ARHGH!! bickering boys!

[momof5]

Ok, now i have done all I can to get these two boys to get along. BUT it seems as though they are totally into getting on each others nerves. (otherwise really good kids honest!)

I have restricted usage of pc and games on here, cartoon network is not allowed on as are some other cartoon channels. We have done the time out in the corner routine. ( 11 and 15 year olds, figure time outs would cure it????)

And the I"m not doing anything is almost as annoying as the bickering.

Any suggestions and ideas would be sooooo appreciated!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ah, tough ages. My two older sons (now 18 and 21) bickered through childhood, barely spoke to one another through most of their teens, and now are finally almost buddies, just in the past year - when I hear then talking to each other down the hall, my automatic reaction is still "get up and stop the fight from escalating" and then I remind myself I don't need to do that any more )

About the only advice I can offer with this one is:

1. try to give them separate "play" areas so they can each do their own thing without coming into direct contact or competition - trying to make them do things together hoping they'll become friends is simply not going to work right now

2. if it is feasible in your family, get a second TV and put it in a different room - if you can do that with computers, even better - basically, what you're aiming at here is to minimize reasons for bickering by reducing the number of situations that can be expected to cause conflict

3. make time to do things with each of them separately - use that time to sympathize with the frustrations each is expressing without taking sides and try to help each see that there is another side without getting into which side is right or wrong - they won't buy it yet but in time they may remember what you say and they will remember that you took time to listen, even if you didn't agree, and that is an important model to give them for conflicts later in their lives

 

[momof5]

Ah, tough ages. My two older sons (now 18 and 21) bickered through childhood, barely spoke to one another through most of their teens, and now are finally almost buddies, just in the past year - when I hear then talking to each other down the hall, my automatic reaction is still "get up and stop the fight from escalating" and then I remind myself I don't need to do that any more )

About the only advice I can offer with this one is:

1. try to give them separate "play" areas so they can each do their own thing without coming into direct contact or competition - trying to make them do things together hoping they'll become friends is simply not going to work right now

2. if it is feasible in your family, get a second TV and put it in a different room - if you can do that with computers, even better - basically, what you're aiming at here is to minimize reasons for bickering by reducing the number of situations that can be expected to cause conflict

3. make time to do things with each of them separately - use that time to sympathize with the frustrations each is expressing without taking sides and try to help each see that there is another side without getting into which side is right or wrong - they won't buy it yet but in time they may remember what you say and they will remember that you took time to listen, even if you didn't agree, and that is an important model to give them for conflicts later in their lives

Hi David, thanks for your reply and sorry so long responding.

They both basically have their own play areas and friends. Adam (15) is into hockey and does some lawn jobs in our area. He hangs out with the boy next store to us. Who physically is Adams age, but mentally younger then Adam, more on Joes level age wise. Tony and joey are like fire and water when they are together. Worse then Adam and he are. I guess maybe its the ages.

One thing though I never agreed with is a second tv. I limit what they watch and how long they can be on this. They also don't have video games. They do go online to play, and they get the same amount of tiem each on the pc. Though Adam does get more time whenJoey isn't around because he now has a paintball forum. So he is busy doing some graphics for the people on his forum etc... Joey only plays games, and I seriously don't belive in sitting at a computer or video game playing for hours.

I do spend a good bit of seperate time with both of them. Adam is turning into a young adult in a way. His conversatiosn with me are totally different then Joey's talk of pokemon, etc...

Not sure what else to do. Some days I have a difficult time with pain levels, so its difficult to handle the outbreaks with them. And I do my best not toloose my patience with them as I dont think that solves anything.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Not sure what else to do. Some days I have a difficult time with pain levels, so its difficult to handle the outbreaks with them. And I do my best not to lose my patience with them as I don't think that solves anything.

That's true but parents are human beings as well as parents - once in a while, I did lose my patience and raise my voice long enough to sy, "that's it! I've had it! I can't take this any more!", which usually did bring them to a halt for a while - then they'd give each other those "what's with dad? has he gone crazy?" looks... ) Of course, if this is a frequent occurrence, it loses its impact...

One thing I'll always remember is a day they were watching something on TV and bickering constantly about who was right and who was wrong about something or other - I said finally, "Can you guys PLEASE stop bickering? It's giving me a headache...", and they both looked at me and said, "We're not bickering... we're just talking"... I realized then that some of the apparent competitiveness and quarreling was for them just conversation.

Still, explaining to them how it stresses you, even if it has minimal effect now, is important in the long run.