Angry at my doctors

[Charity]

What a coincidence... I was just trying to figure out where I wanted to post this, and this seems perfect.
I just walked in to my workplace, which is a hospital-- the same one where I receive my own care. I saw my doctor almost the moment I came in,and I yelled at him for leaving me in the lurch over the Christmas break. I had such a hard time over the holiday; I broke down completely last night and only my husband held me together. So I said to doc, "Are you back? As in, to stay for a while?" He started to play it off as a joke, because we always joke toegether, but I rudely cut him off mid-sentence with a loud, "I'M NOT SMILING." He just walked on into his office without saying much in reply. I'm SO mad at him, and at my other doc, the psychologist guy, for taking off on their holiday vacations... and I know I've no right to be. But I yelled at him, right in public.
I have an appointment to see him later at 4:30, after work, and I know I'm just starting off on the wrong foot by yelling at him this morning... but I just couldn't help it. I'd have hit him if I could.
I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to fake my way through this workday. If I make it without hitting anyone or crying out loud, it's a winner. If I fail, I'll probably lose my job and my reputation-- and then, my apartment, phone, LIFE, etc. It's just too hard.

Charity added 48 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...

So now I'm embarassed too. It sucks that the place where my doctors are has to be the place I have to come to work each day.
I called up to the dr office upstairs to ask them to give me a call if there are any cancellations or any other means of an appointment opening up earlier than 4:30-- I told her to please call me, and call me first, ahead of the stupid kid with the flu who'll get better on his own anyway. She gave a stunned little laugh and said okay... and I hung up the phone. I wouldn't care how I behaved if I didn't have to go in there all the time as a co-worker.
I'm getting nothing done. Nothing at all yet today. I know they have the capability to monitor internet usage and such here in the workplace, and I pray that this isn't the day they choose to look at mine and see that I've been here all day instead of working... I just can't think.

 

[Retired]

Charity,

It'sunderstandable you are under a lot of stress after your difficult time during Christmas. Of course losing your temper in public is not the best, we can hope your doctor can separate your job relationship from your doctor/patient relationship.

Especially because your appointment is later today, do you think you can call him on the phone or pop your head into his office, to say "I'm really sorry, Doc! I had a tough time over Christmas, and I took it out on you this morning."

I feel it would benefit both your relationships with him, if you can arrange to put this behind you as soon as possible.

As for getting through the day, can you arrange to get away from your work station for a little while to gather your thoughts, to be able to focus on your work?

 

[Charity]

I will apologize for snapping at him, when I go in for my appt later... but I don't feel like I'm going to make too much of a fuss. I WANT people to know that I'm unhappy. I'm tired of having to play a false role to preserve others' comfort. If no one knows I'm in pain, nothing will ever change. I have to make them know that I'm not like them, and they can't keep on treating me as though I were! I'm really, really starting to wish I'd cross a major line for real and they'd just take me away somewhere for awhile and I could rest without pretense. No one expects much from a mental patient...

 

[Retired]

No one expects much from a mental patient...

Don't under estimate yourself, Charity. While there still exists some prejudice in the world, there is more awareness and compassion among people.

I don't know what if any accomodations your employer at the hospital is willing to make for you while you are dealing with your illness, but it might not be prudent to jeopardize your job to make a point.

As a healthcare worker, you are familiar with making benefits vs risks choices in your work...and that same concept would serve you well in dealing with your job, your illness and your relationships with co-workers.

The loss of your job migh create more stress and turmoil in your life than the occasional stress of inconsiderate co-workers.

What do you think?

 

[Charity]

The loss of your job migh create more stress and turmoil in your life than the occasional stress of inconsiderate co-workers.
What do you think?

Well of course it would! I guess I've not explained my financial situation very clearly on here... Even WITH me working full-time, and my husband too, we barely make it from one day to the next. All the bills are behind. We barely make rent each month. We share a vehicle (he has to walk to work because his is closer than mine) and it's getting ready to die for good. I don't see how we'll manage after that happens. And-- I can't actually work in the healthcare part. I have no education beyond high school; I couldn't afford any. I work down in the basement doing typing and fixing printers and such. They'd not miss me if I lost this job. I'd just be out of luck. (and out of a home and food and everything else)
If either of us loses our job, we're just done. In the US, if you don't have kids, no one will give you much help-- meaning social programs and such.

