Am I heading to relapse?

[Yuray]

All my reasons for not buying, seemed to just fly out the window.

It would be a good idea to find out why the window is open, and how best to close it.

I called the dealer

Perhaps others would be interested in the number......the police. The dealer(s) is a slimebag

I don't know that I could face life without being able to escape as I do.

A lot of us feel that way, but the road to rock bottom is not a pleasant alternative.

when I ended up in rehab before, my relationship with my partner changed dramatically and I know that she will lose what little respect she has for me and we will not be able to salvage our relationship.

Food for thought...how much respect for you will she lose if you don't quit? Is you partner so severe that she can't offer compassion and assistance? If you both go to counselling, you both may be rewarded.

Addiction is ruthless. Its a free ticket to offend, steal, hurt, manipulate, lie, undermine, deceive, and most important, addiction allows one to justify and validate the aforementioned undesireable traits. Heres another kicker......"I am in control of the habit that controls me".

Nancy Reagan minimilized addiction in three easy words......."just say no".........what she didn't say was "how" to say "no".

Rock bottom is not a pleasant place to be, and you don't seem to be near it yet Des, but surprisingly, rock bottom does have a population of many who have readjusted their entire existance to accomodate it. They will crawl through miles of sewer just to beg to buy. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

[Des]

Hi, thanks for your responses.

I really don't mean to sound as if I am in denial and I do realize that I need help, but I honestly am not able to confide in anyone. I am afraid to say that my partner has no compassion when it comes to my drug use and she won't understand.
I genuinely am stuck with not being able to share my fear that I won't be able to quit again.

I know I have to get rid of the dealer's number but each time I think of doing it, I feel very anxious and I rationalize keeping it, just incase I need it some other time. I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, but that is what prevents me from actually getting rid of his number.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[Yuray]

Hello Des

Sounds like you're in the ' between a rock and a hard place" scenario.

I just don't know what to do.

I think you do know what needs to be done but are unsure, and afraid perhaps how to do it. With all the alternatives you have been provided with in this thread you have options to choose from. No one is going to write another response in here and offer the "magic easy painless solution". This is crunch time.

I genuinely am stuck with not being able to share my fear that I won't be able to quit again

If you ask anyone who has recovered, they will say the same thing. Being 'stuck' is a choice. I know it seems hopeless to be where you are, but it doesn't have to be a life sentence.

I rationalize keeping it, just in case I need it some other time.

As long as you can rationalize something this detrimental to you..................(feel free to finish this sentence anyone) (including you Des)!

Recovery is a painful miserable road with rewards not evident in the beginning. When you can look at your reflection in a mirror, and between tears and sniffles, say to the reflection " I love you", you can begin the release from addiction. You are the only one that counts. This has to be done for yourself, not others.


A friend was working on her doctoral thesis. She was taking far too long. The professor asked her what the problem was. She said she was trying to get it 'right'. He said 'quit trying to get it right, just get it wrote'.

 

[forgetmenot]

Only you can take the first step so take it okay call and get yourself into treatment enough stalling just do it okay.

 

[Des]

Thanks for your responses.

I guess in a way I have taken the first step and the only choice I genuinely have with my circumstances. I have finished my supply and I have to do this cold turkey because rehab is not an option for me.
I have almost constant thoughts about buying again and I really didn't realize that I would have such anxiety when I had to delete the dealer's numbers and when I used the last of my supply.

 

[forgetmenot]

YOu keep saying rehab is not an option it is the ONLY option that will get you clean and keep you clean

 

[David Baxter PhD]

YOu keep saying rehab is not an option it is the ONLY option that will get you clean and keep you clean

I am inclined to agree with Violet.

 

[Jazzey]

I agree with Violet also.

 

[Yuray]

I guess in a way I have taken the first step and the only choice I genuinely have with my circumstances.

A good start! The fact that you are in here talking is also a good start.

 

[Des]

I can't get into rehab and I am sorry if it appears as if I am in denial and just not trying.

I hoped for some support and guidance, as sometimes a person does not have all the options open to them.

Thanks anyway for your responses to now.

 

[Yuray]

Hi Des

Rehab is not always the answer to addiction. Lots of people overcome addiction without rehab. I understand your reluctance, and the reasons for it.

As for support and guidance, we have all done our best. Now that you know how we all see your situation, in time some of the things we said may sink in. Rather than a knee jerk rehab alternative, you should talk to someone in person though, even a homeless drug addict will do. At least talking to the homeless drug addict will show you the road you may be heading down, and give you time for a course change. Good luck Des.

 

[forgetmenot]

Why can't you get into detox that is what these programs are for to help people like you who are struggling. We are here to support you and i think it is great you keep posting and reaching out for help. You know how hard it is these addictions you stated that yourself. To get professional help will mean you can stay clean and get coping skills that will help you for life
Can you talk to your GP and maybe get on some medication that helps decrease your want for your drug. Revia or another medication that will help decrease your urge to use. There is help out there you have to want to reach out and get it. Doing it on your own it very very hard I hope you come to understand that getting help for you is a good thing.

 

[HotthenCold]

I heard a really good analogy in A.A the other day regarding us addicts ever being able to just enjoy a substance if we've admitted were addicted to it:

A pickle can never go back to being a cucumber. And the only thing left for a pickle to become is relish.

I.E- once you're pickled (an addict), that's it. You're an addict and have to avoid the substance if you wish to remain in control of your life.


All the best <3