Bad Therapy/Therapist: How Do You Know?

[GDPR]

Quite a few years ago there was a court order for family therapy.The judge chose the therapist and I assumed he knew what he was doing.

The therapist was seeing my husband and I together plus separately. She saw my kids at a different time.Plus,my husband attended a men's group and I attended a women's group.

There were so many things that went wrong,and it took awhile for me to realize it was doing more harm than good.I think the final straw for me was during group; the therapist assigned each of us a task.One person was supposed to watch out the window,one was supposed to watch the door...we were supposed to watch for her husband,in case he went there to beat her up.It was a pretty scary experience.There were alot of other things too,like she had been raped before and said that it was because she was sending subliminal messages that she wanted to be raped.

Anyway,my point is,it took awhile to realize it was bad therapy and a bad therapist.I went along with all of it at first,and was really into it,she was the professional,I trusted her.

So now,I am wondering if maybe I am currently receiving bad therapy by a bad therapist.I have a session in a couple of hours and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go.Maybe he is doing more harm than good.Maybe he is making me worse.Maybe I am just trusting he knows what he is doing when in fact he doesn't.Maybe I don't even have PTSD or a dissociative disorder at all.Maybe I don't even need therapy.

How do I know?

 

[MHealthJo]

What has brought this to mind and got you to start doubting your current therapist?

I'm so sorry about the previous experience you had. That is just incredible.

 

[GDPR]

What has brought this to mind and got you to start doubting your current therapist?

I don't know.Just started thinking about the 'bad' experience I had that time and started questioning and wondering about my current t.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps this will help:

How To Find A Good Therapist

How to find the best therapist for you

Psychotherapy: An overview of the types of therapy

Types of Mental Health Professionals

Discredited Psychological Treatments

 

[GDPR]

Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to not go to therapy anymore.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

 

[MHealthJo]

Something in particular got you feeling discouraged, LIT? ... Or just everything seems daunting at the moment?

You've done amazing stuff and have come a long way, and I am constantly impressed by your diligence.

It can be so easy though to feel overwhelmed by the 'bigness' of it all.

It can be really important to remember CBT / ACT skills and viewpoints, I find, so as to think more of the good stuff we have done and feel the value; and combat unrealistic and negative thought patterns that our mind comes up with, about our progress and our journey. Really hard of course though, as we carry on struggling with some very painful symptoms and problems..... even if those are less than what they once were.

Does your mind trap you sometimes in thoughts that it is not/has not been worthwhile or is all too big? Telling you you have not really done much of anything? Kind of saying enough negative things, that living with your brain doing that is enough to sort of 'negate' the positives you have experienced?

 

[GDPR]

Something in particular got you feeling discouraged, LIT?

Yes.The realization that no matter how many years I go to therapy,no matter how well I become,it won't change or help those around me.

There's people that I love that need help so desperately. I can't help them,I can't save them.There's not a thing I can do,and I feel so helpless.

And I'm wondering why I am working so hard to feel better and trying to live a happy life when the people I love are all that really matters.Without them,life isn't worth living.Without them,there is no reason to live.They are my life.And while they are really struggling and suffering,I am focusing on myself.

And I don't know why I am being so self centered.I'm wondering what makes me think I deserve to get better. If I can't help them,if they aren't getting help too,then why am I?

It all seems so hopeless.How can I ,and why would I want to, get better and watch them continue to suffer and struggle?

 

[MHealthJo]

Sounds like the problem you are having is that these people live by the adage, "Misery Loves Company".

Does one more person living in misery help them, or make them truly happy, in any way, shape, or form?

If there are so many of them together in misery, it sounds like plenty of "company" already.

Do they really need one more person to share in the misery they have chosen for themselves? What on earth does that achieve, except perpetuating the misery?

What on earth kind of people would want someone else to be miserable and unhealthy, because that makes them feel a tiny bit better about the negative choices in life that they have chosen for themselves?

Because it helps them tell themselves that this choice they are making is "okay"?

Because it helps them a tiny bit more to not face the truth, not face themselves, not face the past, not face anything?

Helps them stay sick, and feel more 'okay' about it?

What kind of people feel okay about holding another human back from health, happiness, and progress? Or whatever positive thing that another human wants to do?

What kind of people think that it is your job to stay miserable and sick with them? (And behave in quite awful ways to achieve this.)

It's not about what anyone deserves, and they are very sick people if they are looking at it in a way that you think you are 'better' than them or you 'deserve' more things than them.

They ALL deserve to get better, and could do something about it if they chose to.

What an awfully sick family system, to have an idea where "we all need to stay pretty low... if anyone stretches up too far above this baseline family level of misery.... That's not allowed; they need to be cut down."

Please LIT... permission to speak frankly, I guess....

... What kind of a chump would you be if you go along with this?

Please LIT, do some reading about codependency and family illness - and discuss all of this with your therapist - before people take you down and set you back from all your hard, good work. Damn hun, you don't deserve it.

How to Deal With an Extremely Codependent Family: 5 Steps

It is okay to love them and care about them.

It is NOT okay - if you want to make healthy choices that are responsible to yourself, and your wellbeing, and the maximum wellbeing and benefit to your own partner and children and your family legacy - to 'love them and care about them' in the sick, self-hating ways that they think this means (or currently want it to mean).

You are not doing ANYTHING wrong, unloving, selfish, or self-centred in looking after yourself and wanting to be as well and as happy as you can. What an awful, awful situation where people around you want you to think that. You are doing the absolutely best, most loving, most caring thing you could possibly do if you model health and do not model codependency.

You will also attain more recovery from codependency, and the feeling that they are all that matters in life, and that they control your happiness in life, as you keep working.

