Anger following a traumatic accident

[Lost_Lady]

Hi,

I am new here. I wondering if I am posting in the right spot. I am wondering if my husband is suffering from PTSD. About 9mos ago he had an accident and fell about 30feet and broke both his legs. Since then he has a great attitude and can walk (but with difficulty) He has had a second surgery and will need one more. My husband will not be able to be in his line of work again and I know that is bugging him. He is able to go back to school and he said that is a great oportunity for him. What my concern is that he is very angry lately towards me. I have been there for him every step of the way and so has his family. He only seems to take it out on me. It can be small things or big things. He takes things the wrong way. I would like to know what I can do to help him. I have suffered briefly from PTSD after a car accident 7yrs ago. I really would like to help him. I am having a hard time with him being angry towards me. I am the only one who can work in the house and I am very stressed out myself. Any ideas or sudgestions would be wonderful.

Thanks Lost_Lady

 

[Cat Dancer]

Wow, it sounds like a bad accident. It's good that he is recovering.

How does he take his anger out on you?

I am not sure about the PTSD. Someone else can probably better answer that for you.

 

[ThatLady]

You husband may need some therapy, and possibly some medication, to help him adjust to the changes this accident has brought about. It sounds like he's putting a brave face on things, while internalizing his grief and fear. When the inner demons get too big, he takes it out on you.

Have you tried asking him to see a counsellor, possibly as a couple? That way, you could both benefit.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In our culture, men and boys often try to put on a "John Wayne" mask where in the face of anxiety or fear or pain he believes he is supposed to bite the bullet, hide it inside. It takes a lot of effort to do this, though -- it's mentally and physically exhausting -- and after a while the fatigue and the accumulated frustration and worry and pain may come out as irritability or anger.

I agree with ThatLady -- it would help him to see a counsellor and if he's reluctant to go on his own ask him to go with you to help you learn how to cope with things better.

 

[Lost_Lady]

Hi Janetr and thatlady,

Thank you for your responses. I have not asked him to go to see a counsellor because he does not think that will help him and that he does not need the help. My husband is very stubborn when it comes to that kind of thing. We tried going before for some other issues about 8yrs back and theat really did not work. I agree that he is putting on a brave face.

When he gets angry he yells and blames things on me. I try to talk but he just gets louder.There is no such thing as having a conversation with him anymore. He says that I don't understand what he is going through.But I do..I may not have had the same thing happen but I have been there every step of the way every day. I am getting to the point where I am stressed out because everything is always about him.

His side of the family does not say hey how are YOU doing? Is there something I can do for YOU? I am a very strong woman but I do have my emotional limits. I don't like being screamed at. I can tell him something and he thinks I am lieing to him. He gets angry because of money issues..I can only work so much (as we have 1car and a child we drive to school every day and have to drive him to all his physio/dr appts)

Sorry..I am going on and on. What brought this on is that he was mad today because I could not get him somthing big for x-mas. He bought me a beautiful ring (first time he ever bought me one in a long time) I took it off and put it on the table and said..take it back if it helps I don't need this right now, you decide what you would like to do with it. He took this as I hated it and that it was an insult (he was getting mad and throwing an inner tempertantrum because he was being selfish...and that is what he said..the selfish part) He threw my ring and it broke...the stone came out someplace as it hit the wall as he threw it at me. This of course has made me very upset...
I did not give him the ring back to say I DON"T LIKE IT...I gave it to him to help if he needed money. (We don't have alot so I was unaware how much he spent on it) I just really wanted him to not get angry and to make a money decision...but he took it wrong. Then he went through a phase of calling me a fat... #$%#$#!! I asked him to leave because he was upsetting me and our daughter.

the thing is he never says sorry to me directly or his daughter...just kinda calls it out in mid air..do you know what I mean?

I told him that if there was something that I could do for him I really would help him get better and fix his legs (which have tons of metal plates in them now) This upset him (but in a way that is frustraing to him)

I am sorry for going on and on..I have run out of ideas and who to talk to. He is super nice to his family and to my family but just takes things out on me.

Lost_Lady

 

[Cat Dancer]

It is very hard when you see that someone needs help and you try to help them and it's unwelcome. Him throwing the ring at you and yelling at you must be very, very hard to take. I can relate to those things and to the calling names. What do you do when those things happen?

And I know about the not saying sorry and the being nice to everyone else.

Have you thought about counseling for yourself, to help you deal with things?

Oh, and welcome and please share whatever you need to and don't worry about going on and on. You didn't. You sound like you need some support.

 

[Lost_Lady]

It is very hard when you see that someone needs help and you try to help them and it's unwelcome. Him throwing the ring at you and yelling at you must be very, very hard to take. I can relate to those things and to the calling names. What do you do when those things happen?

I walk away...I was crying in our room after this happend and he thinks it is silly when I cry. That really hurt my feelings. After a while if I feel better I will try to talk to him. Usualy this does not help..so much like what I am doing now I just stay away from him for the night/day.

