Big mistake

[kelsischanging]

ok so after having over 7 months clean I blew it...friday night although on this very website I said that I was going to avoid a party because I knew I wasn't strong enough not to drink I got caught up in what my friends were doing and went to a party...ok so that would have been ok except I forgot one thing at home...my self control....I got there and within seconds of stepping in the door there was a drink in my hand, and every time I would give them an empty one to throw away a new drink was given to me...I basically got wasted out of my mind...I'm such a failure...I just wanted the obsessive thoughts of self injury to go away and I wanted to fit in...now all seven months are gone and I'm back to day 2...I haven't told my sponsor and I don't even want to think about that situation...I am so ashamed of what I did that I don't want to tell anyone (although I did tell my therapist this morning)...I feel lost right now and scared...no more parties for me...I went I tried I failed...I have let so many people down and I can't take that feeling...this only makes me want to self injure more...there's just so much going on inside of me that I have a constant huge knot in my stomach...ok well thanks for listening...you guys are the best...

 

[ThatLady]

Re: big mistake

You haven't failed, kelseym. The word failure has such a permanent ring to it, and this was a temporary set-back. You slipped up. You made a mistake. You're human, like the rest of us. A mistake is nothing to beat yourself up over. It's just a lesson to be learned, and new resolve to be gained. :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

Re: big mistake

kelsey it's really really tough dealing with our feelings when they get so overwhelming. but, you can pick up and start over. yes you slipped up on friday but today is a new day. you were able to stay sober for 7 months and you had ways of coping so you know you can do it again. you know what helped you before so you at least have that experience to help you start over.

you're not a failure, you're just someone who is struggling terribly. i am glad you were able to tell your therapist so at least it's out in the open there. you won't have it weighing down on you completely.

it's hard being in college and wanting to fit in, because parties is what it all seems to be about with 90% of the students. it annoyed the heck out of me when i was a student, all the drinking and wild partying, yet i went anyway because there didn't seem to be any other way of socializing. i totally understand it was hard for you to stay away, especially with you wanting to get rid of your feelings.

it's ok, you can start over and try again. you can always try again, one day at a time.

 

[Halo]

Kels,

First of all I do think that I have a lot of experience to post on this topic because many months ago I was in your position were I was getting really upset with myself for escaping all the time. Now escaping for me is taking pills, drinking, cutting, purging etc. These are things that I do to take the pain and obssessive thoughts that run through my head away. I use to get really upset with myself whenever I did these night after night and thought that I was a failure and a nothing. It wasn't until I found this forum and the people on here that I began to realize that I am not perfect and neither are you. Everyone has slips and that is just what they are....slips. They are nothing but a bump in the road. Bumps in the road are okay and it is like a road map that they tell a tale of where we have been and where we need to go. I do think that you should be honest with you sponsor and if she is a good sponsor there will be no judgment just supportive, caring and concern and encouragement to move forward again from today. That is all we really have is today. You can't look back you can't look forward you just have today.

I can appreciate the times when I tried to stop drinking and still go to the parties thinking that I was strong enough to say no and well I finally realized that I was not. It wasn't that I didn't have the will power it was that I didn't have a big enough support system yet in place to help me feel confident enough.

Please, please do not beat yourself up over this....do not look at it as a failure or mistake, it is a learning curve that happens in life and if you never make mistakes in life than you will never learn.

I don't know if this makes any sense but I do have a lot of experience (personally) in this area so if you want to pm me I would love to share it with you.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I haven't told my sponsor and I don't even want to think about that situation...I am so ashamed of what I did that I don't want to tell anyone (although I did tell my therapist this morning)

Kels, do tell your sponsor. They know that these slips happen in alot of cases, and they also know the fear and feeling of shame when having to bring it up. You will likely feel an amount of undue guilt if you do not tell your sponser, particularly when they come to congradulate you on days like your 'year' aniversary for not drinking, etc. It is a scary thing, but the sponser is not their to judge you - and can then start to encourage you based on the knowledge of your slip and how it may be making you feel.

 

[kelsischanging]

ok so I still haven't been able to tell my sponsor and the more I think about it the more upset I get...I just keep thinking of how many people I have let down...I mean I had 7 months, and now I have 5 days...I just am so ashamed...it's on my mind all the time and I have a giant knot in my stomach...anyway I just need to get this out there...thanks for listening...
kelseym

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Try to think of it this way, Kelsey: You had 7 months and 5 days with only one slip. I know that AA tends to be pretty black-and-white about these things but you don't need to be. I would say that 7 months and 5 days with only a single slip is excellent.

 

[ThatLady]

I'd say the same thing, David. 7 months and 5 days with only 1 slip is something to be proud of, not something to be ashamed of!

 

[kelsischanging]

thank-you both for helping me look at this situation in a different way...yeah AA and NA can be kinda black and white, but I know i still need to tell my sponsor...now I just need to get through this weekend

 

[Halo]

I know how black and white that AA can be and it is hard but I do suggest that you tell your sponsor. I know that you will in time when you are ready and I truly hope that you have the strength to get through this weekend. My thoughts will be with you.

Take care
:hug:

 

[kelsischanging]

Hi so now I have a whooping 6 days clean, but I am trying to think of it as 7 months and 6 days with one slip...oh yeah I left a message with my sponsor telling her to call me and that I relapsed so hopefully she calls...tonight (friday) I am just going to try and stay in and relax...do some work, and work out...so a boring night in...I feel so lame but I think this is what I need to do...ok well back to chemistry...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Attagirl, Kels! And all that studying will pay off by the end of the year too, while your partying classmates will gop home never to return.

 

[Into The Light]

kelsey i am glad to hear you called your sponsor, it must have been tough but you've taken a difficult step which will help you in the end.
:goodjob:

good luck with chemistry tonight, i always sucked at it, i hope you're better at it than me

 

[Halo]

Kels I hope that you and chemistry got well aquainted last night and that your sponsor called you back. Like David said, your grades will definitely be an indication of all the studying you will do this year and not all the partying your classmates will be doing. That is definitely something that they will be jealous of you for.

Let us know how the call turned out, if she did in fact call. Look forward to hearing from you.

Take care
:hug:

 

[kelsischanging]

Just wanted to let everyone know I made it through the weekend and I told my sponsor about my slip up...thanks for all the support...I now know I am going to get through this.

 

[Halo]

Kels,

I guess that you get 2 Kuddos for first making it through the weekend and second for telling your sponsor. I know that neither of them must have been easy but you did a good thing with both.

I am proud of you....keep it up.
:goodjob:
take care
:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

hi kelsey you've had a hard time but you did well this weekend. well done you'll get there in time, just keep trying as you have been and don't give up. :hug:

 

[ThatLady]

You should be very proud, kels. You're doing some great work!