Are they over-reacting? I don't know...

[why]

I understand that I may have absolutely NO sympathy with some. But the situation is becoming not only intolerable but a little frightening, and deepening my depression.Bear with me, this long

I don't know how to start this. It's been at the top of my "issues" list for a while. A little while ago, I got together with my cousins. They wanted to know what was wrong with me (this is a BIG deal in itself)! I talked about losing my friends, especially my male buddy, who I realize I fell in love with, but felt only platonic towards me. At least I think so. Then I started to talk about my husband. First about his subsequent reaction. At first when he found out that I was "essentially" dating when he was out of town for two years (on and off), there was obviously a lot of yelling, crying and breaking things, understandably. This was in October of 2007. I was to surrender all of my passwords (email accounts, Facebook). Logging in to my accounts was standard. I created new ones to talk to my friends about the situation and also to continue complaining about the problems I was having with him PRIOR to the current situation (non "abusive" issues). He figured out the passwords to these. At first there were many arguments about the "lies" I was telling my friends, to "demonize" him, and "justify" my affair. NO, I needed friends to talk to! About real problems I was having with my marriage! Don't women do that? Share there marriage problems with friends they consider close? He didn't/doesn't see it that way. And because "total transparency" was called for, I had to discuss with him the entire conversation I had with my friends. Did I ever mention my buddy in positive terms? Did I say anything bad about my husband? Etc. If I lied, he knew, because he had already read the email. He started to remotely watch what I Googled. He had to drive me everywhere.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. My buddy ditched me. The "affair" has been over for over a year. I can't talk about my problems with anyone. I tell one person, suddenly, they are an "issue" for him. He says he "can't show his face to anyone" So I try to find someone else to talk to. He finds out and the same thing. I no longer have friends that he doesn't make "comments" about when I mention them. Socializing is nil. He "triggers" if I mention I will be seeing someone who I "demonized him to" I even tried to post on a message board. He made a scene about me posting lies. He said once that anyone now can see him "as a monster" (I don't think he knows about this board). A few months ago, he ended up breaking my laptop. It was an old laptop of my buddy's that he sold me. The screen was useless (It was plugged into my old moniter). My husband had had a trigger and punched the screen a few times, then ripped it off. It freaked me out. It triggered ME (memories of my dad). A couple of days later, the computer was dead. His friend told him that that had nothing to do with his ripping the screen off, So then I was told that. I finally said "I grew up with that type of thing, and you do that one more time and you are out of hear! Took me long enough (he had done this type of thing a few times before - throwing things, wall punching....and that was before we were married) I think he needs anger management. We tried marriage counseling a few times. For him it was about my "affair" for me it was mostly about the marriage (again, NON abusive issues)

The last time we tried counseling, we went to my parish priest. This was because he had lost all faith in therapy as the therapists took my side. Therefore, I must have been lying to then during our private sessions. The priest told my husband to forgive and forget, don't spy, and stop being controlling. This did not sit well. He called Father a very unrepeatable name. That almost did it. Somehow (I really don't know how), he knew that my friend said he was being abusive. Now SHE is an issue. He still insists on driving me, instead of me taking a bus or cab (I don't drive). When I have auditions, he waits for me, if I complain that I feel like a child when he does that, he gets miffed. The last time he "offered" to drive me to the mall, I said I was a grown woman, I could go on my own. He got all hurt and angry and said he was just trying to be nice. After I told my cousins, they said he was abusive, and that I should have him leave. It all makes me very uncomfortable. My husbands behavior "bothers" me to say the least, but...seriously didn't I "ask" for this behavior?:hopeless:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

he had lost all faith in therapy as the therapists took my side

Why - or in what ways - did they take your side? And what do you make of that?

 

[why]

They basically all said the same thing. What the priest said. What I am tempted to think "if they ALL say the same thing......" He NEEDS therapy(for himself) but won't. At one session after I said something that made him very emotional, the therapist handed him a box of tissue, because he was looking around. He said he didn't need tissue, he was looking for something to break.

He has never struck me. When he threw things, it wasn't at me...

