Anger Strains a relationship

[Layla]

Hi i need some advice.. if anyone can help out.. me im a very even tempered person .. but my boyfriend.. thats another story.. he and i are in a long distance relationship so we talk on a online voice chat untill we can move close to each other. but we're haveing serious issues. hes got a really short temper. especially when it comes to games. one of the things we do together is play video games online. but he takes them FAR to serious. if i dunno his character dies because i couldn't heal him in time he yells at me over it and gets snappy with me.. he does it all the time.. a day isnt complete without him snapping at me it seems. we fight alot. he snaps at it i give him time he realizes he was being a jerk and got angry over nothing and apologizes profusely.. but that doesnt make the pain in the relationship heal. the fighting is really hurting our relationship. and me.. today he pushed the line for me. i asked him a simple question he blurted out that i was haveing a blonde moment and that i was stupid.. well yah he didnt get away with that. i yelled at him for that and warnd him to NEVER call me stupid again.. im a timid person but i will not stand for someone else calling me names.. especially when its the man i love. he quickly realized what he did and has felt bad alot of today.. im really isck and tired of this. please help me. what can i do to help him manage his anger. ive tried alot of things like leaving the chat for awhile if he yells at me but it doesnt prevent the fights.. what can we do to stop this.. because honostly i tell him i wont give up i tell him we'll find a way. but i dont know how much longer i can handle this emotional abuse.. if he cant get a handle on his anger then i dont know how long we will last.. so please.. someone.. help me. btw dont bother suggesting proffesional help he wont do it.. so in advance... thank you for any hints you can give me to prevent him from getting angry over stupid little things.. oh

ps.. its not JUST games.. he blows up about lots of stuff it just often seems to revolve around games.. and yes an obvious answer would seem to be dont play games together but that doesnt work on 2 lvls and thats our last try.. 1 being a long distance relationship we cant do stuff really.. so playing games together is a way to do stuff together. and 2 it doesnt help him tame his anger so im sure if we stoped the games hed get angry about something else.

again thank you

.. oh one more question.. abuse is a very strong word and i didnt really want to use it but.. well after he called me stupid i said i was so tired of the abuse.. would this be classified as verbal/emotional abuse? the way he treats me.. yelling at me.. saying stuff like that.. i mean...

and i dont want to give you all the wrong idea. hes a great guy hes super sweet and he treats me really well calls me beautifull all the time and such i dont want you to think hes a bad guy hes great.. hes just got a bad temper that can hurt.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The problem is that you really do anything to help him manage his anger - or even WANT to manage his anger. He has to want to change and he has to be the one to do the work to make it happen.

Believe me, this won't just get better on its own. I think you need to tell him that his anger issues and the verbal lashing out and the insults/putdowns (yes that IS verbal abuse) are damaging your relationship. Then give him a choice: Get some counseling for this or start preparing for the end of the relationship, because sooner or later (and I hope for your sake it's sooner) the relationship WILL end if he doesn't make changes. There are lots of anger management programs around. Or there is individual counseling if he doesn't like the idea of groups.

 

[ThatLady]

Personally, having dealt with this issue in my own life, I'd take it one step further. Tell him, unequivocally, that there will BE NO RELATIONSHIP if he doesn't take the responsibility for his behaviors and immediately find anger management classes in which to participate. This WILL get worse, and you don't want to be stuck with someone who doesn't respect himself, much less you. It's a downhill ride to hell, hon.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think you should give some serious thought to getting out of this now. You have some pretty clear warning signs of what it would be like to be with him more. Not everyone has those signs before they get into an abusive relationship.

 

[just mary]

I agree with Janetr and ThatLady, you've described some very serious warning signs and if he's not willing to change/seek help/whatever, I would end the relationship also. It won't get better on it's own.

Take care.