Appointment finally

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i just had my usual fallow up today and found out as well that i will be finally seeing the social worker tomorrow so well everything is getting placed a bit my dietition wants me to see another dietitian while i am at home now do to my fluctuating weight and my obsessions and i agreed she even offered for me to go back to the programme but i said no i want to give home a chance..i spoke to my psychologist and we deducted who is a way is the voice in my head that makes me act the way i am and like an infant i started to cry .. because she asked me why i feel i need it the voice and i told her that it is what makes me alive and gives me hope and is tru to me the only person or thing that shows me what my self worth really is and for once she seemed to look at me in fear it was quite scarry cause i was really talking as if i had another person in me anyway i was let go and i have a bunch of things instaled for home and to make sure my weight stays okay i hope it helps me out but now i don't know in what .. in healing or in worstening. i even told my psychjologist that getting better was not really in my interests.anymore cause the nutritionist told me that i have to go threw rought spots and that scares me too much. she wants me to stop training i think she is crazy i can't stop it is my life and she sais i need to.... i am afraid ...
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I suspect she was more concerned than scared, Ashley. Good news about the appointments!

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i write to my psychologist on a regular bassis and now my social worker has finally gotten in the picture and is going to try and find me a pscyhologist soon and a nutritionnist as fast as possible i write to my psychologitt and tell her the fact that i am going to be 18 very soon limits her power over my decisions she also spoke to me about the voice itself and who it is in my head and how bad ot is for me and the reasoning behind the person it is and how i feel that it is not just a voice but a friends and the only one i have the only person that is tru to me when she saw me cry she seemed to have realised how scared and confused i really am i told her the other day that it is pointless to help me out because i am already stuck on one plan and that is my limit of power againts it.. the voice that rages in my head is that of an abusor the man i allowed to sexual abuse me for 4 years without saying anything and he has become my safety now cause he seems to be the only one that knows my worth as a person is it normal; to think that ... that i am worth nothing or pain.. i am scared cause i am now falling into anorexia.. and i can'T stop cause part of me feels that he is the only person that cares.. maybe this sounds crazy to many but that is my logic now and i don't know what to do.
your trully
ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Once you see your new psychologist, I would suggest that you talk to her/him about the abuse and this man, Ashley...

 

[Diana]

Yes. There's only so much your psychologist can do for you if you withhold too much information.

 

[Eunoia]

*hugs* Ash. I'm sorry you're going through all of that.... but I am glad that you had your appt. and that it went reasonably well in the sense that things are finally moving along again.... there is hope hun. yes, you will turn 18 but besides from being able to make your own decisions (which btw you can do now too just not certain kinds of decisons), things will be the same right? what I'm trying to say is that if it were as simple as being able to make your own decisons and then being "happy" b/c you can do what you want, then life should be fine right... you should be happy.... things "should" be ok. but do you really think that's realistic? you're hurting, right? by making that decision to stop fighting you're still hurting hun, it won't make it better.... what WILL make it better is working WITH people who are willing and able to help you. those are safe people hun. he's not. you are worth so much more than you can see, and you need to let them help you.... when we get really scared sometimes we find comfort in the "familiar" or the things that aren't safe at all, but it's all we know. that voice inside is a difficult one to fight, but it's a fight well worth it- keep up the good work w/ opening up to your therapist...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks you guys, and girls it is real nice to see that so many people believe in me and that are there for me well at least there to listen or read what i have to say i will be telling my new psychologist in my home town some stuff but i will allow my current psychologist to sendt he infomation to not have to say everything voer again i hope that that person will be able to help and understand me .
yours trully
ashley

 

[Diana]

That's a good idea. It takes some pressure off of you when the psychologist already knows enough about you, and you don't have explain everything again. This way you can take your time and talk about things as you get to know the new doctor. Sounds like you're going in the right direction.

 

[Eunoia]

I totally understand what you mean w/ not wanting to have to re-explain everything over and over, I feel the same way- and I don't think it's "fair" to us anyways, even if it's to inform someone of what's going on- hence why things like allowing your psychologist to send your info to the new one is a great way to get around some of that... hang in there