So no, I can't lose my job. I just can't. What I'm trying to say right at this moment, though, is that I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO BE UP TO ME. I'm no longer feeling like a "person dealing with a mental/emotional illness." At this point, I'm about to lose myself. I don't even feel real. It's like I'm in a movie. Or, maybe, like I'm looking out of my own eyeballs but they've been compressed all the way to the back of my skull and I have to peer all the way out. I can't care, I can't think. I'm going to screw it up bigtime and only later (when the consequences come raining down) will I realize the enormity of what has happened.

I tore up the phone book last night. I couldn't face picking the pieces up; they're still all over the living room floor and desk. They'll probably stay there awhile. I nearly hit a perfect stranger yesterday because her bratty kid wouldn't stop her incessant singing. I'm terribly afraid and almost certain that I AM going to do something. I'm not me anymore.

I don't know what's going to happen next. Five seconds, five minutes, this afternoon, next week, forever... it's all gone. There's only now, and now is a horror.

 

[Retired]

Charity,

You need to focus your thoughts on your future with your husband, and what you need to do to preserve that future..namely keeping your job.

If you are having a difficult day, can you get some time off? Perhaps when you see your doctor this afternoon, you might explain the crisis you are experiencing, and he can help arrange for diability leave, thereby saving your job.

If your doctor is not available, can you go to the Psych ER or Staff Health Services for help?

They'd not miss me if I lost this job.

Charity,

While it's true that we can all be replaced in our jobs, that does not mean you and your work is not important. You are a unique, special person who approaches your work in your own special way. That cannot be replaced.

Taking a broader view, your job is your ticket to self esteem, and your independence. Perhaps this job won't make you a millionaire. you are earning a living and contributing to your marriage and to your life.

Define yourself as the bright, resourceful and couragwous person that you are, rather than by your job or at this difficult time, by your illness.

 

[Charity]

I just happened to run into my doctor in the halls again a minute ago. I told him that I was sorry for snapping at him earlier, and he brushed it off pretty lightly, saying that he has broad shoulders and can handle it okay. I explained as quickly as I could what was going on, about how I had to stop the new medicine because it made me so sick, and so I'm now on nothing at all, and how I've been feeling. He said to start back on the medicine I was on before, for the moment... that's Celexa (citalopram). I guess we'll talk that over some more at my appointment. Too bad these medicines take so long to start working. I need something a little more immediate!

I'm not fooling anyone. I'll do my job just like I always do. Nothing will happen; there'll be no outbursts or catastrophes. As a result, no one will know anything's up. Same old story. I hate those attention-seeking types-- but what does a person have to do to get people's attention around here?!?!?!?!?

If I speak honestly and openly with him this afternoon and he doesn't become alarmed, I give up. I don't know what else I can do to get through to people short of threatening or performing self-harm, and it burns me up to think that a person should have to resort to such a thing just to get someone to take notice of their suffering. I wish once again that I had just plain old boring cancer or broken bones or pneumonia or sepsis or something. At least physical ailments get a little respect.

 

[Retired]

Good to hear you made contact with your doctor. You may want to write out some notes to help explain all the feelings you have and why you feel you are in crisis.

That way, you can take your notes with you to your appointment this afternoon, to ensure your doctor has all the facts.

Perhaps when you are speaking to your doctor, because you feel stressed, you may not be remembering all the details of your situation. By taking time to write it out, you can be sure to have all the information your doctor needs.

Injuring yourself does nothing to draw attention to your situation, exxcept hurt you more. Focus on getting all the details of your situation to your doctor.

At least physical ailments get a little respect

The reason it appears that way is that there are are often physical signs to alert the doctor about the condition, whereas in a mental illness, the patient's description of symptoms is important for the doctor to make a diagnosis.

