Laurie
Member
I am not sure if I should have posted this here since it's kind of a life issue but I think it's psychological too and maybe someone can show me where I'm just not thinking about all this the way I should be. I think I'm my own worst enemy in this case but I've exhausted everything I can think of to resolve this and I am just blank.
I've abbreviated this as much as I can since the whole picture perspective is really what matters and not the details so much. I feel like I need to force myself to accept a lifestyle that I don't want. Maybe I'm just lazy and this is just the way life is and I've been spared it so far. Please tell me if this is the case.
K is my daughter.
Typical schedule Monday through Saturday:
(Sunday is church and taking K to work (most of the time) and then church again that night)
3:30 am get up get K's breakfast ready and take her to work
4:30 am go back to bed. Try to relax and sleep usually sleep about 1/2 hour before I get up at 6:00 or 6:30 depending on how disciplined I think I can be.
6:30 (usually not that disciplined) feel run over, must get up and get ready for work anyway. Want to put myself together so I feel stronger to get through the day. Get ready, eat (if I have time)
7:30 go to work.
8:00 - 5:00 get through the day at work. Try to complete something even with all the interruptions. Try to insert 2nd job assignments if I can so have less hours to put in at night. Try to focus have a really hard time with it.
5:00 go pick up K and grab food to go takes about 1 1/2 hours to get home
6:30 pets the cats (best part of the day), do laundry, dishes, fix breakfast for next day, water plants, etc complete second job duties, get to bed by 10:00 if possible usually not. Usually don't get all this done and it piles on to each day. Plus need to pay bills, personal study, etc. that never gets done.
Variations sometimes K doesn't have to be at work until 5:30 am (instead of 4:15am)
Sometimes K doesn't get out of school until 7:00 or 8:00 or 9:00 pm so we're up late no matter what. On Saturdays K's work is at various times of the day it just cuts up the day being taxi.
Working on:
Trying to find a place to move out of Mom's house into my own. Don't have the money for moving expenses so need to find a loan that isn't too high interest even though credit will be much, much better in only 4 months (why can't this just wait a little longer?). Then I can refinance my car loan hopefully, in spite of this additional loan for moving expenses. And all of this is for the smallest place I can find. All of this is very emotional too cause I've always lived with Mom and shared expenses while raising my daughter.
Don't have the money for any food when I move, so asked for more hours with my second job and looking for another job to add to the already crazy schedule. When will this end? Just shoot me now.
Trying to find the time to exercise and juice (vege) more always feel tired, and like I'm pushing to the very limits of my emotions, brain power, energy, sanity. The only way to do this is not to do some of the night chores which then creates another domino affect of responsibilities that are not getting done which creates even more stress. The juicing and exercise will help me think better and do more but usually too tired to discipline myself to do it. Vicious circle.
Issues:
Always tired, don't like life this way, never get enough done to feel satisfied or accomplished with the day. Always mentally fatigued realize this is all in my head. Why can't I find a way to like life like this. I'm sure it will not last forever and I know it would help me in the meantime. And many people have it so much worse. I'm too tired to work on personal goals, or business goals or just sit and be. Just think and process. I really need this kind of time and never have it. Always feel pulled into so many directions and don't do any of them well. Just barely getting the minimum of everything done.
Emotional issues of not thinking Mom will be ok on her own. She's getting older and I worry, but I have to let go. She will probably do much better than I will. Why don't I like this? I should be excited to finally have my own home. But I don't have the money to live on my own and that scares me cause I have to do it anyway.
Emotional issues of my 23 year old daughter growing up and away from me. Can't seem to find any comfort in her decisions lately. They seem very irresponsible and unhealthy. I want good things for her and it's so hard to watch her do destructive things. It's been very hard on her to live with my Mom for so long and she has lost faith in me and it's making her reckless in her needs to escape home.
Not comfortable or trusting of men, yet, would like a friend in my life right now. But then I don't feel like I would be able to contribute much to the friendship either so I never open myself up to anyone. It feels much safer here but is getting too much to be so alone lately.
I should be ashamed of myself. I know many people have it much worse than I do and I'm very blessed for so many things. I have family, pets, a job, a home, a car, we're all healthy enough to work each day. Many don't have these things. I need to make changes in my attitude and my schedule but I don't know where there is room for movement. I go through each day and I smile and treat people well and help others (which is another blessing as it helps take my mind off myself) and then resent myself for this strength. I want to just fall apart and stop everything and I can't seem to give up. Ridiculous. I can't believe I feel this way, and yet, I do. But I'm also grateful for my ability to tuck myself away through the day and deal with others I think it's scaring me to be able to rise above this and yet that's what I want to do. I don't understand these contradictory feelings. And they are not very nice either or mature or responsible.
Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest.
I've abbreviated this as much as I can since the whole picture perspective is really what matters and not the details so much. I feel like I need to force myself to accept a lifestyle that I don't want. Maybe I'm just lazy and this is just the way life is and I've been spared it so far. Please tell me if this is the case.
K is my daughter.
Typical schedule Monday through Saturday:
(Sunday is church and taking K to work (most of the time) and then church again that night)
3:30 am get up get K's breakfast ready and take her to work
4:30 am go back to bed. Try to relax and sleep usually sleep about 1/2 hour before I get up at 6:00 or 6:30 depending on how disciplined I think I can be.
6:30 (usually not that disciplined) feel run over, must get up and get ready for work anyway. Want to put myself together so I feel stronger to get through the day. Get ready, eat (if I have time)
7:30 go to work.
8:00 - 5:00 get through the day at work. Try to complete something even with all the interruptions. Try to insert 2nd job assignments if I can so have less hours to put in at night. Try to focus have a really hard time with it.
5:00 go pick up K and grab food to go takes about 1 1/2 hours to get home
6:30 pets the cats (best part of the day), do laundry, dishes, fix breakfast for next day, water plants, etc complete second job duties, get to bed by 10:00 if possible usually not. Usually don't get all this done and it piles on to each day. Plus need to pay bills, personal study, etc. that never gets done.
Variations sometimes K doesn't have to be at work until 5:30 am (instead of 4:15am)
Sometimes K doesn't get out of school until 7:00 or 8:00 or 9:00 pm so we're up late no matter what. On Saturdays K's work is at various times of the day it just cuts up the day being taxi.
Working on:
Trying to find a place to move out of Mom's house into my own. Don't have the money for moving expenses so need to find a loan that isn't too high interest even though credit will be much, much better in only 4 months (why can't this just wait a little longer?). Then I can refinance my car loan hopefully, in spite of this additional loan for moving expenses. And all of this is for the smallest place I can find. All of this is very emotional too cause I've always lived with Mom and shared expenses while raising my daughter.
Don't have the money for any food when I move, so asked for more hours with my second job and looking for another job to add to the already crazy schedule. When will this end? Just shoot me now.
Trying to find the time to exercise and juice (vege) more always feel tired, and like I'm pushing to the very limits of my emotions, brain power, energy, sanity. The only way to do this is not to do some of the night chores which then creates another domino affect of responsibilities that are not getting done which creates even more stress. The juicing and exercise will help me think better and do more but usually too tired to discipline myself to do it. Vicious circle.
Issues:
Always tired, don't like life this way, never get enough done to feel satisfied or accomplished with the day. Always mentally fatigued realize this is all in my head. Why can't I find a way to like life like this. I'm sure it will not last forever and I know it would help me in the meantime. And many people have it so much worse. I'm too tired to work on personal goals, or business goals or just sit and be. Just think and process. I really need this kind of time and never have it. Always feel pulled into so many directions and don't do any of them well. Just barely getting the minimum of everything done.
Emotional issues of not thinking Mom will be ok on her own. She's getting older and I worry, but I have to let go. She will probably do much better than I will. Why don't I like this? I should be excited to finally have my own home. But I don't have the money to live on my own and that scares me cause I have to do it anyway.
Emotional issues of my 23 year old daughter growing up and away from me. Can't seem to find any comfort in her decisions lately. They seem very irresponsible and unhealthy. I want good things for her and it's so hard to watch her do destructive things. It's been very hard on her to live with my Mom for so long and she has lost faith in me and it's making her reckless in her needs to escape home.
Not comfortable or trusting of men, yet, would like a friend in my life right now. But then I don't feel like I would be able to contribute much to the friendship either so I never open myself up to anyone. It feels much safer here but is getting too much to be so alone lately.
I should be ashamed of myself. I know many people have it much worse than I do and I'm very blessed for so many things. I have family, pets, a job, a home, a car, we're all healthy enough to work each day. Many don't have these things. I need to make changes in my attitude and my schedule but I don't know where there is room for movement. I go through each day and I smile and treat people well and help others (which is another blessing as it helps take my mind off myself) and then resent myself for this strength. I want to just fall apart and stop everything and I can't seem to give up. Ridiculous. I can't believe I feel this way, and yet, I do. But I'm also grateful for my ability to tuck myself away through the day and deal with others I think it's scaring me to be able to rise above this and yet that's what I want to do. I don't understand these contradictory feelings. And they are not very nice either or mature or responsible.
Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest.
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