[Trigger] Been good for a while; I faltered

[NicNak]

I just cut. First time in over a year. I need to see my doctor this week to talk about the insurance stuff and stupid me, SI's just now and she will see it and I did not do it to seek pitty.

I feel so stupid for doing this.

I have never SI'd like this before at home before. I am afraid my mom will see. It is not bad enough to require stiches.

The past month has been rough. My cousin passed away three weeks ago. Then I see the quack insurance doctor that same week on the Thursday for a mind game. Then I have my cousins funeral that Saturday.

The insurance company took the quack's recomendations and not talk to my doctors about it.

With my cousins passing, it hurt a lot. It is a double in many ways for me, cause my cousin was fighting cancer and wanted to live so bad. I am the opposite. I fight death to live.

I just needed someone who understands to talk to right now. I really feel like you folks and my doctors are the only ones who get it.

Again I have this pressure from the insurance company and the idea this doctor didn't believe my pain to be real, it really hurts.

Everything is hurting so bad right now.

I am sorry to write this. And sorry if I bother anyone, I just hurt now.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Old coping strategies do tend to resurface at times of extraordinary stress, NicNak, and I'd say the last little while for you qualifies as extraordinary stress.

I think you need to get back into therapy now, though. If memory serves, your therapist is in vacation. When will you be able to see him again?

 

[NicNak]

My Psychiatrist is not back until September. I am going to see my Family Doctor next week. She is very helpful to me too. He is away from August. I left a message so with any hope he will be in the office this week.

I just feel stupid cause I SI'd and I do not keep things from them and I do not want her to think (although in my logic mind I know she won't) that I did this just to make her feel more bad for me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Who? Your mom? or the doctor?

 

[NicNak]

Oh, sorry. My Psychiatrist is away all of August. I phoned and leave a message so I hope he is there this week to call back.

I am going to see my Family doctor this week and she is very helpful. So I see her often inbetween my appointments.

I just feel stupid cause I SI'd and I do not keep things from them and I do not want her to think (although in my logic mind I know she won't) that I did this just to make her feel more bad for me.

With this I mean my Family doctor, cause I will see her next week.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Your doctor knows you, knows your history, and knows about the recent stressors. If s/he knows anything at all about SI, she will know full well where that came from and why it resurfaced now. I highly doubt that she's going to judge you.

 

[NicNak]

THanks Dr Baxter.

I always think of myself as having an "anxious mind" and a "logical mind" When I am anxious I think everyone will judge me. Logically I know it isn't everyone.

My Family Doctor, although she is a GP, has been a beacon in wild waves for me. I have to always remember that. Same with my Psychiatrist, he always believes me too.

Thanks again Dr Baxter. I really appreciate this.

 

[ladylore]

As in any recovery - you had a slip. Sometimes they happen. As David has said, you are under alot of stress. Is there anyone taking on your therapist's caseload or a contact in case of emergency?

If there is a receptionist at your therapist's office, you may want to call and get an appointment with someone else in the office. If not - does your psychiatrist do therapy? If not, your psychiatrist or doctor probably need to recommend someone ASAP. Your important and you need support right now.

 

[Banned]

I agree with the others, NN. People do relapse, and that's forgivable. What you need to make sure of now, as David and LL have already said, is that you have some support and follow-up in place.

I like LL's suggestion of calling the receptionist and trying to get an app't with someone else.

We know we are in bad shape when we relapse, but then we tend to make it worse by beating ourselves up after about it. Hence the need to get some supports in place to keep us moving forward.

Do take care of yourself. You're under alot of stress and it's understandable that you'd have a setback. You can only carry so many bricks, before you collapse under the weight.

 

[NicNak]

Thank you Ladylore :friends: and Turtle :friends:

My Psychiatrist does my therapy. He is in a private practice and funny thing is, he does not have a receptionist. If we have a crissis and we need him, we phone and he answers. It is a not often it happens during appointments, but he will give phone advice and assure me and then I know what to do.

He will return my call this week if he is in his office. But I am not sure cause his vacation starts soon.