---------- Post Merged on May 7th, 2013 at 01:31 AM ---------- Previous Post was on May 6th, 2013 at 11:30 PM ----------

Also, I am sorry if my style of speaking about this is a little too frank, or not like, 'polite and distant'. I guess when there is someone I consider a friend, and I see them considering the option of letting themself and their life on this planet be used and abused - for the purpose of a totally imaginary benefit to others - it is hard to stay in a 'polite and distant' sort of mode.

Frankness and expressiveness is a sign of respect, care, and liking here. But I am not sure if it's still something I should modify more sometimes... not sure. But that's what is being expressed here, by that; just making sure that's clear. It is expressing caring about someone who has worked too hard, and done too much great stuff, for me to just watch 'politely and distantly' if they are considering undoing it, I guess.

xx

 

[GDPR]

Just so you know,I appreciate and prefer bluntness.I don't like when people try to sugar coat everything.

I am just in a funk right now and feel very confused about everything.But it's my own thoughts and feelings that have caused it.

 

[MHealthJo]

No problem.......

So sorry it is so hard sometimes to keep clarity with it all... Hope that it returns a bit for you soon.

There is a book referenced in the web page I posted, which at some stage might be very helpful for you if these kinds of thoughts and feelings threaten to derail you.

The good work is challenging enough really, without also the weight of nagging feelings that it's somehow wrong or self-centred to be doing it.

At the same time, really it is just one of the big fundamental issues to work through anyway. You would be surprised how much anxiety, worry, fear, depression, confusion, or many many other difficulties can turn out to be strongly related to those concerns.

As you find yourself more 'done' with those concerns over time, you will actually find the benefits, payoffs, the worthwhile feelings, of all the other work you have done and are doing, to greatly increase as well. The payoffs will seem like much more of a 'match' with the hard work you've been doing; rather than... well... a real feeling like "it's a treadmill, and it's set on too fast, and I'm also carrying a big set of weights"!

Thinking of you.

xx

 

[Darkside]

It's hard to be a wise consumer when you are hurting. I like my current therapist but I have changed therapists before. In one case I gave it several months and another time I changed after two sessions when he had me start role playing (empty chair) in the first session.

I also went to a marriage therapist who was clearly biased. She spent 15 minutes in one session telling me I wasn't working hard enough - right in front of my ex-wife. I also got stuck paying every single bill for every session and when I raised the question about splitting the cost both the therapist and my ex-wife acted like I had committed a great sin.

But I think you are right. You have to be certain you are not leaving because the work is getting hard.

 

[GDPR]

Right now I am seriously thinking about quitting therapy.It's too hard.I don't think I have what it takes to get through it.

---------- Post Merged at 09:22 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:20 PM ----------

...and I AM looking for excuses to quit,I admit it.

It's just too hard and I am tired of going.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It is hard, but I think to heal and get better you need to keep going.

 

[Darkside]

Right now I am seriously thinking about quitting therapy.It's too hard.I don't think I have what it takes to get through it.

---------- Post Merged at 09:22 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:20 PM ----------

...and I AM looking for excuses to quit,I admit it.

It's just too hard and I am tired of going.

How long have you been with this therapist?

 

[MHealthJo]

What would you say is the hardest thing about going?

 

[Budoaiki]

That's the thing about therapy it's about dealing with hard things. That's also why it is so important and if anything in life is worth that kind of effort it's your well being.
By all means tell your therapist if the pace is too fast or the methods too hard and I'm reasonably certain he or she would address your concerns so you can continue on the path to healing.

 

[GDPR]

How long have you been with this therapist?

I have been with him for over 3 years.

What would you say is the hardest thing about going?

To be completely honest,I actually like him,I actually trust him,and I feel attached to him now.He's passed every test I have thrown his way.

I don't know what that means and I don't know how to deal with it. I would like someone like that in my life from now on, and it feels like a waste of time because once therapy is over with,that's it,the one person I completely trust will be gone.So what's the point in continuing?

And the things I have been telling him,I feel like I should stop telling him,they're pretty horrible things,I worry that one day I will go in and he will look at me and say "get out of here,you disgust me".

 

[MHealthJo]

Discuss all of this with him, LIT.

Also, always remember that a therapy relationship can be continued as long as you want it to.

There are literally millions of people who make the valid choice to keep therapy indefinitely, because it is a positive and grounding thing in their lives. So why not?

And try to realise that part of what he is doing is helping you learn the skills so that, in the end, you will be able to have other similar trustworthy, good relationships in your life.

See if you can think: "How will I remember what I need to remember, and learn what I need to learn, to reach good goals - if I quit therapy before it is time to do so? And how will I gain the meaning and satisfaction that comes with taking little actions that are in accordance with what I value? (Even if I'm not necessarily successful in each action, or goals have not yet been reached - the VALUES are still there.)"

Try to remember the great tool of thinking in a values-based way - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy style. (Online there are lots of ACT resources and readings you can get for free; I do like the Russ Harris books though for helping you figure out what you value. ) It can really help us remember the right way to go and keep us on course. (Or to get back on course once we get off-course, which is bound to happen MANY times!)

xx

 

[GDPR]

what he is doing is helping you learn the skills so that, in the end, you will be able to have other similar trustworthy, good relationships in your life.

I don't think there can be similar relationships. Nobody else is going to focus completely on me,listen to everything I say and always be on my side. I just feel like all it is helping me learn is that I am right,that anything good doesn't last.

It's not even a 'real' relationship anyway.It's just one-sided. I pay him to listen to me and talk to me.He's just doing his job.

 

[GDPR]

How does a one sided relationship help anyway?