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Why. :hug:

I read your post and, it's no wonder that you're triggered, that you're angry. I can't deal with any signs of violence (slamming of cupboards, doors, etc...) and in order to remain at peace, I need a certain modicum of privacy to my life. I'm open with the man that I love, but it doesn't mean that I can't have a little secret garden on the side. Something that's entirely mine - a place for my thoughts about myself or others in my life that I care for.

Is it ok / normal to share with your friends? Absolutely. I'd even go so far to say that it's necessary. Our friends offer us that objective perspective when we can't have one about certain things. My friends know me better than I do at times. And I do rely on them to tell me when I'm over-reacting or under-reacting to certain situations. We all need support systems that reach out beyond our romantic relationships. Every person in our lives offers us something different, something that enables us to have all of our needs met. By cutting out certain people, we're in essence sacrificing having some of our needs being met.

It all makes me very uncomfortable. My husbands behavior "bothers" me to say the least, but...seriously didn't I "ask" for this behavior?

I want to answer this question from my perspective. I've been cheated on by almost every man I've ever allowed into my life. It broke my heart, I broke my trust in them. But, I would never inflict on them the kind of behaviour that your husband is choosing to inflict on you. Make no mistake Why, in my opinion, this is abusive.

Here's what he's entitled to right now - he's entitled to be hurt, to be angry and, to distrust you. If you chose to stay married, both of you, he's even entitled to feel that you're going to have to earn his trust and respect back. But here's how I view it - it means that your book is a little more open: if you say you're going to be somewhere, that's exactly where you're going to be. He can even call you on a cell phone or something and, he'll discover that you're exactly where you said you'd be. If you say that you're going to be home at a certain time, you are. etc...you get the point to all this. Does this entitle him to your computer passwords - NO. I equate that to his eavesdropping on your phone calls when you're talking to a friend. There's no need of that. There are other ways of regaining trust and respect after infidelity without giving up all of your privacy.

I don't necessarily condone infidelity. But, I also know that sometimes we make mistakes in this life. Now, you both have to decide what it is you want - BOTH of you. Do you still want this marriage? Are you still both willing to do the work necessary to get this marriage back? Can you do so showing one another respect and love? He's allowed to be hurt Why. But he can't be abusive in the process. His alternative is to leave because he can't forgive your affair.

I being careful not to tell you what to do in this instance - only because I think that you have to make some decisions that are truly for yourself Why. And this happens to be one of those decisions. You're the only one who knows where you are in all of this, and what you're able or willing to do.

But, I do wonder if, in your circumstance, it wouldn't be worth it to go and see a psychologist yourself. Someone who can help you see this situation from that purely objective perspective?

In the meantime, please don't hesitate to keep talking to us here. :hug::hug:

 

[why]

Thank you.

I want to go back to the psychologist I was seeing a couple of years ago. But my husband DOES NOT like that idea (I was seeing her during the time of my "affair"). Which makes me feel resentful. Yet I am starting feel like I don't care. I HATE confrontation (the reason why I didn't ask for a divorce or at least a seperation years ago). I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I do care for him still. Very much so. I still do love him even, yet sometimes I despise him

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you.

I want to go back to the psychologist I was seeing a couple of years ago. But my husband DOES NOT like that idea (I was seeing her during the time of my "affair"). Which makes me feel resentful. Yet I am starting feel like I don't care. I HATE confrontation (the reason why I didn't ask for a divorce or at least a seperation years ago). I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I do care for him still. Very much so. I still do love him even, yet sometimes I despise him

Yes, I'm not great at confrontations either. But given this really difficult circumstance, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell my husband that I need to go back to that psychologist in order to be able to save the marriage. You can't do this on your own Why - it's too much. And the danger is that if this continues, you risk ending up hating him. Once you're there, there won't be anything left to salvage...Just tell him the truth Why, tell him that you really need that. And that if he can't support you in this, you're not sure you can stay in this marriage...*or whatever it is that you're feeling* - sorry, didn't mean to put words in your mouth here.

 

[why]

you're not sure you can stay in this marriage

Yes, that's exactly it.
Another thing that adds to the depression is that he WILL NOT believe that there is anything legitimate to my grievances. When that sets me waaay down, and he asks what wrong, I simply have to say "nothing, I'm just depressed", otherwise if I tell him why,well the whole "justifying thing" happens, and "cognitive dissonance". THEN I get depressed about going through a divorce, angry at myself for turning him into somone I don't like very much....etc....

