Am I running away from something potentially good?

[Eunoia]

How do I know whether I'm not actually running away from a relationship or whether it comes down to that I don't actually like the other person in "that way"? I find that we can talk for hours and he's smart and athletic and just seems like a generally "good guy". But when we talk in person every 3rd sentence tends to be an argument of some sort. I feel like I have to justify what I say, so I end up getting sort of annoyed, he thinks it's cute I guess? It is very obvious that this guy likes me but I find that this makes the situation so difficult, b/c even if I were to give things a chance and see where they go to figure out if I like him, I find that no matter what I would do or say would give him the wrong message.

With everything going on right now in my life, the last thing I want is added stress, and by no means should a relationship come down to this. But I also know that I tend to run away from things and I think I'm just too scared of all the "if's"... I worry a lot about what would happen down the road, w/ him finding out about things, and I know that if he's really worth it he'd make an effort to understand, but I don't feel it's "fair" to even enter a relationship w/ all of these issues.... is it??? I've done this in the past too, where I thought that it's not "fair" to be w/ someone b/c of whatever issue was part of my life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This is two questions, Eunoia.

How do I know whether I'm not actually running away from a relationship or whether it comes down to that I don't actually like the other person in "that way"? I find that we can talk for hours and he's smart and athletic and just seems like a generally "good guy". But when we talk in person every 3rd sentence tends to be an argument of some sort. I feel like I have to justify what I say, so I end up getting sort of annoyed, he thinks it's cute I guess? It is very obvious that this guy likes me but I find that this makes the situation so difficult, b/c even if I were to give things a chance and see where they go to figure out if I like him, I find that no matter what I would do or say would give him the wrong message.

Are you saying that if you talk in a group it's OK but with just the two of you it gets argumentative? Or are you contrasting chatting online or via telephone vs. in person? It may be that the dynamics change when it's just the two of you so that it becomes competitive... either way, I'm not sure if you find him aggravating now that you're going to change your mind if you get closer or romanticly involved with him. You don't have to be "in a relationship" with every one of your friends, of course. And the fact that he "likes" you doesn't obligate you to feel the same, of course.

But I also know that I tend to run away from things and I think I'm just too scared of all the "if's"... I worry a lot about what would happen down the road, w/ him finding out about things, and I know that if he's really worth it he'd make an effort to understand, but I don't feel it's "fair" to even enter a relationship w/ all of these issues.... is it??? I've done this in the past too, where I thought that it's not "fair" to be w/ someone b/c of whatever issue was part of my life.

This issue of fairness is perhaps more common than you might think. I;ve encountered that in my own relationships and my response is this: You have the right to decide if you don't want to be in a relationship with me - that is of course fully your choice and I have no right to pressure you to make any other decision. There might be any number of reasons why you feel it isn't working for you and you'd rather leave the relationship. But... and this is a very important "but"... you do NOT have the right to make that decision for me. If I decide that whatever issues you have are too much for me to handle or that I believe that being in a relationshop with you is more effort or responsibility than I think I'm willing to commit to, then that is my decision - it is not up to you to make that decision for me and it is extremely unfair of you to try to do so.

 

[Eunoia]

well 1st I thought that we tend to argue more when we talk face to face versus on the phone or msn.. but then I thought about it and actually, we always argue one or the other way. I mean it's not constant back and forth, there are parts of just "normal" conversation in there, but I find that this is very different from the way I interact w/ other people. It might be competitiveness, b/c I think I have very strong opinions about things and so does he and neither one of us will back down. But what gets annoying is when he "argues" about the little details, things that really don't matter... he is very persistent, wanting to know my schedule from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep... which is weird I find, even though it could just be him showing interest. When we were together w/ some of my friends they actually called us on arguing a lot with each other. I've only known him since one mth or so btw. I know that I don't have to be "in a relationship" w/ him, and I know I'm not obligated to be so either. But again, how can I find out if I know he will take things the wrong way?

are you saying that I have the right to say that I don't want to be w/ someone b/c of whichever reason, ie. current problems, but that it's up to him to decide whether he wants to be w/ me or if it's too much b/c of these things? so I could decide to enter a relationship if I want to, as long as the other person decides for himself that he's okay w/ things, and not me deciding for him that it's too much? If that's what you meant, then that makes sense. It's tricky, b/c I still feel "guilty" in that sense even if he or anyone else were to decide it's okay w/ them.... I would never expect anyone to be okay w/ things or to accept me for who I am, so if the other person were to decide that it's just too much I wouldn't try to change his mind.

 

[Diana]

Relationships - there's definitely something to be said for "going with your gut". Now, it's not that I don't believe in giving people a chance. And, it's not that I don't believe in being able to accept someone's faults. But, instead of thinking so much about how much this guy likes you and is making an effort to spend time with you, stop and think about how you feel inside - does it seem "right" to you? Are you comfortable? Does it bother you that he wants to know your entire schedule and he's only known you for a month? I mean, I don't know this guy so I'm not trying to say he's really controlling or anything, but how do you feel about him? You know him.
If I were you, I wouldn't feel guilty about starting a relationship with someone just because you have problems. I started 2 relationships after I started recovering from anorexia and neither of the guys knew at the beginning. Because the relationship progressed, I eventually told them. By that point they weren't going to break up with me based on that. But, if the relationship had never progressed for OTHER reasons, then they never would have known about it, and that's fine. Maybe you have problems, but some people have characteristics about them that are quite negative that are discovered later in a relationship. You can't know everything about someone in the beginning. It's no fun being hurt, but if you think someone is worth the effort to try a relationship then go for it. So, is he worth it? How do you feel? I realize that sometimes it's our feelings and emotions that get us into trouble, but I really think we have to trust our feelings sometimes.

 

[Eunoia]

I guess there's always the fear of them rejecting you no matter how good things are or have been, if they were to find out..... I mean, why would someone willingly stay in a relationship given these things... it always comes down to chossing btwn what I know and then the unknown... and most of the time the 1st one wins.

 

[Eunoia]

sigh...I have to say I don't know whether I made the right decision. I know that I chose for him. And I now understand that that maybe wasn't fair. But I didn't really think it was fair of me to put this on him... and I was scared of someone I guess, actually liking me this quickly... espec. if things arent' really too high in the "liking land" here....

yes, it did bother me that he seems so pushy, not in a bad way, just "too interested" if there is such a thing. I ended up telling him that I was very busy right now etc. and I guess he got the hint, but I didn't say I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I only said not like this, not now.... so we didn't talk for a while and then today he seemed very distant... pretty much said the same thing back to me... and made it obvious that he has other options. I know it was the right decision to make but I'm mad at myself for always running away from things, especially if they could be good, just because I am scared. Running seems easier than taking the chance to find out and then being hurt in the end. How do I stop doing this???? How do I let myself be vulnerable but not too vulnerable so that when things do go wrong, I won't be broken in pieces???? Honestly, though, WHY would someone want to be in a relationship like this????? Why don't I tell my friends about things? For the exact same reason. ???????????????????????