Anger

[Silver]

As my second thread started today, hopefully this highlights my two most prevelent problems and might set my mind at ease for a while. I seem to have an extremely short fuse, the slightest thing can set me off at times. I hold it in alot so not alot of people know about my temper. But sometimes I just can't. About a year ago, I forget what but something outraged me just too much to handle. I held it in and everything became white-hot. I could barely see let alone control my actions. What I did next, I have never done since and intend to never do again if I can help it, I basically tore up my lower arm a little. I know there's no excuse for it, but I seriously got to the point where I could not feel any emotion whatsoever, I needed to feel anything. After I regained control, I was horrified and embarassed about what I had done and was hoping beyond hope that it would leave a scar. It did. Anytime I ever feel like doing it again I just look at it and remember not to. The problem is I still get these times when I get that white-hot out of control feeling still, I know thats not alot of description but I really cannot think of another way to describe it. Maybe it is connected in some way to my fear of having ocd? I don't know, but I doubt it. I can contain my anger quite a bit now and the feeling doesnt do much to me anymore, I found out I could hypnotize myself -believe it or not- In doing so I could order myself down, Meditating also worked for a bit. Both are not helping as well anymore. My martial arts helps in that I can pound on my punching bag for a while but even that doesn't help all that much. Don't get me wrong, I am not a violent person, I have NEVER hit anyone before in my life outside of sparring and I have never purposefully hurt anyone before Most people never even know when I get that angry. But it does worry me in that one day I might just lose it on someone that pushes me beyond the point. This especially worries me since I am planning on becoming a cop. I don't want to do anything that is over the line to anyone, but I am running out of ways to control it. The previous ways I mentioned still do help but not quite as much as they used to.

Thanks for listening guys

 

[Eunoia]

hey Silver... realizing that your anger can get out of control is really the 1st step in doing something about it.. and it sounds like you have found some ways; martial arts, meditating, hypnosis. And you're not physically violent towards others, but the risk is there that if you can't control your emotions that this may happen.. but I understand that you don't want to get to that point. Have you ever tried finding out what triggers your emotions ie. feelings of anger? Is it something someone says, a personal attack, a trigger from the past, just feeling sad and then being annoyed by people etc.??? Also, have you ever taken or looked into anger management classes? They're a great resource and I'm sure they're offering them at a local college or through a community health centre etc. It's worth looking into. Have you ever seen a therapist about this or any other issues? If you have then maybe you could bring this up as a topic of discussion or considering seeing one?

If your previous coping mechanims don't work anymore and you have resorted to self-injury in the past (pulling your arm) then I'd say it'd be a good time to ask for some help w/ this... are you extremely anxious/ stressed lately to make your fuse shorter so to say, bound to end up in anger? Surpressing your feelings from others is only adding to the problem really in that you're unable to express your emotions. Don't be ashamed of what happened or even your feelings, it doesn't make you any less of a deserving person to get help or feel this way.. you just need to find ways to control your anger and maybe not let it get to the point where all you can feel is rage. It's easier said than done, I realize that.

here's some links:
Anger management: how angry are you?
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00073

Controlling anger before it controls you
Control anger before it controls you

 

[Silver]

well, I'm not too positive at what triggers it. I used to think I knew myself so well, now I'm not so sure. I used to have a huge problem with depression, never told anyone about it before now. Not even a friend or friend online. I seriously was almost ready to kill myself more than once, but no longer am I that bad. I got involved with the martial arts, put more concentration in school, and began writing as well. My depression which I feel was pretty severe, although it may not have been quite as bad as I thought, fueled many really good poems. At least good in my opinion. Eventually, maybe I will post a few if any of you show interest. But atm I am sort of straying. As I was saying, my depression seemed to fuel alot of heated arguments between me and others. They would say something completely joking around or just at a time I didnt feel like talking, and I would just snap on them. I think it might have cost me a few friends. That is more the reason I hold it in now. I realize that I hurt people I loved, People I cared about, and I don't need for that to happen again. I used to go to a psych when I was younger, like around 10. I would scratch myself up instead of showing pure anger back then. So I saw him for like 4 months and he did absolutely nothing for me. I stopped scratching and hurting myself but in my mind that was to my own accord, not his.