I am going to phone my Family Doctor tomorrow. She will help with the insurance issues and can assist to stabalize me until I can see my Psychiatrist. My Family Doctor and Psychiatrist work together and she has a "but what if" reference she can refer to if she is unsure how to help me.

She is very good too. My goodness, I often wonder how things would be without them. They truly are the only ones in person who understand. I hold my own pretty good, especially with your help on Psychlinks.

I just never thought I would SI like this at home. It was always at work. The past few days I was having almost fantacy dreams of my SI "tool" and almost baught one today. I was at the store where they sell them and I resisted.

I was proud for doing that, but then tonight I saw something simular and didn't think it would work really, but it did. Then when I realized it did work, I got that messed up joy and dissapointed feeling all at once, but couldnt stop.....

This all sounds so crazy.

 

[Banned]

It doesn't sound crazy at all, NN.

I bought a new "tool" a few weeks ago, "just in case", during a weak moment. Thankfully I haven't used it. I say I will never cut again, but really, "never" is a lofty goal. So I say "today I will not cut".

So focus on today. Make sure you're looking after the wound and helping it to heal properly, and then follow up with your doctor.

 

[ladylore]

Can you get rid of the instrument that you used today? If it isn't there then you can't be tempted again - at least, not so easily.

You may want to make a list of all the other wonderful coping skills you have learned and go through them one by one if the urge to SI strikes again. For two reasons; the first being, you are taking care of yourself by going through the list. The second reason; distraction. Your putting all your focus into something that is healthier.

Sometimes we need those reminders of how to take care of ourselves in times of stress. Once those things are remembered they can be incorporated into a routine again.

Hope this helps a bit.:friends::hug:

 

[NicNak]

Thanks Turtle

I had my tetnis shot when I was SI'ing last time, so that part is good. When I see my GP this week, she will look at it to see if maybe I need another one, which I doubt. I rinsed it out good and out polysporin on it. So it is ok.

Weird thing is, at the time it does not hurt. It hurts now though, but it is not major pain.

 

[Banned]

Your body's natural defense mechanisms (adrenaline and endorphins) stave off alot of the pain while it is occuring. That's one of the reasons why SI is so dangerous - we can do alot more damage than we realize, because we aren't feeling the true pain until afterwards.

 

[Fiver]

This all sounds so crazy.

Yeah, not so much at all. It sounds like you're in pain and turmoil and feeling a tad lost. Not crazy.

I'm going to echo the others about relapse; it happens, and we learn more about ourselves from it. It might take a while to figure out what you learned, but it's there. It took guts to post tonight, Nic. I'm glad you reached out, and I'm glad there have been good peeps here to take your hand.

Don't stop doing it.

 

[NicNak]

Thanks Ladylore

Yes, I threw the "tool" in the dirtiest trash area I could find in the garbage :blush:

I often get SI urges, but often I get almost outside myself, like I am in auto pilot or something and those times are when I actually SI. My Psychiatrist calls them "episodes" but not really sure what that really means in medical terms.

 

[Banned]

Don't stop doing it.

I'm pretty sure Fiver means posting and reaching out.

 

[NicNak]

THanks Fiver. I often keep a lot inside, which isn't good :blush: other times I just cannot put words to the sensations and pains I am feeling.

I appreciate your support Fiver. I am glad I reached out too. I am feeling a lot better now.

 

[NicNak]

Your body's natural defense mechanisms (adrenaline and endorphins) stave off alot of the pain while it is occuring. That's one of the reasons why SI is so dangerous - we can do alot more damage than we realize, because we aren't feeling the true pain until afterwards.

My Family Doctor always reminds me of this too, cause she has done procedures on me where she says most people would be screaming their heads off and I hardly feel it.

She says to be extra careful with SI cause as much as I do not feel the SI, I also have a high pain threshold she says.

 

[Fiver]

I'm pretty sure Fiver means posting and reaching out.

How embarrassing! That is absolutely what I meant (it just wouldn't be a typical posting night for me on this board if I didn't stick my foot in my mouth at some point.)