Bad Therapy/Therapist: How Do You Know?

[MHealthJo]

I don't think there can be similar relationships. Nobody else is going to focus completely on me,listen to everything I say and always be on my sid

e.

You are, in a sense, correct in that no non-therapeutic relationship will be exactly like that.

Healthy friendships out in the world involve giving as well as taking; respecting a person's confort level in terms of how much it is okay to talk about our own feelings and problems.... various things like that.

And they involve rubbing up against different opinions, personalities and viewpoints. The give and take of listening to others and them sharing their life too, rather than just one-way.

So you are right. There are differences.

However, your therapist IS demonstrating certain things that you are to learn to expect from healthy friendships, that you WILL learn to cultivate.

Things like:

-Not belittling you or your feelings (even when they are different or difficult to understand).

- Being respectful towards you and difficulties you have and bad stuff you have been through.

- Wanting good things for you.

These things should be non-negotiable, even with the consideration of different backgrounds and personalities and viewpoints etc. (Although on occasion people show a lack of 100% perfection in how well they do these things, if they are under high stress or going through something difficult perhaps - communication ability, focus, etc can be a bit off. And at any time, things like communication issues, sensitivities, misunderstandings, triggers, projection, etc can sometimes come into play on the part of either person.)

But these things above should be the norm, should be highly valued by the person, and should be striven for. When they fail a bit, they should dislike having hurt you and feel sorry for that, after you respectfully tell them they have hurt you in one of these ways.

In these areas, your T is showing you what is healthy, and helping you become more accustomed to that, instead of abuse.

If you have not yet got friendships or relationships that offer the above, it is imperative that you pay for this one, so that you can keep learning and healing.

Even once you do have other ones, having this one to rely on as well can still be excellent and very important. It can enhance the other ones and help you succeed in them.

I just feel like all it is helping me learn is that I am right,that anything good doesn't last.

Then you are not finished learning.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Lost In Thought,

It's actually heartening to hear you have this relationship with your therapist. If this is your first healthy relationship, and you aren't used to it, I recommend you stick to it as long as you can!

After you become more comfortable with a good/healthy relationship and come to know the difference between this relationship and previous unhealthy ones, then you will be more aware of what to look for once you are comfy enough to venture outside of the therapist/patient relationship.

It might feel alien that you are doing good things for yourself: a) having a healthy relationship with someone/therapist, and b) being good to yourself (by allowing yourself to go through this difficult time, putting your trust into someone who hopefully will eventually show you/give you tools to help yourself) and c) be more comfortable and at peace with the thought, that although there is some tough stuff to wade through, you ARE worth it. You may not feel comfortable with these things right now because this is an introduction to your "new" normal. I think I remember you saying what your "old" normal was and it sounds like it was completely the opposite of what your therapist has to offer.

Like the other folks say, you can say these things to your therapist. And also consider that because it's your new normal, you might be uncomfortable enough to try to stop this, because you feel more comfortable when you aren't thinking of yourself and your healing. And if you stop therapy now you might think that it's more comfortable at the moment... But you may then go back to unhealthy relationships/avoid relationships (not necessarily on purpose but possibly subconsciously) because that is what you are used to, and you don't believe you are worth the trouble of healing, and you don't deserve a healthy relationship, etc... You may have heard of self-sabotage? Only reason I might see this in others is because I'm well-versed in it.

My personal hope is that you do stick with it! ♥

 

[GDPR]

After you become more comfortable with a good/healthy relationship and come to know the difference between this relationship and previous unhealthy ones, then you will be more aware of what to look for once you are comfy enough to venture outside of the therapist/patient relationship.

That actually makes sense.Thanks.

Sometimes it's easy to forget the reasons I started therapy in the first place.And it's easy to forget just how far I have come in the past 3 years.Thanks for the reminder.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Glad I could help a little, LIT!

 

[GDPR]

I went to therapy today.

He really is ​a good therapist. I don't know why I always doubt him,I don't know why I always over-think everything.I don't know why I am so afraid of this relationship.

 

[MHealthJo]

Glad you went!

I guess the subconscious reasons to worry and doubt people would be many when maybe we feel like we have hardly ever been around trustworthy, good people.

Guess in some families there can also be the ingrained concept of 'insiders' and 'outsiders'. Only the 'insiders' know certain things, and they aren't supposed to (or are afraid to) talk about it or seek help from 'outsiders'. It's made out to be wrong. That protects the status quo.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I agree with MHealthJo.... It isn't too surprising, if you think about it. It's possible that if a person is in a lot of unhealthy relationships, or has never had healthy relationships with people, then they might be somewhat antsy about keeping good company. There's always that "doubt" element. When you've had a lot of bad experiences with people, and then something good comes along, this would be unfamiliar terrain to you.

Some people like to say goodbye just in case someone is going to say goodbye to them, even though that might not even happen. They may worry that the risk isn't worth it and hit the eject button early. But you are worth the risk, LIT.

So pretend to put on your Space Suit, strap in, and just explore what's Out There for a while. You can always view things from a distance before you decide to land...