 

[Meg]

Hi Charity,

I'm really glad that you're going to see your doctor this afternoon. It's very clear that you really need him to understand how much pain you're in at the moment and that you want him to show you that he understands.

I think that being honest about what you've been going through is a really good idea. When you're looking for a reaction from him, though, keep in mind that sometimes doctors will purposely try to cover feelings of alarm with the intention of preventing their patients from becoming more stressed. If he doesn't give exactly the reaction you're hoping for it may not be because he's not concerned. Doctors aren't mind readers and can't be expected to know instinctively what reaction every patient is looking for. Rather than resorting to drastic efforts to show your pain, I would suggest you tell him how you were hoping he would react. You may have been planning to do that already, but there it is, just in case.

Has your doctor discussed ways of reducing feelings of stress with you? If so, giving some of these a try now might help you to feel a bit better before your appointment. If he hasn't, you might be interested in checking this out Three Minutes to Stress Relief - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[Charity]

So this is not exactly the evening I had planned for... I had my appointment. I told my doctor what was going on. They tried to keep me!!! They called in a social worker and I had to wait forever until she got there so she could decide whether or not it was safe to let me go. At first they weren't going to let me leave the exam room I was in at all, even to go get my husband to be with me. I finally begged and pleaded and got them to let me go and get him, as long as I looked this nurse straight in the eyes and promised her I'd come back.

I picked him up and came back, though it was very hard to make myself go back after barely being allowed to leave. We waited in that room for what seemed like hours, until the social worker finally got there. When she did, it was a flipping joke. She basically asked me straight out if I was going to do harm to myself, I said no, and she said "Okay then" and left. Two seconds later the nurse was back saying it was okay for me to go on home. They'd kept me there so long, though, that by then it was too late to go to any of the pharmacies and get any medicine! I had no Xanax to get through the night, and after the ordeal they'd just put me through I needed it more than ever. I'm disgusted. I thought I'd just have to sit and suffer all night, until I suddenly remembered that my mom had some Xanax too. I rushed straight over to her house and got a handful from her to get me through til the pharmacies open up tomorrow. I'm so confused! I don't know how everything got so completely messed up all of a sudden, and I don't know how to even begin to put it right again. I'm supposed to go back to taking Celexa, and Xanax to get me through til the Celexa starts to kick in...

What just happened here? Is it my imagination, or did I just narrowly escape a padded cell? The social worker was a complete joke, seriously. I happened to be telling the truth when I said that I wasn't planning to off myself tonight, but I could just have easily been lying. I don't know what's going on here, no idea what might be next. I'm falling to pieces here, and their only two options are "go in-patient in a psychiatric facility" or "go on your merry way like everything's fine." Obviously, I made my choice pretty quickly. It's not a hard choice to make when left to sit in a tiny exam room not knowing when or if you'll be let out again. Nothing like this has ever happened before. It's sort of, kind of, a little bit like what I thought I wanted to happen, only it sucked a lot instead of being a nice reassuring thing like I had imagined. And now I guess tomorrow I'll just be getting up and going to work just like everything was perfectly fine... So after all that, after everything they put me through tonight, everything is essentially unchanged. I wouldn't even have had any relief for myself tonight if I hadn't come up with an alternate means of getting what I need. I'm scared, I'm confused, I'm so SO sorry that my poor husband had to be dragged through it all with me... I just don't know anything anymore. Now I'll be afraid to tell the doctor the whole truth anymore, if this is what happens when I do.

I just want to go to sleep now, which should be happening any time now with all the Xanax I just took. Then it'll be tomorrow, though, and who knows what that may bring. Is a moment's peace so much to ask? What's going to happen next? Am I going to end up locked away if I speak my true feelings? I can't let that happen; my real life needs me too much. I need my husband, I need my kitties, I need my SELF back. I wonder where she went.

I bet I explained this all wrong and out out order to where it doesn't even make sense, but hopefully someone can make some sense of it. It was horrible. I'm just glad I at least found a way to get some pills to get me through. My husband called me "House" as a joke, when I was sitting here saying "I need my @#$&^ pills!!" (If you watch the show, it's actually pretty funny.)