What is weird, is that the strangest stuff will set me off. I can take an insult or an attack on me without batting an eye. I may say something on the lines of shove off, but thatd be it. I will begin to get angry when people talk about family or friends right in front of me, and even more so when I hear of them talking behind my back, but I suppose that's more than normal. I actually think what It might be is build up. Just the combination of a lot of little things going throughout the day then the wrong person saying the completely wrong thing. I can think of one of the oddest things that will get me angry and I swear I think i am odd and unique in this aspect.. When I like go out to eat or go to work ( I work as a waiter) I will see people just taking alot of food off a buffet or and pigging out, its like watching a pack of lions devouring a fresh kill lol I have no idea why that affects me but it does a little bit. It makes me think of some people with an awful lot of disdain. Greed will get me angry as well, I cannot stand greedy people and I swear that I will easily snap inside at one, despite my polite exterior. I dunno, there are other things but those are the things that seem oddest to me. I guess it falls into your category of being annoyed by people.

Yea I am extremely stressed lately, that does make my fuse a bit shorter, if thats possible lol. Alot of whats stressing me is really what I am up against alone. Its hard to explain really, it deals with my OCD post. Basically when I am driving I will be sure I hit someone, either a pedestrian or a car. This typically causes me to get more stressed. and since I refuse to give in to my feeling of turning around and checking as in actually driving back and forth, it makes it that much worse, that knot I get in my stomach and usually a small headache at that point. By the time I get home, I just run up to my room and depending on how bad the feeling is I may lay down for a while or I may watch tv. Usually I cannot enjoy anything when I just get home right after driving anywhere. When I get to that point, IE when I just get home from driving and am dealing with that junk, I am on a such incredibly short fuse that even someone saying hello to me wrong will set me off and all that. Last time that happened I hit my chair as hard as I could and while it was one of those cushioned chairs, I ended up catching a seam or something which in turn ripped my hand open. It wasn't a bad injury but it only made me about 3x as angry at that point. Which I never ever let out, as I had to leave for work at that point.

Anyway, I've probably talked much longer than you will actually read lol. It just feels good to let out things that no one at all knows about me. Not even my closer friends or parents.

 

[Eunoia]

you know, I've done that too, intentionally pushing people away in the end b/c I was feeling so much pain and everything that they did was just too much- so I snapped. As you said, you end up snapping at people for no "good" or obvious reason.. I did this in particular to one of my best friends and she noticed for sure but didn't say anthing b/c she wanted to give me "space" and would continue talking about "normal" things which would annoy me.. but as soon as she's ask "what's wrong" that would also annoy me b/c I didn't know how to convery to her how bad I was actually feeling and I had no idea why really... luckily I didn't lose her as a friend but it was close.. what people have said to me though, and it makes sense, is that you have to give people a chance... if you can't get through this by yourself they're probably the ones who could lend you social support and might even have some ideas to help you- if you let them.

Silver, you're not in this alone... there's many people out there who have had to deal w/ similar or the same things and many people out there who care about you whether on here and for sure in your life. There's also many people who can help you w/ this, you just have to find the right person. Facing something alone is so much harder but my point is you can choose not to do this alone. I do understand that it's difficult to be in this "alone" or to feel like you are, especially if friends and family don't know... have you ever tried talking to them about this? I would still suggest finding someone else to talk about this too (therapist) it really does sound very OCD related what you've described (the car thing)... keep posting here if it helps you to "sort things out" or just think things through... and yes, I did read it all. )

 

[Silver]

yea, I understand what you are saying. I have tried to talk with friends about it but everytime I start it feels weird, it feels at times like I am complaining or whining and I hate to do that. That is whats stopped me in the past. I will be trying to see someone, but I am not sure that I will be able to. I need to do it anyway to be tested for OCD, but I dont have the spare money at all right now. So, Im just at a loss as to what to do atm. I read through your links though they did help me understand this more than I thought I did.

 

[Eunoia]

the thing w/ telling friends is you have to pick and choose carefully who you trust to disclose information to. some people won't know how to react, but the thing that counts is whether they're willing to listen and try to understand, that's all anyone can really ask from a friend. you could try using specific examples when you talk to a friend, so something like "when you said "x" I was mad b/c it made me feel like ......" or "the other day I had a really rough day and felt very angry b/c...." . You're not complaining or whining when you choose to bring something up w/ a friend, if they were to bring something up w/ you would you think they're complaining or think it's not fair of them to want to talk about things? A person is only whining if s/he always brings up their dissatisfaction w/out ever actually trying to do something about it and expects attention as a result... You have to choose the right time and place though, sometimes people are uncomfortable when other people are around or maybe stressed when they have a lot of things to do, so it's something to consider. Could you write down a few things and bring that piece of paper w/ you so you know what it is you want to say? I've done that for work meetings etc. and it helps a lot, b/c when you're "in the moment" you tend to forget 1/2 of the things otherwise. Or you could even give them your paper/letter.

