Little_Girl_Blue
Member
I've been going to a therapist for OCD for a few weeks now, but I'm hesitant about revealing my issues with food. I know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder (I haven't suddenly lost 15-20 pounds in 3 months nor are my periods irregular). Ever since I was a teenager I've been going through phases where I'm obsessed about what I eat in response to my constant concern with the fat on my body, and so I'd make myself hungry every now and then. Mostly, however, I ate normally and there were even times when I was ok with my weight. When I got hypothyroidism, however, my weight shot up <edit Admin at request if poster>. Before I was diagnosed, I started to eat even less and would regularly skip meals. When that didn't work, I just gave up and started eating whatever I wanted again until I was diagnosed and started on medication. Since I've been treated, I've been consistently losing weight (over the past 2 years or so). <edit Admin at request if poster>. I still don't feel skinny. Over these past two years I've mostly restricted my diet (I've recently cut down to around 400-500 calories a day...and now even that sounds like too much, though I know it isn't). But I've also somewhat abused my thyroid medication to boost my metabolism and have thrown up food a number of times after eating in social gatherings (I don't want others to know I'm restricting, you see). On top of that, I measure and weigh myself a few times a day and can't stop thinking about food. I even started keeping a food journal to make sure I'm counting the calories correctly. I'm getting sick of it, but since I've already lost about 3 pounds this week, I don't want to stop.
So, my main concern is that if I do tell my therapist about this she'll help me before I reach my goal weight. And even though I know the problem is that I shouldn't even want to lose weight...I still want it more than anything. I'm trying to stop abusing my medication and stop throwing up, but I don't want to stop restricting. I suppose I'm partly prone to getting help because this is kind of interfering with my everyday life. I have trouble concentrating sometimes...I get mini blackouts when I turn my head too quickly, and I get quite dizzy at work. I don't mind doing damage to my body...because, as sick as this sounds, it's a nice sort of guilt-free alternative to suicide.
I just feel absolutely torn. I'm not sure which side to listen to. I've come close to telling my therapist about food issues...but backed down because I still want to lose the weight.
So, my main concern is that if I do tell my therapist about this she'll help me before I reach my goal weight. And even though I know the problem is that I shouldn't even want to lose weight...I still want it more than anything. I'm trying to stop abusing my medication and stop throwing up, but I don't want to stop restricting. I suppose I'm partly prone to getting help because this is kind of interfering with my everyday life. I have trouble concentrating sometimes...I get mini blackouts when I turn my head too quickly, and I get quite dizzy at work. I don't mind doing damage to my body...because, as sick as this sounds, it's a nice sort of guilt-free alternative to suicide.
I just feel absolutely torn. I'm not sure which side to listen to. I've come close to telling my therapist about food issues...but backed down because I still want to lose the weight.