And I know about the not saying sorry and the being nice to everyone else.

would be nice if he said it once to my face along with a hug and actualy sitting down to talk to me

Have you thought about counseling for yourself, to help you deal with things?

I have thought about it..need to find time..ha ha never have time for me..feel depressed some days
Oh, and welcome and please share whatever you need to and don't worry about going on and on. You didn't. You sound like you need some support.

Thank you, I do need some support..feel very sad today.

 

[ThatLady]

Hon, if he won't accept counselling or help, you're in for a really hard time. This isn't going to get any better until HE does something about it. With the kids in the house, as well, you have more to think about than just yourself.

Do you have any family that you might be able to spend a few days with? Perhaps, if your husband sees that his behaviors, and refusal to seek help, might leave him on his own, he'll wise up and start taking responsibility for himself.

 

[Lost_Lady]

Hon, if he won't accept counselling or help, you're in for a really hard time. This isn't going to get any better until HE does something about it. With the kids in the house, as well, you have more to think about than just yourself.

Do you have any family that you might be able to spend a few days with? Perhaps, if your husband sees that his behaviors, and refusal to seek help, might leave him on his own, he'll wise up and start taking responsibility for himself.

I will have to drag him there then ..It will take a ton of convincing him that he should talk to someone.

I don't have family to stay with ..they all live here but it is too stressful for our daughter (and myself) to go stay some other place. I will just start doing things more on my own time without him. Leaving him by himself does nothing (been donwn the road before) That would just cause a problem in our relationship (more so then now) I am trying to see if his family will talk to him about this..that would wise him up a bit.

 

[HA]

Hi Lost_Lady,

Your situation is very stressful.

I am a very strong woman but I do have my emotional limits. I don't like being screamed at. I can tell him something and he thinks I am lieing to him. He gets angry because of money issues..

I have a couple of thoughts...

As you said, you don't like the screaming, anger and distrust but something needs to be done or it will continue as it is. Maybe you could wait for him to be in a receptive mood and tell him honestly that you are having a really hard time dealing with his angry outbursts, that something needs to be done because he is not happy and neither are you. Ask him for suggestions. What does he think he can do to help the situation and what does he think you can do to help the situation?

Since you feel that he would not see a therapist on his own then suggest he talk to his family doctor about his angry moods. If this is not an option then talk to his doctor yourself and explain the situation. The doctor may address this issue with him.

Some thoughts that may spur other ideas and just wanted to say welcome.

 

[ThatLady]

If you can get his family's help in convincing him that he needs help to deal with the difficulties he's facing, that would be great. He's just got to understand that he needs help, and that he cannot keep taking out his anger and grief on you and your daughter. That's no way to live, and he sure wouldn't like it if he was on the receiving end of what he's dishing out.

His accident was a terrible piece of luck, and I really feel sorry that it happened to him. However, it did, and that can't be changed. Yelling at you isn't going to bring his legs back. His life has changed, whether he wanted it to or not, and he needs to start doing his best to make lemonade out of lemons.

 

[Lost_Lady]

Hi ThatLady

Yelling at you isn't going to bring his legs back. His life has changed, whether he wanted it to or not, and he needs to start doing his best to make lemonade out of lemons.

I agree..for the most part 90% of the time he has such a great attitude that even the Dr's are amazed at how well he handles it. His last surgery took him 1.5mnths to recover and normal it is 3mos. He is amazing when it comes to that. Maybe I am missing something? He still has both his legs just with a lot of plates in them.

Ask him for suggestions. What does he think he can do to help the situation and what does he think you can do to help the situation?

Hi Heart,
I think that this is a good idea. I just have to get him to talk when he is not in a bad mood with me. He will tell me that nothing is wrong most of the time and that if something bugs him he will let me know.

Thank you both for the ideas.. )
I am not to sure if it is PTSD that he has ...don't wan't to post on the wrong board.
Maybe I am just really stressed out? ( I know I am) Thank you for listening and letting me vent

 

[HA]

Of course you're stressed out, I would be.

If you think that PTSD may be the cause of his behaviour then maybe suggesting it would get him to look at seeking help from his doctor. If you yourself had experienced this from an accident then he may consider listening to you and getting checked out.

Here is a selftest he could fill out and some further reading on PTSD.
http://www.adaa.org/Public/selftest_PTSD.htm
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA

If not PTSD then perhaps depression is what he's dealing with.
Depression Test
http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/depression.htm

 

[Lost_Lady]

Thank you Heart for the links... )

I had a chat with with my husband today and he thinks it is a good idea to go..I told him that I would go with him if he would like. I think both of us will go. Now it is a matter of finding time to go...have to work around work and physio and Dr.s Appts ..it will be done.

In our culture, men and boys often try to put on a "John Wayne" mask where in the face of anxiety or fear or pain he believes he is supposed to bite the bullet, hide it inside. It takes a lot of effort to do this, though -- it's mentally and physically exhausting -- and after a while the fatigue and the accumulated frustration and worry and pain may come out as irritability or anger

Thank you for pointing this out..I find that my husband likes to hide his feelings alot so that I won't stress out..I believe that he is expressing it as anger.

Lost_Lady