As my second thread started today, hopefully this highlights my two most prevelent problems and might set my mind at ease for a while
. I seem to have an extremely short fuse, the slightest thing can set me off at times. I hold it in alot so not alot of people know about my temper. But sometimes I just can't. About a year ago, I forget what but something outraged me just too much to handle. I held it in and everything became white-hot. I could barely see let alone control my actions. What I did next, I have never done since and intend to never do again if I can help it, I basically tore up my lower arm a little. I know there's no excuse for it, but I seriously got to the point where I could not feel any emotion whatsoever, I needed to feel anything. After I regained control, I was horrified and embarassed about what I had done and was hoping beyond hope that it would leave a scar. It did. Anytime I ever feel like doing it again I just look at it and remember not to. The problem is I still get these times when I get that white-hot out of control feeling still, I know thats not alot of description but I really cannot think of another way to describe it. Maybe it is connected in some way to my fear of having ocd? I don't know, but I doubt it. I can contain my anger quite a bit now and the feeling doesnt do much to me anymore, I found out I could hypnotize myself -believe it or not- In doing so I could order myself down, Meditating also worked for a bit. Both are not helping as well anymore. My martial arts helps in that I can pound on my punching bag for a while but even that doesn't help all that much. Don't get me wrong, I am not a violent person, I have NEVER hit anyone before in my life outside of sparring and I have never purposefully hurt anyone before Most people never even know when I get that angry. But it does worry me in that one day I might just lose it on someone that pushes me beyond the point. This especially worries me since I am planning on becoming a cop. I don't want to do anything that is over the line to anyone, but I am running out of ways to control it. The previous ways I mentioned still do help but not quite as much as they used to.
Thanks for listening guys![Smile :) :)](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)
Thanks for listening guys