Anxiety improving

[Murray]

Lately it seems like my anxiety has been getting better, which is great. It must have been happening gradually since I didn't really notice until all of the sudden I found I was able to do certain things again.

A few days ago I drove on the highway for the first time in at least a decade. My husband has been driving me an hour each way every day for a week to get blood work done because I can't manage the drive myself. I feel just horrible that he has to do this sort of thing for me. So, I decided that after several days of having him drive me that I would try the drive home myself. He was there with me so he could help me navigate and take over if I freaked out too badly. I also made sure that it wasn't during rush hour or anything. Well, we survived the trip-didn't end up in an accident.lol. It was very very hard, at the beginning I was sort of disoriented and it was quite frightening. I began to have a panic attack, but hubby reminded me to breathe and relax, and gradually I calmed down bit. Not sure it was a safe thing to do,but we made it and maybe if I try it again it will be easier. Unfortunately, I was sort of disoriented for the remainder of the day and in pain for the next couple of day (from being so tense I guess).

Then today I actually went outside and mowed part of the lawn by myself. Normally I can't stand to be outside alone for more than a few moments. While I was out there I thought about how I really didn't want to be outside, but I wasn't terribly anxious about it. It was such a surprise to realize that I was sort of okay out there all exposed and alone- that I didn't feel the usual overwhelming need to get inside and hide.

I know that these are such stupid little things to struggle with and it is quite embarrassing to admit to having these problems, but I do. I am hoping that I will continue to be able to do more things.

I guess my therapy must really be helping with my anxiety. Unfortunately, my depression and self esteem issues seem to still be hanging in there. Hopefully with the anxiety lessening the other stuff will improve as well. I don't know if it works that way, but it would be nice. I am just so sick of feeling this way- lethargic, sad, unfocused, being totally non-productive, etc, etc and just generally hating everything about myself. But, at least I am not having panic attacks all of the time .

Not sure why I posted this, just felt like sharing I suppose. Anyway, I can really ramble, so sorry.

 

[Andy]

Re: anxiety improving

That's awesome Murray.
Maybe your husband can take you out to some less populated areas to drive and then you will get comfortable with doing it again? That's nice that he is there telling you to breathe.

It's not a stupid thing to struggle with at all and you shouldn't be embarrassed. Lots of people struggle with similar things.
I bet you will feel a little less depressed with less anxiety. That is so great that your therapy is working for you. Little steps. Just keep doing what your doing if it's working for you. That must feel really good Murray. I hope that you can eliminate your anxiety and take out that depression too.
I'm sorry, I don't have much to say back to you after you so kindly commented on my nonsense.
Congrats! :cheerleader::goodpost:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: anxiety improving

That's good. I hope the other stuff will improve as well.

 

[SoSo]

Re: anxiety improving

Hi Murray,
I don't think they are stupid little things you struggle with...can relate and think you did great. I got a dog, for a reason...to force me to leave the apt. I have no choice now as I live alone with my dog. If it wasn't for the dog, could stay inside for weeks and never leave. Then, am forced out by hunger pangs to the grocery store once or twice a month. So, others know what you go through, it is great how you are trying so hard. Hope it all gets easier with time.
SoSo

 

[Murray]

Thanks so much for responding to my stupid post. It is funny, as soon as I posted last night I got anxious. I am such a freak!

Maybe your husband can take you out to some less populated areas to drive and then you will get comfortable with doing it again? That's nice that he is there telling you to breathe.

Actually I usually do drive a little bit, so I am not totally uncomfortable with it. There are about a half a dozen places that I can go regularly- work, the grocery store, therapy, the tiny mall near us and my GP. They are all very close to home and there isn't much traffic so I can usually handle it. Of course if there is road work or a detour or anything I panic. I even get really anxious if I can't park in my normal spot at each location... so stupid. I just couldn't drive anywhere new or especially a high traffic area. I figured maybe it was time to force myself out of my comfort zone. When I was visiting my parents a couple of weeks ago, my step-father wanted me to take their car and run some errands for him and I just couldn't. He was incredulous when I told him that I wasn't able to do this, and he looked at me with such disgust and I know that he thinks that I am so pathetic and weak. I was so ashamed of myself. Anyway, I guess it is time to just force myself to do things.

I went outside to do some more yardwork this evening and as soon as I opened the door I heard one of my neighbors laughing. Now, logically I know that he wasn't laughing at me, he didn't even see me, but I just felt like he was laughing at me. I did force myself to stay outside for few more minutes, but then had to come right back in the house. I just feel like crying right now. I'm such a ridiculous a**hole!