I'll try to write something better when my mind is more in one piece. I just had to at least say something for now to get it out of me. I'm still just in shock and trying to make some sense of these past few hours. I don't know what's what anymore. I'm really starting to wonder if I ever will. I'm afraid I've crossed a line. I don't know if I can put things back as they were after this little incident. And remember, this is my workplace. The very nurse who stroked my hair back from my streaming eyes and made me promise her that I wouldn't harm myself in the five minutes it took me to go get my hubby is the same nurse I'll be seeing tomorrow when I walk in to do my job. I don't know how capable they are of separating the two sides...

Ohhhh, there's just so much in my mind right now that it feels ready to burst. What have I gotten myself into here? Where will it all ultimately end? Can I ever go back to some semblance of a normal life? Between the horrors in my own head and the horrors of the medical care system, I just don't know what to expect next. My p-doc is still out of town til the 9th of January, so he's no use to me at the moment. My medical doc is the one who started the whole social worker/going in-patient fiasco, so now I'll be afraid to say anything too intense to him anymore. I'm just lost and rambling now, because that's what I need to do to get it out of my head and into somewhere else, like a computer. I'm just so terribly afraid of what the future may have in store for me.

I'm unashamedly begging for support, advice, compassion... please, from anyone and everyone. I just don't seem to know much of anything right now. It's just a big huge mess that I seem to have created for myself and now I don't know how to get out of. Everything's crazy. I may be crazy myself, but not half so much as everything whizzing around me is. Everything is falling down around my ears and I can't see a way to stop it. So I do what I do best: throw back a handful of pills and put it off til later. Speaking of which, they're starting to kick in, as I can tell by the frequency of the typos I'm having to go back and correct. Bring on the oblivion, my tiny peach-colored friends. They're all I seem to have at the moment. And of course, my husband, too. He's sick himself today, but he stood by my side like a true guardian and protector. If not for him, I'd probably be checking into a room by now. The one decent thing in my life right now is the fact that I do have one person on my side. He stopped me getting locked up like some kind of criminal, which I don't think I could have borne. Not that I can exactly bear this... but those drugs do at least help. I'm starting to get floaty now, so I quit. Please reply! I need all I can get right now. I'm so lost.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Charity,

I'm sorry you had that kind of day. I really do understand...I had a similar day myself today...

But, once you've had a little rest, I hope you'll reconsider being honest with your doctor...And keep posting here. I'd love to get an update from you.

Are you okay for tonight? Have you calmed down a little?

 

[Mari]

I am working right now but I hope a quick hug will be helpful until I have a chance to read your post. :hug: Mari

 

[Retired]

I'm just so terribly afraid of what the future may have in store for me.

Charity,

You need to focus your thoughts on the here and now, and deal with one minute at a time, one step at a time.

Your support system...family and medical professionals will help you deal with your options as situations arise.

By allowing your thoughts to overwhelm you, you are only seeing the worst case scenario, whereas there will be numerous options if and when your situation changes.

Do you have a suppport system available to you outside the hospital, in the way of family, friends or spiritual advisor?

 

[Charity]

I have my husband. I don't like it that he's the only one, because it's just that much more for him to bear if there's no one else to sort of spread it around... and he has troubles of his own to begin with. I don't have friends, only acquaintances. People just aren't too interested in me. Small town syndrome, I guess. I don't have the right last name or a perfect ten body, the only two roads to worth around here, so I just fall by the wayside.

I'm well aware that moment-to-moment is the only way to do things, but it doesn't do much good when each one of those moments is a misery unto itself. Yeah, I'm whining, I'm complaining, I'm being quite openly negative. I used to care about such things, but I can't anymore. I'm afraid I've given up in that area, and the rest are soon to follow. Posting here is a last-ditch effort to make some sort of connection with other people outside of myself. I don't want to live my life anymore, yet I'm too afraid of God to die. Unfortunately, both exist and are inescapable in the end when you get right down to it. I can say that I'm done, I'm finished, I give up... but that doesn't change anything. Whether I die now or live sixty more years, I just have to keep right on existing forever, through all of eternity, and there's no stopping it. The only way not to exist is to never have started existing in the first place, and it's not like that can be changed.

