Anger, rage - how to contain it in my little blue box again?

[ladybug1966]

I'm not sure how to get started with all of this. Talking, sharing into a new place isn't easy so I admire everyone here that's doing it and has shared.

Anyway, I guess I'll just type. I am relatively new to this whole anger phase. I never have been an angry person (or it's all been buried inside) and I've always kept everything to myself. Then, a few months ago, I all the sudden started having these huge feelings of internal rage. Anything could set me off: someone cutting me off, someone that is walking in front me that is walking too slow, someone that's showing disrespect to me, etc. I mean I would immediately just get out of that situation to be alone and just scream, lash out, and find anything to hit (sometimes it was me..) or lash out at (it was never someone else.) It was either internal, in my car, or I'd just write it down and rip it up. I would tell my pdoc/T about this and we would talk it out, as I know deep down where some of my anger comes from and who I really am angry at, etc., but I never have really been able to confront it. So, that's when my T told me I was too angry to really see things and that he needed to discharge me from his care until I understood my anger and had it under control. (That's another story, but of course that just made me feel more angry, alone, betrayed, etc.) Anyway, I kind-of understand my anger and can control it to an extent. I am back to seeing that T (another story) off and on, but today I got so infuriated at someone for no reason to them. I stormed out of the bank, drove my car as fast I could running red lights (Secretly thinking unsafe thoughts) and ending up pulling over, punching my windows, crying, and then called the national crisis line - which didn't help, she said things that I am trained to say and could have said to myself. I just feel so angry I can't stand it and then can't stand myself, but want someone to talk to, but then get frustrated because they are trying to help, but sheesh. Does any of this make any sense?

Why or how does anger get this much control over me? I used to be able to contain all my emotions in a perfect little blue box with a little white bow. Now? I feel like a train wreck. I know there's a lot of pain and turmoil inside, but I am nowhere near a support system and my support system I'm not even sure is a support system. I am also very stressed presently and the lady didn't help, but it wasn't her fault, she was doing her job. I don't know what to do. I am so lost in this so called life trying to put it all back together. Things were fine, now they aren't.

 

[gardens]

Hi Lady,
Boy - I could have written this post myself. I too have issues with anger/rage where I scare myself to the point where I had to call the crisis line...just like you.
Now I really wish that I had a fix for you, but I don't. I don't completely understand this anger - I know some of stems from hurt feelings, but it can be so hard to control.
It's exhausting.
Lean on us here. We may not have easy answers but you can know that you aren't alone.

 

[forgetmenot]

Anger for me is when i am being attacked or not respected made fun off anger shows it self full blown.

I think ones has to somehow walk away at that moment and release the anger in a safe way

Sometime i use anger to my advantage it give me the energy to keep fighting the fight

I think defineltyl talking with your therapist is a good thing.
Although the crisis team was using words you would have said sometimes hearing it form another person helps hun

We all need help no matter what our profession is
When we are reaching out for help we are just someone suffering

I too know all the responses and i say them over and over in my head but sometime hearing them from a caring voice does make a difference to how i hear them. does that make sense

 

[ladybug1966]

Thanks, Gardens. It's good to always know we're not alone; however it sucks to know people feel similarly to me because it's not fun to feel this way. You're definitely right: it is exhausting and hard to control. That's exactly where I am now, beyond the exhaustion point and out of control, but still in control, but not.. (Ehhh... maybe that doesn't make sense..:facepalm haha. Whatever at this point, I take it each minute, hour, and day. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.


I agree, Forgetmenot, that everyone needs help regardless of who they are at some point in their life. I guess I just feel like what I say, do, act is repetitive and ''should'' be fixed by now, so then I get frustrated when I am not ''better'' or ''fixed.'' I certainly don't expect anyone to ''fix'' me and I know this is a 'process,' but there are just certain moments that I can't stand hearing things that I refer to as 'calming down' speak. I think I've just heard or said it so much, that it seems fake to me sometimes. It really just depends on how disconnected I am from myself and my emotions. If I am really angry and detached, there really isn't anything anyone can say (I don't think) that can bring me back. Nothing I have found. I just have to let myself be. If I do get that way in my T's office, he can sometimes work me through it by making me face my emotions, but it takes a while to break the surface. It's quite frustrating to me b/c I'd like to be able to be real and not have this huge guard up all the time. I'd also like to believe and accept a caring voice and trust people when they are trying to help. It's just increasingly hard for me and for some reason, seems to be getting harder or I seem to be getting angrier the more people try (or in my brain "act") like they care.