 

[Andy]

Oh, I'm sorry your feeling like this. Let me see here, I have some counting to do...Six! Six times you insulted yourself.
Stupid,Freak,Stupid,Pathetic,Weak, *sshole. I don't think you are stupid, you seem rather intelligent to me. I don't think your pathetic,weak or an *sshole either. Now freak, lol I think freaky is good.
I get panicky when there is construction when driving too. I think it is really great that you are pushing yourself to do these things. Does your step-father call to see how your doing? Does he take the time to try to understand what your going through? If not then he really has no right to judge you. Even if he does ask you those things. You have no reason to be ashamed of yourself, at all.
Small victories. You did stay outside for a bit. Maybe not as long as you had hoped but you tried. I try to push myself to do little things that I think most people would think was not a big deal. I want to be able to push myself to do the bigger things and on the rare occasion I at least attempt to do them. I think that all you can do is try and when you get feeling comfortable that means you need to push a little further.
The last thing I wanted to say was something that I do myself. As my mother use to always say "Do as I say, not as I do."
I think when you belittle yourself like that you are just constantly taking away from the successes that you do have. You went outside which is a good thing, and then you came back in saying to yourself that it wasn't good enough and calling yourself a "ridiculous *sshole". How are you ever going to be proud of yourself and want to continue to accomplish these victories if you won't let yourself have them?

I hope some of that made sense.

BTW: I thought I was the only female who called myself an A hole. What a great thing to have in common!

 

[Murray]

Only 6 times, I am doing better.LOL
Sorry, I tend to have a problem with negative self talk. I agree being a freak is good thing, hehe.

BTW: I thought I was the only female who called myself an A hole. What a great thing to have in common!

Nope, you're not the only one, I call myself that all the time. We can be A-hole buddies :2thumbs:

As far as my step father, he just doesn't understand. To him I am just weak and a disappointment. He doesn't really believe in therapy or anything, although he is taking antidepressants (but according to him he is not depressed, go figure). Even when my mother has had problems he has not been very understanding. Even after her suicide attempt he didn't think that there was any need for her to go to therapy or anything we just needed to act like things were okay and they would be. He tends to just think that we can just "suck it up". We really don't talk much at all, so no he would never call to see how I was doing. As my therapist told me when I was discussing how badly some of his recent comments hurt me , I should consider the source and not let his judgments bother me. Easier said than done. His negative opinions of me just tend to confirm what I already believe about myself.

You did make perfect sense and I know that you are right in what you are saying. I am working towards becoming a normal well adjusted human being(won't that be boring) and I know that it is going to take a lot of time, I just get so angry with myself. The funny thing is that I would never ever talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself and if I heard anyone else talk about themselves this way it would bother me. It just feels appropriate when it is directed at me. Anyway, sorry I know that I am not making sense and am all over the place tonight. Thank you so much for the thoughtful response I truly appreciate it.

 

[forgetmenot]

I t makes sense Murray negative talk is what we are use to what we heard for most of our young lives. You are all grown up and you know how wonderfully caring you are. You are talented to boot. I am glad your anxiety is lessening and hope soon the depression and negative self talk lessons as well I am glad you can post you pain out here so it doesn't stay bottled up inside

 

[Yuray]

and he looked at me with such disgust and I know that he thinks that I am so pathetic and weak. I was so ashamed of myself.

does this mean that you consider him to have so much moral fibre that he is correct?

As far as my step father, he just doesn't understand.

nor will he ever, nor is he capable of.

To him I am just weak and a disappointment

is there any benefit, to you, for him to think otherwise?...and how far will you go to compromise yourself to gain his approval?

He tends to just think that we can just "suck it up".

which would explain his inability to be compassionate. he has had some bad times in life. keep this in mind when deferring to his comments.

I should consider the source and not let his judgments bother me. Easier said than done.

when you find the means, this will be easier done, than said.

His negative opinions of me just tend to confirm what I already believe about myself.

so, who has to change their view?

You have the tools, brains, and support, to initiate change. Whats the hold up?

 

[Murray]

You are always so sweet to me Violet, thanks. You are right I guess it is what I was used to growing up.

Thanks for the response Yuray. You make sense and I know you are correct. My step father has had hard times and my heart breaks for him when I think about how his family treated him.