 

[Banned]

Hi Charity,

I'm sorry for all you've been through. It sounds like it's been a really rough go of things and I won't lie when I say I've been there myself and it's not easy. It really isn't.

What jumped out at me in your post is how you seem to allow your perception of what others think of you influence who you are.

People just aren't too interested in me. Small town syndrome, I guess. I don't have the right last name or a perfect ten body, the only two roads to worth around here, so I just fall by the wayside.

I would encourage you, with the help of your therapist if needed, to take a look at what you've written and how may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to see worth in yourself first, and as that happens, you will see what others have seen in you all along. Often we are the last ones to acknowledge or recognize our own worth.

Can you get involved in a local activity, even if it's something like knitting mittens for the homeless? Anything to help you connect with others and help you recognize your own worth and talents, and give you some strength to draw upon.

You're in my thoughts. I know it's tough but you can work through this. I sense your strength and resilience. You're not one to quit.

 

[Charity]

You're not one to quit.

The true problem, I'm finding out right now, is that there's no such thing as quitting. I WANT to. I'd LOVE to. But there's no such thing.

I can leave my job and family and everything I know, yet I would still have to live in my own misery. I can end my life here on this earth, yet I would still have to live on in the world beyond.

If there could be a way to "quit," I certainly would accept it with unspeakable gratitude. It just doesn't exist. To me, that's the most true form of horror that there can be.

 

[Banned]

It just doesn't exist.

I'm a pretty to-the-point person, so what I'm thinking is if quitting isn't an option, and there's no way to quit, how can we help you live the best life you can so that you feel fulfilled?

Do you have any goals? That might be a first step - make a list of some of your goals, and then perhaps we can help you figure out how to reach them. Goals don't have to be anything grandiose - things as simple as what do you want to change in your life, or be able to do differently? They might have something to do with your thoughts, or feelings, or actions, or people...there are lots of angles to tackle things from.

 

[Charity]

I'm afraid that's too much for now. My only "goal" is relief. There's nothing left for anything else anymore.

 

[Retired]

Your goal today, Charity could be to get through today, and tomorrow to get through tomorrow.

Based on your comments, it sounds like your husband is a source of comfort and support for you. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?

Is your prescription filled now and have you started taking the medications your doctor prescribed?

 

[Charity]

My husband is with me 100 percent. He knows every detail of everything, and he does as much as one person can do for another.

I've re-started my Celexa; I just have to wait for it to start working. In the meantime, I have the Xanax... and with that, I seem to be completely at my doctor's mercy. I asked him to double my dosage, and he agreed-- and in doing so, also halved the number of pills I get. Lovely logic, there. Like I wouldn't notice or something...

My boss is coming by soon. (He works at the main office many miles from here; I'm the only one from my company at this particular site.) I have two hopes: to get through the business we need to accomplish without any outbursts or otherwise embarassing myself, and to try and figure out some way to talk to him about what we can do to help me without him reacting badly. I have no idea what his views on mental illness might be. He may be sympathetic and try to help as much as he's able within the system, or he may start to form the idea that this isn't the sort of person he wants working for him anyway. I have no idea.

The clinic upstairs just left me waiting for forty-five minutes while they did who-knows-what instead of just getting me my prescription. You'd think after all that junk last night, they'd be a little more concerned....? They have a way of making me feel like a nuisance every time I show up there, which is pretty often lately. There just doesn't seem to be any help.

I've left propriety behind. I don't care if I DO sound like a three-year-old having a tantrum. The only area in which I'm still trying to keep up the act is when it pertains to me keeping my job, and I'm terribly afraid that it'll be the next to go. It seems so unfair to me that I'm on the verge of losing what meager life I have managed to scrounge together on account of something that's not even my fault. Is there no justice???? Where does this end????