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, that's exactly it.
Another thing that adds to the depression is that he WILL NOT believe that there is anything legitimate to my grievances. When that sets me waaay down, and he asks what wrong, I simply have to say "nothing, I'm just depressed", otherwise if I tell him why,well the whole "justifying thing" happens, and "cognitive dissonance". THEN I get depressed about going through a divorce,

He needs to hear that Why. But, I'll be honest, when I read this (and since I don't know your husband AND I'm not in the mental health field) I also know that there are people out there who aren't willing to change. Or, at least who think that they are unable to change until something monumental happens - like separation. He needs to know where your thoughts are at the moment before it's too late to fix any of this.

angry at myself for turning him into somone I don't like very much....etc....

No Why, you didn't turn him into this person. He did it all by himself when he decided that he didn't want to go to counseling and through all of the other behaviours that he's showing you. Yes, you were unfaithful. So now, he needs to be able to hear you so that you both can move forward, past the infidelity. The way he's behaving is, in its effect, forcing each of you to take different paths in this healing process - and you both need to heal together.

For you, in order to heal 'together' with him, it means having a support outside- like that psychologist. And maybe, with time, he'll be willing to come back to therapy too. But until he can get away from his anger, at least at this level, I don't think he'll be able to do this for you both...Just my opinion...

 

[why]

I agree. Truthfully though, I really don't think it can be fixed. His behavior now is only half the problem. And to be honest, it is so unfair for him because alot of the problems cannot be fixed. They are a part of him. They always were. I could deal with/put up with them when mom was still around, but when we were "on our own" I couldn't.
He lived with us for years, so he was close to my mom, she could "handle him", and when he was being a complete jerk, she was able to make him see reason. Most of the time anyway. So essentially, it was a three person relationship, and without the third person there, it "didn't work" for me. Pretty F'd up.

 

[Jazzey]

It sounds to me as though you may have already made up your mind Why.

And no, it's not F'ed up - for whatever reason, your husband could hear your mother, but he isn't hearing you. Sometimes, people can be their own worst enemies...And in this case, it may very well be that there's too much hurt between the two of you to make this marriage work any longer.

So now you have to look at what happens from here, and how do you get the strength and support that you need to do what is best for you, Why? I think seeing that psychologist is still a really good option for you right now. You need that support. Irrespective of whether your husband approves or not. Just be honest about the fact that you're seeing the psychologist.

 

[why]

Thank you :hug::hug:

Now comes the really hard part. My family is dead (apart from my cousins who I'm not super-close with like I used to be...as yet) My one true friend is a mom with three young children, two of which are autistic. I'm going to be sort of on my own through this.:hopeless: THAT scares me. With my other problems with depression, I'm scared I won't be able to handle this and keep my sanity. But I also think staying in the marriage is not good for my sanity, or my husbands.

Then the fact that I have essentially grown up with my husband. I met him when I was seventenn and I will be forty shortly. He has been wonderful so often. A year after we met, I developed severe panic attacks. He would come with me to the emergency room and sit with me, hours, until I got seen. Sometimes this was every weekend, even though the previous week, the doctor's assured me I wasn't having a heart attack, or aneurysym:wacko:. At about the same, my autistic brother hit puberty and began throwing really scary rages.

He would help my mom control him. Any other 20 year-old guy, would have run-off screaming. He was so good with my grandma, my little cousins. He was family. I believe that was part of the point, I mean, his family had problems and it was very stressful for him there. So we had him live with us. One time when I had pelvic surgery I had to sleep on the couch for a bit when I got home (better support). He slept on the floor beside the couch "In case I needed anything". I told him "my bedroom is just on the other side of the wall"! But he said he might not hear me. When my parents died, he was incredible. After my mom died, but my dad was still in the hospital with cancer, he would visit dad for me, while I would take a couple days off here and there to reat. HE went everyday.

All this stuff is whirling around in my head. I'm constantly going back and forth in my head regarding ending things. Besides I would be putting him on welfare. He isn't working right now (I have inheritance from my dad, so that I don't need to work - Thank God). I don't want to do that...

 

[Jazzey]

Take your time Why...It doesn't all have to be decided today. :hug::hug: These things to take time to sort out for ourselves.