I guess what bothered me is that I really tried to not let any of my issues interfere with my helping my parents on this visit. My step father had back surgery so I went to help them while he was recovering. This time I wanted to be strong and not let my anxiety prevent me from doing whatever they needed me to do. The only exception was driving, I told them in no uncertain terms that I just couldn't do that. They live in a very high traffic area and on top of that I would have had to drive their car which is unfamiliar to me. Well, within 2 hours of my arrival my step father had already asked me to drive and got annoyed when I said that I couldn't. My mom then had to go out to get him his cigars (which he shouldn't be smoking but that is a different discussion all together) and I felt terrible for already letting them down. The whole time I was there I tried so hard to do stuff, I was really pushing myself and still I wasn't good enough. It just hurt me that even though I really tried to do everything and just keep going through the panic and discomfort, I still was found to be wanting- still a disappointment. Even when I thought that I had made progress and was able to do so much more than usual, it was still obvious that I am deficient. I don't know why I let my parents get to me, I only see them a couple times a year. I suppose it is because like I said they just confirm my own feelings about myself. Oh well, guess I'm not done with therapy yet, lol. Anyway, sorry I need to just shut up now, I am feeling really down today and need to quit whining and complaining. Sorry.

 

[forgetmenot]

You don't need to shut up Murray you are in pain and suffering. Like you said you just started therapy not been there for long so give it time okay you have already showed some progress but it will take much longer to undue what was done. LOL that is what my therapist said to me to day as i have been going a year now and felt i was not progressing so stated iwas thinking about walking away from everything, He said with the past it will take 2years at least to undue what was done it is a slow process not a immediate fix so to speak You will get stronger Murray and you will be happy with who you are in time that is all that matters okay YOU being happy with YOU

 

[Murray]

Thank you Violet, I am sorry I am just having a bad day(week,month, year,lol). I have already been in therapy for a year and a half this time so I feel like I should be "fixed" by now. Part of me thinks that my therapist is thinking "what the heck is taking her so long?" It's not like I even have anything that bad in my past, so I just get angry with myself for being so weak. Blah, I hate when I get like this and although I am so grateful to this forum for giving me somewhere to vent and let it out (thank you Dr Baxter),I just feel guilty for spewing all of my crap around. Sorry.

 

[forgetmenot]

Guilty another emotion that does more harm than good.
I am still working on that one.
I doubt your therapist is saying anything of that sort but i can see why one thinks that way.
Often we feel we are not getting anywhere when in fact we are making great strides.
It is okay to get your thoughts out in the open to view them so you can analyze them and see how wrong or right they are.
Talk with your therapist okay he will assure you of your progress and will let you know that again this healing stuff takes awhile and it cannot be rushed
ONe heals on their own schedule not on anyone elses.
As said before in one of your post you are less anxious doing more outside driving all big strides right the low self esteem the negative words will take a little longer thats all
I have a homework assignment list all the things i can do and then all the things i know i won't want to do like being in a group therapy or taking a course which involves group work forget it.
One has to just keep moving forward even if it is small steps they are just as important as the big ones right.
I wanted so much to just give up but then what would that do We have to keep pushing ourselves to the point where we would like ourselves to be or we will just fall backwards again.
We have worked to hard Murray and to long to just quit now. You are doing great and you will continue to do great patience that is what is needed here patience okay

 

[Andy]

Part of me thinks that my therapist is thinking "what the heck is taking her so long?" It's not like I even have anything that bad in my past, so I just get angry with myself for being so weak.

I just wanted to quickly say that I saw my Psychologist for 6 years Murray. Hopefully that helps you to feel like the amount of time with your Therapist isn't bad. Maybe? I don't know. lol

Also I would like to say that in my opinion you do not need to have a horrible past to be struggling in the present.

Ahem *your not weak* Ahem.

 

[Yuray]

I am feeling really down today and need to quit whining and complaining. Sorry.

Dr Baxter started this website for people to "whine and complain". How else can you get feedback.

The people that frequent this site are among the most sensitive and caring people that have ever been. That mental illness is the catalyst for comradery in here, is a sign that mentally ill people seem to be more in touch with feelings, and able to offer a compassionate voice, and insight, when required.

You are in good company.

 

[Murray]

The people that frequent this site are among the most sensitive and caring people that have ever been. That mental illness is the catalyst for comradery in here, is a sign that mentally ill people seem to be more in touch with feelings, and able to offer a compassionate voice, and insight, when required.

I completely agree with you about this. The kindness and compassion that the members of this site show to everyone is extraordinary.

 

[sjohnson]

its always good to share

much love

Sam xxxx