 

[GDPR]

I think I may have feelings for my therapist. Not in a sexual or romantic way though. It's more of a "I really like this person, I'm glad I know him,and I'm glad he's my therapist" way. I like talking to him, I like being around him. I like that I can just be who I am around him and he makes me feel like it's ok. I like that no matter how anxious I am when I go in,even when I am having a panic attack,or shaking,just being around him helps calm me down. I like that it feels safe in there.That he feels safe.

I think about him alot too.If I am feeling really down or upset,it makes me feel better just knowing I will get to see him and talk to him. I even have imaginary conversations with him in my head,like I imagine what he would say to me if I told him what I am feeling down about or what I am upset over.

I don't feel leery of him or intimidated by him anymore. I don't stress over seeing or talking to him anymore,I just stress over the things I will be talking about.

I'm not exactly sure when or how this happened. I was just thinking a little bit ago "I have therapy tomorrow",and it made me happy.

I have been in therapy many times in my life,but I have never stuck with it longer than a few sessions,so I don't know if this is how I am supposed to feel or not. Maybe it's wrong,I don't know. It kind of feels wrong.No,it doesn't feel wrong,it actually feels kind of good.But I am thinking maybe it should feel wrong.And I don't want to let myself feel like I need him or anything. I would never want to think or feel like I can't manage on my own,without him,because I could if I had to.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No it shouldn't feel wrong. All of that sounds pretty much normal to me.

 

[MHealthJo]

Yup... it's healthy to enjoy and feel really good about seeing somebody who listens to us and treats us well, who is a good person, and to feel really glad that they are there.

It's actually really good, too, that you are able to use his 'voice' to tell yourself things when you're not there. That's a good tool and it's one you can keep forever, no matter what happens. It also means you have learned good stuff and benefited from the time and effort you have invested.

 

[Daffodil]

Openly discuss how you feel about therapy regarding your previous therapist and see what she says, then make a decision from there.

I think that your previous experience may colour your current experience, but do not be quick to write off the help you are getting now.
It takes time for therapy to work, so don't feel like you are not getting the help you need right away. Some therapists are really great, they can help you move your life forward.

 

[Banned]

I feel the same as you, LIT. I love going to therapy, and talking to my therapist. He's my go-to person for everything, good or bad. If I had a good day, he's the first person to hear about it. If I had a bad day, same thing. I know for me, it's just nice having one reliable relationship in my life. I wonder if its the same for you?

Im glad Dr. B said what we're feeling is normal, cause there's enough already about me that isn't haha. Ok just kidding. But these are important relationships to us and of course we're going to develop strong feelings for them. In the past we've been hurt and are vulnerable and scared at times so having someone who is there for us the way our therapists are is pretty amazing.

im glad you found yours. It's an important relationship.

 

[GDPR]

I know for me, it's just nice having one reliable relationship in my life. I wonder if its the same for you?

Yes,it's the same for me.

It has taken over 3 years to feel the way I do about him though. I think I was purposely trying to not like him all this time. Or maybe I was afraid to. The trust thing was hard too,I don't usually trust anybody at all,so this is all new to me.

 

[Banned]

Trust is hard. We always wonder when it will backfire. It's hard to believe that this relationship is safe. But it is. Good for you for sticking it out and not giving up.

 

[GDPR]

Today I was upset when he said our time was up.I really didn't want to leave.I wish sessions lasted all day,that would be nice.

 

[Banned]

The company would be nice, but the work would be exhausting for both. I hate when times up, too. I spend most of my hour dreading the fact that the hour will end. Occasionally we go over and I feel like I won the lottery when we do. My perfect session would be 90 minutes. I think anything longer would be too long but 60 just never feels long enough.

 

[GDPR]

Yes,I guess the work would be exhausting for both if sessions lasted all day.

90 minutes would be ideal,then I wouldn't feel like I have to rush when I'm talking in order to get everything said that I want to say.

Sometimes he offers to go over on time,but I always say no because I know someone else is probably out in the waiting room waiting for their turn. I don't want to be a therapist hog.

 

[positivethoughts]

My therapist and I schedule my session for 90 mins.

Have you asked your therapist if you could schedule the sessions for 90 mins? You could explain how you feel and your reasons for wanting a longer session.

 

[Darkside]

You may find that you get mad at him later if you stick with it, but I think it helps if you like your therapist. A psychiatrist told me a few years ago that it was important to stay in therapy long enough to go through the transference and counter-transference. Only after you work through all of that will you make real progress.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My therapist and I schedule my session for 90 mins.

Have you asked your therapist if you could schedule the sessions for 90 mins? You could explain how you feel and your reasons for wanting a longer session.

As a therapist, personally I would find that difficult. First, perhaps because I see a lot of clients with anxiety issues, I think sometimes even 60 minutes stretches them. Second, although I have done some 90 minute sessions in the past, I find that it tires me too. And third, I schedule clients on the hour which makes it easier for both them and me to remember when we are supposed to start and end.

(That doesn't mean I don't run over sometimes but I just don't usually do it purposely.)