More threads by Little_Girl_Blue

I've been going to a therapist for OCD for a few weeks now, but I'm hesitant about revealing my issues with food. I know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder (I haven't suddenly lost 15-20 pounds in 3 months nor are my periods irregular). Ever since I was a teenager I've been going through phases where I'm obsessed about what I eat in response to my constant concern with the fat on my body, and so I'd make myself hungry every now and then. Mostly, however, I ate normally and there were even times when I was ok with my weight. When I got hypothyroidism, however, my weight shot up <edit Admin at request if poster>. Before I was diagnosed, I started to eat even less and would regularly skip meals. When that didn't work, I just gave up and started eating whatever I wanted again until I was diagnosed and started on medication. Since I've been treated, I've been consistently losing weight (over the past 2 years or so). <edit Admin at request if poster>. I still don't feel skinny. Over these past two years I've mostly restricted my diet (I've recently cut down to around 400-500 calories a day...and now even that sounds like too much, though I know it isn't). But I've also somewhat abused my thyroid medication to boost my metabolism and have thrown up food a number of times after eating in social gatherings (I don't want others to know I'm restricting, you see). On top of that, I measure and weigh myself a few times a day and can't stop thinking about food. I even started keeping a food journal to make sure I'm counting the calories correctly. I'm getting sick of it, but since I've already lost about 3 pounds this week, I don't want to stop.

So, my main concern is that if I do tell my therapist about this she'll help me before I reach my goal weight. And even though I know the problem is that I shouldn't even want to lose weight...I still want it more than anything. I'm trying to stop abusing my medication and stop throwing up, but I don't want to stop restricting. I suppose I'm partly prone to getting help because this is kind of interfering with my everyday life. I have trouble concentrating sometimes...I get mini blackouts when I turn my head too quickly, and I get quite dizzy at work. I don't mind doing damage to my body...because, as sick as this sounds, it's a nice sort of guilt-free alternative to suicide.

I just feel absolutely torn. I'm not sure which side to listen to. I've come close to telling my therapist about food issues...but backed down because I still want to lose the weight.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder (I haven't suddenly lost 15-20 pounds in 3 months nor are my periods irregular).
That doesn't mean you don't have an eating disorder.

Over these past two years I've mostly restricted my diet (I've recently cut down to around 400-500 calories a day...and now even that sounds like too much, though I know it isn't). But I've also somewhat abused my thyroid medication to boost my metabolism and have thrown up food a number of times after eating in social gatherings (I don't want others to know I'm restricting, you see). On top of that, I measure and weigh myself a few times a day and can't stop thinking about food. I even started keeping a food journal to make sure I'm counting the calories correctly.
That sounds like a pretty good description of an eating disorder to me.

I just feel absolutely torn. I'm not sure which side to listen to. I've come close to telling my therapist about food issues...but backed down because I still want to lose the weight.
The very fact that you know it's unhealthy, know you should tell your therapist, and still feel conflicted about doing so tells me that this is something you really have to talk to your therapist about. It's not like s/he's going to admit you as an involuntary patient to a hospital or anything like that -- I would imagine that you will get some advice and feel some pressure to stop purging and abusing your thyroxin but then you know that already...
 

ThatLady

Member
That really is good news, Vivien. I really think you'll find that you'll feel better once you get these subjects out on the table with your therapist. :eek:)
 

Eunoia

Member
The only thing I can really say right now is get help before it is too late. What I mean by that is that you don't want to go down the path where you won't be able to reason rationally anymore and when you still somwehere in the back of your mind know it's not ok but you don't listen to that voice and keep on doing those distructive behaviours and thoughts. I really really hope that you will mention this to your therapist b/c w/ ed's you absolutely need someone's else's opinion and help, b/c they wreck havoc on your mind. Vivien I have tried since yrs to help some people w/ ed's and no matter what anyone tries it's a life long struggle... and it doesn't become the struggle to become thin but it turns into a struggle to have enough energy to get up and get through the day. And you don't want that. people will turn their backs on you b/c they don't understand but your therapist can help you w/ this. I've seen an ed kill someone. And that's the reality. It is no game Vivien. You need to go see someone about this hun!
 
Well, I switched therapists (I decided it wasn't working out with the other one). I managed to tell the new one about most of these food issues. I'm just waiting to see what it'll take for me to stop....I'm going to visit my mother in NY for a few weeks and am kinda worried about how I'm going to deal with things there. She's always shoving food in my face...and will probably do that even more when she sees me at my new weight. But at least I've managed to stop most of the purging on my own - at least for a week.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Vivien said:
I switched therapists (I decided it wasn't working out with the other one). I managed to tell the new one about most of these food issues. I'm just waiting to see what it'll take for me to stop....
Well done, Vivien!

I often say one should be at least as careful in choosing a therapist as you are choosing a spouse. You need to be able to trust him/her or it's not going to help you much. The fact that you took the extra step to tell your new therapist about the eating disorder is excellent!

I'm going to visit my mother in NY for a few weeks and am kinda worried about how I'm going to deal with things there. She's always shoving food in my face...and will probably do that even more when she sees me at my new weight. But at least I've managed to stop most of the purging on my own - at least for a week.
Can you tell her gently but firmly that you are seeing a therapist to deal with the issue and that your therapist says it's not helpful for her to pressure you about food?
 

ThatLady

Member
Yeah, Vivien. It might be a good idea to contact your mother in advance about this issue. Explain that you're seeing a therapist and that it's very important that you not be pressured about food. I know that feeling well, and I know how it can raise the stress level.

I'm sure your mother will want to help, but she can't if she doesn't know what's up. :eek:)
 
I managed to eat pretty normal meals at my mother's, but only when she was around. But I couldn't tell her anything. I don't think she'd believe me anyway. Well, now I'm back and trying to work things out with my new therapist. Thanks for the support, everyone.
 

KiM

Member
it is so hard to open up to people you love. i have that too ... i tell them certain things, but cant open up completely.... i feel ashamed, weak ... i dony know. and i know that whatever i tell my family, they will help me in ANY way, they will always be thre for me and never judge me. but still. its for myself that i cant fully open up. i have tried, but not told them everything..... and yes viv, like you said, when they are around you do it and it all works, but then the minute its back to being you, its back to old habits.... try girl to put that push on yourself to say COME ON. i could do it before, do it NOW. its only gonna make me happier, more full of life etc ...... im 21 and my mum has decided that shes moving back with me to london (my parents live in torino, italy) for 2 months coz when she saw me she was like, ok, its wither that or hospital!! and she diesnt even know the whole story. so i guess that will hep me. i just hope that i can also keep it up when i do go back to being alone ... and i hope that you can too!!! get the will power and do it honey. really. live the only life you have to the full... if im gonna try and do it, so can you!!!
xx
 

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