Who are you going to see for your OCD? A doctor? Psychiatrist? Can you tell them that you want to talk about something else as well? They will probably ask you about aggression though anyways as part of the OCD assessment. Depending on where you're going and willing to look, there are usually some resources for therapy if $ is an issue. Try talking to your doctor about it 1st and then maybe contacting some local mental health agencies and seeing which programs they offer etc. Glad the links helped some.

 

[Silver]

Sorry I havent posted in a few days. Ive basically just been told by about 4 different people that I almost definately do have ocd, Im wondering, if you know at all, could the ocd be affecting my anger if it is true that I have it? Ive been showing the ocd-like symptoms for about 3 years now and have gotten progressively worse for the most part, and It seems to have inclined my anger. Not sure if that is a coincidence or not. To answer your question about who, I am not sure, I dont have the money or the time right now, and i would be nervous about trying a free clinic, I mean they have to cut back costs somewhere right?

Oh I reread your comment about the health programs and stuff, I really dont want to tell my parents just yet, and since I am on their insurance I am sure they would take notice to a sudden doctors bill or something. At first I was hoping to wait until I moved out next year to see someone, but it might have gotten even worse by then. The Ocd symptoms I mean.

 

[comfortzone]

WHAT IS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER?
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a complex neuropsychiatric disorder. It is characterized by persistent, intrusive thoughts called "obsessions" and/or urges to perform certain repetitive strange seeming behaviors called "compulsions." OCD is not simply a single, identifiable disorder. It is frequently a 'masked' disorder, mixed with other symptoms. One can suffer from thoughts alone, the behaviors alone, or both.

The current psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) provides the following definitions:

Obsessions are:

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
The thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

Compulsions are:

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly
The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF OCD?

PRIMARY SYMPTOMS

Obsessions

An obsessive thought is quite invasive and may stay for long periods at a time. It is experienced as "ego dystonic," meaning that the individual does not truly believe in the thought, but is unable to erase it from his/her mind. Patients often express how "illogical" or "ridiculous" their thoughts are, but still experience a great deal of anxiety. It is our experience that contamination, sexual, religious, and morbid thoughts are the most common.

Obsessions thinking might be "magical" in that patients believe that the mere act of thinking can prevent or control a harmful event or wrongdoing. For example, thinking of a good word or number every time a negative thought enters the mind in order to prevent harm. Magical thinking often occurs in conjunction with particular rituals.

Extreme "doubting" is also characteristic of OCD. Individuals may engage in endless dialogues in their mind to arrive at certain decisions or answers to questions that are unnecessary or unimportant or to solve unsolvable problems. For example, trying to remember how many times one had orange juice while on vacation.

Compulsions:
Compulsions are repetitive acts meant to decrease the anxiety associated with obsessions. The urge to perform the compulsions increases in intensity until the patient has no choice but to engage in the compulsion. Once the urge is satisfied, the anxiety decreases temporarily, but then builds up again. The process becomes a never ending cycle.

Compulsions can be divided into two types: "Ideational or mental" and "motor." Ideational compulsions are performed in the mind and are not physically observable. They are more discreet because they are invisible. Motor compulsions are urges to perform a certain physical act.



The Following are Some Common Types of Compulsions:
Ideational Compulsions:

Counting (e.g. devising games in the mind for sentences, objects, or situations to end up in a certain number or some combination of a favored number)
List making (e.g. making mental lists of activities, shopping items, trip itineraries, and continuously reviewing or revising them)
Praying (e.g. saying prayers mechanically and without conviction, engaging in the practice of litanies, or rosary praying, with the aim of accumulating a large quantity of daily prayers without religious finality)

Motor Compulsions:


