Missed Link
Member
Hi all. I am so very afraid. My mind is all over the place. Emotions & mind are raging, energy high but different than manic energy. Different than mixed episode. My mood swings usually last 5 to 7 days then have 2+ weeks of "normal". This is different. Started as mixed episode for almost a week then morphed. Meanwhile, for weeks I've been seeing or hearing things that aren't there, patterns of faces in popcorn textured ceiling, seeing the shapes of animals formed by trees, hearing a voice in my head making a comment occasionally. Sometimes, but rare it's audible. I hear radio or tv playing in a far off room that's not there--the house is quiet or it's different than what my husband has on in the living room. I want to be alone but it feels different than the bipolar swing desire for isolation. Over the past year, I've had bipolar swings and have learned to face them and deal with them and function on a normal level--sometimes irritable, sometimes depressed inside, but functioning normally. Sometimes my hubby can't even tell--I've acquired good skills. What is scary is the intense focus and control that I learned over the past year isn't enough for this new *thing*. THIS IS DIFFERENT & I'm TERRIFIED. I can't control it. The anxiety can't be touched by even 1.5 mg of Clonazepam. I'm very sensitive to meds--it should have taken me down. Didn't touch this. I had strange ideas and delusions, hallucinations of various types intermittently since childhood--never told anyone. I lied about most of the questions when sent for a psych assessment in 2007 when my MD realized something was wrong (maybe depression). The diagnosis was depression because I admitted to being sad and wanting isolation, etc. Later, mood swings grew intense, thus the bipolar dx. Nearly all meds and combinations failed. Two that worked caused terrible TD & a bad case of gastritis & esophogitis--my regular MD forbid me to take them anymore. My Pdoc gave me Saphris to take when I feel my skills might not be enough--I was going to try it for this different wierd episode but my cardiologist was horrified and forbid it--so now my Pdoc & cardiologist are having a serious discussion about what I can & can't take. Meanwhile, I'm having trouble convincing myself to hang on. It's taking all my strength to try to care anymore. If the Saphris might kill me I wouldn't be afraid--having a stroke and being trapped with a sick mind in a broken body would be a living nightmare. I'd take it if the risk was just possible death and no stroke. I had one stroke last year and thank God there were no residual damages.
So now, I'm experiencing hallucinations of different types more often and a rage where I want to break and destroy things. Sometimes I hate being around people. I never liked conversation a whole lot, unless in a very rare happy hypomanic state. I usually find it hard to make conversation but I've forced myself to try. I tell myself terrible things like "you must die!" I see visions of drowning myself in our pool. I see my Psychiatrist on Wed. 6/15 and I'm afraid of what he might tell me--that it is more than bipolar. Schizoaffective?? What should I do? What should I say? How should I organize my thoughts on paper to discuss with him in a manner that he will find helpful? I am terrified. Does anyone know what might be happening--any advice on how to approach my doctor?
So now, I'm experiencing hallucinations of different types more often and a rage where I want to break and destroy things. Sometimes I hate being around people. I never liked conversation a whole lot, unless in a very rare happy hypomanic state. I usually find it hard to make conversation but I've forced myself to try. I tell myself terrible things like "you must die!" I see visions of drowning myself in our pool. I see my Psychiatrist on Wed. 6/15 and I'm afraid of what he might tell me--that it is more than bipolar. Schizoaffective?? What should I do? What should I say? How should I organize my thoughts on paper to discuss with him in a manner that he will find helpful? I am terrified. Does anyone know what might be happening--any advice on how to approach my doctor?
