More threads by kel


Hey, I am 22 years old and just got out of a 2 and half year relationship with a 26 year old guy. Although I broke up with him I fealt like I was driven to it. He began to just not value the relationship and just didn't really seem to care about my time and almost like he didn't respect me. He has been really stressed lately because of graduating university and also because his mom is very sick with brain cancer and I want to be there with him. We talked about marriage and the future, and I honestly thought he was the one. I am really having trouble letting go. We broke up before for 4 months and realized how much we should be together and got back together, and that was over a year ago. I don't know if this breakup is for good or not. I feel like I should try to move on, but there is something in me that won't let go. I don't know what to do. I am going to go start to see a councellor about it. I just really love him and am finding myself constintely thinking about him, and then I just tell my self he is not good for me, but I really just don't know what to do. I really need some help......Thanks


First, you can't expect yourself to just "get over it" so quickly and "move on". You were in a committed, long-term relationship and the feelings aren't going to just up and disappear.

This might sound really corny but what's helped me in the past is to make a list. I would write down Pros and Cons. I would take an open, unbiased look at the relationship. What am I getting out of it? Am I getting as much as I put in? Am I being treated with respect and in the manner that I feel I should be treated? What makes me happy? What upsets me?

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I use an exercise similar to what Ash is describing in my work with couples, only before I ask the client(s) to do that part I ask them to think about what it would be like if they had the relationship they really wanted to have... make a list of phrases that would describe the characteristics of that "ideal" relationship. Then go down the list and ask yourself which if those characteristics do you have in your current relationship or did you have in your last relationship.

Follow that up with what Ash suggested: What do you see as the pros and cons of your partner in the relationship or of how you feel in the relationship...


You're not alone

Hi Kel: Im new here but can totally relate to your posting. I'm feeling kinda the same as you. Been married for 13 years and have 3 daughers, 18 months ago my husband said he no longer is in love with me, loves me but not "in love". I've had a hard time accepting this and didnt at first (which explains why I'm still at this point 18 months later)...We tried counseling but it didnt help so I've realized that there is no reconsiling. He's still living at home and my kids are still unaware and it's very hard to see him because I still love him and wish for things to be like they were once - alas my brain and my emotions are at odds, just like you. I know I cannot change another person's feelings and what's the point if he no longer is in love with me? So now 18 months later and with a New Year and all, I am forcing myself to move forward -- there is no other way or option, I mean it's not like a have much of a choice. So although I'm still struggling with my emotions I have forced my hand to move forward beginning with telling my husband that our living conditions need to change, then I've made reservations to go to Amsterdam with friends too - It's not much but for me I guess its a start in the right direction and we all have to start somewhere. Maybe you shud pick up an interest and just dive into it, maybe it will open other doors you need to explore. Hang in there, you're not alone, feel free to vent, relate, or whatever. CD


Hi all...
my daughter is going through the same thing...separation and probably a divorce. It IS hard to go through. It is like a "death" - death of the relationship. I have learned so much from you, David and this special place. I will pass on the exercise you mentioned about what the "ideal" relationship would be. Thank you for sharing this!
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