I really wish I could use my anger as a tool. Sometimes I can and know when it is appropriate. In those times, I am assertive and confident; however, that's normally in the workforce or somewhere that doesn't involve my vulnerability. I guess you can say that my anger, too, is when I feel I am being attacked or disrespected. I do walk away from the situation. I certainly do not blow up in front of anyone. I will internalize until I am by myself and then I just explode. I feel terrified of my own anger and I don't really feel like I've released it all or gotten to the core of it. mg: Eeek!

Thanks for all the feedback, forgetmenot and gardens. I hope you all are well!

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Two questions for ya:

a) Do you have a therapist to discuss this with and who can give you some coping or managing techniques, such as meditation or resources or ideas for changing your thoughts/reactions to your feelings?

b) Why do you try to contain it? Are you afraid of it? You mention you feel you lose control with it, it controls you. See (a)....

My own unprofessional/life experience two cents:
Have you got some healthy way to use it? Like in sports or exercise or art or even gardening/landscaping (heavy lifting and chopping)...

Have you tried to journal how you are feeling, and make sense of it that way. It's so much healthier to get what's bouncing around in your head onto paper... It's like detoxifying. You're drawing out of yourself like a wick and channeling it onto paper so you can process it better. I had some issues like anger that I shared in journal form with my therapist and occasionally my husband (but you don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to)....

Can you channel the anger you have to do something productive, or use for inspiration? For instance, if you were abused you could volunteer at a women's shelter, or if you were neglected as a child you could volunteer at the hospital and read to children...

Hope this helps a little...

 

[ladybug1966]

Hey JollyGreenJellyBean -

I do have a therapist that I discuss all of this with; however I haven't been seeing him as often recently, but we are working on trying to get me to react differently or accept my emotions in a different manner/manage them better.

I am afraid of my anger. I feel it is too much, just as I feel if I cry in front of anyone - it'll all be too much for one to handle. That's why I try to contain it all. (Another thing I work on in therapy.)

I do exercise - I run, ride horses, and things like that. Sometimes that's just not enough, I feel like I have to punch something (that just made me think I need a punching bag..) I also journal, but normally journaling for me leads me down a bad road of self-blame, more anger, more pain, and just doesn't help me feel better. I'm not sure how it ends up that way, but 80% of the time it does. It's weird.

I do volunteer (well I did before I had to move back in with my mother a few months ago). I volunteered with numerous organizations. Maybe I need to reach out and see what organizations I can find around here. That's a good idea. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Take care, JollyGreenJellyBean! and thanks again.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

(I like ladybugs, too)

I'm glad you have a therapist to discuss that with...

I would love to share with you a book that helped me journal in ways I never would have thought before. If you get the chance to check it out or borrow it from the library, maybe it will change your life the way it changed mine... It's almost a bit like a workshop and has examples of what she is talking about all on the left side of the pages, and what to do and her opinions on the right hand side...

Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest: Christina Baldwin: 9780553352023: Amazon.com: Books -- she uses it mostly for enhancing her writing, but I found it enhanced my mindfulness (as I had issues with handling my emotions as well), opened up my mind to so many creative ways of expressing myself. The only rule is that there are no rules! 8D

Anyway, sounds like you are on a good path and just need to keep following it... Glad I could help a little... 8)

 

[ladybug1966]

Haha - thanks! When I was responding to your first response, I started craving Starburst Jellybeans. lol (Which I don't have, but I do have Skittles, so I grabbed them instead.)

I'll definitely check out that book. I'm always up for a good read/workbook and it sounds interesting. Thanks for sharing.

Have a great night!

 

[heatherly]

Does Your Child's Anger Problem Stem from Nutritional Deficiency? - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

nutrition comes to mind, especially since you were never an angry person.

 

[ladybug1966]

Interesting article - thanks for sharing, Heatherly. I have noticed if I am not drinking enough water, the more irritable I feel, typically b/c that leads to headaches or just an overall feeling of 'blah.' Certainly, that doesn't help mood, but it's not the root of my problem. I think I really am angry about things in my life, but am afraid to confront the anger. Then, certain little petty things will set me off after I've been containing my emotions for so long. I'll just blow up at myself.