Aggressive (e.g. verbal or physical)
Physiological (e.g. defecating, spitting, drinking, swallowing, eating)
Movement (e.g. touching, squeezing, jumping, throat clearing, rocking, exercising)
Cleaning/washing (e.g. excessive showering, handwashing, grooming, housecleaning)
Checking (e.g. locks, appliances, for accidents while driving, reviewing work to correct mistakes)
Repeating (e.g. rewriting, rereading, standing up several times until it "feels right")
Counting (e.g. similar to an ideational compulsion, but overtly counting and devising number configurations)
Ordering/arranging (e.g. wanting objects in a certain place and noticing if they are slightly altered, organizing clothes in closet according to color, shape, or size, labeling cupboards)
Hoarding/collecting (e.g. piling up newspapers, filing articles, keeping junk mail, magazines, saving shopping bags, garbage)
Need to ask, tell, or confess (e.g. urge to ask for information, providing information that others do not ask for, seeking reassurance, providing information in different ways to make sure that it is understood)
Retracing (e.g. exiting a room the same way one entered it, driving back on the same streets as one took to get to work, getting into bed the same way as getting out of bed)
Somatic (e.g. taking one's pulse or blood pressure continuously, checking body for signs of illness, excessively performing breast examinations)

SECONDARY SYMPTOMS

Depression - Patients with OCD usually experience depression due to the loss of control over the symptoms that dominate their lives. They feel very frustrated and hopeless that they will ever feel better.
Sexual Disturbances - Disturbances include an increase or decrease in libido, frigidity, impotence, and delayed or premature ejaculation. These may be caused by the patient's strict religious or moral views, depression, and anxiety. Patients who have a fear of contamination regarding semen, vaginal secretion, and urine also may avoid sexual contact.
Anger - OCD causes a lot of frustration because it interferes with socializing, work, and family. Frustration can lead to anger.
Perceptual Disturbances - Research at our institute has found that some patients complain of visual disturbances such as "transient spots" or "floaters" in front of their eyes. Other types of perceptual disturbances, similar to schizophrenic patients, have also been observed.
Impairment in functioning - Symptoms in OCD tend to interfere significantly with all areas of functioning. Rituals can take up a valuable amount of time at work, leading to added stress. Problems frequently occur within the family. Individuals with OCD are difficult to live with, often forcing family to help perform rituals. Because of the seriousness of the disorder, socialization is often affected as well.

 

[Eunoia]

Hey Silver!
rarely, will one disorder present itself as the typical "text book" definition, we're all individuals with our own experiences, so you can't just look at one diagnosis ie. ocd and say that your anger is a result of this or is not. Your increase in anger may very well be related to the OCD, as an experience of the intensity of negative emotions (anger, depression, tension, confusion, fatigue) is generally a part of this trend. But again, there's many reasons why you could be experiencing anger, anything from ocd related to another disorder that is accompanying the OCD or coexisting w/ it, to just feeling frustrated about things and having a personal tendency to lean towards anger. No matter what, I think it's important to be honest about all aspects of your life (that you are unsure about) in order to allow the therapist (if you decide to see one) to best help you...

I found an article on the relation of anger to ocd:
The expression of anger and its relationship to symptoms and cognitions in obsessive-compulsive disorder
- this is its abstract, if you want you can click on 'full text' and then on 'pdf' which will give you the full article
The expression of anger and its relationship to symptoms and cognitions in obsessive-compulsive disorder - PubMed

Also just for general OCD info:
Pamphlet on OCD
- toll free phone # for anxiety disorders, free info mailed to US residents, easy/ quick read
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/NIMHocd.pdf

I dont have the money or the time right now

Money is more often than not an issue and so is time. But there's ways to pay for therapy and meds even if $ is an issue. If this is important to you, and from the sounds of it it is, then you almost have to make time in order to take that step towards becoming better and changing things. It's never easy, but taking the time to look after your health should never be left aside, but made a priority. You always have the option of "waiting" but by taking an initiative now you probably have a better chance and can learn not to have to live a life like this. It affects all other areas of one's life right? So by looking after your health you'd probably be able to live a healthier and happier life as a whole as a result. Re: your parents finding out... they don't know about any of this? None of the ocd related symptoms? Don't you think it would be a relief to them to know, if they have noticed some of the symptoms? If you were to tell them at least you wouldn't have to worry about the $ being an issue preventing you from getting treatment- and it would probably be a huge relief to tell someone who could be supportive.

Free Medications from Drug Co's
- click on articles and then click on the article about OCD if $ is an issue
- has other info as well
The International OCD Foundation

I also just added a sticky about mental health services/ resources, which might help finding out about how to pay for mental health services if you do want to go
http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=3441