Ashley-Kate
MVP
In many cases of domestic abuse the woman often goes back to her abuser. well i was wondering if the same thing applies to relationships with children and their abusive parent?
- Thread starter Ashley-Kate
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Re: ...
Hi Ashley-kate,
Yes, I believe that some children of abuse do stay or go back to their families.
I know my answer is pretty vague here but your question is hard to answer. Have you ever read:
Amazon.com: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward: Books ? It deals more with the emotional attachments to families, but it does offer insight into some family dynamics.
Hi Ashley-kate,
Yes, I believe that some children of abuse do stay or go back to their families.
I know my answer is pretty vague here but your question is hard to answer. Have you ever read:
Amazon.com: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward: Books ? It deals more with the emotional attachments to families, but it does offer insight into some family dynamics.
Ashley-Kate
MVP
Re: ...
thanks! no i haven't read that book the reason that i was wondering is mostly because i am currently at my fathers house. a man that i now see only 2 or 3 times a year and in spite of all the stuff that he has made me go through as a child i still keep coming back to him as if i just need at least that at least that attention even though it is not the best. i am 20 years old. i look like a 15 year old seeings how i never really allowed my body to grow up normally i am still in the body of a child and therefore the relationship of abuse i have always had with my father never really stopped and i am confused i don't understand why at 20 i am still unable to set boundaries.
thanks! no i haven't read that book the reason that i was wondering is mostly because i am currently at my fathers house. a man that i now see only 2 or 3 times a year and in spite of all the stuff that he has made me go through as a child i still keep coming back to him as if i just need at least that at least that attention even though it is not the best. i am 20 years old. i look like a 15 year old seeings how i never really allowed my body to grow up normally i am still in the body of a child and therefore the relationship of abuse i have always had with my father never really stopped and i am confused i don't understand why at 20 i am still unable to set boundaries.
Re: ...
Hi again
Here are some initial thoughts on it. You go back because you love him - he's your dad. Some co-dependence may have evolved over the course of your life. This co-dependence might prompt you to be more childlike with your father than you would otherwise be.
Sometimes, particularly with the people that we love, it's tough to set boundaries. We have this internal dialogue that's engrained whereby we "have to": love them, stand by them no matter what, be supportive, etc..(the list goes on). The book reference that I gave you is really good at teaching you how to set some boundaries for yourself. But, I'll warn you that it isn't necessarily easy to do this with the people we love. It takes a lot of practice...
I will say this for you - you seem very insightful for 20 years old! :hug: I hope this helps, even if just a little Ashley-Kate. I'll add just one thing here Ashley-Kate - I don't know your circumstances (and you don't have to share). My advice here deals more with setting boundaries - when you use the word "abuse", I'm not sure of its context...(and again, you don't have to share this).
Hi again
Here are some initial thoughts on it. You go back because you love him - he's your dad. Some co-dependence may have evolved over the course of your life. This co-dependence might prompt you to be more childlike with your father than you would otherwise be.
Sometimes, particularly with the people that we love, it's tough to set boundaries. We have this internal dialogue that's engrained whereby we "have to": love them, stand by them no matter what, be supportive, etc..(the list goes on). The book reference that I gave you is really good at teaching you how to set some boundaries for yourself. But, I'll warn you that it isn't necessarily easy to do this with the people we love. It takes a lot of practice...
I will say this for you - you seem very insightful for 20 years old!
:hug: I hope this helps, even if just a little Ashley-Kate. I'll add just one thing here Ashley-Kate - I don't know your circumstances (and you don't have to share). My advice here deals more with setting boundaries - when you use the word "abuse", I'm not sure of its context...(and again, you don't have to share this).white page
Member
Re: ...
Hi Ashley kate ,
Reading your post through , I think you are asking why you can't step over from the dependant child/parent relationship into the independant young adult/ parent relationship , at times we stay locked into a certain way of being with our parents , because all we want and need from them is approval , and by 'growing up ' especially in an abusive relationship we may lose the little we get approval even if it is innappropriate and for innappropriate reasons , have you seen a therapist about the abuse you experienced ?
If not it would be a very good idea to do so , a therapist would help you to set those boundaries and help you to show your parent that you belong to yourself and yourself alone , and that he has no power over you mentally or physically , you have been traumatised by the abuse you suffered and a proffessional therapist will help you to deal with this trauma and give you appropriate defense techniques in order to see your father without being pushed back into the role of a victim and unable to defend youself .
It is totally normal to hope that our parents will come up to our expectations and that they will take on their proper role of protectors rather than abusers ,at times this may not be possible , in which case you may have to be the one who protects yourself .:support:
take care wp
Hi Ashley kate ,
Reading your post through , I think you are asking why you can't step over from the dependant child/parent relationship into the independant young adult/ parent relationship , at times we stay locked into a certain way of being with our parents , because all we want and need from them is approval , and by 'growing up ' especially in an abusive relationship we may lose the little we get approval even if it is innappropriate and for innappropriate reasons , have you seen a therapist about the abuse you experienced ?
If not it would be a very good idea to do so , a therapist would help you to set those boundaries and help you to show your parent that you belong to yourself and yourself alone , and that he has no power over you mentally or physically , you have been traumatised by the abuse you suffered and a proffessional therapist will help you to deal with this trauma and give you appropriate defense techniques in order to see your father without being pushed back into the role of a victim and unable to defend youself .
It is totally normal to hope that our parents will come up to our expectations and that they will take on their proper role of protectors rather than abusers ,at times this may not be possible , in which case you may have to be the one who protects yourself .:support:
take care wp
Ashley-Kate
MVP
Re: ...
thanks, yes i have been seeing a therapist and the weird thiing is that he encouraged me to not go back to see my father this last time to give myself some time to breatth but yet spending the holidays without my father was to hard to bear. I still get therapie for the abuse i lived and am still living unfortuantly being unable to say no to the man that supposubly loves me and that i just can't hate...
thanks, yes i have been seeing a therapist and the weird thiing is that he encouraged me to not go back to see my father this last time to give myself some time to breatth but yet spending the holidays without my father was to hard to bear. I still get therapie for the abuse i lived and am still living unfortuantly being unable to say no to the man that supposubly loves me and that i just can't hate...
white page
Member
Re: ...
Ashley Kate ,
Of course you love your father , we all need at some point or other to step away from our parents for longer and shorter periods in order to gain autonomy .
the advice your therapist gave you was very sound indeed , you may not be quite ready to follow it , I would suggest that you discuss this with your therapist , so that you can gradually work towards this . perhaps at first not going every time to see him , but communicating with him by telephone instead at the time you would be seeing him .
It really is a good idea , now or in the future to have a break from seeing him
, this will help you to strengthen your defenses and give you the capacity to say no , saying no , doesn't mean that you will stop loving him .
Ashley Kate ,
Of course you love your father , we all need at some point or other to step away from our parents for longer and shorter periods in order to gain autonomy .
the advice your therapist gave you was very sound indeed , you may not be quite ready to follow it , I would suggest that you discuss this with your therapist , so that you can gradually work towards this . perhaps at first not going every time to see him , but communicating with him by telephone instead at the time you would be seeing him .
It really is a good idea , now or in the future to have a break from seeing him
, this will help you to strengthen your defenses and give you the capacity to say no , saying no , doesn't mean that you will stop loving him .
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