving process while he is living to accept that the ideal of a loving parent would never happen. I think it is the child in us that has not grown up that wishes that love etc. Because it does not make sense to want a relationship with someone who is still abusive. I have managed to detach and disconnect from the hopes of an ideal relationship and have gone even further by cutting all ties as any exposure to this person was unhealthy and disturbing. The rational adult self made the decison. Where as I see my brother and sisters and they still crave that ideal relationship with their father. My sister will spend a day with her father and then be hospitalized that night. The frightening thing is that he raped her and yet she still has a attachement. It takes a lot to break ties with a parent. I have done that and I am about to do that with my brother and sister as they are entwined in the dysfuntion with their father and I cannot deal with that nonsense. My recovery is fragile and in order to ensure stabulity I have to be with people that have a healty emotional perspective. The point being made and this is my opinion is I do not have the strenght to make a relationship work I do to a certain point but when it becomes complicated, confusing etc I chose not to be arounfd those people. I have benn broken so much and am trying to fix myself let alone the stenght to fix everyone around me

 

[Darkside]

What's tragic about all of this for me is that loving, and being loved, is both what can help me heal and can destroy me.

 

[Ftbwgil]

Hello Cat Dancer Do not judge yourself too harshly. You are a survivor and are doing something to get better. Be kind to yourself as the the people in your past might not have been kind. You have suffered enough that you should never be hard on yourself..... here I am talking and I often demolish my self esteem. Oh well I figure if I say it often enough I will believe it and do it
:confused


I also read your thread about fear of loving and being loved. That can also be a fear of inner child which I have as well and am trying to work through.

When we where children we where at the mercy of everything .

We are now adults and can make choices


I think your doing great because you are aware of what you need to explore. Thats a major start